More Reasons Why Being Deaf Sucks/Rocks

So some folks have discovered a new breed of monkeys in Bolivia. “What does this have to do with music Mathan” you ask. Well they are singing monkeys! These monkeys begin each day by singing to each other.

Now, it may be early, but I’m going to go ahead and declare this “The Discovery of the Century Millennium! Can you wrap your head around that? Sure a cure for cancer would be nice, but I’m honestly going to put singing monkeys ahead of that as a more amazing discovery, because let’s face it; if you gave a thousand monkeys a thousand typewriters personal computers and had them write for a thousand years even they wouldn’t dream up singing monkeys.

(Doubt me if you will, but monkeys don’t strike me as the most narcissistic animals in the kingdom. Personally I think they’d be more self-effacing than anything. But that’s neither here nor there.)

Can you imagine the windfall of the first label to sing these monkeys? They are going to be huge. I mean, if chanting monks can move units imagine how fast singing monkeys will sell. You know the monkeys would put on a hell of a show, and I’m betting they’d tour much more than those monks did.

VH1 would pay huge money to sing the monkeys to a reality show deal. The result would be The Real Monkees, and would follow the band on a world tour. Hysteria would be an understatement as the fans would not only go ape$#!% but actually get ape$#!%.

Of course the record labels would manufacture a “beef” between the singing monkeys and The Gorillaz. I imagine there would be a pay per view “battle of the bands” event billed as “King of the Jungle” or “Top of the Evolutionary Ladder” with “career extinction” for the loser. But in the end it would be all about selling records.

As the fans grew tired of them, the singing monkeys would end up relegated to playing King Louie’s back up band in Disney’s 2010 remake of “The Jungle Book” be it animated (again) or live action (again.)

Or maybe I’m just getting my hope up. But shouldn’t I be allowed to dream?

Eternal Damnation Ahead!

For some reason I found myself with too much time on my hands and I got to thinking (again) about the recent happenings in the life of R&B artist Houston.

Apparently last month Houston got despondent and tried to kill himself. His “handlers” prevented him from doing so. Houston then managed to steal himself away a bit of time, not much mind you, just enough to gouge out his eye!

So I tried to put myself in his shoes, to figure out what could drive him to take such a desperate act. And if figured it out; it has to do with inadequacies.

Y’see all the hype around Jamie Foxx’s portrayal of Ray Charles coupled with Ray’s actual death, left Houston with the notion that he’d never be half the man Ray Charles was. It’s really sad when our insecurities cause us to lose sight of the talents that we do posses.

Houston had a bonafide hit with his single “I Like That.” It was an infectious pop tune that was inescapable. In fact the song was even used as part of a McDonald’s promotion. Yet even this couldn’t bring Houston peace.

Of course the fear that he’d end up like other notable McDonald’s supporters could have tormented the singer as well. When was the last time you saw Mayor McCheese or even Calvin? Sadly longevity for a McDonald’s shill is practically unheard of.

However, if recent history has showed us anything, Houston should be able to look forward to a boon in record sales. Take the example of 50 Cent. 50 had a record deal that fell through after he was shot 9 times! However 50 had the last laugh, when his debut was finally released it ended up going 6 times platinum.

Now, I’m no math wiz but by my calculations that’s roughly three million records for every bullet! If 50 reaps those sales for a lack of enunciation, imagine what Houston will get with his lack of depth perception.

Look at Bushwick Bill, I seem to recall an rather unflattering picture of him on the cover of one of the Geto Boy’s more successful albums. And what about Romeo from Immature, he sported an eye patch and I’m guessing he was pretty successful with the ladies. Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez got her nickname from a her thoughts about her own eye. And who could forget The Ruler?

Not to be shortsighted but that’s just “urban” music, I won’t even get into the career that David Bowie has. You’d have to be blind not to see the success he’s had.

So Houston, try to look on the bright side; it’s better to be a one-eyed artist than a one hit wonder. I hope that everyone keeps an eye out for his next album.

Oh, I’m sure you want to read something else by this point. Try these;

The Jungle Book animated

Aaron not only gets festive, but ominous as well. Nick sheds some light on idiot radio DJ’s.

Jeff is on vacation, again, but Mike Eagle fills the void.

Gordi continues being a class act, with classical references.

In a very special episode Gloomchen learns to appreciate some Country music.

Tom has news about a Rock Musical landmark in jeopardy.

Shawn is disappointed with the Grammys, and has an eye for Alicia Keys.

Various IP-ers admit that they have purchased albums or watched the Grammys.

The Live Action Jungle Book

Phil big ups two MC’s who should have been bigger.

Tayo addresses Jay & Game.

Ian gives you his thoughts on the Grammy’s.

Five Artists/Groups That I Wish Were Real

1. Ice Man McGee
2. Cephus & Reesie
3. Three Times One Minus One
4. T.T. & Mario
5. Ren & Ten