The Crucifix

Let me open by saying this: I have no clue why I like football so much. I kind of root for the Jets, but I knew they had no hope. Regardless, I watch every playoff game for some reason.

Now before we get started, I have to admit to cheating. I cheated on Raw last week and I will continue to do so for the next 20 weeks. I watched 24, which is the best show on TV…like ever. Regardless of it being void of Elisha Cuthbert and Reiko Aylesworth this year, it still rules. So I taped Raw and watched it later this week, meaning I cost WWE a small portion of a ratings point. So whatever the ratings were, increase it by 0.18724, and you have the correct rating. On with the show…

Raw 01.10.05
-HHH promo, he says on his 10th title win, he is just hitting his stride. Batista enters, given a grand introduction by The Game. Orton follows, saying he has footage showing that HHH could’ve saved Batista at NYR, but didn’t. HHH downplays it, saying nobody wants to see his footage. 1 person does though: DAVE. The footage rolls and sure enough, Trips could’ve made the save. HHH says he couldn’t make the save due to blood loss and exhaustion. Batista looks as though he doesn’t believe him and Orton demands a title shot. GM Eric comes out and agrees with Orton. Triple H brings up the stipulation, which Eric throws out because Triple H lost the title. So tonight, we have a # 1 contender match between Orton and Batista.
-Eugene dislocated his kneecap and Lita tore her ACL.
-Shelton Benjamin def. Maven.
-Muhammed Hassan gloats.
-Muhammed Hassan def. The Hurricane
-HHH and Batista in the back. HHH tells Batista that he deserves the title shot. Dave says we should all get what we deserve.
-Edge def. Rhyno
-Edge complains about HBK. HBK comes out and tells Edge to win the Rumble and win the title at Wrestlemania. Edge likes the idea, but likes another idea better. He then starts brawling with Michaels. They fight throughout the commercial break and into a souvenir booth.
-Simon Dean comes out with new pills. Kane comes out and tried said pills. He doesn’t like them and shoves them down Dean’s throat. Snitsky comes out and lays out Kane with a chair shot and another one to the throat.
-HHH sends Flair to motivate Batista with “negative reinforcement”.
-Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit def. Christian and Tyson Tomko
-Flair tells HHH that Batista didn’t take the motivation too well. Batista apparently doesn’t think he is getting support. HHH says he will show him that Evolution supports him.
-Christy! def. Maria in a Lingerie Pillow Fight
-Orton def. Batista due to botched interference from HHH. He tried to give Batista a chair, which Dave refused. Orton pushed Batista into the chair and rolled him up.

The Raw Membrane

Legally:
-Triple H is guilty of not being a team player at NYR.
-Randy Orton is guilty of voyeurism.
-Edge is guilty of unprovoked assault.
-Edge and Shawn Michaels are guilty of destroying property.
-The souvenir guys are guilty of having prices that are too high. Really, $25 for a shirt?
-Kane is guilty of pill popping and peer pressure for forcing the pills down Simon Dean’s throat.
-Snitsky is guilty of assault with a deadly weapon.
-Triple H is guilty of botched interference. If you’re going to do it, do it right.
-Batista is guilty of being dumb. Just use the chair, it makes everything easier.

Personally:
-No denying it, Batista is going to break out soon and it is going to be awesome. It’s like watching childbirth, right now he’s at like 6 centimeters and the water is broken. Soon we’ll see the head.
-I like the fact that they were able to set up an angle during the Elimination Chamber. It shows forward thinking and good creativity.
-Eugene + Dislocated Kneecap = La Resistance title win.
-Lita + torn ACL = Frustration. You have to feel for the girl, the neck thing was bad enough, now this?
– Shelton Benjamin vs. Maven was a washout. My question still stands from last week though. Who did Maven forget to jerk off?
-PK still needs a completely insensitive name for Muhammed Hassan’s finisher. I came up with “WMD” for Weapon of Muhammed’s Destruction and the “Inverted Burca”.
-Edge needs to go to Smackdown. Although I did like the fight in the souvenir stand. Reminded me of HBK and Mr. Perfect back in the old Raw days.
-Who had Simon Dean still on Raw this late in their office pool? Anybody?
-If Christian knew getting a “Problem Solver” way back when would result in him being a part of a mid-card tag team, do you think he would’ve went for it?
-Christy vs. Maria was an early MOTY contender.
-Randy Orton vs. Batista. That match is something you will be seeing in the future when this business is booming again. Good stuff. Batista’s look at Triple H when they were going off air was awesome. That “I’m going to kill you and run your dog over” look really made sense.

Smackdown 01.13.05
-Recap of the Amy Webber/Kurt Angle drama from last week.
-Angle apologizes to Joy. Show tells him he has guts to do so, and JBL better apologize too.
-The Basham Brothers def. Rey Mysterio & RVD, Eddie Guerrero and Booker T and Luther Reigns & Mark Jindrak to win the WWE Tag Team Titles.
-Big Show and Joy meet up wit JBL, Amy and Orlando Jordan. JBL apologizes and Show wants an apology from Amy. Amy calls Joy a slut instead. Catfight gets separated and Teddy Long makes Amy vs. Joy for later on in the evening.
-Kurt Angle defeated a Hometown Hero to retain his gold medals.
-John Cena def. Kenzo Suzuki to retain the US Title.
-Amy Webber def. Joy by forfeit, due to Joy not coming out.
-Drama as Joy is missing.
-Funaki def. Nunzio to retain the WWE Cruiserweight Title.
-The search continues for Joy, as Orlando Jordan is a suspect.
-Orlando Jordan denies any involvement.
-JBL is honored by the Florida Agriculture Group aka FAG. Angle breaks up the ceremony and finds Joy in the trunk of JBL’s limo. Big Show comes out and beats the hell out of everyone, killing Jordan with a chair.
-Angle, Reigns and Jindrak laugh backstage, with Angle saying he loves when a plan comes together.

The Smackdown Membrane

Legally:
-Amy is guilty of defamation of character by calling Joy a slut.
-Kurt Angle and his cohorts are guilty of kidnapping, false imprisonment in the trunk of a car, lying, and rape. The rape can’t be confirmed by Luther Reigns always looks suspect.

Personally:
-Have you noticed nothing really illegal happens on Smackdown?
-Good match for the tag titles, although you had to know that The Bashams would get the titles sooner rather than later. WWE rule states that if you have the champion in your stable, you must have the tag champions at some point.
-Funny thing: Diva Search losers get more airtime than the Diva Search winner.
-When Smackdown comes to NY, I want to be the Hometown Hero. Ya see, I have friends that are cops. I will shoot Angle just to get those medals.
-I like how the cruiser title is being represented instead of turned into comedy.
-Cena vs. Suzuki was short…real short. I can’t think of what they’re going to do with Cena at this point. Although the new title belt with the spinner is awesome. How much do you think they’ll charge for that replica?
-Orlando Jordan as a suspect? C’mon, why does it always have to be the black man kidnapping the white women!?
-Florida Agriculture Group? FAG? People are paid to write this? If that is the best they can do, then here, somebody go apply for the damn job.
-Good work with the revelation that it was Angle. But the setup for the match has gone from athletes to their ho’s. That’s kind of stupid because Angle is the man, JBL has been tolerable and Show is huge and seems to be in better shape. Why not build around them rather than “Kidnap my bitch”?


Short Thoughts of TNA’s Final Resolution:

-So TNA worked the net I guess. Either that or Abyss just didn’t work for a week. Let me ask this one question though: What is the purpose of working the net? Is it to draw attention with a PPV coming up? Or is it just for the fun of it? I don’t really care because I like certain TNA wrestlers and not the TNA product, whereareas I like the WWE product and it’s wrestlers. Just saying, can’t the office at TNA find something better to do than work the net?

-When can WWE sign Jeff Hardy? I know I’m in the minority, but I’d like to see him back on WWE TV. Sign him and Styles, pair them together and put them on Smackdown. I’ll take those two against an RVD/Mysterio team any day of the week.

-Glad to hear that the fans chanted bullshit as Jeff Jarrett was finishing up in the main event. Believe me, watching Jeff Jarrett as TNA champion is a perfect example of watching how not to run a wrestling organization. Yes, Vince McMahon is a former WWE/F Champion. But it’s not as if Vince was so selfish that he went over the entire roster. It was a joke and we took it as such. Now, Jarrett as champion is a joke that nobody is in on, including Jarrett himself. Is he talented? Yes. Does he put on a good show? Yes. Has he seemingly held everyone back from being top dog in TNA? Yes. Fact of the matter is, it’s not like he has an excuse. Any other champion can deny that they are holding people down and cite the writers making the choices. In Jarrett’s case, he has the run of the ship. Plain and simple, Monty Brown should’ve walked out of Final Resolution as champion, but he didn’t. That Jeff Jarrett still wears the TNA Championship is another reason that TNA won’t be competing against WWE anytime soon. Not being biased, just being truthfull.


The Crown of Thorns: Raw 01.17.05
-Randy Orton vs. Triple H announced for Royal Rumble.
-Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit battle to a 60-minute time limit draw, as WWE treats the fans in Canada very nicely.
-Kane def. Snitsky to end their feud.
-Batista def. Rosey to get a Royal Rumble spot.
-A special appearance by The Rock! (One can hope)
-Trish Stratus will take on Victoria for the women’s title. Victoria will win. (Just doing that hope thing again)
-The Hurricane and Rosey will lose to La Resistance in a tag title match. The only reason for this match is to show that they change titles at house shows.

The Crown of Thorns: Smackdown 01.20.05
-Kurt Angle will get his own girl for people to kidnap, rape and pillage upon.
-John Cena will lose the US Title to Rey Mysterio. (Random prediction)
-Triple Threat Cruiserweight Title match will be setup for the Royal Rumble. Funaki vs. Spike Dudley vs. Akio
-The problems between Carlito and Teddy Long will get physical.
-Stone Cold Steve Austin will show up to replace Teddy Long after Carlito takes Long out. Stone Cold looks at Carlito and says, “Son, I never liked Mexicans and I damn sure don’t like tacos. You try anything and I’ll whip that ass and deport you.” JBL interrupts, “Can I help? Sieg Heil!”


Why Victoria Rules

This is a new section. In this section I will give a picture of Victoria and a short reason why she rules.


Victoria Rules Because:
She loves Motorcycles
Visit Victoria at ViciousVixen.com


The WWE Golden Globes

With the Golden Globes taking place last night, I figured I would take the categories and figure out who in WWE goes where for 2004. Yes, it’s almost February. Golden Globes didn’t care, why should I? So the winners are:

Raw:

Picture, Drama: “The Passion of Benoit”

Actor, Drama: Chris Benoit, “The Passion of Benoit”

Actress, Drama: Lita, “Hellfire and Conception”

Picture, Musical or Comedy: “The Canadian Triangle”

Actor, Musical or Comedy: Chris Jericho, “The Canadian Triangle”

Actress, Musical or Comedy: Trish Stratus, “The Canadian Triangle”

Supporting Actor: Christian, “The Canadian Triangle”

Supporting Actress: Trish Stratus, “Hellfire and Conception”

Director: Triple H, “Hunter’s 10”

Screenplay: Raw Creative, “Hellfire and Conception”

Original Song: Shelton Benjamin, “Aint No Stopping Me Now”

Smackdown:

Picture, Drama: “Collapse of a Brand”

Actor, Drama: John Bradshaw Layfield, “Midnight at Auschwitz”

Actress, Drama: Torrie Wilson, “The Whore”

Picture, Musical or Comedy: “Here Comes The NFL”

Actor, Musical or Comedy: Brock Lesnar, “Here Comes The NFL”

Actress, Musical or Comedy: Hiroko, “Coming To America 2”

Supporting Actor: Jesus, “The Club”

Supporting Actress: Miss Jackie, “Between Two Men”

Director: Bob Holly, “The Grudge 2”

Screenplay: Sable, “Here Comes The NFL”

Original Song: John Cena, “Word Life”, “The Club” soundtrack.

Congratulations to all the winners, and I look forward to a spectacular 2005.


The Voice of This Person
If you live in New York, chances are that you have read the Daily News. If you have read the Daily News, you almost certainly have come across the section called “Voice of the People”. This is the section where people get their letters published. Generally, these people are among the most annoying in the universe, because you can hear the anger and stupidity in their words. This bothers me. So I am going to select a few letters weekly from the Sunday edition and respond to them. Here we go…

Westbury, L.I.: Not only will my Kerry bumper sticker stay on my car, I have several spares, and I look on them with pride. -John Ford

Mr. Ford,
You sir, are dumb. Looking upon a John Kerry bumper sticker with pride is like looking at the Holocaust and saying, “That worked out well for all involved.” If Senator Kerry had gotten into office, we would tuck our tails between our legs and run from a fight we must win. Throw the stickers out, they don’t mean anything. No pride. Nothing. Bitch.
– Dan Hevia

Elmont, L.I.: The phony outrage at Dan Rather is the continuation of an assault on democracy and educated, clear-thinking citizens. Rather was right, and George W. Bush is a liar and coward. – Pierre Narusse

HEVIA NOTE: DO NOT LET CHILDREN READ THIS RESPONSE

Mr. Narusse,

You sir, are a dipshit of the worst kind. “Phony outrage”? Documents that Dan Rather placed on television in the middle of an election were FAKE. Funny that your name is Pierre. I don’t have anything against French people, just a little bit of angst against the country. All I’m saying is that it’s a dumb French f*ck like you that gives all the French people a bad name. Rather wasn’t right jerky. That is why 4 of his colleagues got fired for letting the story air and why Mr. Rather is retiring early. It’s because he tried to influence an election for the Democratic Party. He has friends and family members that are prominent Democrats in Texas, and he was working to bring down Bush. He f*cked up and he got caught. So, in closing, f*ck you, f*ck your beret, choke on a f*cking croissant and f*ck your Eiffel Tower. Bitch.

-Dan Hevia

Brooklyn: These sky-high salaries paid players by Major League Baseball have done more to devalue the American dollar than all the Euro nations combined. – John J. Burkard

Mr. Burkard,

I’m not a banker, but I can tell you that I think the war might have a little something to do with the American dollar’s value. Or the sluggish economy might. I don’t think that Alex Rodriquez getting paid twenty million dollars has anything to do with the value of the dollar. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you’re just retarded. I believe the latter. Bitch.

-Dan Hevia

Long Beach, L.I.: Angelina Jolie says she “wants to try everybody once”? Well, I’m listed in the phone book. Stop on by, Angelina. – Timothy Ercolano

Mr. Ercolano,
I had dibs a long time ago, but you have the right idea. Just remember, I had dibs. Bitch.

-Dan Hevia


Joanie Laurer

HUMAN ADVISORY: THE FOLLOWING PICTURE VERY WELL COULD KILL YOU. PROCEED WITH CAUTION


If you can’t see this picture, go to the link provided below. It is horrible. You’ve been warned.

Yea, that’s Joanie Laurer, formerly known as Chyna and currently calling herself Chynadoll. This picture was taken at her disturbing appearance on The Howard Stern Show. In the interview, she rambled on nonsensically and received a phone call from Sean Waltman. The recap can be found here. She said that she would never go back to WWE, no matter how much they offered her. At this point I assume Vince McMahon would pay her thousands to stay away. But reading this and seeing that picture brings me to this point:

Triple H is not just the smartest man in wrestling, he is the smartest man in the history of the universe.

Now, I know that he is still friends with Sean Waltman, but in terms of getting rid of Chyna for Stephanie, I think he made out the best in that deal. It’s like trading Mugsy Bogues for Michael Jordan. He ditched someone who has become increasingly psychotic and, from the sound of it, addicted to something, for a person that will take over the reigns of WWE, wrestling’s empire. Imagine the stock package she has! On top of that, Stephanie is damn hot! Damn he is the man. All that and he can teach you how to workout. I definitely recommend his book. Since he is so awesome, and I am in serious awe of him, here is a picture of him with the equally awesome red tights. Yes…awesome red tights.

Due to the aforementioned Joanie Laurer interview, I call June in the “Chyna wrestling related death” pool. That’s what is so messed up about it. Joanie hasn’t been with the WWE for years, yet when she dies, it will be “wrestling” or “WWE” related, rather than the more correct “hazard to society death”.


That just about does it for me. I’d like to reiterate that 24 rules, but I miss Elisha Cuthbert and Reiko Aylesworth. There is no way that I can describe how much I miss them without breaking out Michael Bolton. So here, for you, is a little look into my aching heart.

I could hardly believe it
When I turned on 24 today
I had to come and get it straight from the internet
They said you were leavin’
Someone took your script away
From the look upon your face, I see it’s true
So tell me all about it, tell me ’bout the
plans you’re makin’
Then tell me one thing more before the show

[Chorus:]
Tell me how am I suppose to live without you
Now that I’ve been lovin’ you so long
How am I suppose to live without you
How am I suppose to carry on
When all that I’ve been livin’ for is gone

I didn’t come here for cryin’
Didn’t come here to break down
It’s just a weekly dream of mine is coming to an end
And how can I blame you
When I build my world around
24 and the hope that one day we’d be so much
more than friends
And I don’t wanna know the price I’m
gonna pay for dreaming
When even now it’s more than I can take

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
And I don’t wanna face the price I’m
gonna pay for dreaming
Now that you’re off the show

[Chorus]

Pardon me…SNIFF SNIFF…ok I’m back….Sniff…

-Check out Froamy the Squirrel over at IllWillPress. That squirrel is always right.

And, as always, check out my blog:

Hope everyone is enjoying their day off, even though I don’t have it off. Go f*** yourselves for that by the way. Otherwise, have a good week. I’m out like the fat kid in dodgeball.

Join our newsletter

never miss the latest news, reviews, live event coverage, audio podcasts, exclusive interviews and commentary for Movies, TV, Music, Sports, Comics, Video Games!