The Crucifix


Well last week was certainly interesting, wasn’t it? Everyone and their mother had something to say about the Hardy/WWE situation, which blew up again because of the incident at MSG. My question is this: Did WWE really think that they could trot Lita out for an interview inside of IWC Arena and not have anything happen? C’mon seriously, you go to MSG and think we’ll give pops like the ones you get when you go to Japan or England? NO! We’ll shit on your product and make you say you enjoyed it. If it weren’t for that Trish Stratus girl, Lita would’ve cried. Which would’ve probably prompted someone from the crowd to do a run in. It’s NY, that’s how we roll. However, since Lita didn’t cry, I think it is my duty to make all of you laugh. So the following is credit of Sean Carless of

Now that’s Xtreme…on with the show…


– Eric Bischoff makes the JR-HHH match a no DQ and puts Batista in JR’s corner.
– Edge and Chris Benoit fought to a no contest.
– Bischoff makes Edge vs. Benoit with a Last Man Standing stipulation for Backlash.
– Trish Stratus apologizes to Lita, who seems somewhat distracted for some reason. Kane comes out to beat up on Trish and rape her while driving stick shift, but Viscera makes the save to the “Let’s go Mabel!” chant.
– Viscera talks to Trish and becomes Undead Sexual Chocolate in the process.
– William Regal and Tajiri def. The Heart Throbs.
– Shawn Michaels def. Muhammed Hassan via DQ. Hulk Hogan made the save.
– Chris Masters did his challenge and shockingly won.
– Shelton Benjamin def. Simon Dean
– Christian cuts a promo but is interrupted by Vince McMahon, who announces another draft in “about a month”. Christian, who should be a main eventer, tells Vince exactly that. He says if he goes to Smackdown and fights Cena he will “beat Marky Mark’s ass!” Vince makes Christian vs. Batista for next week.
– JR def. HHH due to interference from Batista.

The Raw Membrane

– Eric Bischoff is guilty of guaranteeing complete dog piss for a main event.
– The crowd is guilty of just being darn insensitive to Lita.
– The crowd is guilty of actually chanting, “Let’s go Mabel!”
– Hulk Hogan is guilty of violating the Arab Calvin Klein laws, which state no American can ruin a beheading and/or hanging.
– Chris Masters is guilty of wasting my time.
– Christian is guilty of being awesome.
– Vince McMahon is guilty of interrupting Captain Charisma.
– HHH is guilty of putting over fresh new talent.


– I had a ton of fun at this show, so seeing it on tape and realizing that it sucked on TV was good. Because at least I had fun while all of you hated your lives for two hours.
– I’m telling you, they can work Viscera to be a huge face. Revert to Mabel and we’re set.
– Funny how Kane turned heel and didn’t even know it.
– The Heart Throbs gimmick sucks the meat missile, but they are actually nice guys. They even did their dance in the parking lot after the show. Pictures to come on Thursday.
– Someone wrote on Matt Hardy’s message board that the chants for him were louder than Hogan’s pop. I call bullshit. Most of the people around me were like “Matt Hardy? What happened?” But when Hogan’s music hit, the place exploded like Saddam’s palace.
– Yes, he was hired, but the guy in the Masterlock Challenge looked a lot like Christian if you look at the tape. Also, I can break out of that hold.
– Here’s my message to WWE’s audio engineers and those in the gorilla position: Blow me biatches, stop holding Christian down. Chants for him were about as loud as the Hardy chants, but you don’t hear that on Raw, do you!? No! Because WWE is holding Christian down. By the way, it is my personal belief that Vince making the match for Christian against Batista was him calling an audible after he heard the reaction for Christian.
– So I’m supposed to enjoy paying money to see HHH vs. JR? Also, in another “editing” move, did you hear the “boring” chant? Because I didn’t. I thought Triple H could take a broomstick and make it look good…what happened?


I’m going to “SHAKE THINGS UP! Ow, I just tore my quad.” Seriously though, for Smackdown I am going to change things up for this week because I was there and stuff. So…

– Big Show vs. Booker T – I knew when Angle came out that they were going to make it all funky. Also the fact that they made it the first thing on the show said something.
– Carlito was like Smackdown’s Christian, over with MSG and WWE avoids it. How about listening to the fans?
– Matt Morgan, who came over to my section during the show for some reason, is interviewed and stutters like thithithis.
– Good to see The Bashams will turn soon, especially since The LatinoPowers are exploding and MNM need someone to fight.
– Section response to Morgan’s Suplex/Chokelam finisher: “What the f*ck was that?” My response: “His fififinifinisher.”
– Big Show and Booker T over JBL and Angle was fun, especially from the nicer view that PK, Double M and the crew had. Annoying to be moved by overzealous security guard. “Where’s your ticket?” Yea, I snuck into the Garden douche bag.
– Missed the Heidenreich thing but he got a good pop. Looked fun on TV.
– The silence during Eddie and Rey’s spat post match was more of the crowd waiting for them to actually go on offense against each other rather than a push fest.
– Just about a month ago, Batista was more over than Cena. 1 month later, Cena is over huge and Batista is sucking wind. Look at both shows. What does Raw have dominating it that Smackdown doesn’t? Oh…Triple something or other.

The Crown of Thorns

– Triple H will interfere in the main event, because he hates Batista and because Christian “hasn’t earned his spot.”
– Shelton Benjamin will jump Chris Jericho during a very special Highlight Reel with Victoria.
– Victoria will win the Intercontinental Title in the very next segment.
– Viscera will get some sweet lovin’ from Trish

– Kurt Angle will win the Fatal Four Way
– Eddie Guerrero will run over Rey Mysterio with his Lowrider.
– The Bashams will turn on JBL
– John Cena will rap and make fun of Angle.

Victoria rules because even though, seeing as how WWE is going, she is hanging onto her job by a thread, she can still bring it without complaining. Did you see her awesome two-second cameo last Monday? AWESOME!

Visit Victoria at

– For the time being, I’m not doing the Christy Hemme report. It was just stupid and something that came about because I was really bored. If you enjoyed it for some odd, masturbatory reason, you can submit Christy Hemme reports to me and I’ll post it.

– Speaking of masturbation, after I posted the Chris Jericho interview news, where he mentioned Joanie Laurer/Chyna’s c*** is bigger than X’s Pac, I got this email from Smitty:

He’s right on that one, I’ve seen the video and you could park a bread truck in that sinkhole with room to open the doors. – Smitty

I got that right after I ate dinner. Thanks Smitty! But then, when I wake up the next morning, I get these two from Smitty:

Not to mention the fact she has a (button) the size of a baby’s fist.


No, really dude, when XPac is snarfin on her it almost looks like he’s blowin a little boy.

These come after I eat breakfast. Now that I have horrible, horrible pictures running through my head, I go rent Blade:Trinity. The owner of the shop, knowing I’m a wrestling fan, calls me over to check out this tape. He shows me the box and I see Sean Waltman in front of what could accurately be described as the nastiest f*cking thing I have ever seen, Chyna’s penis. If you haven’t seen this, don’t go and see it. Just remember that when Chyna first started, she was more man than Triple H and the proof is on the box now and in the tape. Also, just remember that Triple H is the smartest man in the history of the universe for ditching Chyna and her penis for Stephanie and her McMammaries.

– Hyatte threw out an open letter to Matt Hardy, which was awesome. His column also provides a link to the updated, some say rumored, full story of the saga. Hardy should check out the letter.

– More Hardy shiznit, as he went on Opie and Anthony and buried Edge. Seems odd to me that Edge doesn’t have that many friends in WWE. I mean, he’s a piece of shit that’s been pushed in every way possible, much like Triple H when he went from gimmick to gimmick, he sleeps with people’s girlfriends, pours drinks on Divas, uses steroids and has one of the most annoying characters on the show. Gee, what would make people like him?

– As I mentioned, I caught Blade:Trinity and I’ll say this: If Triple H won’t job for a friggin’ arrow in the eye, there is no way in hell we’re getting rid of him. Unless we get to book the shows and constantly put him up against Rosey.

– I just got this as spam and will reprint it without editing, so you can share my pain: Imagine FarmGirls Imagine BarnLadies: Ughhh mohammed reacts veering the bike away at the last minute. We ride further down the trailHis aunt and uncle’s home was swept away by the tsunami the second a woman trapped within in a cake of debris made of palm fronds wood and mud.If you need to get permission from a proprietary software vendor in order to read modify and redistribute it as they see fit. Two brothers AThe father must be greg. Luckly We are already accomplishing. Only seem to go from bad to worse.They are unwilling to let go of yet. Weeks but the uk government being the way it is you never know…. She started telling me that How a life is preious and how it is god’s gift to a woman. That. He listened and talked to me for over an hour on the phone. Meanhile another group is deconstructing the debris pile from around the woman. He listened and talked to me Is knwledge? Finally see her face. Now Update passport arrived flight booked. She was afraid of me per se but of the actual toy itself. To worse.

Please, if I’m going to get spam, send me some good shit to read.

– A petition to get Kid Kash on the ECW: One Night Stand card can be found here. In response to the recent petitions to get wrestlers jobs, I’ve created the Stop The Bitching petition.

– Wrestlemania 21 looks like it did about 940,000 buys. Somehow Hogan will get the credit for this.

– A small “Voice Of This Person”:

North Babylon, L.I.: This is to Michael Smith and all the veterans who still condemn Jane Fonda for her actions during the Vietnam War: Get over it. This event happened 40 years ago, and the woman has many times apologized for it. Why don’t you channel your anger into doing something good for your country, such as protesting this unjustified was in Iraq? This war has done a lot more damage to your veteran brothers than Jane Fonda ever could. – Pamela Schneider

Well, screw you Pam Schneider! It’s the loony left like yourself that tried to screw our boys 40 years ago and it’s the jackasses like you that try to screw our morale now. Bravo to Michael Smith for spitting in Fonda’s face. Once a traitor, always a traitor. As for this “unjustified war”, just remember that if it wasn’t for the United States fighting the good fight, we wouldn’t be safe. We didn’t fight for 8 years of Blow Me Bill and what happened when he got out of office? But that must’ve been Bush’s fault because the left said so. Oh, and good luck running Kerry vs. Clinton for your primaries in 2008. He’s a veteran without any cajones and she’s a psycho that set a horrible precedent for women by sticking with her cheating husband. That and their both nucking futs. Good luck.

– The Yankees have been sucking and Boston is brawling with Tampa Bay…does that mean we’re less of a threat than Tampa at this point? That would suck.

– Test is ready to return to the ring, you can book him with the information here or just ask him nicely on MySpace.

– Lockdown was last night and I didn’t see it. So what better to do than give my opinion!

– I might rent this just to see Candido break his tibia and fibia. As an EMT, I’ve always loved that injury.
– Dustin Rhodes probably wants to shank himself at this point. “Hey son, can you wrestle under a hood, if you will…”
– Jeff Hardy against Raven in a “Sunday Night Heat Revenge” match sounded cool. Seeing Jeff throw himself through shit is always fun. Who would’ve thought that Jeff would be the employed one at this point?
– AMW seems to be needing some opponents. Cue The Heart Throbs!
– Still haven’t seen the original Cage Hurricanrana, but I would’ve liked to have read that they did it again.
– Nash..injured? FOR SHAME! Replaced by BG James? I think I’ll look at the Chyna/Waltman box again rather than watch this. Has anyone told Monty that they’ll never push him hard because he’s black yet? They should because that’s the only reason they’d screw him like they have.
– Like AJ Styles wasn’t going to win? Like he isn’t being used in the same manner as Benoit: Make someone look good. All he’ll be doing is jobbing to Jarrett so Double J looks better to the fans. Funny thing is it won’t work.

Overall, I just don’t think cage matches for three hours is a good idea. Also, knowing that all the guys who were once hyped by Todd Pettingill were in one match is disturbing.

– Now I got this as spam: While Hay Ride Girls Alot of Farmers Daughter: For a ew days. The picture in my passport makes it look like my face has been squished up against a bus. It first time so I Usman and dna are distraught holding up what may be the only proof that the boys ever lived What may be the nly proof that the boys ever lived I There are black bags everywhere.When eileen walks in. But LuckilyMohammed own family The hand on my shoulder and she turned me to look at her. If we offer informtion in a proprietary or patent-encumbered format then we are not just violating our own commitment to dom we are forcing others who want to use our allegedly knowledge to themselves use proprietary software. And uses it like a lever to loose the suction of mud attached to the body.S on april. How a life is precious and how it is god’s gift to a woman.So When eileen wlks in.

Am I supposed to be scared by this? If you’re trying to scare me, use killer horses, that’s some scary shit. If anyone can translate these emails, please do so and drop me a line.

Alright I’m done until Thursday. Enjoy Raw, I’ll be watching 24 while Triple H brings another show down. But never fear, the trusty VCR will save the day and give me a bit of your misery.