The Midnight News 04.25.05

Hyatte!

Damn guy, haven’t seen you in a while. Was sitting bored at work and googled you, find this site with your advice column.

Have you given up wrestling columns?

Sorry to be out-of-date, but when WCW died, lost all interest. Just wasn’t fun to mock wrestling anymore. Wrote for whatever-dude till they went out of business, and started www.the7thlevel.com… Kinda of a write about anything sort of site, been building an audience.

I’ve been lurking around, trying to look up some of the ol guard to see hat they were up to. Erik Ashley, Trey Cnway, Twitmare, Sam Van Dam, f*ck, even Sean Shannon. It’s amazing how many have just vanished.

At any rate, glad to see you’re still plugging away.

You still charge 300.00 a month for writing services? 😉

Mike Capley

I have no clue who this guy is.

I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News…. not much in terms of top of the column e-mails to goof on… but I got news and hijinks and fun stuff to carry on about… so it’s a column… yes, I got myself a column! Go ME!

WHOEVER BOOKED LOCKDOWN SHOULD BE THROWN IN JAIL…

Wrestling’s largest afterthought, TNA, held a new PPV last night… with the HOOK being that every single match would be held in a cage!

No, I didn’t watch it… are you high?

But this is what I gathered from other sources, none of which I will credit because… well, f*ck them.

-The theme of the show was a giant prison, which is appropriate because it probably took ten minutes before even the simplest of Orlando fans realized just what a jam they were in.

-Chris Candido broke his ankle 2 minutes into his tag match with someone against someone and that dude who TNA is trying to make into their Rock… Sonny Siucky… safe bet Candido had his own stash of pain killers ready in back.

-Dustin Rhodes battled Bobby Roode for 15 minutes in a gimmick filled cage match…. think, if he had a choice, he’d go back to playing the sexually questionable fruit dressed up all in gold in a HEARTBEAT then work for his Pop here?

-Raven fought Jeff Hardy in a “Hey, I forgot about those two, how come they ain’t on Raw anymore?” match.

-America’s Most Wanted continues to be the Most Wanted pair that America REALLY isn’t looking too hard for.

-Chris Daniels and Primetime pay homage to Backyard feds and the skinny morons who work them.

-Jeff Jarrett, Billy Gunn, Monty Brown fights DDP, Sean Waltman, and BG James in a 1997 MONDAY NIGHT WARS DREAM FANTASY MATCH… with some black dude who’s sort of over but not really

-AJ Styles makes Abyssmal look somewhat less “mal” than usual… and once again wins the hearts of the 123 people who ordered this show. He would’ve stayed to celebrate but he had to get to Mobile, Alabama for a HUGE housepanting gig that starts Monday morning.

And that’s it… I miss Goldylocks… she was a trampy little pig… the kind of face you SHOVED in the pillow as you… well, you know…. or maybe you don’t know… virgins. Nice… heroin rat thing going with her… yeah.

Oh, and Nash is God, still. You all missed him here and YOU KNOW IT.

Moving on…

HARDY, HAR HAR

Have you read EXACTLY how Matt found out? Pretty cool story that I got (but I can’tr cut and paste because the guy who runs the site is a douchebag… but he’s a buddy so it’s okay) here at the Declaration of Independents site . Two cell phones… irate carrying on… heartbreak…. drama…. God love it.

Anyway…. then Matt Hardy’s site became the center of the IWC UNIVERSE… with a special appearence by Lisa Edge… who’s lawyer LITERALLY has dollar signs in his eyes and every time he smiles, a cash register rings from out of nowhere.

So the score so far is…. Hardy is fired, Lita isn’t, and Edge is getting pushed… the IWC is enraged, EVERY asshole is calling these strangers by their first names as if they are close, personal friends, and as far as I can tell, only FLEA has pointed out that maybe Matt isn’t exactly 100% innocent in all this…

Quote the Fleabag:

Rules Re: Getting Cheated On…man.

1. It’s your fault. Always.

2. Even if you think you didn’t do a damn thing wrong, you did.

Boy’s got a point.

Anywhoo… Lita’s getting booed out of MSG, (and thank CHRIST Stratus was there to save the segment… imagine if it was… I don’t know… BENOIT?!?!?! his HEAD would’ve exploded), Matt is happier than a Nun in a cucumber patch and Vince is furious that things aren’t going away nice and quietly…

Well, I’d like to talk to Matt Hardy personally… there is actually a chance he’s reading this because… well, he reads EVERYTHING… even 411 for chrissakes… so this message is to Matt Hardy… ready?

Dear stupid,

Shush. Stop it. Shut up. Zip it. Quiet. SHH SHHHHHHHHHHHH you!

No more yapping. No more whining. Stop. HUSH.

You are doing the one thing that management hates more than ANYTHING… you are communicating through the INTERNET… STOP IT. STOP TALKING!! STOP TYPING!!!

Moron… you’re NOT FIRED… you are on LEAVE. Understand? They WILL take you back, eventually… they took Sable back. They’d take Lesnar back if he wasn’t such a pill. They’d take anyone back. You are well liked in the company. Everyone’s on your side personally… what they did they did for BUSINESS. To calm things down some. They got too much $$ invested in Edge, and he’s over (yes, yes he is). So he’ll be sticking around.

Lita, on the other hand… here’s the deal on her: She isn’t over, she isn’t generating money, people hate her. She’s a lousy face and Trish has the market cortnered on being a resident Heel chick, so that’s not an option. The girl is unreliable, she’s ALWAYS getting crippled and costing the company money. She can’t be trusted to work a long term program because she’s always getting injured… and she really isn’t that good a wrestler.

Oh, and without the Hardys, she isn’t exactly HUGE.

Despite what Meltzer (and thus, everyone) says, Stratus is actually ON the European tour… from what I’ve heard… just cuz she isn’t working didn’t mean she wasn’t there for promo work and the like… or at least to make some money. She worked the tour injured… Lita was told to stay home. Why do you think?

Because she’s on her way out! Wrestling is, and always will be a man’s sport… eventually, management will listen to the MASSIVE public outrage and boot Lita… and guess who will be invited back for a HUGE money feud with Edge (or not… but the offer will be put down).

You, pal. You’ll get back in. There’s serious money in an Edge/Matt feud… make it a shoot if you want! If you want to work with him (or on him), it’ll be there for you. Everyone likes you, kid. Whether they thought you can draw is another question, but you were a willing, eager, ENTHUSIASTIC…. they notice that.

None of this you aren’t fully aware of.

Look dude, I know what it’s like to be pissed at an ex and want revenge and to take glee in her misfortunes… Hell, I have an online stalker who’d doing that right now. You had your fun, did your gloating, watched the fans get your back on live TV and shake the girl up… it won’t stop either. But if you want to go back one day, and one day SOON… you’ll have to think with your BIG head now and understand that you are making it very tough for Vince to WANT to take you back… you are bitching and moaning and whining about it ON THE WEB!! To a bunch of people who DON’T deserve to be privy to this. You’re crowing to WEB KIDS… we don’t KNOW what do do with ourselves when a real wrestler actually acknowledges us. We end up calling everyone by their first names.

Shut up now. Clamp it. Sit quietly, twiddle your thumbs and wait for Lita to be shown the door… then wait for the phone call. They’ll have you back. They will…

Because all of the sudden, you’re sort of OVER, you sumbitch… for the first time you’re REALLY over. Getting dumped and humiliated might be the best thing to ever happen to your career!

Now NO MORE SPEAKING!

Sincerly yours, Hi8

There… a little sense.

THE BRAND SPLIT IS BETTER FOR YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of all these IDIOTS claiming that the Brand Extension should be discontinued and re-combined. Thus, I give you this ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good reason why the Brand Extension is THE BEST THING THE WWE HAS DONE IN YEARS (other than hire Stratus), and why useless sheet writers like Wade “I subsist on Bruce Mitchell’s semen” Keller and worthless net writers like Dave “I look just like Randy Orton” Scherer have shown their TRUE “intelligence” by holding onto this cheap, rushed, complaining for the sake of complaining ideal.

Pay attention and you’ll understand why you dumb f*cking sheep are listening to morons.

The Brand Split Is Better For You Because…

You REALLY want Heidenreich showcased on TWO shows?

THIS HAS BEEN “THE BRAND SPLIT IS BETTER FOR YOU” STARRING RAW AND SMACKDOWN! WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER

*If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.*

And just like that, you’re smarter than you were three seconds ago

Hyatte LIVES to inform.

Yeah, find yourself a scorpion and get close enough to try that.

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA

Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true… more or less:

WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON…

Dusty Rhodes book Reflections of an American Dream?

Dusty Rhodes would be better off faking his own death!

Flea, who would very much like you to read THIS and of course THIS… clearly, I’ve taught the boy well

That’ll earn me a cussin’

Speaking of the American Dream

REFLECTIONS OF… THE WAY RASSLIN’ USED TO BE…

I read Dusty Rhodes: Reflections of An American Dream recently.

Noooo I won’t be reviewing it, and it will NOT be a part of the Book of the Whenever I Get To It Club (returning soon!!!). You can read a perfectly serviceable review of it right here.

No, what I’d LIKE to do is pull quotes from it… I got wrestling quotes AND across the board stuff right below… so let’s make this a TRIFECTA of segments where quotes are pulled! YEAH!!

Anyway, Dusty somehow, someway, with his ego, managed to agree to condense his entire life story into 250 pages… but nestled throughout those 250 pages were some fun little nuggets from Big Dust… some bon mots if you wheel… of which I’d like to share with you right now….

“So that’s how I ended up fornicatin’ with Dick Murdoch’s belly button”

“I still say Babydoll is someone’s daddy!”

“I tried to coach Flair on how to use ‘WOOOOO DADDY’ as his catchphrase… if the sumbitch only listened, he would’a been someone”

“So I tol’ Foley that the only way he’d ever be someone is to learn how’ta crash into things.”

“I warned Brody not to go to Puerto Rico, crazy sumbitch never listened.”

“I warned Magnum not to buy that Porshe, crazy sumbitch never listened.”

“I warned Owen not to climb those damn fool rafters, crazy sumbitch never listened.”

“Bischoff came to me for all his big decisions.”

“Vince’s Daddy paid me to stay away from the WWF, he would’a took it all over.”

“To this day I can’t believe I ate the whole thing.”

“I drew more money than Hogan.”

“I tell ya, things ssre would’a been diff’rent if Crockett marketed ‘Dusty-Mania’ like I suggested.”

“Hell, fillin’ up the Silverdome wasn’t that big a deal. Would’a done it myself if I didn’t fear the blacks”

“I tol’ Vince I’d get polka dots over!”

“My elbow has healin’ powers, Daddy.”

“Don’t tell him I said this… but I ain’t a hunnert percent sure who Dustin’s momma is.”

“Don’t tell him I said this… but I might be Dakota’s Daddy.”

“The NWO didn’t take off ’till I joined.”

“I tol’ Vince to expand… he would still be booking Bruno out of Boston if it weren’t fer me.”

“I made Ted Turner billions.”

“So I said to LeVesque, ya gotta get to New York and rope in Vinnie’s daughter!”

“Missy didn’t think she’s get her whole titty up my ass, but we worked all night on it.”

“I tried to introduce Abdullah to a nice salad once, he stabbed me with his ding dong fork”

“The only Dusty finish I know of was when I made a mess all over Woman’s belly!”

“Nikita liked to stick his ‘Russian Sickle” down Tony Schiavone’s throat every night!”

“I could’a cured cancer if I weren’t so busy savin rasslin'”

Just a few lines… amazing stuff…

Just a common man.

A LIVE MIC = DANGER

I’m sort of running low on these, which might be okay since I’m not sure how much longer I’ll…. oh nevermind.

01): Getting beaten up by those nine cheerleaders in Syracuse…. that’s going to feel like Breakfast at Tiffany’s when you step into the ring with the Excellence of Execution.– Bret Hart to Shawn Michaels, 1996 Slammy Awards

02): How many Cage Matches have you been in, Gorilla?

I’m not entirely sure. I’ve tried to block them from my memory.

Trying to forget all those losses?– Johnny Polo (Raven) and Gorilla Monsoon, 1993

03): It is ironic that Super Crazy is a television champion, because when he was a kid in Mexico, he only had two channels: on and off. -Joel Gertner, during a Crazy/Whipwreck match

4) Another slow count…– Bobby Heenan, about a referee

At least he’s consistant– Gorilla Monsoon

Yeah, he does everything wrong– Heenan

05): Nature Boy Ric Flair! What you see now is the back page of a book, that has begun to be written. But what you see now is the story that shall be told. Two different endings, one as I stand now, one half of the Ultimate Maniacs. You and Razor Ramon at Survivor Series will find out that the Macho Man Randy Savage, and The Ultimate Warrior are gonna take the Ultimate Maniacs to the limit. But for the WWF gold I still stand only as an Ultimate Maniac. Enjoy all the royalties of the unwritten book for as long as you can Nature Boy, for not you, not Razor Ramon, not even you Mr Perfect can write the picture perfect ending…Against the Ultimate Warrior.– The Ultimate Warrior: 1993

06): When I realized what disturbing behavior was occuring over here I had to come over and tell you people NO MORE! I mean people should travel to Europe to visit Big Ben or the Eiffle Tower. Instead they get a public newspaper with naked girls on page three. This publication is sold to children, you should all be ashamed of yourselves. But dont worry because I will be your Martin Luther King. I will be your Winston Churchill. And it starts tonight as Commissioner Regal has allowed me to censor the womens’ battle royal. And I am here to announce the womens’ battle royal is canceled. So now ladies come on out and show these people that you can change your ways. First, please come out Jackie.

(Jackie comes out)

Now, if she’s not too busy pushing her breasts up, please bring out Trish Stratus.

(Stratus comes out)

And finally, the most disgusting person in the WWF: Lita!– Steven Richards (RTC Gimmick): Insurrextion: 2001

07): When I have a heart attack, it will be on top of your girlfriend.– Ric Flair to Eric Bischoff: Nitro

08): He’s the kind of guy who would stab you in the back and then have you arrested for carrying a concealed weapon– Jerry Lawler

09): How appropriate. We’re here in ‘Mini’ and I have a return match with Rey Mysterio. Pretty funny, huh? Get it? Rey Mysterio being MINI? You know, short? Oh come on, people, that’s funny! It’s a heck of a lot funnier than me gettin’ the stinkface last week! Oh yeah, people were YUKKIN’ it up then, they thought it was HILARIOUS! Well, I’ll tell you what’s NOT gonna be so funny – what I’m gonna do to Rey Mysterio tonight. You people like Rey Mysterio, huh? That figures…since most of you would benefit from wearin’ a mask yourselves – oh ya! You betcha! And Chris Benoit…if I even SEE you laugh at me again… Chris Benoit, if I even see you laugh at me again, there’s gonna be TWO holy unions tonight – Billy & Chuck…and your face and my fist! And Rey Mysterio…I want you to remember one thing: You’re a boy – in a man’s world. And I’m a man who LOVES to play with boys – no no no wait a minute, wait a minute, shut up! Hold on, no no no, shut up, hold ! on a second! Hold on a second! What I meant to SAY…listen! Mysterio! Rey Mysterio, what I meant to say… is you’re a boy, and I’m a man, and tonight I’m gonna LOVE to manhandle you. No wait a minute!! Hold on a second, hold on a second, hold on, shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Rey Mysterio! You remember this, pal: you’re a boy, and I’m a man! And when you and I get together here tonight, I’m gonna get on top of you and– Mysterio get your butt out here, ’cause I’m gonna kick your butt!– Kurt Angle

10): I had a twenty-five dollar payoff coming and he took ten dollars out to play the horses. I asked him, “Doesn’t that make you feel bad, taking my money?” He says, “Son, after you steal your first twenty-five thousand, your conscious don’t bother you anymore.”– Don Leo Jonathan, on working for Toots Mondt

Ahhhhhhhhh you gotta love old school guys you never heard of talkin’ about days gone by…

And yet, why do I get the feeling times haven’t changed all THAT much?

Maybe cuz’ they HAVEN’T!?!?!?!

Anyway, I’m ending things with an old favorite ’round these parts…

ACROSS THE BOARDS

What is this, you ask?

Well, I’ll tell you… in order to get a feel… a GLIMMER of what this… this IWC is currently thinking about in regards to big time pro rasslin!

Been doing it for years… and once again, it’s painfully clear that the IWCX ain’t thinking about much… all the same nonsense.

Still, it’s cutting + pasting = less original thought on my part… although pacing these comments so you get serious commentary with funny lines with sick lines does take some effort.

I went to… umm…. 5 boards this time out… I ain’t telling which, except for the top secret very special TORCH VIP MESSAGE BOARDS!!! WADE KELLER CAN CRAM MY BALLS DOWN HIS THROAT TO GIVE THAT MASSIVE ADAM’S APPLE OF HIS SOME ROOMATES!! I’M THE WEASEL IN YOUR GARDEN, WADE!!! DOESN’T THAT MAKE YOU MAD?!?!?!?!?!

Anyway… here is what’s on YOUR minds lately:

“Randy Orton wishes he was Edge.”

“The one thing about Trish that’s always intrigued me is that in over five years with the company, I’ve yet to hear a single rumor about her romantic life, either with another wrestler or someone from outside the company. Clearly, she’s gorgeous, and she’s always seemed to be a real humble, down-to-earth person to boot. What’s keeping her single? Is she so career-oriented that she feel she doesn’t have time for relationships right now? Is she just really good at keeping her private life private? Or does she have some horrifying secret flaw that none of us know about that keeps guys away? Let the speculation begin.”

“If Hunter wins the belt I am giving up on the WWE.”

“WARGAMES baby, WARGAMES!!!!! Oh, and John Cena stinks.”

“I will have sex with you for money.”

“Have any people posting defending promoter X, bashing booker Y, ever considered that maybe, just maybe, people swallowing their egos and working together could lead to a better product, better gains for everyone rather than just being destructive and fragmenting the markets?”

“Okay, I’m probably in the minority on this one, but Snitsky has been curiously absent from Monday Night RAW the past couple of weeks. Is it due to injury or is he one of the next ones on the chopping block? Say it isn’t so! I need my Snitsky fix!”

“April Hunter-From the waist to the neck she’s hot, rotten looking teeth and shoulders like a dude, square ass but is the best woman wrestler on the indys.”

“Will New Jack be stabbing anybody at this show?”

“Matt apparently has a new girl already, and she makes Lita look like…well, LITA.”

“Sorry guys I was jerking off to Lords of the Ring so much that I decided to create my own little Trish interview that doesn’t even exist. Of course I won’t apologize for falsely reporting the news but hey, I’m Mike Johnson.”

“If you ever act like you did last week I will slap your skinny little ass. You look like you have a severe case of HIV. Try eating some food from Preperation H”

“The best ring rat is a dead ring rat.”

“What Will be the the title of Scott Keith’s next book?”

“‘Don’t Listen To Me, I’m Dumb'”

“I think that a lack of feathers was what kept Terry Taylor from really getting over as the Red Rooster.”

“Why hasnt TNA gotten their DVD’s distributed throughout the country in video stores? There’s tons of money to be made there. I mean, if ECW could get their videos out and didnt have the money that TNA does then why cant TNA get their stuff out there for curious and casual fans to pick up?”

“Billy Firehawk has been lying to wrestlers and telling them he is a booker for TNA and that he can and will get them jobs in TNA if they refuse to work for NWS , PWU and UXW as well as JAP.”

“I AM A VERY….VERY…VERY…BUSY MAN AND ITS HARD TO SIT AT A COMPUTER DAILY AND TYPE THIS WHILE I HAVE A 16 MONTH OLD ON ONE LAP AND MY 5 YEAR OLD SITTING ON MY SHOULDERS AND MY OTHER HAND ON MY FULLY ERECT WEINIER!”

“shut up u dumb mark you dont even know what embodiments means”

“Chris Masters could not be saved by any manager. He is just a ‘roided up freak who talks like Nicole Bass. Neither Heenan at his best or Paul Heyman could make me care about Chris Masters”

“All I know is where Taker is not: on my television on Thursday nights. And that’s not a bad thing; it’s a good thing.”

“A baby with Sara Undertaker’s face and Mark Undertaker’s forehead….a real looker.”

“Aren’t you guys forgetting that Cena has big guns, gets all the chicks and gets a huge reaction from the 32 people that regularly appear at all WWE shows?! VIVA!”

“I saw Fozzy at the House of Blues after a RAW taping last summer and I have to argue. Fozzy sucks. There was a few entertaining moments in their show but nothing I would ever pay money to see or hear.”

“I miss the Headbangers.”

“Brisco is among the most astute of the guys in management as far as scouting new talent. He follows college wrestling very closely and keeps an eye on potential new signees in the mold of Brock Lesnar and Kurt Angle, and even now he’s in contact with several guys like that who might end up signing with WWE. He’ll also probably always have a job with Vince because he and brother Jack sold their controlling interest in Georgia to Vince back in the early days of his initial national expansion.”

“I know he loves her and it is hard for him to lose her since he has been with her for about 7 years or something. But what i don’t understand is how this is all Edge’s fault and Lita is not to blame. Every message and post state that Adam is using her. Adam is brainwashing her. Etc. So basically Lita fell on Adam’s d*ck by accident? She sucked his balls because Adam made her? I don’t get it. Why doesn’t Matt call Amy feces? “

“Now the true measure of hotness: Would you lick Trish’s asshole if she asked you to? I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

“Hey,Guys & Gals! I want to start up my own fed! The best most hardcore backyard fed,you’ve ever seen! We can use my pool and have matches that start on the deck and the loser gets thrown in the pool. My gimmick is “Lawn Man”. I come out with lawn tools like a rake,shears,wear garden gloves. I am currently holding auditions for female valets? My mom doesn’t come home until 8pm so you can some over before that and audition in my room. See if you can cut a promo and what your gonna wear. I really think this will take off! I’ll make DVD’s for you guys too! Sell them at 10 dollars a DVD. Let me know what you think ok?”

“I’ve always pinpointed Goldberg-Hogan as the reason the company went under, if you *have* to pick one moment. They drew over 40,000 for Nitro and a match that only had a week of build. Had they built it for six months and put Starrcade in the Georgia Dome with a Goldberg-Hogan main, it would have been the biggest thing ever.”

“PLEASE DONT BRING BACK HARDY HES A HOMO….GERWICK GO CHOKE ON HYATTES MEAT BAT YOURE A NO TALENT HACK ALSO…..LITA DID THE RIGHT THING BY DUMPING MATT, EDGE IS A PROVEN WINNER WHILE MATT COULDNT GET AN ANGLE IF KURT GAVE HIM SLOPPY SECONDS ON HIS WIFE WHILE SHE WAS IN A K HOLE. MATT, PLEASE SEEK OUT JUSTIN CREDIBLE AND HE WILL HOOK YOU UP AT WAL-MART….I HOPE SHANNON MOORE IS NEXT, HE HAS WORSE FASHION SENCE THAN BASTION BOOGER”

“with Trish, she’s so good, I wish they’d pair her up with one of the main event heels. Like, put her with Evolution or put her with Orton when he comes back. She could be like Madusa was back during the days of the Dangerous Alliance. I think she could do more to make money at the main event level than she could making jokes about Lita and wrestling playmates.”

“all who think that alicia is hot are a bunch of ugly, desperate assholes who are just tired of using their hands and are trying to get into that huge dirty ass”

“I had a affair once. It was with my school teacher. Mrs. Albert. We surrended to temptation one day in detention. I was doing the chalk boards and she was correcting midterms. We made passionate love on Amy Sullivan’s science project. Let’s just say,Amy should thank me,she got a “A”. GAWD! I MISS YOU MRS. ALBERT XOOXOX”

“The Tarantula at least looks like it hurts. The 619 looks pretty lame when he hits a 260 pund guy and knocks him across the ring.”

“Siaki is nowhere is close to Rock or even where he was 5 years ago.”

“I feel most sorry for internet fans whose lives are so uninteresting that they obsess over the sex life of professional wrestlers. I mean, Edge is a pro wrestler, we should be glad that he wasn’t caught f*cking Snitsky.”

“Firemark is a asshole that will do anything to get himself and his shitty fed over. And he’ll give his wife up to convince whoever he’s trying to book if all else fails.”

“There is nothing better than a owner of a wrestling company calling a wrestler and marking out to them while they are trying to book them. No wonder why people take advantage of a easy target (money mark).”

“Valentina- See dirty skank in the dictionary, f*ckable but be careful because she has f*cked more men then Pat Patterson.”

“AJ Styles was in WCW in 2001. Calling him a homegrown TNA star is a stretch.”

“Dude..this is Shawn Michaels the man and pro wrestling the business. Michaels would suck off a Jesus look alike in mid-ring at MSG if he thought it would get him some money/glory and if Vince thought it would pop the crowd/a rating.”

“Among Heyman’s recommendations are using Atlas Security, using an ECW ring announcer, using the ECW referees, the old ECW entrance, no pyro and ECW ‘low rent lighting’, ‘probably down to even the vendors ECW used at the Hammerstein Ballroom’. Vince has talked to Mick Foley about wrestling on the show as Cactus Jack, but Foley is against it and would rather do stuff along the lines of his ROH stuff since he figures he’s only got a couple of matches left in him. The goal is to revive some of the ECW rivalries but they want guys who can have good matches, as opposed to the stuff being done lately on indies like in the Carolinas where they do the nostalgia shows but the wrestling is sub-par. The working idea is to build to a second show.

“Becky Bayless-Hot face and nice big soft looking implants but she’s in terrible shape body wise and can barely bump, she has banged Raven when she was underaged and Bily Reil and the rumor is Matt Striker also plus she just got used up by some indy guy who’s name escapes me.”

“My wife claims she saw a sign in the crowd that said ‘Lita, give Edge AIDS, love Matt'”

“Amazing it took TNA this long to get rid of a loudmouth average performer. Now will TNA please do everyone a favor and just fold so Daniels and Styles can back to ROH full-time.”

“OK, I’ll spill the beans: here’s the real scandal story on ROH: The owner of the company is an internet pedophile, who was caught on an IM trascript soliciting sex from a 14 year old, and was later caught on video showing up at the supposed child’s house…. Oh wait, that was LAST YEAR’s ROH scandal – luckily they got rid of the pedo in their company.”

“Go f*ck your fat wife”

“For the most part, my wife thinks of my wrestling fandom as some cute anomaly. She will go to the shows with me when they’re in town, and the few times she actually watches wrestling with me, it’s usually to crack on it.”

“I would let my child watch anything with the exception of hardcore pornography.”

“I basically agree with you in regards to older children, but little kids are f*cking stupid. It’s not like you can have real conversations with them.”

“If you didn’t enjoy tourettes Goldust I’m pretty sure you aren’t qualified to comment on pro wrestling in a serious way”

“It amazes me that anyone could think that it’s real considering the amount of cooperation that most every move in wrestling involves or the fact that two guys typically can’t slug each other in the face repeatedly without someone going down pretty quickly.”

“Lita should have been released just for sucking.”

“Sable’s pussy eats wrestling careers for breakfast.”

“Scary thought, that circa 2002/03, Hardy and Lesnar were possibly the newest and coolest things on Smackdown.”

“WWE’s demise would help the business. TNA is the best thing we have going but is having money problems. May the evil empire rest in peace and wrestling fans be able to enjoy WRESTLING, not sports entertainment.”

“BOYCOTTING OVER MATT HARDY? MATT HARDY? THATS LIKIE BOYCOTTING OVER RELEASING MARK HENRY OR EL GIGANTE!”

“admire Christian for not abusing the roids and for cutting some GREAT promos. the guy will be main eventing by the end of the year.”

“How dare you question my right to artificially inflate my post count!”

“Anybody here see Raven’s journal this month? (www.theraveneffect.com) Some fangirls wrote a weird story about competing to be queen of his website, so I went inside to see if there were any pictures of them. I recognized some of them from UXW. One weighs about 350 pounds, another about 180. One of them looks like she’d be at home on a broom, and another looks like a drag queen. Man, its kinda sad to see a guy who used to be such a stud reduced to this. Guess the only ones who’ll let him spank him these days are overweight ugly ring rats or valets who get paid for it.”

“Mr. Feinstein, it’s pretty obvious you’re fake posting. Please stop. Thanks.”

“So how does it feel that someone who wrote stupid shit on an internet message board as a joke was more entertaining than every single thing you spent hours on writing”

“Carlito’s Cabana is the greatest interview segment of all time. He makes The Highlight Reel look like a pile of puke.”

“Matt Hardy is no Chris Masters.”

“You act like you want them back together. I’m going to go on record right now and say Matt would be a FOOL to take her back. I will personally whip his ass MYSELF if he takes her back. He deserves better and she deserves…..whatever the fates have in store for her.”

“It really wouldn’t break my heart if Taker just never showed up again on WWE TV. Nothing he does entertains me in the least bit- everything he does is going through the motions, with his boring, bland, no selling, make everyone look bad character. I mean, really does he offer anything to anyone?”

“WXW WOMEN….BORING BORING BORING…..LILY SUCKS SAMOAN ASS AND HAS NO TALENT IN THIS BUSINESS…GO BACK TO MCDONALDS AND LEARN HOW TO SAY”YOU WANT SUPER-SIZE WITH THAT COMBO”….TALIA, WELL, I LIKE TALIA…..THE HILL-BELLIES, OOPS I MEAN THE MOON-SHINERS, ARE FAT AND DISGUSTING…AND OFFICER MERCY SUCKS CATTLE COCK…
HAHAHA”

“Actually, I’m quite bright. I have an undergraduate degree in finance from one of the country’s top 10 undergraduate business programs, and an MBA degree in finance & marketing from a highly respected graduate business program. I also have a high profile job on Wall Street and can buy you five times over. Before you insult someone’s intelligence, make sure you know who you’re talking to first. This is such a waste. Go back to player hating, ya douche bag.”

“Okay. I’m a mid-level associate at a big New York City law firm (the type of firm referred to as “BigLaw”). Now go do some research and you’ll learn (well, again, I’m not sure that’s even possible) that you can’t buy me, period, let alone ten, five, or even one time over. Care to take time to explain why Batista is not hated on the Forum, since we hate wrestlers who are over with casuals? Or are you unable to do so, and wish only to continue the ad hominems?”

“Put it this way. I have a friend who is a partner at Shearman and Sterling. I can buy him 5 times over and he’s big time. By the way, does your employer know that you’re posting on an internet message board everyday, all freakin day long? Remind me to never hire your firm to do any legal work for me. I don’t need to explain myself any further. I just don’t care enough.”

“Everytime I kiss my dirty wife, I taste Firecock’s african meat.”

“didnt we just see viscera on tv a few months ago getting beat down in like 3 minutes? now he can throw kane around like a rag doll? gotta love those continuous storylines….”

“If I were Trish I would be worried that one of the DIVA Search 2005 contestants will take my job.”

“I hope the romantic adventures of Viscera continue as a part of the show for a long time.”

“I never thought they would ever rehash the Chyna/Sexual Chocolate storyline.”

“Stephanie McMahon should be put on a world wide ban from ever again being allowed to buy pencils and paper!”

“Trinity-Butt ugly greasy face, super hot body and in the top 5 as far as wrestling skill goes, banged Kid Kash so she may need to be banged while youre wearing 3 condoms.”

“Tajiri’s already found a new ManBeast, in the form of William Regal! He may not have a Gore, but he’ll stretch you six ways from Sunday.”

“jasmin st claire let old men, limp men, fat men, and men of all colors screw her in every hole she has! so why not meanie?”

“You can have sex with a 14 year old and not go to jail. Not only that, but you can also still set up merchendise tables at wrestling shows, and run a video sales business. Fucking 14 year olds, and getting away with it, is the ‘in thing’ on the indy scene!”

“This is not an effective way to try and get laid.”

No… no it is not.

I’m done now. I’m going away. I MAY be back next week… I may not. It all depends. No, nothing BAD is going on… it’s just that I’m in deep, deep training for something personal, and I may need next Sunday for the last minute rush.

Being too vague? Well blow me, ain’t any of your business.

Oh fine, I’m getting bloodwork done, because apparently, I have HIV… who knew? That gay sex boy… it’ll mess you up.

Of course I’m just kidding… but that’s the story someone is trying to spread. I’d get mad if I wasn’t so flattered at the effort there.

Seriously, I’ll be spending the next week chasing a windmill… probably won’t add up to anything… probably won’t happen, but ya gotta take a shot once in a while kids… you know this.

So we’ll see if I show up next week. Keep yourselves occupied in the meantime.

This is Hyatte