Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler vs. Muhamman Hassan
PK: If there is one thing Lawler is good at, it’s putting some new kid over.
Winner — Hassan
Eric Szulczewski: In order to build up Hassan’s repulsive heel credentials, there’s no way in hell Lawler’s going to win this one. After all, it’s not in Memphis. Let’s hope Hassan beats the piss out of him.
Winner – Mohammed Hassan
Joshua Grutman: The King is going to avenge Hassan’s hate filled ways and prove that America truly is the home of the brave, land of the free, and place where other stuff happens! But he’ll lose when the Kat makes a run in and Jerry starts weeping uncontrollably. Homo.
Winner – Hassan
Kurtis Osterlund: NEXT!
Winner – Muhammad Hassan
Jed Shaffer: Getting into a war with an announcer is crimson death. See Tazz and Raven. Not to mention Hassan’s heat is centered around timing and ethnicity, and that did SO well for La Rez. And since Vince is gonna play to the morons on this one…
Winner – The old, lecherous f*ck
Raven West: This makes perfect sense in Puerto Rico. Anybody who has their 1st feud with an announcer is doomed from the start.
Winner — Hassan
Blatt: Woo hoo! My first roundtable! Hassan simply can’t lose this match. If he did, we’d be looking at a disaster of Mordechai proportions here. Hassan’s on his way to being the top heel in the company and not wrestling one match yet. This has to be handled carefully or else this whole thing will blow up. I just hope that he can back up his heat with a great ring performance.
Winner — Hassan and freedom for Arab Americans to be who they want to be
Gordi: It’s pretty unlikely that this match will be any good, but the crowd heat should cover for that fairly well. I am curious to see if JR will mispronounce Muhammad’s name again. I’d guess that Hassan will win with help from his manger.
Winner — Hassan
Iain Burnside: The result is a foregone conclusion. Really, there’s no chance in hell of them jobbing Hassan out in his first-ever match – emphatically so when his opponent is an out-of-shape commentator who has wrestled maybe two matches in the past year. No, Hassan’s got big things ahead of him this year. The only thing that could possibly limit the potential of his push is if he can’t back it up in the ring, something that I am eager to find out. He’s got the look, he’s certainly got the personality, and he’s got a gimmick straight outta Cheap Heat 101 that has proven to give us the hottest segments of Raw as of late, he’s got an interesting corner-man in Davari… Really, unless this match bottoms out to the level of Kronik vs. Undertaker & Kane at Unforgiven 2001, or Triple H vs. Scott Steiner at Royal Rumble 2003, he’s got an interesting future ahead of him. With DAVE now firmly set for grander things than the Intercontinental Title, I certainly wouldn’t mind Hassan being the one to end Benjamin’s reign come WrestleMania. It should also be interesting to see what the Puerto Ricans make of Hassan. Unfortunately, they’ll probably have him rip them to shreds in a pre-match promo and further neuter his “justified rage” angle.
Winner – Muhammad Hassan
Mike Lawrence: I can’t see Hassan losing this match, although what happened on Monday with him destroying Lawler would say otherwise. The only way this should end is with Hassan beating Lawler clean. Any type of interference or cheating cheapens a guy who should by all accounts and purposes have a healthy career as a midcarder for the time being. Even having him sell to the geriatric Lawler is bad, so here’s hoping it’s quick.
Winner – Muhammen Nahasapimapetawhatever.
Brad Torreano: The truth? Lots of stalling, Hassan wins. But I genuinely hope this is the most tasteless chunk of Wrestlecrap we see in years. Just to shake things up, y’know?
Winner – Hassan
Gene Snitsky vs. KANE
PK: This feud has to continue for a little while longer, so both have to look strong.
Winner — No Contest
Eric Szulczewski: Kane has to get some back here, no matter what. The trick is, how are they going to do it without burying Snitsky, whom WWE has put a lot of time and effort into getting over? The answer is that
Kane does damage, but Snitsky wins by some underhanded method.
Winner – Gene Snitsky
Joshua Grutman: A match like this comes along once a millennium. Will Kane avenge his dead baby and harassed wife? Will Snitsky continue his winning and baby killing ways? HOW CAN THE TENSION BE ANY HIGHER! HOLY CRAP! I’M CUMMMMMMMMMING!
Winner – Snitsky
Kurtis Osterlund: SQUASH! But, Kane gets jumped by Abyss following the
match or the next night on RAW.
Winner — KANE
Jed Shaffer: From obscurity you came, Mr. Snitsky, and back to obscurity you go.
Winner – The Big Red Angry Un-Daddy
Raven West: I actually would have saved this for WM. Yeah, I know it would suck then too, but I don’t really know what that leaves these guys to do, unless Kane turns back heel. Maybe Kane will finally win one as a face.
Winner — KANE
Blatt: Snitsky doesn’t stand a chance against Kane with the Royal Rumble coming up. More fun than this prediction would be how many people does Kane eliminate in the Royal Rumble this year? Or will Snitsky be around after this feud has worked it’s way through? Didn’t Abyss JUST leave TNA? Puerto Rico’s not far from Orlando, right? Does TNA own the rights to the “Abyss” name?
Winner – Kane and Planned Parenthood
Gordi: I really enjoyed their Taboo Tuesday match, and I want to see if Snitsky will sell as well for Kane as Kane sold for him. I also think that it would be a fun twist to have Matt Hardy come back and get involved in the story line somehow.
Winner — Kane
Iain Burnside: Okay, right about here is where they need to pull their fingers out of their asses, do some long-term planning, and actually figure out what the hell they want to do with Snitsky anyway. They could quite easily job him out to Kane in no time at all, sacrificing months of inexplicably brilliant character building for one cheap pop that kills of the Snitsky threat once and for all… OR, they could kick off the slow-build to WrestleMania by having Heidenreich turn up and beat the holy hell out of Kane, have Undertaker return the favour to Snitsky at the Royal Rumble, then turn on the auto-booker for an inter-brand tag team match come April 3rd. Simple enough. Also, I just realized that WWE has NO PPVs on during March. That’s just freaky.
Winner – No Contest
Mike Lawrence: The match I’m dreading, but not for the reason most are. I’m really digging Snitsky now, but his comeuppance by Kane is long overdue. At least he was on top this long. The Age of Snitsky is at an end. Sob.
Winner — Kane
Brad Torreano: I love the Zitsky like I’ll someday love my son or daughter, so it’ll be way sad when Isaac Yankem beats his ass up and down Puerto Rico.
Winner – Kane
Eugene & William Regal (c) vs. Christian & Tyson Tomko – World Tag Team Titles
PK: No way Eugene and Willie keep loose their straps. Tomko needs to go.
Winners — Eugene & Regal
Eric Szulczewski: As much as I love Regal, the belt must come off the retard immediately. Death to retards, and congrats to Christian winning his tenth or eleventh tag title (frankly, I’ve lost count).
Winners – Christian and Tyson Tomko
Joshua Grutman: This is a match that you really have to research scientifically in order to determine the winner. Tails.
Winners — Christian & Tomko
Kurtis Osterlund: Something in me really wants to see Tyson Tomko end up like Sid in his last match (ironically enough one of the matches available on this event’s WWE webcast). I really hate goat boy.
Winners — The Bloody Window Lickers
Jed Shaffer: Ooooh! A battle of two thrown-together teams! WWE, hear my plea: DISBAND THE TAG DIVISION ALREADY! Quit insulting it, and us, by having these temporary teams fighting for the titles constantly! As for this match…like I care.
Winner – The retard and poor, poor Regal
Raven West: Christian and Tomko getting the titles? Please.
Winners — Eugene & Regal
Blatt: This has the possibility of being a good match, but I don’t think it’s gonna get enough time. Eugene gets the pin on Tomko.
Winner — Eugene, Regal and my ability to forget that Christian and
Tomko ever tried to go for the tag belts
Gordi: I wonder if the problem solver will get in any offense more complicated than the Big Boot. I also want to see what old school moves Eugene busts out in this one.
Winner – Eugene & Regal
Iain Burnside: Yet another example of why having Tag Team Titles in this day and age is nothing more than a strategic lesson in futility. Honestly, would Raw not be a better place if Rosey and Grenier were let go, leaving Hurricane and Conway to do their own thing by getting out of the only two proper teams the show has? Eugene and Regal work perfectly well as a wrestler and mentor combination. Nobody wants to see Tomko wrestle… nobody wants to see him in Christian’s corner either, but it is the lesser of two evils. Poor ol’ Chris deserves far, far better than this.
Winners – Eugene & William Regal
Mike Lawrence: Poor Christian. The guy couldn’t possibly be more entertaining than he is, and yet they stick him with that friggin Tomko toy. I want to see CLB pushed but not with that SOB. Besides, Eugene and Regal are doing good with the titles and shouldn’t lose them anytime in the short term.
Winner – The Lindsay Lohan fan club
Brad Torreano: Eugene and Regal are on a mildly hot streak and it would be stupid to end their kid friendly act so soon. Christian is one of my faves but I really hate that dastardly Tyson Tomko, so I’m still rooting for the ‘tard and his British buddy.
Winners — Eugene & Regal
Lita (c) vs. Trish Stratus – Woman’s Title
PK: Lita holds on to the belt, at least until WM.
Winner — Lita
Eric Szulczewski: If they decide to extend the Kane/Snitsky angle, Lita has to be put directly into that one, so her dropping the title…wait a second, this match is the whole women’s division. So status quo until they decide to bring up Alexis Laree or somebody to stop the four-way roundelay.
Winner – Lita
Joshua Grutman: God I’m so lonely. You ever think to yourself sometimes that you should just drink yourself to death? I mean, what else is there? This round table? God? God doesn’t need me and he doesn’t want me. I think to myself that it would be so much easier for everyone if I were to just go away, disappear into the…….. Sorry! Sorry everyone. 411’s Randle got on my computer somehow. What was the question? Ah yes.
Winner – Lita
Kurtis Osterlund: Lita’s got to get it here. No point in switching the title back already.
Winner — Lita
Jed Shaffer: If there was a stip to freshen this up, perhaps. But a straight rematch? Move along folks, nothing to see here.
Winner – Mrs. Big Red Machine
Raven West: Don’t really know. Lita just won it, so…
Winner – Lita
Blatt: Would they give Lita the title on RAW only to take it away from her on the following PPV? The woman’s division is in shambles on RAW at the moment and maybe a Lita title run can bring out some female heels from the wood works.
Winners – Lita and Durex
Gordi: Is there anywhere at all left for the RAW women’s division to go after this feud runs its course?
Winner — Lita
Iain Burnside: Hmm, that’s half of the women’s division in this match then. I certainly wouldn’t expect Lita to lose the title until Matt Hardy gets back from his injury. That’s pretty much all I have to say about this one. Where’s my curry delivery?
Winner – Lita
Mike Lawrence: It won’t have the meaning or quality of the T.V match, so in a way they shot themselves in the foot by giving that away on free T.V.. It’s too soon for Lita to lose anyway.
Winner – Lita
Brad Torreano: Lita’s gotta do it if they’re serious about this feud. I hope that somehow, everyone ends up naked in the end.
Winner – Lita, but I still love you Trish.
Shelton Benjamin (c) vs. Maven – Intercontinental Title
PK: There’s no stoppin’ him. In all honestly, I really, really don’t like Shelton…but I think Maven is less interesting, however, he did just turn heel, and this might be his ticket in to Evolution.
Winner — Maven
Eric Szulczewski: As shockingly entertaining as Heel Maven has been, there’s just no way that he can win this and keep the belt from being a laughingstock. Benjy’s done fine with it so far, so keep it that way until Maven or someone else is ready.
Winner – Shelton Benjamin
Joshua Grutman: THE ERA OF MAVEN BEGINS!
Winner — Shelton (by A LOT)
Kurtis Osterlund: Too early into his heel run for Maven to be getting a title. So, of course he will get the title using cheap tactics.
Winner – Maven
Jed Shaffer: I HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE Maven. He’s f*cking worthless, he has the personality of wallpaper, and can’t wrestle a match to save his life. Fuck him. I’m not picking him just on GP’s.
Winner – Maven, you ain’t gonna stop him now
Raven West: I hope to god Maven doesn’t win this thing. BUT he has been in WWE for 4 years…Anyways, I’m pretty sure Batista will win this title at WM, I’m just not sure as a face or heel.
Winner – The Black Guy
Blatt: Can someone say squash? Maven’s been around doing nothing for the past four years on the RAW roster and this certainly isn’t his time. What Maven needs is to be traded over to Smackdown so people forget that he hasn’t done anything for so long.
Winner – Shelton and the Smackdown roster come April 4th
Gordi: We’ve all seen that Benjamin can work an excellent match given the right opponent. Now we get to see if he can carry a lesser worker.
Winner – Shelton Benjamin
Iain Burnside: Listening to Maven’s commentary reminded me a hell of a lot of early Randy Orton heel mic work. They also have pretty much the same moveset, equally gaytastic entrance music and a fondness for The Khaki. Someone please tell me why I am supposed to care about Maven, again? The only good thing he ever did was get the living crap kicked out of him at the Royal Rumble by the Undertaker a few years back, and Nowinski should totally have won Tough Enough in the first place… Bleh. I look forward to this match falling thoroughly under “nice enough” territory, then hopefully they’ll go with the Benjamin/Hassan feud I mentioned earlier on. As for Maven… well, if they *are* going to insist on keeping both him and the tag team “division” around, then they could do worse than team him up with the Coach for a feud with Eugene/Regal – one that would actually make complete sense in terms of character history.
Winner – Shelton Benjamin
Mike Lawrence: Benjamin is great where he is, and should keep the title. Maven should be banished from society, along with anyone else who has ever been saddled with such a shitty name. Shelton is cool name, cause he reminds of that chick on Garfield and Friends who walked around in his shell. I know his name’s Sheldon, but hey, close enough.
Winner – Sheldo…Shelton Benjamin
Brad Torreano: They finally seem serious about this Maven push, and Benjamin can afford a loss or two, so Maven will do it with some devious cheating.
Winner — Maven
HHH vs. Randy Orton vs. Batista vs. Chris Jericho vs. Chris Benoit vs. Edge – World Heavyweight Title – Elimination Chamber
PK: Big Dave reveals that is loyal to Evolution through and through, and he helps HHH win back the belt. I say Batista will be next to challenge (and defeat) Shelton for the IC Title, HBK and Edge will put their feud into full swing, Orton will win the Rumble, and Benoit and Jericho will…will…start tagging? Ummm..face each other at WM for the #1 Contendership?
Winner — HHH
Eric Szulczewski: There are only two real possible winners here that would keep the Wrestlemania plans alive: Trip and Orton. Batista has to be fully turned from Evolution (and if they decide to repeat the way they did it with Orton, they’re even more creatively bankrupt than we thought, and that’s saying something). The others are there for show and for future angles (Benoit/Edge? Jericho/Edge?). So turn it over to Trip, because he can make the most of the belt promo-wise. Give Orton the RR win, and somehow get Batista involved viz. last year with Michaels.
Winner – Trip
Joshua Grutman: This is a tough one. HHH has the experience, Orton and Batista have the momentum, Jericho has the all around package x-factor, Benoit has the skill and Edge has the gayness. How will Edge use his obviously blatant homosexuality to his advantage during this match? I think that if you figure that out, you figure out the winner. And I’ve figured out the winner.
Winner – HHH
Kurtis Osterlund: I have no idea who’s going to win this, honestly. I only know that it won’t be Y2J for sure. I’m just going to say screw it and put my money on the power of DAVE! to win it all.
Winner – Batista
Jed Shaffer: Jericho won’t win it because he’s the odd man out in this. Benoit has lost too much momentum to win. Edge’s whiny personality hasn’t lost enough steam to finally get the win. They can’t blow their load and give it to Orton YET. That leaves H’s and the most overrated sack of shit in the WWE (sorry, my fellow writers, but deep down, you know I’m right: Batista is a load). It’d seem a waste of time to vacate the title only to put it right back on the H’s, but despite my bias against Batista, I just don’t think he’s ready yet. And besides, since when does WWE booking have to make sense? Not like they haven’t vacated titles only to put them back on the person who had them (see Jarrett, Jeff and Goldust).
Winner – The 8th letter of the alphabet, to the third factor
Raven West: This is really what’s gonna draw buys, as this thing may actually get more than 200,000 buys! I say it’s still HHH/Orton at Mania.
Winner – HHH
Blatt: Nothing makes more sense than to have Trips walk into WM21 with the title around his waist. And I’m NOt interested in seeing a one month Batista title run. Not at all. Expect to come down to Orton, Batista and Triple H at the end. Batista will eliminate Orton, Trips will steal the win from Batista.
Winner – Triple H and the WM main event
Gordi: I am not sure if I’ll order this show or not. I think each of the matches has the potential to be interesting, but only the Main Event has the potential to be any kind of a must-see. The problem I have is that if Benoit gets eliminated as quickly here as he did in the Survivor Series, it would be a big disappointment. If HHH emerges with the belt yet again, it would be a big disappointment. I’d like to see this card, but I don’t want to spend money to be disappointed.
Winner – HHH
Iain Burnside: To get all Scott Bakula for a sec – oh, boy. Seriously, I think this is the first time I have been anxiously awaiting any one match in particular since Rock/Austin at WrestleMania XVII. Say what you will about the ropey booking that plagued Orton in between SummerSlam and Survivor Series, things since then have just been firing on all cylinders and we are now in that oh-so-wonderful spot of not having a clue what the WrestleMania Raw main event is going to be. The smart money is obviously on one of HHH/Orton, HHH/Batista or HHH/Orton/Batista, with my pipe dream of Orton/Edge rapidly diminishing in favour of an Edge/Michaels match that has the potential to piss me off as much as Jericho/Michaels at WrestleMania XIX did depending on the outcome. Sure, Jericho and Benoit are pretty much dead weight in this match – but that’s some pretty f*cking talented dead weight that I’d quite happily pay to see. As for the eventual winner… pff, I have no idea about that either. The one thing I am fairly sure of is that at some point in this match HHH will Kick-Wham-Pedigree the shit out of a surprised Batista, then pin him, and that Michaels will have something to do with Edge’s elimination (perhaps missing a foot on the ropes). That boils it down to Orton or Hunter and, when in doubt, all roads and all golds lead to the House of H…
Winner – Triple H
Mike Lawrence: The only match on the card I can act out with the “Smackdown Vs. Raw” game I just bought. This is a tough one, and has some genuine suspense. You can already write off the three Canadians who have been treated as afterthoughts. Out of the three remaining combatants, you have a guy whose had the belt to long, a guy who should have never (and should never again) have the belt, and a guy who should, but not yet. Tough, tough. Plus Michaels as ref is a big X factor. I’ll go with HHH, but only because there’s another pay-per-view in two weeks, however, based on my picks that means no title changes. Has that ever happened? It might be a first.
Winner – HHH
Brad Torreano: It’s tough to call, since the Orton and Batista pushes seem to be so potent these days. Still, we’re talking about H here, so I think it’s a safe bet that we’ve got a heel champ ’til ‘Mania. Still, deep down I want Batista to powerbomb the living hell out of Triple H for twenty minute straight. Just have it be the most ridiculous power match ever conceived.
Winner — Triple H
