Insomnia doth truly sucketh. I woke up at 1AM on Monday morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. So after trying for an hour and a half, I just said, “Fuck it”, put on a pot of coffee, started to download Royal Rumble, and fired up the word processor.
I’ve been so out of it lately that I didn’t even pay attention to either the Australian Open (Marat Safin on the men’s side, Serena on the women’s, in case you forgot about it too) or the Bob Hope (Justin Leonard pulling one out of his ass). I certainly don’t give two shits about the Super Bowl, except for the commercials, of course, and you can get those online these days shortly after the event. As for more local sports, Regular Cabbageboy316 asked me about Kansas being obsessed with basketball as much as his hometown of Louisville. The answer to that is “yes, and more than you could know”. The Topeka newspaper leads its sports section with some form of basketball every day, even during football season. KU, K-State, Washburn, women’s hoops, high school hoops, you name it. If it involves roundball, it’s there. Personally, I don’t give two shits about that either.
So I’m sitting here with my coffee, contemplating the SBC buyout of AT&T. Except for the Nebraska period, when I was with Alltel, I’ve been a customer of SBC (or Ameritech pre-merger with SBC) for local service since the Break-Up, so this is actually producing a little nostalgia for me. I then came to a rather startling conclusion: most of my American audience has never experienced what it was like with only one phone company (and no cell phones, for that matter). They have no memory of the fact that Verizon, Qwest, BellSouth, and SBC were part of this big monolith called AT&T, which was broken up by court order twenty-one years ago, and even then the power of Ma Bell was weakening. I was around to see the first commercials for MCI (before the Break-Up, BTW). You could get someone else to handle your long-distance other than AT&T? How does that work? AT&T owned the phone lines, didn’t they? Hell, they even leased you the phones until they graciously allowed you to buy them during the 70s. But after the Break-Up, all the Baby Bells were formed, competition started, and phone service became chaos (not the first or last time a court order would cause something like that). Ma Bell left our lives, my phone bill slowly morphed from Illinois Bell to Ameritech to SBC, and AT&T was tailored down to a long-distance company, a short-lived computer company, and a research lab (which got spun off into Lucent). But, slowly, the Baby Bells are coming back together again, and one of them is bringing the Mothership (or the Death Star, in this case) back into the fold. And with all the talk of wireless company mergers invariably involving Verizon, maybe Ma Bell will be back with us very soon. In a world of ever-accelerating change and chaos, maybe we need something as solid as Ma Bell to fall back on. Or am I just growing old?
THE PIMP SECTION
Lucard discusses chicken breasts. I don’t want to go there, okay?
Gordi is Zarathustra, he just won’t admit it to anyone. And for the best coverage of Richard Strauss in a neatly-digestible form, check out Barbara Tuchman’s The Proud Tower.
Gauss is waiting for pitchers and catchers to report. But he picks the Sox to win the AL Central, so I love him.
Toner [hearts] Peyton.
Urciuolo get his one and two on board.
Hevia is terrific, as per usual.
THE ANTI-SPYWARE SECTION
Remember, this all started because the slugs at Enigma Software dared to advertise their piece of shit SpyHunter at 411 (one of the reasons why I decided to leave, honestly). So I’m responding every single column with proper anti-spyware information. And guess what? People are actually taking this to heart. They’re asking me for help if they’re infested, or they’re writing me telling me that their browsing experience is less annoying thanks to the stuff I’ve been putting up here three times a week for a few months now.
(And as I understand it, there are some unscrupulous browser toolbar people trying to advertise here at the Pulse. Well, don’t click on that ad, whatever you do. We’ll still get the money from the impressions, and your system will stay safe.)
Big, big Kudos to the guys at the Spyware Warrior Forum for pointing out to everyone the extent of criminal activity participated in by Enigma Software, makers of the bane of advertising on that site, SpyHunter. Slimeballs extraordinare, aren’t they? And in case you need more info about what flaming bags of shit they are, try here. Suzi’s Blog has a great list of other flaming bags of shit that promote anti-spyware programs that are spyware themselves. Consult it if you have questions.
(On a side note, those SpyHunter ads started over at Reality News Online, and BFM, a contributor there, spotted them. He told the webmaster, gave him those links that I cited above, the webmaster read them, the blood drained out of his face, and he contacted his ad provider. No more ads for Enigma products on RNO, thank you. So guess what? If you provide the info, there are sites who will listen.)
Here’s a list of the programs you really need to help you get rid of menaces, and, more importantly, prevent them from occurring in the first place:
Spybot and AdAware. The ONLY two spyware removal tools to trust. Do NOT buy any spyware removal tools, because none of them work better than these two, and all of them except these two are suspect.
SpywareBlaster. Will nuke thousands of different potentially malicious ActiveX controls, and now has the ability to prevent a number of non-ActiveX methods of installing spyware for people who use Mozilla/Firefox.
SpywareGuard. From Javacool, like SpywareBlaster. It’s a real-time scanner for spyware. A decent first line of defense.
IE-SpyAd. Throws numerous ad-related URLs into IE’s Restricted Zone, where they won’t display or affect your system. Bookmark this one, since it’s the only one that doesn’t have an in-program update.
A few people have recommended also installing the Sun Java Virtual Machine, since it’s Windows’ buggy, half-assed implementation of the JVM that allows a lot of spyware to install (less so within the past month and a half than before). I STRONGLY recommend that you visit here and update your version of Java.
Surprisingly, many people have asked me about the Microsoft Anti-Spyware Beta. I downloaded it and tried it, and it shockingly did a great job. Since it’s free, I’ll recommend it here.
So many people have asked about a free anti-virus program that I’m also going to recommend AVG. Totally free, and works really, really well, as well as commercial anti-virus programs. Frequent database updates, good heuristic detection, everything you want in an anti-virus package.
Another program that I’d like to add here is a little tough to work with for noobs if it goes buggy (you need to know a little something about your Networking settings in order to debug if something should go wrong). Protowall is a supplement to your firewall or NAT system. It hooks directly into XP’s networking system to block any and all traffic that comes from URLs on a list maintained by the program (all protocols, not just TCP/UDP). It’s mainly designed for anti-P2P purposes (which will appeal to a great many of my readers), but it contains lists to block spyware and ads. Its blocklist can easily be updated using its supplementary program, Blocklist Manager. I have Protowall running and a Blocklist Manager icon on my desktop, and I use Blocklist Manager to update the blocklist every couple of days. You will have problems getting to some sites unless you shut down Protowall temporarily, like ESPN or Sports Illustrated, but it does have a tray icon you can right-click and shut down in a few seconds. It’s the third layer of anti-ad material for me, with IE-SpyAd and AdSubtract running alongside it. Warning, though: it only works with XP. I’d recommend its predecessor, Peer Guardian, for other MS OSes, but it isn’t being developed anymore, and there were still bugs in it when development stopped. You can get Protowall and the Blocklist Manager (which will also work with Peer Guardian) at Bluetack’s site.
Of course, only download them from the links provided above. And only download those programs; don’t fall for the ads that are shown at various websites.
With AdAware and Spybot, check for updates using their internal update function at least once a week. Run them at least once a week or whenever you think you might have problems. Remember, the new version of Spybot has browser protection capabilities, so have that run at startup and leave it running. Check for updates to SpywareBlaster once a week. It only needs to be run once initially in order to establish protection. Then, after it downloads updates, just click on the line that says “Enable Protection For All Unprotected Items” and kill it. It doesn’t need to be active. For IE-SpyAd, bookmark the site and check for updates twice a week, since it has no kind of internal updater. Since all it does is add Registry entries, it doesn’t eat up anything. Run the Blocklist Manager every couple of days to make sure that you keep up on the latest banned URLs.
If you’re having trouble with spyware or a browser hijacker, or think that you do, head over to the SpywareInfo Forums, where the pros there can help you diagnose and get rid of stuff. I was promoted to Full Helper status there and ended up joining ASAP, the Alliance of Security Analysis Professionals. Look for their symbol.
The Ravin’ Cajun asks me to recommend a good client-side spam filter for MS mail programs running under Windows. Now, this is something I don’t have experience with because my ISPs have always had good spam filtering, plus, I use Thunderbird, which handles the remainder quite nicely, thank you. Some readers wrote in and recommended SpamBayes, which is totally free and supposedly works very well, so I’ll add it on to the anti-annoyance list that we’re building up here.
Now that 1.0 has been released, I feel good in recommending Firefox as an alternative to IE. Go grab a copy and see what you’re missing.
BRAGGING RIGHTS
Well, well, well, guess who got every match at the Royal Rumble correct? Yeppers, little old me. The only thing I got wrong was the Final Four, in which I was the only one with balls enough in the Round Table to venture a guess, but in my favor, I had a Canadian Raw upper-carder and a Mexican in there. Guess my love for Benoit and Eddy blinded me for a second.
Here’s a complete list of people in the Round Table who got every match correct:
Me.
Wids and Gordi were in there until the Rumble match itself, but both of them picked Cena (and every single pick for the Rumble match was either Batista or Cena, so they just guessed wrong). Good choice, of course, since he was one of the last two, but it still doesn’t ring the bell. That leaves the field to me, me, me. And I get WWE PPV picks so wrong on a regular basis that I’m going to crow about this one for a long, long time.
Now, as to the PPV itself…
Edge/Michaels seemed to be oddly booked. It never seemed to get together, right from the start. The match was deadly slow-paced, especially for both these guys, who know how to turn it on, especially at a major PPV. If they’d cut about five minutes off of this match and upped the pace a little (and changed that dumbass ending), it would have been great. But as it was, it was boring as hell.
Edge shows off his dental work
That’ll make your teeth Kliq
Edge attempts to realign Michaels’ chakras
Boy, did I FF through the UT/Heidenreich match. It was for purposes of time, but also to save what remains of my sanity. There’s no way in f*ck I’m going to watch a match in which UT, Kane, Heidenreich, and Snitsky were involved. And that goes for Wrestlemania too. So screw them.
“Kiss me, you fool!”
And they’re going to repea
t this mess at Wrestlemania. Goody for us, huh?
The object lesson of the WWE Championship match was simple: never, ever, allow TBS in a Triple Threat match. For that matter, don’t allow High-Quality Speaker Boy in one either. I actually felt sorry for Kurt Angle having to carry both those loads through something that resembled a match until the schmozz hit. All three matches so far have been booked to be slow as shit for some reason. It’s almost as though they were trying to stretch out the three hours (of course, they did run into time pressure later on thanks to Trip and Orton going over).
750 pounds of crap and a legdrop
750 pounds of crap and a chokeslam
They don’t build tables like they used to
High-Quality Speaker Boy’s reaction to the barbed wire steel cage match, or his normal vacant and clueless expression? You make the call!
I like old-school. I really do. After all, I am old. However, after those three snoozers, the last thing I needed to see was Trip working on Randy Orton’s knee for fifteen minutes. Instead of being a nice nostalgic moment, it felt like plunging your balls into liquid nitrogen. The overselling on Ross’s and Lawler’s parts of the worked concussion was like transitioning from that liquid nitrogen to liquid helium. Of course, I’m writing this before Raw, so I’ll have to see where they go with that bullshit angle. Maybe they’ll turn him into another retard like Dinsmore. Of course, I had a concussion when I was five, and it didn’t impair my innate genius any.
This PPV really could have used another match, preferably a cruiserweight battle royal, just to tighten up the other matches and put some excitement back into the show.
“And don’t call me ‘Dorkboy’ again!”
There’s ring psychology, and then there’s whatever Trip does
The ultimate weapon: the Spanish Announce Table
First of all, let me get to the obvious in re the Rumble Match: f*cking Ross called Charlie Haas “Rene Dupree” four times in the space of three minutes. He also called Batista “Cena” four times in the space of twenty seconds. Get that senile old f*ck out of there, now. Now, as for the rest of it: obviously, I’m tickled pink that Batista won it. But, as I said, those of us in the Round Table all chose Batista or Cena, and they were really the obvious choices going in. However, that doesn’t stop the controversy. Michaels wasn’t legally eliminated, and Scotty Go Potty never made it to the ring, so they’re still in the match, I believe. Hence, Scotty will have to have a one-night appearance on Raw in a Triple Threat to determine the true winner of the Rumble Match. Huzzah. Or they can just forget about it like they have in past years. Decent match, nice pace, not the greatest of Rumbles, but nothing to be ashamed of.
Fuck the other twenty-eight guys and just let these two go at it for an hour
Daniel Puder and a live mic is a deadly combination
Puder gets to know what fresh meat in a maximum security prison is like
And now for the fag-bashing portion of our program
Suzuki beating on Benoit is so wrong on so many levels
Shelton Benjamin goes aerial on Edge
Royal Rumble is Jericho!
So they had to do a real-life version of the promo, huh?
That’s not a circle of friends, Muhammad; you’re being surrounded
How unfair to Hassan. Doesn’t Rey-Rey know that “6”, “1”, and “9” are Arabic numerals?
I would have preferred to see Haas and Benjamin beat the shit out of each other, but them teaming up against Guerrero is the next best thing
Them double-teaming Rene Dupree is pretty cool too
Edge f*cks up my Final Four
And in another paean to the Good Old Days, Michaels eliminates Angle
And a little Good Old Retailiation follows
And a little Good Old Interbrand Match Setup for Wrestlemania is there as well
Your IWC Darling, Paul London
Okay, so he can take a helluva bump, I’ll give him that
Rapper’s Delight
Batista starts his roll with Snitsky
The DAVEBomb on Kane
F-U, Kane
God Himself comes in at #30
The Final Four
And it all comes down to this…
The simultaneous elimination
This is where Vince blew out his knee
Now this finish is a little more clear
A CHANGE AT THE TOP
Milord is digging stuff out of the Hollywood Reporter again. This time, though, it’s important for wrestling audiences. Albie Hecht, the head of Spike TV, resigned his position over the weekend. He was the mastermind behind the whole “network for men” thing that went over like a lead balloon. Well, thanks to the success of syndicated CSI reruns, Spike’s demographic is starting to change. According to the article, the replacement could be Comedy Central head honcho Doug Herzog, which would be an interesting shift. The focus, supposedly, will be on hour-long dramas instead of testosterone-appealing lowbrow comedy.
Okay, now we’ve heard all about the alleged cancellation rumors regarding Smackdown, which are definitely not true given SD’s ratings, despite the fact that UPN is going to try yet another program reorganization. If SD was cancelled, said many fragments of the IWC, it would simply be moved to Spike. But even if the cancellation did happen, the chances of moving to Spike are virtually nil now that Hecht is out.
So what does this do in re WWE’s current contract? Well, that lasts until September, but the hardball negotiations are going on now for renewal. We’ve all heard the litany on who Vince is supposedly negotiating with, so I won’t bother repeating it. But now the danger to WWE from Viacom isn’t coming from UPN. It’s coming from Spike. If Herzog or whomever is put into place and decides on a house-cleaning built around CSI and Star Trek reruns, then Raw and Heat could be cancelled. Viacom would settle with Vince, and he can take his product elsewhere (this would also mean the elimination of SD on UPN, of course). Vince has enough interested suitors that the transition would be seamless, so programming really wouldn’t be affected except for the fact that it would be on a different station.
However, this could prove to be an interesting shift for other programming on UPN. Enterprise has been essentially cancelled (Les Moonves isn’t giving out very promising statements on that program’s future). The TNG and DS9 reruns on Spike are doing quite well. Voyager is already slotted for Spike when its syndication contract runs out (next year, I believe). The folks at Paramount want to keep doing Enterprise. Trek is going to hit its 40th anniversary in 2006, and Paramount would love to have original Trek programming broadcast during that time frame. Spike supposedly wants original one-hour dramas. Do I sense a good fit here? UPN gets rid of its red-headed stepchild, Spike gains an original one-hour drama with one of the most potent franchise names in TV history behind it that fits into any reorganization plan…it’s a win-win for Viacom.
We’ve got to stay tuned for developments on this.
And speaking of staying tuned, since there ain’t shit else in news to discuss, let’s turn to Raw, where there was obviously some fallout from the Rumble…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Shelton Benjamin over Simon Dean, Not Sure If It Was A Title Match (God knows, I was busy trying to finish up the Rumble): Well, since I didn’t catch it, I can’t say much about it, other than I’m a little ticked off that they’re putting Benjy into curtain-jerking comedy matches.
Maven over Novocaine Helms (Pinfall, backbuster): Gee, my Apathy Meter does go to 11. I wasn’t sure it would. And what the hell is Raw doing trying to present a cruiserweight match? Doesn’t that blow Smackdown’s “you can only see the cruiserweights here” thing?
Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho versus Rob Conway and Sylvain Grenier, Tag Title Match (Double DQ): Bullshit ending, but it nicely set up the submission match next week. That’s pretty much all it was meant to go anyway.
Mohammed Hassan over Sergeant Slaughter (Submission, camel clutch): I think the less we say about this little spectacle, the better, don’t you?
Shawn Michaels and Randy Orton over Trip ‘n Ric (Pinfall, Orton pins Trip, Edge-rference): Instead of a titanic confrontation, we get a bleh match that was unmemorable, and then slid deeply into angle advancement territory with the Edge run-in. So sad. So much potential wasted.
Kane over Gene Snitsky, Steel Cage Match (Pinfall, chokelsam): Just about what you’d expect from Kane and Snitsky inside a steel cage. So there’s no real egregious sin here.
Angle Developments:
So What Exactly Is The Set-Up?: Okay, we got the whole High-Quality Speaker Boy on tape thing. This is obviously a blind by Trip to get Batista out of his way, especially since he oh, so drastically insists that it’s he and DAVE at WM for all the marbles. What I’m pissed off about is that I seriously want this angle to happen, and have said so the past few weeks. It makes sense from an Evolution standpoint: Batista has his choice of opponents, after all, and if he beats High-Quality Speaker Boy and Trip goes through his opponent like shit through a goose like he normally does, then Evo has both the world titles. It also avoids a breakup of Evo that they’re going to foul up anyway. So why not move Batista to Smackdown? It won’t weaken Raw; they can always get Cena or Booker back in the draft to fill in the upper-card face slot. So listen to me for once, “creative”.
And you should listen to me too, especially when I tell you that I’ll be back tomorrow, in a column without screen caps. That takes place later this week. Until then, sweet dreams.
