So here we go – tonight – live from inside of Lita, the Monday Night Rabble comes to you once again from the fine armpit of America, New Jersey. I am James Hatton here with Hernandez, Jenna, Laura, Eric, Angela, and of course – the Dumas to my Copeland, Dani.
So, we are here with two cheap Hardy jokes in the bag and we haven’t even started! So without further adieu – the picture of us! Oh, and just to get it out of the way – the “WAS IT BEN MORSE?” hint is – “The Conquistador did NOT sleep with Amy Dumas!” THREE JOKES! I’M GOIN TO HELL TONIGHT!
So last week Trips destroyed a superhero – Batista wrecked some Evolution – and that’s that.
Tonight Batista takes on Flair.. but first Shawn. Worst sign of the night: Shawn Bleeds For Me – great, we now have the religious right watching. What does Shawn want to talk about… oh, right – Angle!
He’s got footage from Smackdown! The Unibomber shows up, but Shawn Michaels is dressed like the Cameraman from the village people. Hundreds of people come to save Angle. Shawn is feeling rage tonight. Rage that he gained from another man. Ewwwww….
Shawn has declared himself “Mister Wrestlemania”
“..I will not back him up on this” – Hernandez.
Well, Angle shows up on the Titantron and tells us about continuity. 1996, Angle won a gold medal – but people kept asking him when he was going to ‘go pro’.
“WHO THE HELL ASKED HIM THAT?!” – Eric
“Southern people” – Me
So, Angle, if he was in the WWE he would have done all that Shawn did. Beaten all of his records – so at Wrestlemania, he’s going to do it all.
“So he’s going to screw Bret?” – Eric
“He’s gonna find God?” – Angela
“He’s gonna lose his smile?” – Me
Here comes Trips.. drooling.
COMMERCIAL
Once again, Eric points out – Trips is curtain jerking. Weird.
“Let’s see if he makes it to the ring this time” – Eric
This week – he’s facing.. ROSIE?!?!?!
“..your NEW WWE Champion…”
TRIPLE H vs. ROSIE
non-title match
Headbutt starts the match. The bell rings. Rosie tosses Trips into the ropse, ducks and gets set-up for the Pedigree. He stands up and drops onto Trips for a two count. Rosie tosses Trips into the corner and Hunter lands square in the center – Rosie GOES FOR A MOONSAULT!??! ..and misses…
“Is that Rosie O’Donnell under that mask?” – Roommate Randy shows up for a oneliner.
Trips launches onto Rosie. And the decimation begins. Into the steps, back in the ring.. huge spinebuster… yes – Triple H spinebusted Rosie. Pedigree and that’s that.
Under the ring goes Trips – and out comes the sledgehammer. He clips out Rosie’s leg and then talks to the sledgehammer… odd.
WINNER: TRIPLE H
COMMERCIAL
Trish makes me want to take Stacker… must.. buy.. breas–Stacker…
No questions yet tonight – nothing interesting enough to comment on.
Apparently Christie’s Playboy comes out Friday.
In the back Trips comes in and Ric seems a bit sullen. He seems to be upset that he has to face Batista.
“The only way Ric can win is if he comes out with a donkey.” – Dani
Trips made the match last week because Ric is the umpteen-millionth time World Champion. Flair
In the back also is Jericho, Christian, Benoit, Shelton, and the Lita-humper. They are all meeting in Bischoff’s office to find out that they are all in the match. The MONEY-IN-THE-BANK match – the winner gets a chance at a World Title match whenever they choose to. So tonight, Benoit faces Shelton, Edge faces Jericho, and Christian (who is wearing the coolest new Captain Charisma shirt) faces the 6th man … NEXT!
COMMERCIAL
Who is facing Christian?
Eric – Ultimate Warrior
Jen – Chris Masters
Me – I say Matt Hardy, why the frick not
Erik – Hardy
Randy – JEFF Hardy
Laura – No idea
See, this is what following the IWC rumor mill does. It taints things. It makes things dirty. It will never be the same again….
We’re back – and here comes Christian and Tomko. I frigging love Christian. AND WHO IS IT?! ITTTTTTTT’SSSSSSSSSS .. Kane?!
CHRISTIAN vs. KANE
Christian’s face is priceless – and the world is confused. .
Before the bell rings Christian goes after Kane and pushes him into the corner . Kane doesn’t care,. he picks up Christian – bench presses him a few times and then drops him into the corner. Kicks him and tosses him into the corner. Tomko drops Kane with Christian bothering the ref and now Christian is just cheating the best he can.
Finally, stupidly, Christian starts chopping Kane – responded with a Kane-punch. Christian ducks a punch and jumps on for a sleeper. Kane finally sideslams Christian and is going for the chokeslam. Christian stands up and ducks it, but boots him in the face. Kane goes up for the top rope clothesline, but misses. They both stand up and as Christian charges – Kane gets the chokeslam.
WINNER: KANE
Well as Kane turns around, Tomko hits him with the ladder. I smell a swerve.
Backstage Stacy talks to Orton about his next announcement.
COMMERCIAL
Lawler is stuffing his face before the next match – promoting the official sandwich of Wrestlemania.. they promote Piper coming back.. sexy.
Now though, the other loudmouth I love – Chris Jericho.
“You think you know me!!!!!”
“We thought we did…” – Hernandez
Spotted Sign: Edge screwed Lita.
Spotted Sign: Edge speared Lita.
It starts with some lock-ups. Some hammerlocks. Some cheap chants from the crowd. Lots of hold spots. Finally, Edge catches Y2J in the corner and begins to hit the man. Tosses Jericho into the corner, but Chris leaps the top rope and slams Edge’s arm down on the rope.
The match switches back and forth a bit, but finally Jericho takes the high road and gets the 2nd rope leg-over and top rope dropkick. Finally launching onto Edge over the top rope.
COMMERCIAL
Now look – I’ll be honest – this match is completely overshadowed by what is going on in the audience. I am a stupid internet guy like everyone else – and we are totally intrigued into hearing the ‘WE WANT MATT’ and ‘YOU SCREWED LITA *clap clap clap*’ chants. So, sorry on the lack of commentary – we’re being geeks over here. Honestly, I feel bad for Hardy – I do – but I am a heartless bastard over all things.
Back in the ring – Jericho has still got the advantage. Punches and kicks and a fight in the corner. Big chop and then Chris hurls him into the corner. Now Jericho climbs the top, but Edge climbs the corner with them and Edge gets the superplex and BOTH men are down.
Edge gets up first and starts kicking the hell out of Chris to the edge of the ring, and then a baseball slide sends him out. Edge follows him out and double axe off the apron. Edge tosses in Chris and puts him into the Edge-Submission-Finisher-Thingy. Y2J is fighting it. He gets up and as he throws him into the ropes – he gets the knee to the gut and Chris lands on the 2nd rope.
Edge makes fun of Jericho’s little 2nd rope hype-up and gets a fist in the face in response. Rocky 2 Ending.. but Y2J gets up first. Big shoulder blocks, flying cross bodies and a nice DDT. Hurricanrana for 2 from Y2J.
Chris hits the 2nd rope and a perfect missle dropkick. Lionsault set-up, and Edge moves – Chris catches himself. A big boot to Chris’ face and a two count. Edge picks up Chris and they now fight over finishers. Edge is denied the Edgecution – Chris is denied the Walls, and the ref takes the big bump.
Jericho now has the advantage with no referee. He charges Edge in the corner and gets a boot to the face. Edge gets to his feet and sizes up Chris for the spear…. Chris ducks it and Edge lands outside. Edge grabs the ladder and comes on in. Chris sees it and drop toe holds Edge, Lionsault and the pin… the audience counts to 5. Y2J goes for the ref, but Edge lowblows him with the ladder.
Now Edge gets the Edgecution and the win.
WINNER: EDGE
After we got over ourselves and how smart we are – not a bad match at all.
Coach and Bischoff are shooting ideas. Pick Your Poison Monday. Next week Batista gets to pick Trips opponent. After that Batista gets to pick Trips’ opponent. Kinda neat storyline keeper.
COMMERCIAL
Now here comes Orton.
“Aww, little bitter Randy Orton aka Batista-Lite” – Dani
“I don’t know where I am, but I know Stacy was touching me.” – Eric
“I’ll umm… just pose.” – Hernandez
Orton talks about his father Cowboy Bob Orton. His daddy is being inducted into the Hall of Fame. He’s proud of his Dad. So, in doing legendary things, and Orton is a legend.. he will challenge and defeat the Undertaker.
“Lightning.. hit him. Hit him!!!” – Hernandez
Orton gets a low vibe, low responded to, heelish kinda promo. Here comes Bischoff though. Bischoff is happy to hear that the Legendkiller face the Legend.
“Not the ‘Living Legend’.. Zybysko would get pissed” – Hernandez
So Bischoff is happy as hell that Orton is doing this. That means he gets more stock options. He gets to aggrandize his portfolio at Randy’s expense.
WORD OF THE DAY!
AGGRANDIZE – verb.
1 – To increase the scope of; extend.
2 – To make greater in power, influence, stature, or reputation.
Well, in turn, Orton is happy to hear that – oh and he’s also happy to realize that Bischoff is (because of his WCW tenure) a legend. So.. RKO ..
Now, Eric at this point seems to think that this was a more heelish thing to do. Bischoff is just as easily a tweener right now, so why hit him. I think they are trying to push as much out of the face Orton as possible since he is going in as the heel against Taker. What does the rest of the Rabble think?
Was Orton hitting Bischoff a face or heel thing to do?
Hernandez – Face
Laura – Heel
Dani – Total Heel
Jen – Face
Eric – Read what I said
Angela – Heel
Me – Face…
What do you YOU think?
COMMERCIAL
Coming down is Benoit and here comes Laura’s boyfriend Shelton Benjamin!
Bell rings.
Tie-up and some basic greco set-ups to a standing crowd applause moment. Sheleton chargse in and gets a fireman’s carry and the boys fight out of a sit-out. They stand and tie-up again. Fight to the corner and then the shoving match begins.
They fight back and forth. Benjamin goes to throw a punch – Benoit ducks and tosses out Shelton. Benoit HURLS himself out of the ring – Benjamin ducks and Chris goes shoulder first into the ladder set-up outside the ring. It takes a moment for the room to recognize how much that had to hurt.
Back in the ring, Benjamin only keeps the advantage for a moment when Benoit gets the trifecta going – the 3rd one though has Benjamin grab Chris’ legs and pull him in for a 2 count. Thye get up and Benoit throws Shelton. He goes for the headbutt and MISSES! They get back into the ring and fight finisher to finisher. The spin kick gets ducked, the crossface gets denied, the sharpshooter gets denied.
Finally the crossface is in and in a tense ending… he taps.
WINNER: CHRIS BENOIT
COMMERCIAL
(Undertaker as Dirty Harry?! Frigging genius.)
“It’s nice to see Norman Smiley can get a gig these days” – Hernandez
URGENT NEWS: ROSIE HAS BEEN TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL….
In the back. Bischoff is hurt – and here comes Hassan and Akbar. He wasn’t chosen to be in the ladder match due to discrimination. He’s upset because he won’t have a match at Wrestlemania… OH and, because Akbar showed up… IT’S A TRAP!
Smackdown Recap.. you wanna know? Go read CJ Ambrosia!!
Regal and Tajiri ar reading Christie’s new Playboy… Trish steals it from them.
“She likes it.” – Hernandez
Trish doesn’t though. She seems mad. Christie is coming out next. Yay.
COMMERCIAL
Back in the ring – my cute little redhead. Ms. Hemmie.. and a flashback to Pinstriped Trish. Her hot as hell variant outfit. Christie though, now has a message for Trish, but wants her out there to hear it.
Here she comes. Heel Trish knows what Christie wants… she will autograph your magazine with the word ‘Slut’.
Actually Christie wants to challenge Trish for the title at Wrestlemania. See, she’s been training.. by someone Trish knows very well. And.. mothaflocker… LITA COMES DOWN! It took me a good 30 seconds to be able to type again.
“Somewhere, Matt takes his head out from between Molly Holly’s legs and screams WHAT THE F#@$!” – Hernandez.
Lita runs on down – and as Dani puts it.. it’s attack of the redheads. Christie gets the Twist of Fate on Trish – that’s it!
Text Message from Bill – “Go change your pants.”
Thanks Bill.
On the way to the ring, Trips and Ric is coming down… Bischoff stops him and tells Trips that he can’t go down with the sledgehammer. If he brings the hammer, he can’t go down. So Trips just isn’t going to go… Flair though needs Hunter to go with him. NEEDS it.
“Aww, Flair ‘IS’ the Mom” – Hernandez.
COMMERCIAL
Now here comes Flair with the Evolution music.. awww…nuts. Flair is sporting a double-breasted fuzzy Liberace robe.
Here comes Batista – with a huge ‘D – A – A – A – A – V – E’ sign.
“I want Dave in a suit!” – Dani
“But he’s wrestling” – Eric
The crowd goes nuts. The bell rings.
“And Flair flops..” – Me
They stare at each other. Lock up and Dave throws Ric across and out of the ring. The crowd is woo’ing Batista – god knows. Ric climbs in and they lock up… and Batista gets tossed again. Ric woo’s and Dave snarls.
A thumb to the eye, and the first chop is NO sold. The second and third are NO sold. The punches are NO sold. Batista tosses Ric and shoulderblock drops the man. Flair takes a back body drop. In the corner, Dave gets the 5 punches and Flair flops.
Batista grabs Ric and side slam. Dave gets distracted by Trips and the chopblock from Ric clips Dave. Here comes the Flair choking.
“Flair’s not bleeding yet?!” – Eric
“He’s bleeding on the inside” – Hernandez
Flair picks up Dave… okay, I know that sounds silly. He gestures for Dave to get up and another chopblock. Flair is now “working the leg”. Stomps to the knee. Elbows to the knee. Flair goes for the figure four with some outside leverage… and then the fastest figure four reversal EVER!
“He exhaled and flipped over” – Hernandez
Dave goes back to no selling until Dave gets a reverse elbow to the face and Ric goes to the top rope.. which never works… and still doesn’t. A bodyslam that Flair barely gets over on. Dave picks him up, powerslam followed by the spinebuster. Dave does the THUMBS UP… THUMBS DOWN (Aww, he’s got a tell)
Trips comes in, Dave wings him over the top rope – Demonbomb and the pin.
WINNER: BATISTA
Trips goes under the ring and gets a sledgehammer.
“It respawns after four uses.” – Eric
Trips goes in and is about to hit Dave with it when he catches the sledgehammer! Dave takes Trips toys from him and breaks it over his knee. We’re left with Dave preening – and Hunter looks scared.
Final opinions?
Angela – He shoulda hit him with the sledgehammer!
Eric – I’m excited for Wrestlemania – best in the last few months.
Jen – My slut (who is apparently Lita) came out to the ring.
Dani – …I only watched like 10 minutes of it… I was doing homework
Laura – Dentition and post-orbital cranial skeletons help us learn where, in the evolutionary line primates fit.
Hernandez – Benoit & Benjamin stole the show.
Me – I agree. Lita coming out was the Smark-Shocker, but the easy match of the night was Chris and Shelton.
This is what Dani did during wrestling:
So, with a GREAT lead-up show to Wrestlemania, we are on the final run. I can’t wait to give the first ever ManiaRabble – but until then, we have some good stuff to look forward to.
