This should be fun for all of you: I’m sick, sleepy, and I just quit smoking. In other words, I’m really irritable. Maybe you will benefit from this and I will be spectacular this week. Maybe you won’t benefit and you’ll wonder why you even bothered to read. Either way my hit count soars, so I could care less. I just need a nice Marlboro right now. On with the show…
Raw 01.31.05
– Triple H introduces Batista, and tells Big Dave that it will be an honor to face him at Wrestlemania. Before Batista can get a word out, we get JBL on the TitanTron. JBL says that he is a wrestling God and would take out Batista should he jump to Smackdown. Triple H retorts JBL and says that if Batista wanted JBL’s title, he would do it like mad quick son. (Not exactly his words, but I’m from the Bronx, what do you want?)
– Shelton Benjamin def. Simon Dean to retain the IC Title.
– Triple H lets GM Eric know he isn’t happy about that tape playing.
– Edge interrupts future Playboy Playmate Christy and gets all bitchy with her. HBK interrupts and they have a nice little chat with a handshake that winds up with a super kick.
– Maven def. The Hurricane
– Snitsky gets all horny with two Diva Search girls (Too many, I don’t know names). Apparently he likes their shoes.
– Holla Holla playa! Teddy Long shows up and tells Bischoff he has made a big offer for Batista to jump to Smackdown.
– Stacy wants Randy Orton to be careful.
– Jericho & Benoit vs. La Resistance is ruled a No Contest
– Muhammed Hassan def. Sgt. Slaughter
– Jericho and Benoit have a somewhat romantic moment backstage, as they go nose to nose.
– Randy Orton & Shawn Michaels def. Triple H & Ric Flair
– Kane def. Gene Snitsky in a Steel Cage Match
The Raw Membrane
Legally
– Whoever played the tape was guilty of tampering and hijacking of airtime.
– Edge is guilty of being an uppity bitch with a future Playmate.
– Gene Snitsky is guilty of harassment, among other odd things.
– Teddy Long is guilty of being backstage without a pass and too much Holla-r-ing.
– La Resistance is guilty of not being able to keep up with Jericho and Benoit, thus ruining what could have been a fun match.
– Muhammed Hassan is guilty of being Arab in America while Sgt. Slaughter is guilty of never grooming an understudy.
– Randy Orton is guilty of faking concussions to get Stacy Keibler in bed.
– Gene Snitsky is guilty of destroying property for ripping the door off of the hinges.
– Kane is guilty of scrotal assault for crotching Snitsky on the door.
Personally
– Although you could tell, I liked how they played the tape to build up some suspension as to what Batista will choose. It’s hard to tell when he will turn on Triple H.
– Ok, joke is over. Just make him Nova and put him with The Hurricane as a tag team. No more of this Simon Dean crap. Even if you hit Simon Dean over the head with a chair to make him Nova, just do it.
– Other than me, anybody think Edge needs a character change? Maybe a brand change?
– Maven needs to learn more cool moves. He’s a “blue chipper”.
– Good thing about Snitsky: If they ever decide to do a rape angle, they have their guy!
– Teddy Long is really entertaining. He brings a level of brightness to the GM position that nobody has really had.
– Whoa whoa whoa…hopefully Eric will touch on this tomorrow, but what is this crap with Stacy and Orton? No way, says I. Stacy, I have a message for you: Randy Orton brings nothing to the table that a lonely net writer doesn’t bring. It may hurt but you have to understand this and accept it before you get hurt. Orton, I have a message for you too: You make faking a concussion look easy. Think about how well you can make stab wound from Eric and a wet willy from me look. Keep it up bitch, keep it up.
– That Jericho/Benoit against La Resistance went to hell pretty fast.
– Sgt. Slaughter looked as if he has been on the Simon System.
– Coming from someone who has had a concussion from being thrown off of a car (14 year old alcoholism…YES!), Orton does play it up well.
– Is it over? Is the Kane/Snitsky angle over? I’ll take a maybe at this point. Just don’t say no.
Smackdown 02.03.05
Before I start, I just want to say that Raven West’s teaser of “He lies, he cheats, he’s black” was the funniest thing I have seen in quite sometime.
– Cena is talking, but Teddy Long cuts him off and makes an 8-Man Tournament for the number one contender spot. JBL interrupts and wants the tournament to be called off. That doesn’t work and he gets an F-U for his troubles.
– Kurt Angle def. Nunzio
– Kurt Angle asks Jindrak to soften up Mysterio for his match next week. Kurt also finds out that, should he beat Rey, he’ll face Undertaker.
– Carlito tells Teddy Long he’ll be giving the petition to the Board of Directors next week.
– Rey Mysterio def. Mark Jindrak
– Big Show def. The Bashams
– Undertaker and Rene Dupree went to a double count out, meaning that whomever wins between Mysterio and Angle will automatically advance to the final.
– Booker T def. Eddie Guerrero with some tights.
The Smackdown Membrane
Legally
– Orlando Jordan is guilty of attempted assault on John Cena, as is JBL.
– Nunzio is guilty of violating the “Hometown Hero” entrant rules, as he certainly isn’t from San Jose. Unless there is a San Jose, Italy.
– Kurt Angle and Mark Jindrak are guilty of coercion.
– The writers are guilty of systematically killing the tag division. (This goes for both shows)
– Jindrak and Reigns are guilty of violating the Calvin Klein laws during the Undertaker/Dupree match.
– Booker T is guilty of using the tights to win. He is also guilty of using Eddie Guerrero’s own gimmick against him.
Personally
– Why not just grant Cena the title shot because he was Smackdown’s last member in the Royal Rumble? Obviously Angle can make him look better going into Wrestlemania, but he is going to have to lose the US Title at some point anyway, so what does it matter?
– Carlito will be forgotten about when he gets back into the ring. That’s not cool.
– Remember what I said when Batista def. La Resistance? Awesome for Batista, sad for the tag division? Yea, take out any awesomeness and you have Big Show going over The Bashams.
– What the heck is Undertaker going to do at Wrestlemania?
– I wish I could get behind Booker T, but I really feel that his time has past him by. Is he entertaining? Yeah. Will he be World Champion some day? I doubt it. It sucks, because the opportunities have been there at certain points while in WWE. If the Invasion has only been done better…well, at least he has WCW Titles to rest upon.
The Crown of Thorns: Raw 02.07.05
– I am Miss Cleo, read my full predictions here. Seriously, it’s just spoilers.
The Crown of Thorns: Smackdown 02.10.05
-Double the Cleo, double the spoilers: What I think has a very good chance of happening on Smackdown.
Victoria Rules Because:
Someone bought her event worn tights for $1,000! WOW! That and she updated her site with new pictures and a new design. Double the reasons!
Visit Victoria at ViciousVixen.com
The Voice Of This Person
Seeing as there are seven days in a week, there are seven days of the Daily News. Additionally, there are seven days of dumb ass letters from people. I’ve decided to store all of them in my car and go over them, optimizing your reading pleasure. I used Monday’s last week, so let’s start with Tuesday.
Montrose, N.Y.: Now that the fifth bogus reason President Bush gave for invading Iraq has come to pass and Iraq has held elections, are the U.S. troops coming home? – Robert Milano
Robert, no. While the elections were a beautiful thing and we got to see how much the people of Iraq valued their freedom, we still have work to do. When the country has settled into its new freedom and is able to sustain itself, we will leave. However, I think you are a touch of jackass, because your tone is very condescending. I think you voted for Kerry. Two words: HA HA YOU LOST! Yea, that was four. Sorry, I’m part of the uneducated Christian right that voted for Bush. Sucks to be you.
This was also in Tuesday, it is short and I say bravo to the writer:
New City, N.Y.: If Iraq is Bush’s Vietnam, would that make Vietnam JFK’s Iraq? – Julie Murray
Wednesday:
Richmond Hill: So what if the Iraqi people had free elections. Most of them despise America. Why should America have to lose so many young lives and spend billions on a country that will most likely become an Islamic extremist dictatorship anyway? – Tom Freeman
Tom, with a last name like that you should be applauding this. You sound very bitter. Maybe it is because you have seen a President that you hate come through on something you and your fellow liberals never thought was possible. Moreover, you tried to impede the process because you were so focused on regaining power. Do four things: 1) Take the Kerry/Edwards sticker off of your car. 2) Take the Howard Dean sticker off that the Kerry/Edwards one was covering up. 3) Take the Gore sticker off that the Howard Dean one was covering up. 4) Get Hannitized.
A short one on Wednesday that ruled:
Hicksville, L.I.: To Sen. Ted Kennedy: It’s time for you to do something for your country. Sit down and shut up. – Mike Provenzano
Thursday
Brooklyn: Thanks to the 13 senators who did their jobs in challenging Rice. Dissent is an American value. Republicans who have a problem with this American value have a problem with America. Better they should focus on which journalist to pay off next to promote their rubbish. – Arthur Brown
Arthur, it is phenomenal that the 13 senators dissented. Only if they has dissented for the right reasons, like anything other that “NO! SHE’S A REPUBLICAN!” As for paying off journalists, I distinctly remember a man named Dan Rather. Also, rubbish? C’mon, seriously, who uses the word rubbish?
Friday
Brooklyn: You have clearly lost touch with your readers in favor of pushing a pro-right, anti-Democratic spin. Keep this up and you’ll boost sales of The New York Times. – Michael Turner
Michael, who the heck are you? The Daily News has lost touch because it provides the news in a fair light, not leaning to one side or the other? There are just as many pro-Democrat articles as there is anti-Democrat. The same thing goes for the Republican sect. Just because you don’t like reading ones that disagree with your views doesn’t mean that any leaning is going on. You want leaning? Go get The Times! It leans farther than Brianna Banks at a woody festival.
Saturday
Manhattan: In his State of the Union address, President Bush sounded like those beauty pageant contestants who wish for world peace. Of course, they’re a little smarter. – Nick Smyrniotopoulos
Nick, OH HO HO HAHA. That was good. That showed, in full, the wittiness of the left. Wow. I don’t have enough tissues to get over that hilarious joke. Either that or I am crying because I am still trying to pronounce your last name. See, I have horrible jokes too, jerky.
Sunday
Nothing. That’s right, nothing. Nobody wrote a stupid letter. Wow. I don’t know whether I should be happy or scared. Maybe I am bringing people over. Maybe my column is taking this city, no, this world, to a new place. March on young soldiers!
News and Thoughts
– Hogan might be back for Wrestlemania 21. For what it’s worth, he is still a big name. However, what can he bring to the table? Nothing, says I.
– Lex Luger got arrested again. He was found slumped over the wheel of the Lex Express mumbling “Countout? Celebrate like I won the title? But…but why?”
– The Hall of Fame inductees were announced. “Cowboy” Bob Orton slides in on his son’s coattails. Other than him I have no objections. Sure Volkoff wasn’t worth that much, but whom else could they induct? Oh yeah, Bret.
– Steve Austin counter-sued his ex for a whopping 185 million dollars. She sued him for 20 million. Here is the better question: If neither one of them has that kind of money, how do they pay? The only people that pay are taxpayers who have to see their court system used for this crap.
– Sean Waltman signed with TNA. Didn’t the bastion of truth Joanie Laurer say he was under WWE contract? Guess not. 8 balls for everyone! Speaking of Joanie, I actually watched an episode of The Surreal Life on VH1. I would like to take this opportunity to applaud Triple H. Game, you are the smartest man in the history of the universe.
– In non-wrestling news, 24 was snubbed of any SAG Awards on Saturday night. Maybe I am biased, but they should have won for ensemble cast. I think CSI is a quality show, but 24 is a ton better and the acting is 10 times above CSI. Seriously, who snubs Reiko? Jerry Orbach winning for Best Actor over Keifer was to be expected. He was a great actor and will be missed.
Plugging It In
– Blatt interviews HillBilly Jim and then he comes right back and Deconstructs The Royal Rumble.
– Jed is back, re-writing the Invasion. Thank God, somebody should have done it in the middle of the damn thing.
– He plays with knifes and should try to keep Stacy in line, he is Eric S. I refuse to spell the last name, I’m epileptic. Catch up before he hits you tomorrow.
– Speaking of catching up, I wrote a really good column last week. Wow I toot my own horn so well.
More tooting! Check out my not so updated blog!
So that Patriots won… show me a real dynasty. None of this winning by three points crap.
Speaking of football, the Hall of Fame inductees came out there too. I would rage myself, but why write when Michaelangelo said it the best:
Edited for naughtyness
Once again, the Cowboys get f***ed in the Hall of Fame voting. How the hell does Michael Irvin not get in? This is pure crap. You think I’m over exaggerating the HOF bias against the Cowboys? Look at the numbers. The Cowboys have been in existence since 1960 and have 7 players in the Hall of Fame. Some other teams who came into existence in the same year include San Diego, which has 6 players in the HOF, Kansas City, which has 7, Miami, which has 9, and Oakland, which has 12. The Cowboys have been to 8 Super Bowls, a record, and won 5, tied for the record. And yet they have only ONE more Hall of Famer than f***ing San Diego? The same number as f***ing Kansas City? Less than Miami and Oakland? Where the f*** is Bullet Bob Hayes? Rayfield Wright? Cliff Harris? Chuck Howley? Lynn f***ing Swann is a Hall of Famer, but not Drew Pearson? Michael Irvin was the heart and soul of the 90’s Cowboys. You ask anyone who played with him, anyone who covered the team, and they’ll tell you that no one worked harder than Irvin. He set the tone at every practice and for every game. And they keep him out, for what? Because he got busted with blow once? F***ing LT was high as hell when he was inducted! This s*** sickens me, and reinforces the fact that the Pro Football Hall of Fame is bulls***.
The man speaks the truth.
As I prepare to exit I’d like to let all of you romance movie buffs in on a secret as far as I’m concerned: The Notebook. Rachel McAdams is going to be a huge star someday, mark my words. Go pick it up tomorrow. It looks like this:
That’s all for me, enjoy your week, I’ll see you in 7 days.
