Hi everyone. Welcome back for another edition of the Guide, written by your loveable yet damn overworked movie news guy.
Real Life is Damn Entertaining
–ABC Isn’t Interested in Covering Iraq – Umm…..surprise?
–Bush Pressed Over Leaked UK Documents – This leads me to conclude that our Congress is blind, deaf, dumb and stupid.
You Mean Inside Pulse Talks About Stuff Besides Movies?
Turns out we do.
Wrestling – The Brits get ECW free for some reason next month, and…erm, a bunch of other stuff is going on. THE EDGE!!!
Games – It’s the week before E3, so guess where all the attention is….
Music – I’m not a big music guy at all – I listen to a little bit of everything. But if YOU are big into this kinda thing, you’ll fit right in with this crew.
TV – Complete coverage of all the popular shows like The Simpsons, American Idol, 24 and more.
Sports – I don’t do sports, but these guys do, and they do a hell of a job too.
Comics -These guys make me want to start collecting and reading comics again. A fantastic section that you’d be hard-pressed to find better elsewhere.
Figures – Grown men play with/collect dolls/figures. And you do too. Or you will after you check these guys out. So read them, because they’re a very fun section of our site.
Newz You can Use – And We Abuse
You know the deal by now. J. Kern and myself take most of the news from the week, post it here in one easy-to-find spot, and then commentate on/make fun of/rip it up. We’ve decided to stick with the format of talking about ‘interesting news’, partly because we’re pressed for time and partly because news is pretty slow and stale (Plus, implementing it now means I’m off the hook when there’s a lot of interesting news again). Joining us in mid-conversation….
Norty: I bet. By the by, this is probably our slowest newz week ever.
Kern: Slower than the Great Sci-Fi Drought of ’92?
Norty: I fail to see how that applys to us and newz weeks.
Kern: Slower than the Polyester Freeze of ’84?!
Norty: That applies to us even less!
Kern: Certainly no worse than the Rollerjam Lockout of ’76!
Norty: *Sigh*
John Woo and Clive Barker Team up
John Woo and Clive Barker will act as producers on Demonik, a proejct Barker also has the option to write. A treatment is currently making the rounds thanks to Woo’s Tiger Hill Entertainment. The franchise is set in a fantasy horror world, where Barker will also add his own unique touch to it. The video game already is under way from Tiger Hill, game developer Terminal Reality and game publisher Majesco. Barker is set to oversee the story, character designs and voice talent for the next-generation horror game as well as direct the in-game cinematics.
Kern: So … this is a video game?
Norty: I…no. It’s an upcoming franchise….
Kern: Like KFC?
Kern: Because, and don’t get me wrong, because i love Clive Barker… but the LAST PERSON ON EARTH i would buy a burger from is that guy.
Norty: KFC makes burgers?
Kern: i don’t need flying hooks coming out of my box of fries, thank you…
Kern: It’s a West Coast thing. You wouldn’t understand. ::throws up gang signs:: BK 4 LIF, word!
Norty: Very true. I see – you took franchise to mean fast food. No sir. It’s an upcoming horror film franchise, far as I can tell. Then again, these guys aren’t even definitely directing, so who knows.
Kern: Hmm … i suppose i could be down with a horror film franchise. They could serve a Michael Myers Melt … Kane Hodder Hot Dogs … Freddy Fries. Of course, for dessert, there’d be lady fingers …. MADE FROM REAL FINGERS ……of milk. And flour and sugar. Mmm … loves me some ladyfingers …
Norty: That a west coast thing too? Cannibalism popular out there? You guys are SUCH trend setters!!
Kern: Goddamn right.
Norty: Well, of course, thinking in my East Coast mindset, calling you guys trend setters is really code for freakishly ass-backwards.
Kern: You’re just jealous that we’re all so pretty.
Norty: True enough, I suppose. Back on topic Kern – you think Woo and Barker will make wonderful magik together?
Kern: Eh. i love them both; they’ve both done stellar work in the past … but it’s been a long time since i’ve seen anything watchable come from them.
Norty: Ohhhh – you don’t like Woo’s recent projects?
Kern: Why? Has he made another Hard Boiled?
Stallone Comments on Future Rambo Film
Sylvester Stallone appeared on the Don Imus radio show and plugged his new Fitness/Muscle book. He also confirmed that the next Rambo sequel will be based on a novel, and compared the film to classics’ Deliverance and Straw Dogs.
“They (the studio) optioned a book for Rambo IV. It’ll deal with a domestic problem. No head band.”
Norty: This is like the film no one wants to see made and yet no one wants to let it die, either. Except me. I would like to see Rambo 4 die before it’s born.
Kern: i wanna know what novel it’s going to be based on. If they were going for the bucks, i could see John Rambo chasing down the Holy Grail … although The DaVinci Code already got optioned…
Norty: Or Rambo discovering the Hitchhikers Guide?
Kern: Maybe it’s something a little softer … after all, Stallone is getting up there. Maybe it’s Tuesdays with Morrie. Rambo could be visiting this terminally ill guy who teaches him the meaning of life … AND kicks ass!
Kern: Yes, yes. Rambo in space would totally rock too.
Norty: Even better – have Rambo meet five people in heaven! “I’ll see you…..in hell.” What are you talking abo…..*BANG*
Kern: He could stick a babelfish in his ear and maybe we would finally be able to understand his mumbling!
Norty: How would that work? We’d need the fish…
Kern: That sounds like Constantine. Which means he could go the comic book route too. Although, honestly, i don’t see him doing anything deeper than a Jughead adaptation.
Kern: Sharon Stone as Betty tho … i would pay to see that.
Norty: Of all the comics to adapt…..couldn’t Rambo have a great kitchen counter conversation with Garfield?
Kern: “I hate Mondays.” “Maybe you’ll like them better … IN HELL!”
Norty: *BANG!*
Norty: Poor Sly……he should just wrap it up. Seriously now…
Kern: Of course, if we’ve finally devolved to the comics page, i’m all for awacky comedy romp, a la Tommy Lee Jones in Man of the House or Pacifier with Rambo taking care of the family Circus family… “Mr. Rambo just said the funniest thing to a terrorist! He said, “Eat ships and drive, Mother Flucker. Wouldn’t the terrorist be too full from all those boats to drive, Mommy?”
Norty: Sociecty as we know it is collapsing in on itself….
Kern: Tell that to the Devil … IN HELL!
Kern: ::shoots Norty in the face::
Goyer Talks MoreBatman
Batman Begins screenwriter David Goyer is interviewed in the latest issue of Premiere Magazine, and is surprisingly candid about plans for future sequels.
Basically confirming longtime internet rumors, Goyer is said to have told the magazine, “The next one would have Batman enlisting the aid of [Jim] Gordon and [D.A. Harvey] Dent in bringing down the Joker… but not killing him, which is a mistake they made in the first one. … In the third, the Joker would go on trial, scarring Dent in the process” and thus creating Two-Face. So, perhaps it’s still possible that fans will see Guy Pearce as Harvey Dent after all.
Kern: Thumbs up to Guy Pearce as anything Bats-related, but i’m withholding thumbs on the news of sequels. Generally, calling sequels before the first one even comes out chaps my ass. It’s saying, “You worms are gonna pay to see this pile of crap if we have to cram it down your misbegotten throats!” However, i’m a big fan of the way they handed the Spiderman franchise over to Sam Raimi, not just because he’s one of my favorite directors but because it shows they’re willing to let an artist do his thing and imprint a vision on a piece of merchandise. Chris Nolan is also an excellent choice, and i think if they give him three movies, he’s going to create something special. Maybe if they had done that with Catwoman, we wouldn’t’ve had to deal with that … thing they tried to pass off as a genuine theatrical release and not the Escaped Straight-to-video Hell Based Solely On the Marketability of Halle Berry’s Boobs monstrosity it was.
Norty: I agree. I’m terribly excited for all things Bats related right now. I am a huge fan of Nolan’s work and Bale is one of the greatest actors out there right now. I don’t like to look far down the road, but I honestly can’t see Batman going wrong. Nolan is to Batman what Raimi is to Spidy, no questions asked.
Kern: Oh, to be young and naive again… This is Hollywood, my friend. Your dreams might come true, but more likely you’ll be turning tricks on the street waiting for your next “audition”. Haven’t you seen that Guns ‘n’ Roses video? Axl gets off the bus all fresh-faced and Midwestern … and by the end of the song, he looks like Nikki Sixx tied him up and sodomized him with a bottle of Aqua Net.
Norty: Erm…..yeah. I suppose that’s right, all things considered. But, what does sodomizing Axl have to do with Batman kicking ass?
Kern: This is a big Hollywood film. There are ten thousand ways this could go wrong between Nolan’s brain and the multiplex in the mall. Hell, if Memento had a studio budget, the suits would’ve made the movie go forward instead of backwards, Joe Pantoliano would’ve been played by Joe Pesci, Carrie-Ann Moss would’ve been replaced by Hilary Duff and Guy Pearce would’ve been Dawson from Dawson’s Creek.
Norty: I guess your right. But then again, after seeing Spiderman and Xmen clean up, and how, WB knows they need a super hero hit on their hands. I can’t see them screwing with Nolan too, too much.
Kern: He made his name with a movie that went backwards. That’s got troublemaker written all over it. i hope you’re right, but better artists than him have been broken down by the system *koff*orsonwells*koff*. i’d hate for the last thing he ever does to be the voice of a world-devouring robot is all i’m saying.
Norty: Understandable. It’s not like this is Star Wars, after all. We’ll know in a month, but my hopes will remain high.
Trailer of the Week: Mr. and Mrs. Smith
The plot: A married couple (Pitt and Jolie) are getting bored with their quiet domestic life. What they don’t know, however, is that they’re both assassins, secretly hopping the world and killing for hire. But their separate lives are about to collide when each finds out their next target is their own spouse.
The Link: Here
The Analysis:
Mr. Sutton: Eh…I’m all for big shoot’em up fun, but I’ve seen True Lies already and well, this trailer doesn’t do anything to restore my hope for the movie. It could be fun, but it could just be another xXx-style borefest. You’d think Jolie would be tired of this type of movie after her Tomb Raider experiences, but I digress.
Mr. Bieda: Call me crazy, but I’m just not that thrilled with what I’ve seen from this picture thus far. Taken at face value, it appears to be nothing more than a tiresome, trite shoot ’em up (although it doesn’t seem too farfetched to assume that a married couple would have little qualms about blowing each other away). The only thing keeping me remotely interested at this point is the star power.
Mr. Leamons: Everytime I see this trailer the only thought that goes through my mind is, “I can’t believe Vince Vaughn is going to be the best thing about this movie.” And this is coming from a guy that doesn’t like many of Vaughn’s movie
Mr. McCullar: I’ve got to concur with my learned colleagues here. It looks like a competently, well-made summer shoot-em-up flick, but nothing really makes it pop out at me. Vince Vaughn’s involvement may ratchet up the entertainment factor, but it just doesn’t look like anything special. I hope I’m wrong, because I’d crack every one of your skulls in with a baseball bat to have a night with Angelina, and she could use a hit. But this just doesn’t look like anything special.
Mr. Sawitz: Well. . . .I shall agree with the crowd and add in my own sense: I think this is going to be the summer’s first big gigantic turd in both quality and box office. Every summer has a couple huge flops and this is my pick for it.
Reviews We Sit Through – For You!
Kingdom of Heaven – Orlando Bloom meets the guy who gave us Gladiator and the result? Well, not too shabby, apparently. Campbell reviewed and loved it, so you can check that out. I’ve also spoken with history buffs (professors and the like) and it’s fairly accurate in a historical sense too, so really, it’s win win. What more do you need?
House of Wax – Those who have been following me and our little site for a while now know I’m pretty much the resident, contemporary horror guy. I’ve been on the hunt for a great, or even good, scary movie for some time. House of Wax isn’t it, but it’s a definite step in the right direction. Plus, Paris Hilton dies. Huzzah!
It’s All Gone, Pete Tong – Arturo Garcia can easily recommend this film, as it’s a fine heir to the mock-rock tradition of those that came before it.
On DVD
Travis Leamons PWNS the Movies Pulse DVD reviews again this week, with three more films reviewed by the superstar. He’s got The Big Red One: The Reconstruction(Very Positive), National Treasure (Mixed), and The Phantom of the Opera (Positive) all for your reading pleasure.
House of Flying Daggers – McCullar loves this one, and apparently she’s a beaut to look at. Get past the fact the extras are in Mandarin and a fine film awaits you.
Racing Stripes – So Campbell doesn’t listen to me and sits down with this flick, thinking there’s a chance he might enjoy it. I hope the listen was well learned, my Canadian friend.
The Merchant of Venice – One of the best adaptations of Shakespeare ever put to screen? Mr. Badass himself, Rob Sutton, sure thinks so!
We Even Do Columns!
Matt Coates submits, for your reading pleasure, another Holistic DVD Column. #8 this week, to be exact. He covers a lot this week, some in pretty fun and interesting ways. Honestly, there really is a lot of quality content here, even better if shouting and killing is up your alley, in movies like Braveheart and the like. Of course, it’s a bit deeper than that, but I’m just getting lazy again. Of course, you shouldn’t still be reading this, as you should have clicked on him already….
Rob Sutton has a really great, Bad Ass flick this week The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Honestly, this film is so awesome, words do not do it justice. Well, my words, anyway. Rob does a great job explaining why this film pwns all, and he uses pictures too! It’s win-win!
Brad Torreano returns this week for Mondo Culto XXIV. Fresh off his Dangerfield dedications, Brad takes the Culto and examines the current crop of stellar yet lesser known horror films sitting on stores shelves right now. One of them, an uncut foreign film, is looking to be one of the better horror films to come out here this summer. Check out the Culto for some Grade-A horror pickins.
I write two columns weekly (usually) – this one, and a column about trailers. Got the new Harry Potter trailer this week, and it’s in Quicktime too. It’s so nice…..
Rob Russo continues to Set the Trend. You ever spend time thinking about animated movies? Or perhaps you question why The Simpsons haven’t hit the big screen yet, despite years of fan requests for it? Check out Rob, as he examines the animation glass ceiling and gives some interesting thoughts on it.
Well, it didn’t take long for McCullar to show that sometimes you don’t really need talent to move up in the world. Same Bat-time, same Bat-content, better Bat-channel? I don’t know. Poor Gramps has it rough though – fifty hours a week workin the corner, groceries (Oh God the groceries…), bills, rent, solitary practice with a super-powered vibrator, smuggled young adult male pornopraphy, rubbing lotion on his dozens of cats. He’s right – I have no idea what the real world is like and no excuse to ever miss/be late with a column again. Then again, knowing Mikey’s real world, I think I’m happy in my bubble.
Features
Some of the guys got together and complied a few lists of their top five movies for this summer. Check those out here. And, for those of you wondering, my list would go Batman, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Wedding Crashers, War of the Worlds, and Land of the Dead. Not in any particular order, save Batman at number one. Mmmm, Batman…….
The End
Nothing really witty to wrap up with this week, so as usual thanks, and….
Until Next Time…
