I would like to start by fully apologizing for placing my Amazon Wish List in last week’s column. I’m not a whore for gifts, even with my birthday being tomorrow. I hate getting older. But… I like stuff. I grew up loving Madonna, so you bet your ass that I’m a Material Girl. Still, I feel guilty when people I don’t know spend money on me. Then again, I feel guilty when I’m in a line and take the last slice of a particular kind of pie. Someone behind me might have wanted it much more than I did. Greedy me, jaded American!
I would also like to start by saying that this past weekend I got almost no sleep and it’s all hit me like a ton of bricks today. The only way this column could get more disjointed than it surely will be is if I were to get drunk as well. Either that or the two would cancel each other out. I’m not willing to experiment to find out.
I would also also like to start by asking everyone to ignore the fact that I’m a retarded fangirl for The Project Hate MCMXCIX or that I have had some lovely conversations with Lord K and his brethren, and instead just go download their new track from the upcoming album, Armageddon March Eternal. Seriously, there is no way to explain TPH’s sound. It defies all description. Just open your ears.
AND, I would like to start by mentioning that the initial dates for Gigantour have been announced, and so you just might see me on 8/12 in Chicago. If they do a Milwaukee and/or Minneapolis date, I might try to pull a Pokemon and CATCH ‘EM ALL!
That’s a great sort of lead-in for my first order of business.
Alice In Musicland
Yes, I have been a fan of Megadeth since I was wee. Yes, I have supported Mr. Gimpy Arm Mustaine, big mouth and all, over the years out of loyalty and respect. But something ugly is brewing, and I don’t like it one bit.
Let’s start with the news of May 7th (all of this is courtesy of Blabbermouth, by the way):
MEGADETH mainman Dave Mustaine has posted the following message in the “Forums” section of the band’s official web site:
“It has come to my attention that there was a show in Greece where an allegedly ‘full-on’ Satanic band [ROTTING CHRIST] was going to be playing, as well as one in Israel too [referring to DISSECTION  Ed.]. No one knows for sure what their intent or content is, so I am not going to say they are.
“Yes, I said that I was not really interested in playing with Satanic [bands], and that is because I changed my outlook on life and my spritual beliefs over three years ago. I became a Christian, yes, and I have made even more mistakes now that I have, because there are things I do that I know I should not do, and things I do not do that I know I should.
“I have to draw the line and stand for my beliefs or they aren’t beliefs at all, are they? I don’t expect anyone to fully understand this, but I know many of you do, and I thank you for your support.”
(I cut that way the hell down… Mustaine has the same problem I do of babbling on forever.)
This is Dave Mustaine, the man who wrote “Peace Sells,” the man who has carried on for years about closed-mindedness and the machine, the man who has been a liberal figurehead for metallers who advocate social change and acceptance.
Now we have Dave Mustaine, the “I love Jesus now, so I have a right to be prejudiced against others who don’t love Jesus, too” guy.
I don’t want to write a music column that hates on organized religion, but I grew up in a Buddhist home and don’t understand the entire community of any faith that seeks to separate people based on their spiritual beliefs. Never mind that Satanism is truly just another branch of Christianity, but that’s another debate for another time. I just find it really amazing that Dave couldn’t stand being labeled by others in the past but now finds it perfectly acceptable to label everyone he sees and treat them differently as such.
In the meantime, Rotting Christ totally backed down from their spot on the festival in reaction to Mustaine. However, nobody else in the metal universe has been that passive.
CKY vocalist/guitarist Deron Miller said, “Remember in the ’80s when the parents of your fans insisted that YOU were Satanic? You have turned into them. Stop creating drama.”
Dissection spoke up for themselves as well: “Mustaine, you dare to put yourself in our way but you don’t dare to meet us? You want to have DISSECTION cancelled because you do not dare to face true opponents in faith?! You think this will stop us?! We are Satanists, yes, truly enemies of yours! For we are the antithesis to cowards like you! If you are a man of true belief, meet us in France at Fury Fest and stand up for it! Or will you have us cancelled this time too?”
(Not that I support anything that Dissection supports, but at least they said something.)
Then there’s the metal fan community, who have their own “unique” opinions:
“What I’m wondering about is how people like that idiot “become christian”. Hell knows what must happen to bring me down on that level, really. If god himself rang my door and gave me unlimited amounts of cold beer, coke and money, I’d think about it. Or I’d just take it, laugh and close the door again”
“Jesus never threw him out of a band.”
“Well if you’re Dave Mustaine you can’t have many friends so turning to the imaginary ones makes sense.”
“Mustaine sucks. i hope he slips in a big puddle of AIDS”
Lovely!
Ahem.
In bigger (and even stupider) news, also courtesy of Blabbermouth:
Despite a message on the band’s official web site that seems to suggest otherwise, TYPE O NEGATIVE frontman Peter Steele HAS NOT DIED.
The band, who are famous for their dark sense of humor, have spent much of the last few months preparing material for their SPV Records debut, which is expected to be recorded later in the year.
TYPE O NEGATIVE cancelled their U.S. tour last fall in order to allow Steele to undergo further tests after “undisclosed anomalies” were discovered during a medical exam. A February 11, 2005 update on Peter’s condition from TYPE O NEGATIVE drummer Johnny Kelly stated, “There really isn’t much to report other than he’s doing fine and his health is improving daily.”
Yeah. Type O — with a band member known to be sick like crazy over the last few months — thought it would be a FUNNYGIGGLERIOT to post a tombstone for their lead vocalist on the front of the band’s website. Apparently, the band treats Friday the 13th as normal people treat April 1st. Perhaps they should have MENTIONED THAT at some point, as there is at least one known case of a girl being hospitalized after attempted suicide upon hearing the news. (Not that the band should be held accountable for the complete stupidity and idiotic actions of their fanbase, but still.)
I don’t have a lot more to say on the topic, so I’m going to go on a tangent. Type O is one of those bands who I despise because of their fans. I liked them when I first heard them and for several months after. Then at some point they really started to gain this goofy-goth fanbase and the band decided to exploit that image rather than the wry humor from their first couple of albums. What they have bestowed unto the world since then has been album after album of undiscernible, plodding crap. Every song sounds the same. The guitar tone is identical, track after track. I have friends who adore them and have played the discs around me incessantly, yet I still have no idea how anyone can have a “favorite song” by them when all I hear is 45 minutes of drone.
If you like TON, more power to you. I like bands that have a certain “sound” too. But I have a sneaking suspicion that much of this is due to Peter Steele’s looks than the music itself. And by looks, I mean schlong, because I saw the Playgirl. Hell yes, it’s hypnotizing.
There is more news, but why bother? Nothing else stands up to that.
Band vs. Band
I’m out of practice on this section, but there is no shortage of subject material to say the least. I’m in a hair band kind of mood, so today, it’s Slaughter vs. Firehouse.
First — these bands have much in common. Neither band was ever truly recognized as any sort of innovators or real talents. Their successes came from catchy rock anthems and (moreso) weepy ballads. They’re both still touring today, and I’ve seen each of them live more than once.
SLAUGHTER was born first, out of the deaths of Vinnie Vincent Invasion (which was born out of Vinnie Vincent getting the boot from Kiss, which makes it even funnier that the first concert I ever saw was Kiss, Slaughter and Winger as openers). Their first single absolutely ravaged MTV. Everyone and their mother was screaming, “Up all night, sleep all day.” That is, they were screaming this if their ear drums managed to make it through the caterwauling of vocalist Mark Slaughter. You know, there’s falsetto and there are high notes, but Mark Slaughter is just this world of shriek all unto himself.
Even bigger than that breakout was the ballad, “Fly To The Angels.” There’s no knocking this tune, either; it’s one hell of a solid piece of tunage. I absolutely love the way the guitar and bass intertwine through the solo/bridge areas, too. And the drumming… well, Blas is pretty, who cares what he does with the drumsticks. Not only was this one all over the charts, but it’s all over ’80s ballad compilations stocked in your favorite store’s $7.99 CD rack.
Sure, they released other singles (I absolutely love “Mad About You”) and more albums, but those two songs were the big hurrah for Slaughter. My favorite story about the band is the bassist, Dana Strum, marrying one of the chicks from the Swedish Bikini Team who later ran out on him and cleaned out his house. Hell, any story about Dana Strum is typically excellent, as he’s been known as a notorious dickhead for years (and yes, I did witness some of this dickheadery firsthand while meeting the band after a show). Did I mention Blas was pretty? I drooled over him like crazy. Unfortunately, guitarist Tim Kelly was killed in an automobile accident a few years back, but the band picked up with a replacement and are still on the road.
While Slaughter’s boom was waning, Firehouse was jumping in for a repeat performance. Made up of some of the ugliest guys in hair metal (which is funny considering how there is always at least ONE cute guy as a prerequisite), “Don’t Treat Me Bad” was all over MTV to the point that it almost got annoying. No, wait, it couldn’t get annoying, because it was catchy as all hell. Who were these guys? Just some Joe Nobodies. But that’s okay, because they really had a great grasp on hard pop/rock.
Wait for it — “Love of a Lifetime.” Remember it? How can you not? It was everywhere. And if you managed to indeed miss it somehow, their next album actually yielded a second huge ballad, “When I Look Into Your Eyes.” Oh, the sappiness! Were there better power ballads in this timeframe? Of course, but the timing couldn’t have been better as (if one actually takes the time to realize) most power ballads of this era were more about losing love than finding and enjoying love. I mean, Journey wasn’t doing much of anything around this period, so something had to fill the gap.
And that was about it for Firehouse. They’re still around, they still tour, and I don’t think anyone really knows or notices if all of their original members are intact. They’re most frequently found on nostalgia tours with other washed-up hair bands. I can’t even tell you one way or another if they’re good or if they suck; the last show I attended where they opened, I was busy at the beer tent.
Commercially, the success of both bands was about equal, even with Firehouse having one more super-hit than Slaughter. Maybe that’s because Slaughter’s songs were simply more memorable; they came first during the period where hair bands really exploded, while Firehouse was more of an afterthought that was commercially acceptable. This isn’t to discount Firehouse’s abilities as songwriters, as they have a lock on the formula that many musicians would kill to be able to even touch the key.
Firehouse were wusses. I mean, wusses. They never sang about partying, and all of their songs about ROCKING were decidedly lame. Slaughter… okay, they had Mark Slaughter and his voice from hell. It didn’t make them wusses, but it made them far too feminine for most men to admit to liking. I mean, it’s bad enough that most guys in this time period had to justify liking musicians who wore makeup and damn near cross-dressed at times. In both cases, Firehouse and Slaughter were Hair Bands For Girls.
Who was better at rockin’? Oh, Slaughter, no question. Who was more talented? That depends on what angle you’re looking at; Slaughter liked to experiment on their albums and exploited their quirks, while Firehouse just kept working and re-working their mastery of the art of pop. Neither were technical geniuses. But who was better? That’s like trying to choose between waffles and pancakes. Almost the same, but not quite. Still, at least with the former, they’re a little quirky and a little more fun.
With points for song craft, originality, and a hot drummer, Slaughter and their waffley goodness win.
File Under…
HA HA, FERNANDEZ! I stole your link! Rather than even begin to explain all of the nuances when it comes to the micro-genre classfication in electronic music, Ol’ Jeffy found a link that will solve all of the confusion for you. In fact, it might solve too much. There’s more information here than even I can stomach all in one sitting.
And that’s my cop-out of the day.
My Opinion Matters
Anal Cunt, “311 Sucks”:
[no lyrics, just wigger jibberish]
YOU FUCKING SUCK!
And that’s that on 311. I’ll leave them alone unless I start getting harrassed by 311 fans again.
My opinion on: ABBA.
I f*cking hate Abba. I don’t understand the attraction. I hate every single Abba song that I have ever heard, and that’s a lot of Abba. My best friend likes to sing “Dancing Queen” on karaoke, and this angers me because I do not like to listen to her sing “Dancing Queen” on karaoke. The only thing I know of that is worse than Abba are the videos they made for Abba songs. Goddamn, I know a good chunk of my bloodline is Swedish and I’ve got the same round-face smiley look about me when I get all happy and excited, but that doesn’t endear me to them any more than I’m endeared to Britney Spears because we’re both blonde hicks that look cute in pigtails.
Is someone going to come after me for hating gays because I hate Abba? I have noticed in films and whatnot over the years that drag queens really seem to like Abba. That is not why I hate Abba. I hated Abba from the time I was wee. And now that I think about it, I don’t know any drag queens. I’m just a stupid small-minded Iowan, stereotyping away!
Whatever. Abba. They suck. Bjorn and Frieda and all of them can die. And take the A*Teens with them, PUH-LEAZE.
Wait, no, keep Frieda, so long as she makes a big comeback, kicking out more awesomely dark pop disco hits like “I Know There’s Something Going On.” Goddamn, that song is one of my favorite obscure ’80s tunes.
The Rad Ones
Ahhh shit.
Totally, totally gotta pimp Lucard because not only does he talk about Ouija boards and whatnot, but I just might meet up with him on a quick vacation trip to The House on The Rock. I love that place. INFINITY ROOM 4 LYFE!
Gotta start tickin’ down the number of IP writers I have met, oh yes.
Toby B wrote a great column last week. Send HIM presents on HIS birthday.
And in exchange for stealing his link, here’s Fernandez. He covers news much better than I do anyway.
Fucking Star Wars. It’s gonna be everywhere on The Pulse leading up to the big movie release. Ahh well. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, I guess. So here’s a pimp for the Ewoks, courtesy of Robert Sutton.
Hyatte doesn’t need the hits from a plug here, but if you missed the bit where I was quoted breaking down the nuances of doin’ it doggystyle, you can give it a look.
And finally, I have no idea why this column made me giggle so f*cking hard, but Nick Pomazak worked the magic of Trump into something quite amusing.
Speaking of the sports section, when is Slayer coming back? COME BACK, SLAYER! SCHOOL IS HARD BUT YOU WILL BE STRONG AND PERVERSE PERSEVERE!
Outro
Wait. I almost forgot my newly-assigned catch phrase:
“Smarter than the average bear and twice as deadly.”
Me likey.
And I would like to make this question a recurring schtick with a different answer every SBNV column. Think I can pull it off? I HAD BETTER.
[15:24] CJDelRay: Hey Gloomie, if you didn’t have a bf and you could date either Eric S, Flea, Scott Keith, or Hyatte and eventual sex was definitely on the horizon. who would it be and why?
This reminds me of when I was a manager years ago at Wendy’s, and the chain had just introduced pitas.
Drive-thru patron: Which pita is the best?
My answer, unspoken: CLASSIC GREEK, BITCH! FETA CHEESE IS LOVE!
My answer, corporate shill: I like them all.
Remember pitas? Fuck, I miss pitas.
Yeah. I need a nap.
Was that coherent? Al says, “I don’t think so, Tim.”
OH YEAH? DON’T LIKE THAT? GO ASK MY BROTHER DARRYL, OR MY OTHER BROTHER DARRYL.
BOOYAH! I SHOT J.R.! DOWN IN FRAGGLE ROCK!
Nytol will help me get my Z’s.
But first, lyrics!
ATOM AND HIS PACKAGE!
In the mountains of Norway, where the weather is cold,
There’s nothing to do, except kill each other, and play guitars in the snow
Excluding the scary paper make-up that they wear,
They resemble ink and dagger, if ink and dagger had long hair
They’re pretty evil, and they do not like God,
I don’t care if they burn down churches,
But they’d better not f*ckin’ touch the synagouge
I befriended them
Bye bye mom, it’s now me and my black metal friends
I befriended them
Bye bye Franklin, it’s now me and my black metal friends
They have names like Igor, Helthor, Angor,
But then again, it’s not exactly like “In Living Color”,
I kinda hope they move here, so I don’t have to pay import prices,
But I’m kinda afraid that they’ll move near me,
Because, they’re not nice
I befriended them
Bye bye mom, it’s now me and my black metal friends
I befriended them
Bye bye Franklin, it’s now me and my black metal friends
Come on, Eileen,
Come on, Eileen,
Come on, Eileen,
Come on, Eileen!
Burn away the false and untrue ones,
–gloomchen
