Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Burger King Bacon Cheddar Ranch Angus Steak Burger. It’s one of the best things you’ll ever eat. Seriously. It’s a little on the pricey side, but it beats the hell out of Arby’s.
This week is just about completely devoid of pertinent music news. This was your warning. I was also tempted to resurrect the 50 Cent jokes, but I decided not to, for the greater good…
Madonna is a f*cking choad.
-My friend Shane, 1/22/05
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
That_Bootleg_Guy puked all over the place at some restaurant called El Pollo Loco, which I would probably do too if I realized that the place I was eating at sold both pinto beans and potato salad. On the other hand, I’m very interested to find out what the difference is between guacamole and “avocado salsa.”
Mathan thinks that Jadakiss is better than 50 Cent, while his coworkers argue that 50 Cent sold more records and could probably eat an entire plate of ravioli quicker than Jadakiss could. I could eat an entire jar of black olives quicker than both of them could; therefore I am a better emcee. Tell your coworkers, Mathan.
D’Estroyer brings up Kilgore, Pist-On, and Life Is Peachy… reminding me of my days of working at a record store in the late 90s. Unfortunately, I was also inadvertently reminded of “the worst album ever recorded” in the process.
Grut was all pissed off because Gloomchen didn’t win the MANDATE. Lance Storm was fired as a result. Gloom still ended up getting about 40 or so more votes than me, though, so that should count for something. However, I’ve already admitted that I should have focused my campaign more so on the Southern states, and shouldn’t have gotten rid of the Late Night Jukebox so soon after nixing the 50 Cent jokes. That’s what really killed me… that and I don’t look like Ken Griffey Jr. with a case of gigantism.
Michael Chadwick could have won the MANDATE, had he started a tad bit earlier. This guy does some good work, folks. Read his column and then eat a healthy salad. Your body will thank you.
Speaking of columns that are beneficial to your health, Gordi Whitelaw always delivers some therapeutic goodness.
Holy shit! He’s NOT DEAD!
NEWS TO USE
Fuel lead singer Brett Scallions caught some heat from the Federal Communications Commission after using some inappropriate language at a Washington youth concert, America’s Future Rocks Today, an event which was headlined by Hilary Duff and coincided with the festivities for the presidential inauguration. The band was ready to perform its set when Scallions shouted, “Welcome to the greatest f*cking country in the world!” After realizing that the majority of the people in attendance at the DC Armory event were preteens and their parents, he apologized, “Excuse my language.” He then exposed his right breast and the band performed a cover of that song on Korn’s Life Is Peachy with all the swear words in it.
The Beastie Boys will be featured in EA Sports’ upcoming NBA Street V3, as a three-man team that will be playable, representing the Knicks. Also confirmed for the game are P-Funk, Warren Moon, Bill Clinton, Chow-Chow, Kabuki, Magic Hair, Carol Blazekowski, Sal DiVita, Heavy D, and the gorilla that is the mascot for the Phoenix Suns.
Sharon Osbourne has commissioned several musicians to record a charity single to help raise money for victims of last month’s tsunami. It will be a cover of Eric Clapton’s “Tears in Heaven,” and will feature Elton John, Rod Stewart, Pink, Ozzy and Kelly Osbourne, Phil Collins, Gwen Stefani, Josh Groban, Andrea Bocelli, Robert Downey Jr., and Steven Tyler. Even though it’s for a good cause, it will be awful, but that’s an unwritten law when it comes to charity singles, so it’s okay. Although he’s no longer on the InsidePulse payroll, The Saturday Swindle Sheet sent out our ace reporter Elliot Smilowitz to interview Sharon about the single.
Elliot: The song will suck.
Sharon Osbourne: What?
Elliot: You heard me.
Quick Bits
Rapper/producer The RZA will be releasing a book next month, called The Wu-Tang Manual, which will delve into history of the group, as well as be chock full of factoids and exclusive photos.
The Recording Academy has announced that U2, Green Day, Tim McGraw, and Alicia Keys have all agreed to perform at next month’s Grammy Awards, respectively.
Queens of the Stone Age have announced a spring tour, starting March 15th in Austin, Texas, and terminating on April 18th in Los Angeles.
FROM THE LABELS
The Chemical Brothers, Push the Button
Push the Button is finally released this Tuesday, January 25th! Click HERE for local record release parties and midnight sales events in your area and help us celebrate the brand new masterpiece from Tom and Ed. At these events, you will have plenty of chances to win special Chems prizes, like limited edition ‘Push The Button’ iSkins and Chemical Brothers buttons, posters and stickers. If you live in the NYC area, come join us at Don Hills on Sat, Jan 29th where Tim Burgess (Charlatans UK and Chems guest vocalist) will DJ throughout the night. Click HERE for details.
ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
http://www.astralwerks.com/intern.html
Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.
iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
The Prodigy, “Spitfire” [f/Juliette Lewis]
The Flying Lizards, “Money”
A:xus, “Baghdad Café (Callin’ U)” [f/Namoi Nsombi]
The Mighty Blue Kings, “I Can’t Stop It”
The Cure, “Lullaby” (Extended Mx)
Everclear, “Santa Monica”
Toadies, “Possum Kingdom”
Alice in Chains, “Man in the Box”
Ol’ Dirty Bastard, “Got Ya Money” [f/Kelis]
Hybrid, “Dreaming Your Dreams” [f/Julee Cruise]
U2, “With or Without You”
Pixies, “Where Is My Mind?”
Journey, “Don’t Stop Believin'”
Fiona Apple, “Shadowboxer”
The Cult, “Little Face”
Stereolab, “Parsec”
Shakkazombie, “I Got Style (No Doubt) 2”
Pearl Jam, “Corduroy”
Kansas, “Dust in the Wind”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
This past week, Madame Tussauds Wax Museum in London began selling small chocolate statuettes of Jennifer Lopez, who is also featured in the museum as a life-size sculpture. Madame Tussauds commissioned chocolate giant Cadbury to manufacture the statuettes, which have a sweet caramel filling exclusively in the ass. Sorry, I had to…
The Most Ridiculous Items of 2004. Coming sooner than later. Bear with me, here.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Gordi Whitelaw on Monday. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and Spider-Man is having me for dinner tonight.
Cheers
-JF2k5!
