– Man, are people in denial about the Undertaker or what? I slipped one innocent comment about into the Fully Loaded rant about how I thought Undertaker is a “crippled, has been, slow-moving, fried-food eating, motorcyle-riding, no-selling, tobacco-chewing, no-money-drawing, talentless piece of selfish SHIT” and for SOME reason people interpreted that as being negative. Hey, folks, that’s just being NICE and leaving out a bunch of stuff that I really want to say about the guy. The thing that REALLY scared the hell out of me was the sheer number of letters I got on the subject (nearly 200 in two days) from WOMEN whose main problem with the situation is that they think Undertaker is sexy and I’m therefore being unfair to him. Hey, I’d do Rena Mero in a second, but there’s no way in hell I’d want to see her wrestling again, either. There also seems to be a lot of anti-Kurt Angle sentiment out there, too, but that’s probably just jealousy. It’s true, it’s true.
– Anyway, onto this specific show: This one has been garnering a lot of requests lately (along with Fully Loaded 98) for reasons I don’t get. My theory, as with D-Generation X, is that no one ordered the show the first time around and thus no one’s seen it. And since I care about my fans (except for those who don’t like Benoit and still think Undertaker is cool) I figured I’d take a few hours out of my holidays and type up the rant.
– Live from Houston, TX
– Your hosts are JR and the King
– Opening match: Marc Mero & Goldust v. The Headbangers. Mero banishes Sable to the dressing room before the match. This match was just to set up the Mero-Goldust feud so they could have the mixed match at Wrestlemania 14. Mero boxes Mosh to start, but gets dumped to the floor in short order. Double-team clothesline from the Bangers on Mero draws Marilyndust in and he gets dominated, too. Thrasher superplexes Mosh onto Marilyndust for two. Thrasher then gets caught in the heel corner and dumped to the floor. He bleeds after hitting the stairs. He plays freak-in-peril, as the crowd dozes. Mero chokes Thrasher out with tape as the match drags on. Horrible powerbomb gets two. Man, when your WIFE does a better powerbomb than you, it’s time to hang it up. The TKO is countered with a DDT and Mosh gets the hot tag. Flajack on Goldust gets two. Luna stops the Stage Dive, but Sable returns as Mero TKOs Mosh. The men stop a catfight while the Bangers do the switcheroo and small package Mero for the pin at 13:51. Boring match, good ending. *
– Light heavyweight title match: Taka Michinoku v. Pantera. Taka controls early, but gets armdragged out and hit with a tope. Back in, Taka reverses a flying headscissors and puts Pantera on the floor, then follows with a springboard plancha. Back in, Taka hits the double seated dropkick combo. Pantera goes up and gets crotched, but headscissors Taka off the apron and follows with a tope. Into the ring for a double-arm backbreaker and a rear chinlock, into a bow-and-arrow. Sloppy sequence follows as they slug it out, before Taka gets backdropped out and Pantera hits another tope con hilo (called as such by JR). Back in, Pantera does a weird surfboard pinning combo and a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, then hits a top rope rana for two. Moonsault gets two. Second try misses, and Taka comes off the top with a kneedrop, but Pantera cradles for two. Rollup for two. Taka powerbomb gets two. Misile dropkick sets up the Michinoku Driver for the pin at 10:10. Despite the dead crowd, the match smoked most of the way. ***
– The Quebecers v. The Godwinns. Hey, remember the two-week period when the Quebecers came over from WCW and had that heated Shotgun feud with the Godwinns, despite them both being heels and neither being over? Yeah, me neither. Sadly, someone in the WWF wardrobe department lost their sense of tastelessness between 1994 and 1998, and thus the Q’s get to wear generic wrestling gear instead of the much cooler faux-Mountie uniforms, and all also noticeably lacking in kickass theme music. The Q’s control Henry with wristlocks to start. Godwinns retort with power stuff and work on Jacques’ arm. Crowd is totally disinterested. PIG legdrop gets two. It takes me the better part of the first 5 minutes to figure out that the Quebecers are playing babyface here, although most of the crowd never bothers to do the same. By the 7:00 mark the crowd is noticeably emptying and the announcers have simply decided to talk about everything other than the match instead. Hot tag to Pierre, which gets zero reaction. I mean, I literally didn’t see one person get excited over it. Powerslam on PIG gets two. Jacques piledrives him and they hit the Cannonball for two. Jacques takes out HOG with a tope (!), but HOG lariats Pierre shortly after for the pin at 11:15, an ending that came out of nowhere. Zzzzz. ½* The Quebecers were mercifully fired again shortly after.
– NWA North American title match: “Aztec Warrior” Jeff Jarrett v. Bradshaw. Just to keep things in perspective, I added the nickname for Jarrett, because he changes gimmicks a few times between this match and Summerslam, before finally settling on his current look. This was the apex of the humiliating NWA angle, given to Jim Cornette as a punishment for being smart and successful in the 80s with a rival promotion, and since Vince McMahon holds a grudge longer than anyone else in recorded history, and Paul Heyman was smart enough to stop having his guys appear on WWF TV after 97, Vince had to make sure that we all knew that the WWF was #1 and the NWA was just a joke. So that left Cornette to take the brunt of it. So the first thing he did was split up the Blackjacks and turn Barry Windham heel, then brought in the VERY aging Rock N Roll Express and expected them to adjust to the modern style AND still be remembered by the younger crowd. Well, that worked out about as well as you’d expect, which is to say not at all. Oh, and for those who were asking me about the WWF setting up certain angles to fail, this is another example. ANYWAY, according to JR this is the first time in WWF history that an NWA title is on the line, and since I can’t think of anything off the top of my head to contradict that with, I’ll accept it. Bradshaw kicks Jarrett’s ass, Texas-style, to start. He no-sells all of JJ’s offense and lays in some stiff kicks. A lariat sends Jarrett over the top. Bradshaw makes the dumb mistake of going after Cornette, and gets jumped by Jarrett. JJ takes over back in the ring, and the crowd dies. Wow, what a fascinating coincidence. Wonder how THAT happened? Missile dropkick gets two. Cornette interference gives Jarrett a two count. Bradshaw blocks a sunset flip, and dodges a Bossman-style rope straddle. Cornette nails Bradshaw in the knee, and Jarrett works on it. Figure-four is countered, but Jarrett gets a DDT and heads upstairs, only to get crotched. Bradshaw superplex is countered, but he comes back with a blockbuster slam. Slugfest ensues, and you can just guess who wins that. Bradshaw powerbombs Jarrett and goes after Cornette. JJ gets the racket and nails Bradshaw for the DQ at 8:57. And to think that less than EIGHT WEEKS before this they were seriously considering Jarrett as a main event contender, and now at this point they’re protecting friggin’ BRADSHAW against doing a job. Match was pretty okay for Bradshaw, less so for the unmotivated Jarrett. **
– Funny Nation interview follows, as Faarooq cuts a serious promo and Rocky mugs to the camera.
– Faarooq, D-Lo Brown, Kama Mustafa, Mark Henry & Rocky Maivia v. Ken Shamrock, Ahmed Johnson, Skull, 8-Ball & Chainz. This is SUPPOSED to be elimination rules, since the announcers tell us that about 4 times. Wait, wait, I know what you’re thinking: “With DOA, The Godfather, Mark Henry AND Ahmed Johnson all in there, who could book ANY eliminations in good conscience?” I guess the bookers shared your feelings, whoever you are. Skull starts with D-Lo, and D-Lo quickly gets caught in the wrong corner. Kama comes in and gets nailed by Chainz. Then it’s Henry v. Johnson. Mark overpowers him, but Ahmed comes back with a slam. D-Lo comes in and frog splashes Ahmed’s leg and the Nation takes over. Ahmed gets the spinebuster on Faarooq but takes too long with the tiger bomb and Rocky saves. Rocky comes in with a DDT on Shamrock for two. Kama gets double-teamed by DOA, then a DOA member gets dominated. 10 with no eliminations would seem to indicate that someone had their head up their ass and forgot the stipulations. D-Lo gets a 2nd rope elbow for two. Rocky hits a People’s Elbow for one. Faarooq comes in, but makes the Cardinal Mistake and Rock comes back in, hitting the Ballshot of Doom, and allowing more Nation domination. Kama slows it down with a chinlock. Nice to see Chuck earning his paycheque. D-Lo misses the moonsault, hot tag Shamrock. KATIE, BAR THE DOOR, IT’S A PIER-SIX BRAWL! Shamrock anklelocks Rock for the submission at 13:49. Remember when Rocky used to tap-out to other peoples’ submission moves? Match was at least energetic, if nothing special. **1/2 Rock & Faarooq nearly come to blows after the loss, but then make up and agree to keep fighting Whitie.
– Vader v. Kane. Kane was coming off Royal Rumble, where he “burned Undertaker alive” and thus sent him back to the Batcave or wherever he hangs out when he dies (which is usually every year, giving him a better death-to-resurrection ratio than Jesus). Slugfest to start here, drawing a big pop from the crowd. They brawl on the floor as the crowd chants “Vader”. I still say whoever said that Vader wasn’t an effective babyface is full of shit. Kane dominates and we head back in, as Vader lays in some rabbit punches and dumps Kane back out. Vader posts Kane, but gets clotheslined on the top rope, followed by a Kane flying clothesline. Suplex and elbowdrop follow, and Kane comes off the top with a shot to the back. Well, that’s about the limit of Kane’s moveset, so we head back to that old standby: Punching. A couple of clotheslines later, Vader tries the comeback but gets cut off. Vader comes back again, but gets nowhere. Kane pulls out a DDT, and Vader comes back again. Avalanche is no-sold, but Vader blocks the chokeslam and clotheslines him. Big fat splash sets up the Vadersault, which is no-sold. Kane retreats and they brawl, and Vader hits the stairs. He immediately finds a fire extinguisher and sprays Kane. Back in, powerbomb is no-sold (how many times do I have to type that in one match?) and the usual finishes Vader at 10:59. Decent power match, but the middle portion was SLLLOOOOWW and Kane’s lack of selling got annoying after a while, especially with a 400 pound monster in there doing the shots. ** Kane bashes Vader’s head in with a wrench for fun.
– Steve Austin, Owen Hart, Cactus Jack & Terry Funk v. Road Dogg, Billy Gunn, HHH & Savio Vega. Vega takes the place of the injured Shawn Michaels, after they spent the entire show doing a “Who is the mystery partner?” deal that couldn’t possibly pay off with anything. Savio does make up for sucking by bringing a roll of barbed wire with him. Cactus one-ups him with a wheelbarrow of goodies. Austin slaughters Gunn quickly, then pounds on HHH for two. They fight off while Cactus flattens Dogg in the ring and Funk covers for two. Owen hiptosses Gunn through a table and applies the Sharpshooter, but with no promoter at ringside the move is ineffective. Owen tries a rana and gets powerbombed. This is total chaos. Austin kills Savio on the outside while HHH lays in about 10 garbage can shots on Funk. Owen Sharpshooters HHH again, but Dogg saves as we slowly morph into an actual tag match. The Outlaws powerbomb Funk on two chairs and we finally go into standard tag format at 7:00. Gunn covers Funk for two. The heels pound Funk. Awesome spot as Austin launches a garbage can at Billy Gunn’s face on the other side of the ring! Funk takes a nasty bump outside, then makes the hot tag to Cactus. He whips Gunn into Dogg and DDTs him for two, then puts the claw on the tag champs at the same time. HHH breaks it up with a low blow, and Gunn DDTs Jack on the floor. Gunn drops the stairs on him for good measure. Back in, HHH suplex on Jack gets two. Savio wraps that barbed wire all over Cactus, drawing gasps from the crowd. HHH lays in some sick unprotected chairshots on Jack, but a Gunn shot goes awry and Jack hot tags Austin, blowing the roof off the joint. Mudhole stomping for HHH, stunner for Road Dogg, and that’s that at 17:38. Wild brawl to set up Wrestlemania 14. ***1/4 Chyna gets in Austin’s face, so BAM! Stunner. End of show.
The Bottom Line: Not exactly required viewing or anything, but it’s a good enough waste of 2 ½ hours, I guess. The show annoyed people the first time around for not developing any of the plotlines or providing any major twists, but taken out of context it’s a good enough wrestling show for what it is.
Mildly recommended.
