Recapped: Desperate Housewives – Episode 12

Back again with another recap of Desperate Housewives, except now it is the Golden Globe award-winning comedy Desperate Housewives. This is about as dark as dark comedies get, so I was surprised to see that this won over such contenders as Arrested Development. Also, I was surprised to see that Teri Hatcher won a Golden Globe for being the best actress in a television comedy. That’s also pretty silly, considering that she isn’t even close to the best Housewife on the show (that goes to Bree Van De Kamp, naturally).

I’ll try not to get too broken up about it, though, because even though I felt that DH was in the wrong category and probably would’ve been better suited in the drama category with its buddy Lost (which unfortunately lived up to its name against Nip/Tuck, another winner which I don’t quite understand), it’s still nice to see a good show getting its due props.

Nothing in the mailbag, so on with the recap!

Previously, on Desperate Housewives: Mike doesn’t think that he should be spying on the nice people of Wisteria Lane, but Mike’s boss has good money that one of them isn’t so nice: Little does Mike know that Paul Young is the man he should be looking out for. Promises were made as Mrs. Huber’s sister arrived in the neighborhood and promised to get to the bottom of things regarding the “disappearance” of her sister–which Mrs. Huber’s sister has already written off as her death. Marriages came undone as Carlos announces that Gabrielle and he are about to start a family, much to the surprise of Gabrielle; and Bree asked her pharmacist out on a date, much to the surprise of Rex. And the truth was denied as Susan is put under pressure by Mrs. Huber to admit to burning Edie Britt’s house down. Wow, that’s kinda random to bring out of nowhere.

Dead Woman Narrating kicks us off by telling us Mrs. Huber had waited her whole life for something to happen to her, something exciting. “As a child, she hoped to be kidnapped by a band of pirates. As a teenager she dreamt of being discovered by a Hollywood talent scout. As a young woman, she fantasized a handsome millionaire would sweep her off her feet.” However, years went by without anything exciting happening to Martha Huber. That is, until the night she was murdered. And in those last moments as she was being choked to death by Paul Young, she realized that along with being boring, life could also be very cruel. Fortunately, death for Mrs. Huber was far more merciful.

And now we go to where Martha Huber is buried and discovered by a dog with a very potent nose, as the detective notes that they’ve found their woman. And then he sees the media coming around and asks the police officer to make sure no one contaminates the crime scene. So as the detective leaves to push away the press, the officer kneels down and talks to Martha Huber’s dead body, telling her that a lot of people have been looking for her and that her picture is going to be on every newspaper in the state. Now, the officer couldn’t be entirely sure, but for a moment he might just have seen the corpse of Martha Huber smile. How wonderful.

You’re watching Desperate Housewives, which totally bored me with that opening segment.

Now we’re moving on over to Wisteria Lane, as Dead Woman Narrating announces that once again, death has come to Wisteria Lane. A detective gets out of a police car and approaches Mrs. Huber’s sister, breaking the bad news of her sister’s death to her as she actually looks shocked, dropping the hose that she was using to water the lawn. Seems kinda forced, but whatever. News of the tragedy would spread throughout the neighborhood, but for the moment, everyone would carry on, blissfully unaware of anything else outside of Wisteria Lane. And with that, Susan walks out of her house and makes a beeline to the Delfino household, entering with excitement over finishing her latest book and wanting to celebrate with Mike by having dinner somewhere. But Edie Britt is there already–ugh–and it turns out that Mike would like a rain check on that, since Edie and Mike are looking over the plans to rebuild the Britt household. Apparently, Edie wanted only one plumber to work on the…plumbing of her new house, and warns Susan that she might not see Mike for a few months since she’s going to be riding hard. As if the sexual innuendo quotient hadn’t been reached yet, Susan ups the ante by saying that if anyone can go the distance, it’s Mike. After all, she should know. And with that and a sarcastic look from Edie Britt, Susan goes off. But not without sharing a rather passionate kiss with Mike. Edie brings Mike back to reality…and then her cell phone rings. It’s Mrs. Huber’s sister, who shares the bad news of Martha’s death. Womp womp womp womp. We don’t get any reactions from Mike and Susan, we simply just cut…

…to the Scavo family minus Tom, as Lynette is ready to take a yoga meditation class. Unfortunately, the daycare center is full, so the Scavo kids have nowhere to play. The other yoga moms get there early, thus they get their kids in there and are ready to yoga right on time. The attendant at the desk suggests that Lynette plan ahead next time, and this of course stirs Lynette’s pot of anger, as she points out to Lauren (the lady at the desk), that she is a mother of four. Lynette goes into a rant about why she’s so crazy and that yoga is the only thing that can relax her, except now she can’t get into the class, and Lauren tells her to plan ahead. It’s a vicious cycle. Lauren understands, but if she breaks the rules for Lynette, she has to break the rules for the rest of the mothers, and the original mothers who followed the rules would get pissed at Lauren, Lauren would have to reciprocate with the pissyness, and in the end, Lauren wouldn’t have time to read her magazine. That cycle doesn’t seem as vicious as the one Lynette is on, but whatever. Anyway, Lynette hopes that Lauren has lots of children in the future. And then Lynette’s cell phone rings. Bad news from Susan and such.

Back to Wisteria Lane, as George arrives at the Van De Kamp household to drop Bree off after an early date. Bree looks at the window and realizes that Rex isn’t looking out of his window, so Bree tries to make as much noise as possible while keeping up conversation with George. George understands that it would be awkward for him to join Bree for some coffee inside the Van De Kamp house, despite Bree not really caring about Rex. George wonders if Bree wants to have lunch tomorrow, and as Rex finally looks out the window, Bree embraces Rex and accepts the invitation. And so George hands over Bree’s packages and is off. And there’s the cell phone call from Lynette.

Further down Wisteria Lane, Carlos arrives back home on bail, as the officers remove his handcuffs and then take their leave. Carlos and Gabrielle celebrate with some cheap champagne, and then Gabrielle notices a small receiver next to Carlos. Sure enough, Carlos is under house arrest. Should he move more than 100 feet from the telephone, an alarm will sound, and if he moves any further, a signal will be sent to the FBI and Carlos will be thrown right back in jail. This was not what Gabrielle was expecting, as he was thinking that Carlos was going to find some work and earn some more money for the Solis house. Carlos was under the assumption himself that Gabrielle was booking modeling jobs, but Gabrielle points out that unlike New York, she’s modeling boat shows now. Carlos jokes that he’d buy two boats from Gabrielle, but Gabrielle isn’t in the mood to joke now. She toasts Carlos reluctantly and swigs down the rest of her drink as the telephone rings. Yeah, it’s Bree.

And now we go over to the house of the dearly departed Mrs. Huber, as the detective advises Mrs. Huber’s sister to turn over anything that would help solve the case of Martha’s murder, like a datebook or something similar. Felicia (I might as well start calling her by her name) thinks that Mrs. Huber did keep a diary, and she’ll keep an eye out for it. On the detective’s way out, people are gathered around the yard of Mrs. Huber’s house. Felicia points out that they seem to be there to show their support, but all they are are vultures who want the sordid details. So Felicia decides to give them what they want and as the detective walks away, Felicia gathers everybody around, thanking them all for coming to see her. Felicia explains to the crowd that the police are still gathering together everything about the case, but what they do know is that Martha died a violent death. This gets the crowd reacting as Felicia is hearing exactly what she was expecting to here. She goes on, telling that there was a struggle, finding scracthing and bruising on her body, several broken bones, and traces of dirt in her lungs. This means that she was still alive at the time that she was buried and likely in great pain. Good news is, however, that there are no signs that she had been molested. This is the good news. Felicia then dismisses the people, telling them to go back to their loved ones. She then shares one more tidbit, that in lieu of having a memorial service, she’ll be holding an estate sale the day after tomorrow. “Please — no personal checks.” Man, Felicia is one weird character.

And now, a word from our sponsors…this whole opening section was just a way of having all of us remmeber what all the Housewives were doing at the time that they learned of Mrs. Huber’s demise. I personally think that it would’ve been better if each Housewife after Edie had heard their phone ring and then we cut to the next one instead of going through the dumb parts of watching each woman react to the news. Seemed kinda pointless, but whatever.

By the next morning, everyone on Wisteria Lane now had knowledge of the demise of Martha Huber. And there are no exceptions to the “everyone”, as even the Scavo kids know about it and are drawing pictures of dead ladies to compare and see who has the best dead lady. Lynette doesn’t see that this is going on–either that or she doesn’t care–but instead offers up gum to the kids to keep them silent while Lynette plays cards downstairs. The kids agree…

…as downstairs, the wives minus Lynette are already talking about Mrs. Huber. Bree can’t believe the odds of Mary Alice dying and now Mrs. Huber. Gabrielle thinks that there’s a difference between Mary Alice and Martha, however, in that Martha was actually someone who was murdered on Wisteria Lane. Lynette explains that she had talked to Mrs. Huber just before her death…actually, it was more of Mrs. Huber yelling at Lynette to bring her trash cans in. The housewives share a nervous laugh over that as Gabrielle admits that she’s going to miss her. And there’s the door bell, as Lynette goes to answer it. And it’s Edie, which gets the attention of all of the other Housewives as Lynette invites her in. Edie is surprised to see everyone here, but Lynette explains that every Tuesday is Poker Day. This is surely a cosmic coincidence since Edie loves poker, but none of the other Housewives are exactly jumping to invite Edie to the table. So Edie just shares her news: Since Felicia has decided not to do anything in memorial of Martha, Edie has taken it upon herself to take Martha’s ashes up to Torch Lake and scatter them herself. It’s where Mr. Huber proposed. Lynette finds that sweet, and Edie agrees that it is, so the reason that she is there is because she thought some of the other women would like to caravan up there for the ceremony. Edie explains that she already has maps written up for anyone who needs them, but the Housewives still look uneasy with Edie even being there. Gabrielle would love to go, but she has a modeling gig that she can’t miss out on. Lynette wishes she had known earlier or she would’ve arranged a sitter. Bree has to take Rex to his angiogram…and so all eyes are turned to Susan as Edie asks her what her excuse is. Susan just says that she has “busy stuff”, and Edie points out that her friends are much better liars than Susan is. So Edie snatches the flyer away from Bree and storms out of the house.

Fast forward now as all of Lynette’s friends are gone so now it’s time to spend time with the children. And the worst case scenario has happened…one of the brothers has allowed the others to put bubble gum in his hair. And they’re all smiles about it until Lynette has to cut the bubble gum out. Lynette explains that she’s just cranky, much like how her sons get when they haven’t gotten a nap. Lynette wants to have time to do what she wants to do and still make time to be the best mother that she can be, but it just doesn’t seem to be working. Her son thinks that Lynette is the best mommy in the world, but Lynette finds that sweet yet untrue as she grabs electric clippers out of the bathroom cabinet and turns them on, with her son looking down, defeated and still with plenty of gum in his hair that needs to get out.

Cut to George and Bree as Bree is excited to hear that George was receptive to his idea of having a picnic for their lunch. Bree thought of it as an old-fashioned way to spend time together, and George is happy to say that he’s an old-fashioned type of guy. Bree notes how lucky they got with the weather being as nice as it was (how many times has the weather been terrible there), but she is cut off from her train of thought by noticing George placing his hand over hers on Bree’s lap. Bree notices this and then tries to cut it off by mentioning that George’s lunch hour with the pharmacy is almost over. But before Bree can end things too quickly, George brings out another gift, one that didn’t cost him a dime. As it turns out, Bree is very surprised by this gift, pulling it out and revealing it to be a nine millimeter Luger PO8, which Bree can recite right off the top of her head. Turns out that from the moment that George knew that Bree was in the NRA, she had to get this gift from him. It belonged to his grandfather, who got it when a soldier surrendered during World War II. And since George didn’t know how to shoot it…Bree admires the gun further, expressing her love for the gift as she points the gun out in front of her chest, seeing how it aims as George once again places his hand on Bree’s lap, and this time Bree lowers her hand to join it in acceptance.

Now we move on back to Wisteria Lane as night has fallen and Susan walks up to the Huber household. She talks to Felicia, offering help in setting up for the estate sale tomorrow. Felicia is still very cold and icy, rejecting her offer with a “no”. Susan doesn’t give up, however, as she apologizes for Felicia’s loss, and thinks that Felicia must feel helpless not knowing who did it or why. Felicia admits that she feels a bit helpless, but hopes that Martha’s journals provide some insight into her life. Susan is surprised to hear that she had journals, and then wonders if Martha wrote in them alot, to which Felicia confirms that, indeed, she did write down every mundane detail of her life. But not only that, the details of others lives as well! This gets Susan attention, as she remembers the blackmailing that she went through with Mrs. Huber shortly following Susan burning Edie’s house down. The police want the diaries, but Felicia wants to make sure that she reads through them first so that no embarrassing family secrets get out. Felicia smiles and Susan feigns one…

…and we quickly cut to the Mayer household, where Susan admits that she is screwed. Julie wants her mother to calm down, but Susan knows that everything about the fire at Edie’s house and the measuring cup that was found is going to be in Martha’s journal. For some reason, after saying this, Susan gets so heated up about the situation that she feels the need to remove one layer of her clothing. Just a note. Julie doesn’t miss a beat, saying that it may not be as bad as it looks. She doesn’t think that Martha didn’t write it in her journal, but she does think that Susan should convince Edie that it was an accident. Should Edie not press charges, the police will just let it go. Susan wonders if Julie is high, since Edie hates Susan. Which is true, so Susan will have to do everything in her power to force herself into the tough job of sucking up to Edie Britt. Susan shudders just thinking about it.

Moving along to the Delfino household now, as Mike arrives home and notices his front door slightly ajar. Mike barges in and quickly runs to the kitchen cabinets, but they are open and void of any maps, guns, or anything of the sort that Mike used to hide in there. Mike quickly moves on to the answering machine, listening to his messages as the “man who hates children” from an earlier episode–the one seen in the previously for this episode–has left a message stating that, as Mike probably already knows by now, he has taken all the money and what little information the Creepy Plumber was able to dig up on his neighbors. After all, Mike’s replacement is going to need it. The man suggests that Mike pack up and move on with his life, and then apologizes for the mess as the message ends and Mike sweeps papers off his desk angrily, creating more of a mess. But that’s just being technical about things.

And now, a word from our sponsors…the George and Bree stuff is pretty boring, the stuff with Susan and Martha’s journal is pretty interesting and nice continuity, but Mike getting replaced is just plain awesome. Combined with the fact that police will soon find evidence of Martha Huber in his garage, and poor Mike is definitely looking to get written right out of this script.

Back to the yoga center, as Lynette arrives with baby and bald son in tow. Lynette announces that she’s ten minutes early and looks for the signup sheet, but Lauren breaks the bad news by saying that she just missed the rush. Lynette is full of disappointment again knowing that she planned ahead and still missed out, as her son takes off the ball cap covering his bald head and coughs. Lauren notices this and tells Lynette that she had no idea just how sick her son was. Lynette doesn’t quite get it, until Lauren mentions how he’s so young, too, and then Lynette realizes that Lauren thinks that her son has cancer, and Lynette laughs it off and prepares to tell the truth, but she’s cut off by Lauren who tells her to go to class: She’ll find room for her children. Lynette ponders about what just happened…

And we move along to the site of the future brothel–err, home of Edie Britt, as Susan arrives with a cheerful greeting of Edie. Edie doesn’t seem too cheerful in response to Susan however, but greets her just the same. Susan envies Edie, and that gets Edie’s attention as she wonders why in the name of God she would do that. Susan notes that Edie now gets to build her dream house for free, but Edie doesn’t seem so enthusiastic about it, since nothing can replace the memories, the photographs–and then Edie wonders if there’s something that Susan could possibly want. Susan seems ready to cut to the chase now, but she stammers over what she is about to say and when Edie fires out for Susan to hurry up and spit it out already, Susan backpedals and lies, saying that she just wanted to see how she was holding up. Edie mentions again how nobody is willing to spread Mrs. Huber’s ashes after suffering such a tragic death…and Susan ponders for a moment before going off the cuff and jumping at the opportunity to get on Edie’s good side and help spread the ashes of Mrs. Huber at Torch Lake. She seems to regret that decision soon after saying it, but she did say it.

Back at the Solis house, Gabrielle walks through the front door toting a bucket of chicken, still in modeling mode as she shows it off. Carlos notices Gabrielle’s arrival with the chicken and is grateful since he is starving, but Gabrielle plops the chicken bucket down in Carlos’ lap and says that she is way too tired to eat. Gabrielle begins to walk off but Carlos reels her back in, apologizing for being so focused on the fried chicken and guiding Gabrielle down to sit with him on the couch. Carlos asks if Gabrielle if she had a chance to go visit Mama at the hospital, but Gabrielle complains that she worked 10 hours today and didn’t have time. She says she’ll go see Mama Solis tomorrow, but it’s not like she even notices it when she does visit. Carlos is confident that she will wake up someday, and she knows what would really make her happy–but Gabrielle cuts Carlos off before he can even begin to talk about having a child. She notes that when the relationship started, the deal was that there would be no babies, but Carlos makes a counterpoint that things change. Gabrielle is well aware of that, since the FBI towed away her car, her husband has turned into a felon, and now she spends her days getting groped by fat tractor salesman at trade shows. Carlos thinks that a baby is a constant, something that will always stick, but Gabrielle wonders who will be changing the diapers when Carlos is off pumping iron in a federal prison. Gabrielle happens to enjoy her lifestyle, and she doesn’t want to kill that lifestyle. Carlos counters again by saying that everything around her is already dead, there’s nothing she can really control anymore. But Gabrielle makes the best point of all by saying that she can control her own body and the decision to have a baby. She can also control Carlos. Carlos gets offended because he’s the man of the house, but Gabrielle scoffs at that and then tests that theory as she grabs Carlos’ chicken and walks away. Sure enough, Gabrielle walks all the way outside and sits at the other end of the street as Carlos can only follow her out so far before an alarm sounds. Gabrielle loudly enjoys the chicken on the other side of the street as Carlos complains how he waited all day for that chicken. Gabrielle then makes the obvious irony of Carlos being the man of the house when he can’t even leave it. Gabrielle continues to flaunt the food in front of Carlos as Carlos finally gets angry and begins to storm back into the house.

George and Bree are out in the middle of nowhere, as George is excited at the idea of finally being able to shoot something. Bree mentions that this memory will be with George forever, since you always remember your first time. She continues to line up bottles along a fence at the farm as George mentions that he’s been so happy these past few days since he thinks he’s finally forgotten what it’s like to be lonely. Bree is happy for George, and then announces that it’s time to go shoot something. Bree goes over the basics of being ready to shoot a handgun for George, and then George gets his turn to shoot the gun. He prepares everything, but he can’t keep his mind off Bree, smelling her “perfume” which is actually macaroons and smiling broadly as Bree prepares George for his first shot of a gun. But George gets too infatuated with Bree and tries to kiss Bree, turning his head away from the gun as his hands lower for some reason and he pulls the trigger, shooting himself in the foot. Wow. Whattadumbass.

And now, a word from our sponsors…nothing of real note in this past segment, except it’s hard to say what will happen now that Gabrielle is taunting Carlos with chicken. Not sure how this is going to be resolved. The George/Bree stuff and Susan/Edie storyline are both equally ridiculous, except that I’ve got a feeling that ashes aren’t going to be the only thing spread in Torch Lake when Susan finally breaks the news that she was the one who burned Edie’s house down. Susan still hasn’t REALLY made an ass out of herself yet, so I fully expect her to get thrown into the lake by a very angry Edie.

Over to the hospital now as Bree brings flowers for George, who actually lost his middle toe from the gunshot wound. Thankfully it was a middle toe, so it won’t change George’s life one bit since his balance won’t be affected. George is very docile, however, before he finally says that he wished before he died that he would be able to kiss a truly beautiful woman. “I finally get the chance, and I end up blowing off a toe.” George puts pity on himself, saying that he’s not surprised and that this sort of thing happens to him all the time and…he’ll get over it. But the thing that he won’t get over, is that when George did try to kiss Bree…Bree pulled away. Bree explains that she was caught off-guard, but since they were dating George figured that it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Bree continues to backpedal by saying that she was still married to Rex and they weren’t legally separated yet. George explains that he knows that Rex cheated on her, and that Bree had said that she was going to hate Rex for the rest of his life. But Bree than says that you shouldn’t listen to a woman who’s just had her heart broken, since they tend to lie. And with that George looks very ticked off as Bree just walks out of the hospital room. The man blew off his toe for NOTHING. I want to see George get revenge.

Lynette arrives to the class 20 minutes early this time, and all of the yoga moms are gathered around in the front hallway. Dead Woman Narrating notes that Lynette thought serious illness was not a matter to be taken lightly, but getting to her yoga class was a matter of life and death. So Lynette removes the hat from her son once again as she carries him and the baby up to the front desk to meet up with Lauren again. Lynette greets Lauren and then mentions that they had another rough morning, but Lauren’s arms are wide open to let Lynette and her kids into the yoga class.

And now Susan is changing a flat tire for Edie’s car as Edie makes an analogy comparing high school life to life now on Wisteria Lane. She used to hang out with the freaks in high school, while Susan was the perky cheerleader who was always with the cool kids, and now things are the same way as Susan still doesn’t invite Edie to any of the “cool” parties. Edie knows that Susan wants something since she went on this trip with Edie, paid for the gas, and is now changing a flat that doesn’t need to be changed since Susan knows that Edie has Auto Club. So Edie wants to know what Susan wants, because just like in high school, the cool kids only talked to the freaks when they wanted something. Susan tries to blow it off as just wanting to help after Mrs. Huber’s tragic death, but Susan wants the truth. So Susan lies again and says that she just wanted to make amends for being so cruel to Edie in the past. Edie knows that Susan is still full of crap, but there’s no time to debate it. As they get back in her car, Susan mentions that she would’ve talked to Edie in high school, but Edie dismisses that as the worst lie that Susan has told of all.

As both of their doors slam, Mike’s car door slams as well as he walks up the front porch of a very nice house that isn’t anywhere near Wisteria Lane. He goes around to the other side of the porch as he meets up with the mysterious man, his boss. The boss invites him to have a drink and take a seat, but Mike cuts through the crap and says that he wants it all back, the maps, the pictures, the gun, and the money. The boss’ money. Mike points out that he will never find someone who is as dedicated to finding Deirdre as the Creepy Plumber. But the boss notes that Mike abandoned her, saved himself and found a nice wife while he left Deirdre to rot. So he questions Mike’s level of commitment. Mike gets frustrated and pins the boss against the wall, saying that he needs to finish this. But the boss notes that he’s not moving fast enough, and he’s running out of time. Turns out the boss man has as tumor pressing on his brain. He’d like to know what’s happened to her daughter before he inevitably dies. Talk about serious illness.

And now, a word from our sponsors…once again, Mike’s storyline remains more interesting than ever, but Bree/George is also interesting since I’m waiting for George to just go insane because he basically just shot his toe off for a woman who is going to go right back to the man who cheated on her and made her life miserable. They can’t just let George go away.

We return at the day care center, as Lynette thanks Lauren for letting her into one of the best yoga classes ever. But before Lynette can head off, Lauren introduces her to her friend Callie, who happens to be a survivor of breast cancer from six years ago. Callie wants to hug Parker for his courage, and Lynette is very reluctant and scared as she finally agrees to it. Callie gives a speech to Parker about how she’s going to make it, and then Parker turns to Lynette and asks if he’s going to die. Everything freezes for a moment as Lynette is forced to come up with a response, and then decides to spill the beans. She says that of course Parker isn’t going to die, they’re just thinking that because his head was shaved. This surprises Callie as Parker then admits to the whole bubble gum thing. And with that, Lynette just takes off, realizing now that the road to enlightenment and spiritual well-being was now closed to her, as the door to the yoga club closes right behind her. Well, at least that does it for that lame storyline.

At the Van De Kamp household, George surprises Bree as he’s already out of the hospital and on crutches. George has been doing some thinking with his nine toes and has come to the conclusion that whether it’s dating or just hanging out, George doesn’t care because he just wants to be with Bree. But Bree doesn’t think that would be wise, and then asks if George was expecting Bree to feel the same way about him as he does about her? George was thinking that, but Bree dismisses him with an “Oh, George”. George goes on the defensive, wishing that she wouldn’t say that that way, like George would be so dumb to assume that Bree could love him someday. But Bree just admits that she can’t, and George gets all teary-eyed, storming off as he limps away on crutches. Bree follows closely behind and George just can’t make it down the two stairs to the sidewalk on his crutches, falling down. Bree wants to help George get back to his feet but he gets defensive again, yelling that he doesn’t need Bree or anybody else for that matter and then calmly limping back to his car on his crutches. Awesome scene until we had to get dark humor involved with George falling down the steps. That was silly and unneeded, since George getting very upset was what this storyline needed, but embarrassing George was the wrong way of going about things.

Over to the Solis house, as Gabrielle mentions that they’ll be able to spend some time together tonight since tonight is the last night of the boat show. Carlos is depressed, however, since he knows that he’s going to jail and that Gabrielle won’t be there for him when he gets back. Gabrielle wants him to stop with that talk, however, since she’s confident that they’ll sort this mess out and he’ll be back on top again. Carlos mentions that he could be found guilty on every charge, which would result in a five-year prison sentence. All he wants to know is that if Carlos gets out after those five years, will Gabrielle promise not to leave? Gabrielle is kinda stunned by the question, but then laughs it off in an “of course” manner and gives Carlos a kiss by promising not to leave. And off Gabrielle goes, but Carlos isn’t so sure that she was so sincere.

Now we’re at Torch Lake, as Susan is rowing the boat while Edie holds the ashes of the dearly departed Mrs. Huber. They pull out to the middle of the lake, and Edie takes a few moments, which is too long for Susan as she wonders what Edie is waiting for. Edie just needs a moment, so Susan backpedals, still wanting to remain on her good side. Edie begins sobbing as Susan gets uncomfortable and asks Edie if she’s okay. Edie says that she’s grateful, and Susan backs that up by saying that Mrs. Huber was a good friend. But Edie isn’t talking about Martha, she’s grateful for Susan. She’s been such a bitch to Susan over the years, and here she is, rowing Edie out to dump Martha’s ashes. Susan doesn’t think it’s a big deal, but Edie does since Susan was nice enough to go out there with her when nobody else would, and Edie is just assuming that Susan has an ulterior motive. Susan notices that she’s being caught, and then Edie says that Susan is such a good person but she’s such a bitch and then continues to sob. Susan says that Edie’s not that bad and Susan isn’t that good, but Edie believes that Susan really is a good person, which gets Susan to beg Edie not to do this. Edie is also grateful that the good lord above has shown Edie that she is not alone. She is so happy to have a true friend, and they hold hands…as Susan admits that she burnt Edie’s house down. She explains that she was scared that Edie was sleeping with Mike so she snuck into Edie’s house, accidentally knocked a candle over and the rest is history. Susan asks for forgiveness…and Edie…seriously now…throws Martha’s ashes in Susan’s face. Seriously. Edie demands Susan to row her back, and Susan spits out a piece of Mrs. Huber out of her mouth.

And now, a word from our sponsors…home stretch, and there’s your “You can’t spell ‘ass’ without ‘Susan'” moment of the week.

Back with Mike and his boss as Mike apologizes for shoving him around earlier. The boss laughs it off, saying that he’s not going to break, and the boss is sorry too, for questioning his commitment and his guts. Mike says that he was, since Mike always carries a picture of Dierdre with him at all times to remind himself of why he’s here. The boss wants to have anyone who hurt his daughter dead, but Mike wants to be sure before they do anything. In the end, the boss wants Mike to be the man to do it. “After all, you’ve already killed for her once.” Ughughugh the plot thickens, baby. It’s no coincidence that this is the most interesting plot, too.

Over to the Solis’, as Gabrielle comes down the stairs, surprised to find Carlos vacuuming the floor. And as Gabrielle heads out, Carlos grabs the phone and calls the pharmacy, saying that Gabrielle asked Carlos to call about a lost prescription. What? Turns out that Carlos wants the birth-control pills. Two months worth. Delivered. Wow.

Edie pulls up to the Mayer household as Susan begs Edie to talk to her, to say something. She wants Edie to know that she is so racked with guilt over the whole thing that she can not suffer worse than she is now, even if Edie was to go to the police, kick her or burn Susan’s house down. Edie wants to put that theory to the test, but Susan just wants Edie to know that she’s sorry over anything else. As Susan walks away, Edie announces that she’s not going to the police, since it’ll just delay the check for the new house anyway. Susan is grateful, but Edie wants something in return–she wants to be invited to the poker games with the other Housewives. Susan accepts, telling her that Edie can come every Tuesday if she’d like. “Well, I guess I should go take a shower and wash Mrs. Huber off me.” But Edie doesn’t want Mrs. Huber going down a sewer drain. She thinks that it would be better to have her in the front yard. So she could keep an eye on the neighborhood and look right at her old house. Oh, I guess the “make an ‘ass’ out of ‘Susan’ moment” hasn’t come yet. Susan doesn’t want to be hosed off in her front yard, but Edie points out that she owes Edie. So Susan takes one for the home team and gets sprayed down.

At Mrs. Huber’s house, Felicia investigates the missing poster as the Dead Woman Narrating launches into her ending spiel. She begins with a pretty good quote: “Death is inevitable. It is a promise made to us at birth.” Before that promise is kept, however, we all hope that something will happen to us as Felicia crumples the missing poster and throws it in the trash. Whether it’s the thrill of romance with Gabrielle and Carlos…the joy of raising a family as Lynette tries to do yoga with her kids running around like banshees…or the anguish of great loss as Mike looks at his picture…we all hope to experience something that will make our lives meaningful…as we get a look at the dying boss. But the sad fact is not all lives have meaning. Some spend their time on this planet just sitting on the sidelines, waiting for something to happen to them…before it’s too late…as George watches security video of Bree just standing at the counter, while eating at home. Creepy.

End show!

So. Dierdre, eh? I wonder which Housewife will turn out to be connected to her. Paul Young would be another interesting choice, since Paul might have an idea that Mike is on to his trail. But I doubt it. It’s just hard to say without knowing more about Dierdre. But it’s an interesting storyline in Desperate Housewives…for once.

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