You know, when you try an begin a column with an original title every week, it becomes painfully hard to do so in an entertaining; nay, a fascinating way that intrigues you, the reader to continue on into the potentially blissful or slightly boring world (not to mention harmful if you sit too closely to the screen an induce your own eyesight deterioration by 15 %) that we, the writers of these fine sports, wresting, music, movie/television and figure columns here at the greatest website in the world, www.InsidePulse.com, create for our own career advancement or time-wasting pleasure which, when we are pressed for an opening, drives us to do insane things like poking fun at ourselves through corny teasers, or making the very first sentence of said opening bit to mimic the run-on sentence from Hell that Harvard English Professors and Alabama A & M Janitors alike shake there head after warning students not to write said sentences in case three sentences (one declaring the previous run-on sentence to be cheesy and/or corny with a one-world sentence “fragment” preceded by ellipses points and the next to start off the supposed topic proper in the next paragraph) follow the alleged run-on sentence that deals with the necessity of Inside Pulse columnists to do such things in order to gain the attention of readers and to garner respect from their fellow writers for being able to sustain one’s breath while reading this sentence aloud without passing out due to a decrease in oxygen levels which causes the alveoli among other parts of the lungs to shrivel into a massive heap of nothingness and thus lead to the cessation of the functions of the heart which furthermore leads us all to the point where we just FRIGGIN’ DIE. Ha ha, and you thought I couldn’t possibly write a cheesy opening like I said halfway through that corny sentence that I would, did you?
…
Ah.
Right, with all that out of the way, welcome to another wholesome edition of Speed Addicts here at the Pulse!
…
Just kidding, guys. I’m stupid, and I’m southern, but there is a logical way to explain that I’m not a stupid Southerner. Just let me figure out. Anyways, welcome to the proper beginning to the column. I’m your host with the most for another titillating edition of the column that makes the NFL Draft look interesting. We’ve got a ton of junk for you today, including NASCAR Q & A, Green/White/Checker, recaps of Martinsville and Texas, a Phoenix Preview, the return of Redneck Theatre, Pimps out the Wazoo and more! Kick it old school, Smokey! But first…
Racing News & Headlines
Greg Biffle, the two-time winner this season (and proverbial measuring stick for “late-bloomers” is on something of a role this year. With two wins, several top 10 finishes and a Busch series win now to his credit, Greg Biffle is slowly but surely starting to gain popularity amongst the NASCAR circles. Biffle has been around since the late ’90s, when a young Biffle substituted for an injured Darrell Waltrip. He’s always had the goods, but until recently, people just didn’t take him as seriously as they should have. Biffle is not a flash in the pan; he has the talent, the ability, and the drive to win. Biffle is very likely going to wind up in the Chase for the Cup, and when that happens… Biffle could very well put himself in contention to win.
NBC Still Courting NASCAR
Ah, my good buddies, back in the news. NBC is still trying to extend their deal with NASCAR to broadcast half of the Nextel Cup Schedule past next year, but even they don’t seem to like their chances. Just the other day, NBC (and ESPN, oddly enough) pulled off a huge coup and wrestled the Monday and Sunday Night NFL games, leaving ABC without their trademark staple pin, Monday Night Football. Though they deny it, NBC is most likely trying to bring in the NFL to bolster the NBC Sports sector, possibly signifying their distrust in being able to get NASCAR back.
This poses several interesting questions, the first of which revolves around NBC itself. With the NFL coming to NBC on Sunday nights next season (2006), which is also at the same time as NASCAR will be on the network in the last year of their NBC deal, will the NASCAR execs agree to resign with the network, or will they move to ABC now that NBC has begun courting the NFL? What’s more, if NASCAR does not renew their contract with NBC, can ABC afford to begin carrying NASCAR? One of the main reasons Monday Night Football was canned was for financial reasons; ABC couldn’t/didn’t want to shell out the cash to keep MNF on ABC (check out all these abbreviations). There’s two
Rusty Wallace: The Last Call Man!
This is kind of, well, hard for me to admit, but I have got to tip my hat to Rusty Wallace. I may call him Krusty Rusty when I’m feeling generous, but the man has shown up to race in this, his last season in NASCAR. While I’ll never put him in the same class as Dale Earnhardt or Darrell Waltrip, Rusty has been a staple pin of NASCAR for a long, long time now. The dance wont quite be the same without him, and that’s the damned truth, my friends. Here’s to Rusty: now let’s go make fun of him some more!
Season Ender Under the Lights
I’ve just about burned myself out with all this night racing stuff, so I’ll keep it to this: track officials at Miami-Homestead, the site of the season-ending race in November, is scrambling to install a multi-million dollar, state of the art lighting system in order to run the final “Chase for the Cup” event under the lights. So, in other words, Miami-Homestead/NASCAR officials want to rake in the big bucks with primetime exposure. In other news, sun rises at 7:00, film at 11:00.
Martinsville & Texas Review
Martinsville, as predicted, was very much an exciting race to watch on television. For those of you who tuned in late, you missed a multi-car pileup just past the start of the race, signaling once again how tight conditions are at the Paper Clip. On a serious note, it was a very emotional return for the Hendrick racing team. Last fall, while Hendrick driver Jimmie Johnson was racing to a victory at Martinsville, ten people from the Hendrick organization and family were killed when their jet crashed in the rural Virginia countryside. Among those killed were Rick Hendrick’s son, along with the chief engine builder for Hendrick Motorsports. To say that everyone was rooting for Jimmie Johnson and Jeff Gordon to win was an understatement, but that Jeff Gordon was able to pull away from Kasey Kahne on the restart with only five-four laps to go, and take the checkered flag in Martinsville, was truly a special moment. It was one of those moments that kind of transcends the sport, you know? Just a real good way to end the day.
Official Results – Advance Auto Parts 500 (Martinsville)
01. #24 Jeff Gordon (DuPont Chevrolet)
02. #09 Kasey Kahne (Dodge Dealers/UAW Dodge)
03. #06 Mark Martin (Viagra Ford)
04. #12 Ryan Newman (ALLTEL Dodge)
05. #02 Rusty Wallace (Miller Lite Dodge)
06. #40 Sterling Marlin (Coors Light Dodge)
07. #21 Ricky Rudd (Motorcraft Genuine Parts Ford)
08. #48 Jimmie Johnson (Lowe’s Chevrolet)
09. #38 Elliott Sadler (M&M’s Ford)
10. #01 Joe Nemechek (U.S. Army Chevrolet)
11. #17 Matt Kenseth (DeWalt Power Tools Ford)
12. #11 Jason Leffler (FedEx Express Chevrolet)
13. #08 Dale Earnhardt Jr. (Budweiser Chevrolet)
14. #88 Dale Jarrett (UPS Ford)
15. #19 Jeremy Mayfield (Dodge Dealers/UAW Dodge)
16. #31 Jeff Burton (Cingular Wireless Chevrolet)
17. #41 Casey Mears (Target Dodge)
18. #45 Kyle Petty (Georgia-Pacific/Brawny Dodge)
19. #97 Kurt Busch (Crown Royal Ford)
20. #07 Robby Gordon (Harrah’s Chevrolet)
21. #10 Scott Riggs (Valvoline Chevrolet)
22. #43 Jeff Green (Cheerios/Betty Crocker Dodge)
23. #04 Mike Wallace (Lucas Oil Products Chevrolet)
24. #49 Ken Schrader (Schwan’s Home Service Dodge)
25. #42 Jamie McMurray (Texaco/Havoline Dodge)
26. #20 Tony Stewart (The Home Depot Chevrolet)
27. #77 Travis Kvapil (Kodak/Jasper Dodge)
28. #37 Kevin Lepage (Carter’s Royal Dispos-all Dodge)
29. #16 Greg Biffle (Jackson Hewitt Ford)
30. #15 Michael Waltrip (NAPA Auto Parts Chevrolet)
31. #22 Scott Wimmer (Caterpillar Dodge)
32. #29 Kevin Harvick (GM Goodwrench Chevrolet)
33. #18 Bobby Labonte (Interstate Batteries Chevrolet)
34. #07 Dave Blaney (SKF/Jack Daniel’s Chevrolet)
35. #25 Brian Vickers (GMAC/ditech.com Chevrolet)
36. #00 Mike Bliss (NetZero Best Buy Chevrolet)
37. #66 Hermie Sadler (Peak Fitness Ford)
38. #99 Carl Edwards (Scotts Ford)
39. #05 Kyle Busch (Kellogg’s Chevrolet)
40. #32 Bobby Hamilton Jr. (Tide Chevrolet)
41. #09 Johnny Sauter (Miccosukee Gaming & Resorts Dodge)
42. #34 Randy LaJoie (Mach One Inc. Chevrolet)
43. #175 Mike Garvey (Jani-King/Rinaldi Air Conditioning Dodge)
Now then, last week the NASCAR boys set out to tame the Charlotte-Atlanta clone, Texas Motor Speedway. I’ve always had a love-hate affair with Texas; the racing isn’t as exciting as it is at Charlotte or Atlanta, but the track seems to produce harrowing finish after harrowing finish. Not this year of course, as Greg Biffle just ran away from the pack at various intervals, taking the checkered flag in fairly impressive fashion. The interesting thing about Texas is the uncanny ability to take out half the field within the first half-lap of the race. Luckily, no such crash occurred this past week at Texas, though Tony Stewart had a fiery brush with disaster as his car caught on fire down the backstretch. Stewart, who suffered only minor burns, would be okay, but the car on fire was a rather uneasy sight. Turn 2 was fairly quiet this time, though Turn 4 claimed several cars on the very first lap of the race! The Quad-Oval design that Texas, Atlanta, and Charlotte share make the front stretch to Turn 1 strip a very interesting experience for drivers. Also, it’s worth noting that Jimmie Johnson continued to run well, and DEI’s Earnhardt Jr. and Waltrip both got into the Top 10 together for the first time in a dog’s age.
Official Results – Samsung/Radio Shack 500 (Texas)
01. #16 Greg Biffle
02. #42 Jamie McMurray
03. #48 Jimmie Johnson
04. #41 Casey Mears
05. #40 Sterling Marlin
06. #15 Michael Waltrip
07. #97 Kurt Busch
08. #21 Ricky Rudd
09. #08 Dale Earnhardt Jr.
10. #02 Rusty Wallace
11. #19 Jeremy Mayfield
12. #31 Jeff Burton
13. #29 Kevin Harvick
14. #88 Dale Jarrett
15. #24 Jeff Gordon
16. #12 Ryan Newman
17. #01 Joe Nemechek
18. #17 Matt Kenseth
19. #99 Carl Edwards
20. #06 Mark Martin
21. #05 Kyle Busch
22. #00 Mike Bliss
23. #49 Ken Schrader
24. #45 Kyle Petty
25. #04 Mike Wallace
26. #07 Dave Blaney
27. #136 Boris Said
28. #38 Elliott Sadler
29. #66 Hermie Sadler
30. #77 Travis Kvapil
31. #20 Tony Stewart
32. #10 Scott Riggs
33. #91 Bill Elliott
34. #25 Brian Vickers
35. #09 Kasey Kahne
36. #11 Jason Leffler
37. #07 Robby Gordon
38. #18 Bobby Labonte
39. #32 Bobby Hamilton Jr.
40. #44 Terry Labonte
41. #09 Johnny Sauter
42. #22 Scott Wimmer
43. #43 Jeff Green
NASCAR Nextel Cup Points Standings Through Martinsville [4/10/05]
01. Jimmie Johnson (977 Points – Leader)
02. Greg Biffle (817 Points – 160 Behind)
03. Elliott Sadler (795 Points – 182 Behind)
04. Mark Martin (779 Points – 198 Behind)
05. Tony Stewart (774 Points – 203 Behind)
06. Jeff Gordon (772 Points – 205 Behind)
07. Rusty Wallace (771 Points – 206 Behind)
08. Ryan Newman (753 Points – 224 Behind)
09. Kurt Busch (746 Points – 231 Behind)
10. Dale Jarrett (732 Points – 245 Behind)
NASCAR Nextel Cup Points Standings Through Texas [4/17/03]
01. Jimmie Johnson (1142 Points – Leader)
02. Greg Biffle (1007 Points – 135 Behind)
03. Rusty Wallace (905 Points – 237 Behind)
04. Kurt Busch (897 Points – 245 Behind)
05. Jeff Gordon (895 Points – 247 Behind)
06. Sterling Marlin (883 Points – 259 Behind)
07. Mark Martin (882 Points – 260 Behind)
08. Elliott Sadler (879 Points – 263 Behind)
09. Ryan Newman (873 Points – 269 Behind)
10. Dale Jarrett (853 Points – 289 Behind)
[Credit All: NASCAR.com & ESPN]
Track Profile: Phoenix
Phoenix International Raceway, nestled in the heart of the “Valley of the Sun” is perhaps the most unique oval track on the NASCAR Nextel Cup series. Unlike other D-oval tracks, Phoenix’s start/finish line is on the “back stretch” like front straightaway; the tri-oval configuration of the track actually serves as the back stretch, making the groove coming out of Turn 2 very, very loose and fast. The speeds are quite fast for a mile track, but the unique configuration actually lessens the chance of serious crashes that you would see at other monster miles like Dover and New Hampshire.
Ever since its inaugural NASCAR Winston Cup race in 1988, Phoenix has probably been the most intimate track on the NASCAR circuit, geographically speaking. The track is, quite literally, in the middle of a bloody desert, for crying out loud. The atmosphere is quite unique here in Phoenix, but the fans are the real winners. No where else (sans the Road Courses) can fans camp out on a hillside to watch the NASCAR boys go round and round. Of all the tracks on the NASCAR circuit, Phoenix is one of the great ones.
Race #8 of 36: Subway Fresh 500
Date: Saturday, April 23rd, 2005 from Phoenix, Arizona
Time: 7:30 PM (EST) on FOX
Pole Sitter: Jeff Gordon (133.675 MPH)
Distance: 1 Mile (315 Laps – 315 Miles)
2004 Winner: None (First Spring Race at Phoenix)
Busch Race Winner: Greg Biffle
Okay, boys and girls, it’s a Saturday Night Duel in the Desert! Eh, it gets better, I promise. The track is the unofficial home for the “anyone’s race” stigma; there’s not one driver that has a clear cut advantage here, and that makes Phoenix a very cool race to watch. With the NASCAR boys now racing here twice, we may in the future get a more clear-cut picture of who runs better here and who doesn’t, but for now, all we can do is look back at former winners at the track. Of course, one should look no further then Jeff Gordon, who qualified for the pole in tonight’s race. Unfortunately for Gordon fans, be reminded that no one has ever one from the pole position at Phoenix. Just food for thought. Speeds will be fairly fast early on, but this is one of those tracks that rely heavily on the tires. Pit stops may very well decide who comes to victory lane tonight, though one of those trademark “Holy Crap” finishes aren’t out of the question, either. Junior won here last year, and he’s been improving somewhat as of late. Who else smells a junior for Little E? Yeah, neither did I, so I’ll go with the total B.S. pick and say…
Predicted Finishing Order
1. Michael Waltrip
2. Greg Biffle
3. Kurt Busch
4. Mark Martin
5. Ken Schrader
NASCAR Nextel Cup – Bud Qualifying Results from Phoenix
01. Jeff Gordon
02. Kurt Busch
03. Greg Biffle
04. Bobby Labonte
05. Brian Vickers
06. Tony Stewart
07. Ryan Newman
08. Jeremy Mayfield
09. Rusty Wallace
10. Kevin Harvick
11. Carl Edwards
12. Jimmie Johnson
13. Joe Nemechek
14. Kasey Kahne
15. Dale Earnhardt Jr.
16. Scott Riggs
17. Matt Kenseth
18. Jason Leffler
19. Bobby Hamilton Jr.
20. Jeff Burton
21. Dave Blaney
22. Mark Martin
23. Mike Bliss
24. Travis Kvapil
25. Clint Bowyer
26. Johnny Sauter
27. Kyle Busch
28. Michael Waltrip
29. Kevin Lepage
30. Ken Schrader
31. Sterling Marlin
32. Casey Mears
33. Elliott Sadler
34. Jamie McMurray
35. Dale Jarrett
36. Scott Wimmer
37. Jeff Green
38. Ricky Rudd
39. Kyle Petty
40. Stanton Barrett
41. Carl Long
42. Mike Wallace
43. Robby Gordon
[Credit: NASCAR.com]
Unofficial Inside Pulse NASCAR Power Rankings [4/10 – 4/16]
01. Greg Biffle
02. Jimmie Johnson
03. Rusty Wallace
04. Mark Martin
05. Jeff Gordon
06. Kurt Busch
07. Sterling Marlin
08. Carl Edwards
09. Ricky Rudd
10. Kyle Petty
Guys that Make Me Look Good: The Bottom 10
01. Bobby Labonte – Bad Luck has been the Interstate Batteries Crew’s downfall.
02. Ryan Newman – Qualifying Prowess makes not a winning combination for Newman.
03. Brian Vickers – I have nothing witty to add here.
04. Robby Gordon – Robby has apparently forgotten how to drive since last year.
05. Matt Kenseth – Where exactly has the 2003 NASCAR Cup Champion gone? This guy isn’t him.
06. Jamie McMurray – The sophomore slump has turned into a junior-sized drought.
07. Tony Stewart – See Labonte, Bobby.
08. Michael Waltrip – Like Junior, Mikey is coming around, but he’s still going to have to step it up.
09. Dale Earnhardt Jr. – He’s getting better, but Junior is still well off the pace.
10. Kasey Kahne – Several good finishes are slowly starting to improve Kahne’s status.
Redneck Theatre Proudly Presents: Stroker Ace!
This here be the obligated “bi-monthly” (ha ha) Redneck section of the column, where I take a look here at a racin’ movie from the past. This of course means that by August or so, I’ll be out of movies to rant on. Nevertheless, we take a look today at an American classic, one that was screwed out of the Best Picture Oscar that we all know was rightfully theirs! I’m talking about Stroker Ace, the Smokey and the Bandit film of NASCAR! (Applause!)
The Stars of the Cast
Burt Reynolds … Stroker Ace
Ned Beatty … Clyde Torkle
Jim Nabors … Lugs Harvey
Parker Stevenson … Aubrey James
The Plot
Hot-shot NASCAR driver Stroker Ace (now that’s a bloody name for you, Mr. Reynolds) is on the pinnacle of the food chain, if you will. Along with a throwaway blonde character that may or may not be Loni Anderson, Stroker seeks to upstage his car owner and promoter, Clyde Torkle (Beatty) by rebelling against the establishment, and then trying to get the blonde chick in the sack. No, seriously, IMDB.com’s movie plotline says that. Anyways, Stroker comes into a feud of sorts on the track with Aubrey James (Stevenson), who tries to upstate Mr. Ace at every turn. It’s only through Burt’s charm, and help from, of all people, JIM NABORS (GOMER PYLE! SCORE!) that Burt wins the day, gets the girl in the sack, and gets out of his deal with Chicken… something or other, who cares. (If you’ve never seen the Andy Griffith Show, and know not who Gomer Pyle is… you’re either not Southern, or you’ve been living under a rock for a dog’s age).
The Memorable Crap
This movie is very much like racing as it was back in the 1980s: sucky. Okay, that’s not a fair assessment of NASCAR in the 1980s, but the movie still blows very, very hard. Jim Nabors does the neighborly thing and punches Stroker out at one point for something, I think. Hell, I didn’t plan on sitting through this pile of garbage again, so back off! The only scene I remember, except from the mildly amusing “Upside” down finish, was when Burt started to undress an unconscious chick. But then it gets a little too creepy for comfort, so we just hit that there fast-forward button until we get back to grease and Kyle Petty cameos. Yes, Kyle Petty appears.
Race Day Analysis
The movie, like a good parasite, knows not to kill its host outright, but merely to suck them dry at every opportunity. You see, Stroker Ace latches on to you like a good little disease, and it sucks the energy to rationalize what you’re watching until you’re a decomposing pile of sludge on the couch. However, bring plenty of Smirnoff with you when you watch, and you might just make it to the finish line! Good luck; I’m not watching this garbage again.
NASCAR Q & A
This is a feature that I’ve been working on for awhile now, as you all know. I was planning on adding this in with Know Your NASCAR, but the questions that I was coming up with really deserved their own little section. From now on, readers are welcomed to (and encouraged to) send your questions in, and I’ll answer any and all of them that I get, so long as I don’t run out of questions to answer. This week, we take a look at a couple more interesting FYI facts that you may find interesting.
Q: How much of your column contains new material?
A: Depends on what you mean. In today’s world, it’s really hard to get your own news bits without traveling around with the NASCAR boys every Sunday afternoon, so you have to find your sources somewhere. Then again, if you’re referring to how much I recycle in columns, very little, actually. Sometimes it’s painfully obvious, but on average, only 7-10 % of material in a Speed Addicts column is recycled from previous weeks.
Q: Why are there no speedometers in stock cars?
A: Eh, I don’t know why they aren’t in the cars. One would speculate that NASCAR just likes to be complicated in their procedures, but the real reason probably has something to do with the level of RPMs that a driver is turning around the racetrack. These “stock cars” are not super vehicles that can stand up to anything; they have their limits too, and if you push the engine too hard, for too long, it will blow up. Drivers have to watch their tachometers to make sure they’re keeping it under the red line.
Q: Will tracks like Dover and Phoenix ever be abandoned?
A: Hard to say, really. Dover is probably secure because of its profitability and seating (Dover is very much a prototype of Bristol as far as crowd capacity goes. Phoenix is more or less saved by its geographical uniqueness, and because of the over-sized market that is Phoenix – Southern Arizona/California. Tracks like New Hampshire are much less certain about their futures.
Q: I heard that the Daytona 500 next year is under the lights. Do you like this move?
A: I’ve said it before, in a previous column: I’m kind of two-sided on this one. Night racing is great, and the primetime coverage of the 500 would be spectacular. Still, it makes it hard for columnists to stay up late on Sunday nights to get something in to the papers for the early edition on time, you know? I’m status quo, that’s all.
Q: Why are cars in NASCAR referred to as “stock” cars?
A: This more or less has to do with the origins of the sport, when regular street cars were at one time converted into race cars. If you watch old footage of NASCAR Grand National/Winston Cup races, you can tell that the cars of yesterday look much more like street cars (for their time) than do the modified cars you see today.
Speed Addict’s GREEN/WHITE/CHECKER!
Once again, the fine folks at Speed Addict Central bring you a brand-spankin’-new edition of Green/White/Checker! In case you missed it two weeks ago, Speed Addict’s Green/White/Checker! is basically our answer to the “What’s In/What was Five Minutes Ago/What’s Deader than Ashlee Simpson’s Career”. Every week, we’ll take three fascinating points from NASCAR and/or the figures in the news, and basically praise or trash them. And, before the two or so people that read this ask, Green stands for “What’s In”, White stands for “What’s on the Way Out”, and I think you can deduce the rest from there.
GREEN – Racing under the lights in NASCAR
Holy crap, he actually uses a NASCAR story in the NASCAR themed feature! Someone call the Church, it’s a miracle, yo. If you’re not a regular to this column, and you somehow made it this far without laughing all the way up to the back button on your browser, it should be known, or made known once more that I absolutely love racing under the lights on Saturday night. It’s just about the greatest thing in NASCAR to see 43 cars racing door-to-door on Paperclips and Manhattan-sized monsters in the dark. The way the lights beam off the cars, it sort of makes a quasi-silhouette effect, making the cars seem to be going in slow motion and really fast at the same time. It’s just a neat experience to watch… but that’s not to say that I want to see it every single week. I enjoy doing other things on Saturday night like the rest of us, and since I’ve got to cover these things, it can be a drain on people more important than I that have to get newspaper editorials in on time and all. Well, that apparently means little to NASCAR, because one more race track has just gone nocturnal. This year’s season finale in Homestead is going to be run under the lights, as you may have read above (or heard on ESPN Sportscenter this past week). Phoenix tonight isn’t really a night race, since the start time out west is at 4:30 PM, but it’s technically a night race since we’ll be watching well past 11:00 PM here on the east coast. With the news about the Daytona 500 now going under the lights, and the race for every oval track on the circuit to upgrade (or install) their own light systems, it appears that more and more races are going under the lights in the future. As long as they keep the lights out of Sonoma-Infineon and Watkins Glen, we’re golden.
WHITE – My patience with the NFL Draft Hype (and the Gurus that Drool at the Thought of It)
Guys, it is APRIL. If I gave a crap about the NFL in April, I’d be more open to discussing it. I mean, granted, I absolutely love the NFL, and really think the season goes by way too fast. But still, in this particular month, there are five things, and five things only that get my attention: MLB Opening Day, the NBA Playoffs, the NHL Playoffs (R.I.P.), the birthday that brings me one step closer to Vegas, and… oh, right, NASCAR. Now then, I can see why some people cream themselves over the whole deal, since it is the NFL and diehards have little to do in between Training Camp and the Pro Bowl. That’s why you ought to follow my lead and follow every major North American sport out there (yeah, Eric, even Golf, but only the Majors if you’re a redneck). If you watch Basketball and Hockey in the winter, Baseball and NASCAR in the spring and summer, and football in the fall, you’ll never have to waste your time worrying about who San Francisco drafts in the 5th Round with the 199th Pick. It just gets old, real fast to hear Boomer and Golic talk about the Draft for two straight weeks. Nothing drastic is going to change; you know that Alex Smith is going ahead of Aaron Rogers, Mike Williams will probably fall out of the Top 10. This year’s draft is rather shallow, which is why people seemingly wont stop going ga ga over it. Ye gods, guys. Try taking up something a bit more interesting than watching the Iron Fist announce a million picks over the weekend and take up something more interesting. Like croquet or lawn darts, or something.
CHECKER – Speed Addict being taken seriously for his attempted internship bid.
Yeah. There’s like, uh, no way in Hell that I’ll ever be able to use any of my work here at Inside Pulse to prove that I could be a successful columnist at a newspaper or magazine, considering how terrible I am at actually getting NASCAR news across. That should prove to the masses (plus my two readers) that I write here because I love it here, and (Shameless Plug Forthcoming! Shield Yourself…) because Inside Pulse is, in my estimation, the best website out there. I’m not really using any sort of bias in my judgment, either, since I’ve been coming to Inside Pulse long before I got a gig here, and I frequented 411Mania/Wrestling long before IP came to be. I’m not writing here because I’ve got something to gain. That being said, watch Sports Illustrated or NASCAR.com offer me job after reading my crappy writing. At which point, Slayer and Widro get a 15% Cut, guaranteed.
Inside Pulse’s NASCAR Quarterly Special Preview
Since I need to make this bad boy just a wee bit longer, I want to take a few extra seconds to pass along a bit of a preview for Saturday’s IP NASCAR Quarterly Special. Hopefully in a few weeks when we hit the Halfway Point in the 2005 campaign, I can organize a more thorough column commemorating the event, as it would be. Of course, tomorrow’s little ring-ding of a column isn’t too bad, either. We’ve got plenty of garbage to pass along as reading material, and it includes:
* Comprehensive (and updated) 2005 driver profiles of the Top 35 in points.
* Reviews of all eight races to date, including a special preview of Talladega.
* Previews of new “Speed Addicts” column material arriving in the coming weeks.
* IP Quarterly Performance Awards – From Best Driver to Worst Kurt Busch Imitator!
* Ranking the 2005 Nextel Cup Race Schedule, from Speed Weeks in Daytona to Phoenix International.
* Special analysis from That NASCAR Guy and whoever else I can blackmail into appearing.
* More Kurt Busch jokes than you can shake a stick at.
* The definitive NASCAR Q & A, with an emphasis on the first quarter of the 2005 NASCAR Season.
I mean, guys, there’s nothing better than spending a Saturday afternoon with the guy who openly turned down an offer to travel to Miami over Spring Break (and thus miss out on the greatest “Redneck out of the Trailer Park” experience known to man) just to write for you, my adorable little chickadees. Okay, I couldn’t get the money together for the trip, but still, I would have turned it down for you guys, honest! Eh… okay, that’s a lie, too. Just read the damn column next week and put a smile on my face.
Victory Lap for the Pimps
Enjoy a Column from Porter! with a refreshing Coca-Cola with Lime and a copy of Jenna Loves Krystal!
You know something, I’ve got a friend from Ottawa, and he thinks that the Toronto Blue Jays will win the World Series this year. If it wasn’t for his maple syrup for pancakes, I would seriously start to question the useful purpose that Ontario serves for the greater good of mankind. I’ll let Scott Keith make the Toronto jokes, since I’m too busy pimping Pomazak. (Sorry, bro. I got nothing wittier to pimp you with).
This is normally where Eric’s obligatory pimp would go, and what a coincidence… Here it is.
And, honestly guys, if you didn’t know God’s pimp was coming, then you have no business making fun of my stupid column features! Not that anyone would, no sir. May Bowtie Wearing Man-Childs and Photoshop Be With You.
Victory Lane
That’s it for today, peeps. I hope you enjoyed this little incursion into the world of the Speed Addict, despite my having blown off last week’s column like, less than a week after I’d promised not to. Remember to check out the Subway Fresh 500 in Phoenix tonight on FOX, and then make sure to check back here Saturday for the Inside Pulse NASCAR Quarterly Special! Peace.
