Desperate Housewives – Recap – Episode 22

So apparently fellow writer Scott Keith has said his wife Jodi declared Desperate Housewives the best show of Sunday night. Well, we’ll see about that. Other than that comment, there’s no mailbag so I suppose it’s on with the recap!

Previously, on Desperate Housewives:

Investigations began…boundaries were pushed…and the news…went from bad…to worse.

Carlos is on house arrest, Susan wants to know Mike’s background and asks a private dick in cahoots with Paul Young, Rex wants Bree to spank him in bed, Tom isn’t going to get a promotion after all, and John the gardener might be the father of Gabrielle’s baby.

Edie Britt’s favorite moment of every day was her arrival at the construction site of her new home. Because she knew what was about to happen. Her sudden appearance was always sure to generate a few appreciative glances, a few lascivious looks and some downright ogling. Sadly for Edie, the one man she wanted most to notice her, paid her no attention at all. Yes, Edie needed attention to feel good about herself, and she was determined to get it.

Edie does arrive at the construction site, and really gets the attention of one construction man, Cyrus. He tries to ask her out for dinner, and Edie tells him he’s so far out of his league that he’s playing a different sport. Turns out that Edie would rather get the attention of Manslaughter Mike, so she brings over some free donuts and tries a little flirting but here’s Susan in a bath robe, looking bright as ever. This turns Edie sour right away as Susan tells Mike to go put the donuts somewhere and then berates Edie for trying to flirt with him. Edie thought they were over because Susan thought he was a murderer, but Susan thinks she shouldn’t have taken that as a cue to go over and flirt. Edie decides to take off and Susan is going to go get some milk with those donuts but Mike doesn’t want her running back and forth anymore: He wants Susan to move in with him. Susan has to think about it, and then runs off to catch Edie before she leaves to apologize for being rude and gloating back there, but then mentioning that Mike and her are moving in together.

Yes, Edie Britt needed the attention of men to feel good about herself. And even she was amazed at how far she was willing to go to get it.

Edie stops by the construction site again to set up a date with Cyrus, welcoming him to the major leagues. Cyrus looks very pleased.

You’re watching Desperate Housewives, with closed captioning sponsored by Ford and so on and so forth why watch the Survivor finale?

Mr. and Mrs. Edwin Mullins were finally leaving Wisteria Lane. In the past year, their street had played host to arson, violence, blackmail and murder. Fearing they, too, would be infected by this moral decay, the Mullins felt it was time to say goodbye. Strangely enough, none of their neighbors seemed to notice they were moving out.

So as the Mullins leave, Gabrielle exits her house, giving some water to the lawnmower boy who doubles as John’s roommate and then asking him how John is hanging in there. He then goes off on a rant, asking Gabrielle why she would tell him he can’t raise a child. Gabby says that it’s a complicated situation, but the lawnmower boy finds it pretty simple: “You’re an unfeeling bitch.” That gets a slap from Gabrielle, but Carlos is watching from inside the house, still on house arrest.

Back inside, Carlos wants to know why she slapped the lawnboy, and Gabrielle can only lie and say that if he knew what the boy did to their begonias, Carlos would slap him too.

At Tom’s office, Lynette has brought a cake, as she wanted to do something special for Duggan’s return from a heart attack. Tom thinks this is another way of Lynette checking in on Tom and Annabel, as for the past two days, Lynette has done something else, like bring pictures of the kids or soup to Tom. Lynette swears she doesn’t care about Annabel and that the cake is for Duggan, and Annabel walks by into the break room as Lynette lets out a literal “speak of the devil”.

Inside the break room, Lynette enters with her cake as Annabel says that Lynette is becoming a regular fixture around the office. Lynette reiterates that she just wanted to do something nice for Duggan and Annabel supposes that filling his bloodstream with butterfat could be considered nice. Lynette corrects her by saying that it’s fruit juice sweetened, but Peterson interrupts everything by announcing at Duggan’s welcome back party that he had a relapse last night and might not be coming back to work after all. So the workload is divided amongst the team with Annabel leaving for Hawaii in three days to handle a hotel chain deal. Annabel can’t do it alone, so Peterson allows her to choose a partner. Well, this is obvious: Tom. Lynette still has a knife in her hand which she has used to cut the cake, turning towards Annabel but Tom calmly puts a hand up to stop Lynette.

At Mini-Golf World, Bree and George are playing a round of mini-golf as Bree has beaten him at about everything else: Bridge, Mahjong and Hearts. Now it’s time for George to tee off and Bree is teasing George, trying to get him to miss the shot by whispering “miss it” in his ear and so forth. Of course, George is in love with Bree so when he takes too long to get the shot off…”Do you have an erection?” George apologizes and says that Bree was blowing on his ear and Bree dismisses that as teasing. “Exactly!” Bree tells George to get rid of it since there are children present but George doesn’t understand how. “Think of something unpleasant. Famine, disease, hobos, anything!” And the mini-golf game is called off as Bree says that she was friends with George because she thought Rex’s dislike of George was paranoia, but George had feelings for her all along. Bree sees it as betrayal, but the only thing George is guilty of is loving her in silence. Bree reminds George that she’s married, but Rex did cheat on her with a hooker. Bree doesn’t like it that it was thrown back in her face like that and George can’t believe that it’s going to be all over after everything he’s done for her. Bree doesn’t know what that means, but George disregards it. Bree loved George, but only as a friend and since George can’t have that same kind of love, then Bree has to say goodbye. Let the shit hit the fan.

And now, a word from our sponsors… Don’t care very much for Lynette’s storyline, but Carlos/Gabrielle/Lawnboy and Bree/George/Rex are off to a good start before the first commercial break. Maybe this is the time when Rex has yet another heart attack.

Later that day, Edie Britt witnessed something disturbing. Something she was determined to put a stop to.

And so, at the poker game, Susan is going to be late as she is already moving Mike’s things into her house. Lynette is glad to see Susan so happy again and Edie joins the conversation, thinking that Susan and Mike are moving a little fast, since two days ago Susan thought Mike was a murderer. Gabby brings up that it was in self-defense and the whole thing has been cleared up. Edie then brings up the gunshot wound, which was never explained and Bree knows for a fact was not self-inflicted. Not to mention Mrs. Huber’s bloodstained jewelry, which couldn’t have walked into Mike’s garage by itself. Gabby begins to wonder if Susan is making a mistake and Edie brings up the possibility of putting a stop to this. Bree suggests sitting Susan down and voicing their concerns. Edie normally wouldn’t get involved in these things, but if it would help Susan…

Speaking of which, Susan is loading up some of Mike’s stuff but she wants to talk about a box of bullets that she found in his room. Susan feels bad about Dierdre and understands that Mike wants to find her killer but they can’t have this stuff hanging over them so the map, the gun, especially the gun, it all needs to go. And then just leave it to the police. Mike thinks that that’s a reasonable request, and Susan can’t believe how easy that was. Susan goes back inside her house to drop off the box as Mike is distracted, seeing Paul Young drop off a box in front of a house and then drive off.

At that house, Felicia and Zach are sitting at a table as Zach reads the farewell letter from his father. “I realize now that I’ve treated you badly. I’m the one who needs to get help, not you. So I have to go away for awhile. In the meantime, Mrs. Tilman will look out for you.” Mrs. Tilman tells Zach that he is welcome here. Zach doesn’t understand why Paul wouldn’t come see him before he left, but Felicia explains that his father was very troubled and he did what he thought was best. Zach hates baseball though, why would he find comfort in a new mitt. As Zach storms away, Felicia sees a framed picture of Mary Alice inside the box and then reaches inside the mitt…to find a note.

I didn’t leave you. Meet me at the baseball field–Thursday at midnight.

Not wanting Zach to see this, Felicia crumples up the note.

Susan rings the doorbell as the intervention is about to begin. Edie warns that it’s not going to be pretty, but they have to be strong because she’s probably going to cry. Susan is invited in and sees everyone else, not knowing that the cooking lesson was going to be a group activity. And then she realizes that she’s the only one wearing an apron.

The Housewives flank Susan at the dinner table, as Lynette thought an intervention was necessary to keep Susan from moving too fast. Edie says that none of them wanted to do this. Susan finds that hard to believe but doesn’t say it out loud, instead saying that she appreciates what they’re doing, but she’s not going to change her mind. She then says that she’s been hurt a lot in her life, from Karl and it just taught Susan to expect the absolute worst from people, but she doesn’t want to live like that anymore, so when Mike asked to move in, Susan was so happy and she just wants to go along with that feeling. She’s going to expect the best from Mike and she knows that Mike is going to deliver that in return. Everyone is happy for Susan except for Edie, who says that this is the worst intervention she has ever been to.

And now, a word from our sponsors… Susan’s stuff is boring, but the Zach stuff is very nice. Can we go back to Carlos/Lawnboy/Gabby and George/Rex/Bree, please?

Lynette and an old business partner are having lunch but Lynette actually has an agenda. She heard that the firm where this person is working is hiring, and she gets excited, thinking Lynette is going to come back. But Lynette was thinking about Tom. Lynette boasts about Tom but the business partner wonders if he’s as good as Lynette. Lynette thinks that it’s apples and oranges and that Tom and her excel in different areas. Her business partner doesn’t want apples though, she needs someone like Lynette, someone who is cutthroat and ruthless. Lynette thinks Nat is describing her like she’s some kind of shark, and then realizes another way to get Tom out of going to Hawaii with Annabel. Nat is excited to hear that Lynette has a shark for her…a very pretty shark, at that.

Bree and Rex are going for a drive, but George is watching from afar as he sneaks in when they leave. George proceeds to screw with Rex’s medication, sort out Bree’s underwear, laying it on the bed and taking a picture, and then rummaging through the closet and finding Rex’s S&M stuff.

At the hospital, Rex’s checkup is finished as the doctor is going to bring someone else in to look over Rex. Rex’s body isn’t responding to the medication, so the doctor wants to be on the safe side. The doctor then excuses himself, as Bree has a feeling that Rex is going to be fine. But Dr. Craig has a big ego among doctors, and if he’s bringing someone else in, that means he’s stumped, which means that Rex is screwed. Bree tries to comfort him, but Rex puts it into persepctive, making it clear that he could die. But so could Bree. Rex doesn’t understand her point, but Bree says that they’re both going to die eventually, but whenever that happens, in the meantime they should be nice to each other. Rex thinks that Bree is right after all.

Mike arrives at Felicia’s front door, wondering if she’s seen Paul Young lately since he’s been missing for the past couple of days. Felicia wonders why Mike would ask her, and Mike mentions that he saw Paul leave a box on her doorstep, and he’s also seen Zach over at the house. Felicia then asks why she would tell Mike even if she knew where Paul was. Mike just wants to say that the police think that Mike killed her sister and Felicia probably believes that too but Mike had nothing to do with it. Felicia wonders if Mike believes that Paul Young did it, but that’s not what Mike said. Felicia admits that it’s a neat theory and then invites Mike in for a snack.

Inside her house, Felicia brings over a snack as she explains that it’s not too outrageous to assume Paul killed Martha to avenge his wife’s suicide, a direct result of Martha blackmailing Mary Alice. Mike believes Felicia’s theory, but then wonders why Martha would blackmail the Youngs. Felicia doesn’t think there’s anything in the diary specifically regarding that, but she believes that it involves a murder and now here’s Dierdre being murdered. Mike wonders why she hasn’t gone to the police with this stuff, and Felicia changes the subject (kinda) to whether or not Mike agrees with the death penalty. They both do, and they had it in Utah. But not in California. They both agree that that’s a shame, and Mike then asks Felicia where Paul Young is again. But she will know where he’ll be on Thursday night.

And now, a word from our sponsors… Awesome scene right there. Nothing with Gabrielle/Carlos/Lawnboy, unfortunately, but everything else is moving along smoothly, even Rex/Bree/George as George is one creepy bastard.

That afternoon while retrieving her mail, Gabrielle was surprised to finally learn the truth behind her pregnancy. Very surprised.

Turns out the health insurance on the family does not cover birth control pills bought by the kilo. Carlos tells Gabrielle that it was Mama Solis who did that, but the claim is dated and good ol’ Mama Solis was in a coma when it was filed. Gabrielle wishes that Carlos could’ve owned up to it and been a man, since Mama Solis would have. Gabrielle leaves and Carlos tries to chase her, but Gabrielle leaves and only packed one bag since Carlos is going to jail tomorrow. Carlos reminds Gabrielle that the baby needs a mother and a father…and it’s at that point that Gabrielle decides to cast doubt on whether or not Carlos is the father. Oh no. They sure saved all the building to the finale for this episode. Right on time, here comes Edie Britt, real estate agent extraordinare, to put a SOLD sign on the Mullins’ household. But Carlos gets a wise idea, stealing Edie’s car as the house arrest thing beeps like crazy, with Carlos speeding off and a very angry Edie behind.

Through the streets, Carlos is chasing Gabrielle as Unit 14 picks up the case of finding Carlos violating his house arrest.

The lawnboy is about to enjoy a grilled cheese sandwich and here’s Gabrielle much to the distaste of the lawnboy. Gabby announces that she just left her husband, which shocks the lawnboy. But Carlos has caught up, and watches as the lawnboy gives Gabrielle a hug. Oh no. Gabrielle goes on her way and the lawnboy goes back to enjoy his grilled cheese…but there’s a knock at the door again. OH NO. The lawnboy opens the door to a left hook from Carlos. “You think just because you mow my lawn you can bang my wife?” Here’s the police, busting in and arresting Carlos.

Back at the office, Annabel is happy and Tom is wondering why. Turns out that Annabel got an offer from Nat’s firm, but Peterson upped the ante, making Annabel vice president of the firm–giving her Duggan’s old job, a promotion that was supposed to go to Tom. Tom is devastated, naturally and goes into Peterson’s office. Tom berates Peterson for giving Annabel the promotion over Tom, calling it one of his crappiest decisions yet. Tom tried to take it like a champ, but he’s already been doing Duggan’s job since his heart attack. Tom is then given a bombshell: This all happened because of Lynette. Lynette begged Peterson’s wife to kill the promotion, since it would ruin the family if Tom got to travel so much. Peterson thought he was helping the Scavos out but it turned out to be another crappy decision. Tom is shocked as Peterson tells Tom to clean out his desk by TONIGHT.

At the apartment, the lawnboy is being put in a stretcher as the police want to know why Carlos did this. Carlos says that it’s between him, the boy and the wife. The policeman asks if the lawnboy is doing Carlos’ wife, but the boy denies it, because he’s gay. This surprises Carlos as he can’t believe that this is happening–again. That catches the police’s attention as they wonder what “again” means. Carlos just blew it, big time, and he wants a lawyer. For those of you just kinda cruising into the show, Carlos previously destroyed a gay cable guy over the same suspicions.

And now, a word from our sponsors… Great stuff with Carlos beating up another gay guy. Tom/Lynette seem to be on the fast track to divorce now with Tom realizing that Lynette caused the end of Tom’s promotion.

At some random grocery store, Bree and George run into each other while shopping, as George explains that he’s buying some food for someone who had an operation at the hospital recently. George’s parting words, however, are quite interesting as he tells Bree to tell Rex he needs to be a little more discreet with his love life. Bree tries to get it out of George, and George finally explains that two doctors were overheard talking about Rex’s fondness for S&M. This was at the hospital, of course. He told them he has a box of toys, and he gets Bree to do very inappropriate things. Bree looks very uncomfortable, but George just doesn’t want those two men laughing about her. Bree has to go, however, and George decides to grab a grape in celebration.

Mike has brought more boxes, but he explains that he’ll be too late for dinner since there was an emergency phone call of a busted water main. Susan promises to keep it warm…and she’s not talking about dinner. Jesus Christ, that’s lewd! Anyway, Susan goes to grab the broken down boxes, but finds Martha Huber’s diary hiding under the seat of the truck, looking through it quickly before Mike returns. Susan hides the diary in between the boxes and then tries to see if Mike will leave right away but he’s just a part of the relief crew for the busted water main. Susan decides to go back to work in that case, walking away with the diary still hidden.

Nighttime now, as Julie and Susan are stalking Mike together, watching his house from a distance as Julie thought that Susan was all trusting now. Of course, that was before she found Mrs. Huber’s journal in his truck. Julie asks what’s in it, but Susan thinks that it’s just a problem that he has it at all. She bets that Mike isn’t going off on a plumbing job, so Susan wants to find out exactly what he’s doing. Julie brings up a good point about why she’s moving in with Mike if she doesn’t trust him. Susan dismisses it as not having time to explain adult relationships to Julie, and then tells Julie to get down as Mike exits his house.

On the streets now, Susan is six cars behind Mike as Julie complains that Mike can’t see them but they can’t see Mike either and doesn’t think that Susan is very good at this whole following thing. But Susan used to follow Karl Mayer around all the time when he was cheating on her. And there he is, driving up to the baseball park. Julie wonders who he’s pulling up next to, and Susan is going to do some spying to find out. Julie locks the doors inside the car as Susan runs up to the truck, but she’s got the wrong person, finding a couple in the truck with a lady in her bra. Susan takes off running again, as the lady wonders if Susan was that man’s wife. He reminds the lady that if that was her wife, he wouldn’t be with her. Susan runs back to the car as Julie unlocks the doors. And it wasn’t Mike, of course.

To the jail as Gabrielle is surprised to learn that Carlos is being charged with a hate crime, but Carlos explains that when the cable guy was beaten up: That was him. He thought the cable guy was cheating on Gabby. Carlos didn’t know he was gay, nor Justin. But the cops think Carlos sort of is a serial gay-basher, and Gabby confirms this, but Carlos was provoked by Gabby. Carlos thinks that Gabrielle was pretending to have an affair just to punish him. Wow. He’s that stupid? Carlos needs Gabrielle to lie again, and to tell the cops that she was having an affair, but Carlos beat up the wrong guys. Twice. Gabrielle isn’t going to lie for Carlos, though. But if the charge sticks, Carlos is going away for eight years. Of course, because of Carlos’ tampering, Gabrielle has lost 18 years of freedom. So Gabby just walks away as an angry Carlos gets angrier.

Back inside the car with Julie and Susan as Julie reads through the diary. Susan thinks that Julie is giving her the silent treatment because of the bad time that was had trying to track down Mike, but Julie is just really into the diary. Susan only read part of it, but not the best part: Martha was blackmailing Mary Alice.

At the baseball park, Paul Young waits for Zach, and he hears a twig snap. He thinks it’s Zach, but it’s actually Mike punching the hell out of Paul.

And now, a word from our sponsors… Very nice. Everything’s going swimmingly into the home stretch.

At the Van De Kamp house, Rex awakens to find Bree sitting by the window. Bree couldn’t sleep so she’s just sitting and thinking. Rex wonders about what, and Bree asks if Rex really wants to know. Rex isn’t feeling very well though, so Bree just tells him that she thinks the biggest mistake of her life was agreeing to marry Rex. Rex guesses that he’s done something wrong, and Bree turns on him, saying that she’s been forced to share in Rex’s depraved S&M lifestyle, and now Rex is sharing it with everyone else right down to that box of perversions in the closet. Rex swears that he’s never said anything to anyone, but Bree thinks that Rex’s a liar. Rex wants to know who told her this, but Bree doesn’t think it matters. Rex does think it matters since he never said anything. Bree then yells back the question since she hasn’t told anyone anything. Rex doesn’t know why Bree would assume he would do anything differently, but Bree wonders if Rex was maybe bragging. Or maybe Rex just wanted to hurt her. That worked, since Bree was officially destroyed. Rex says that he didn’t say anything but Bree doesn’t believe him. Rex then starts to think he’s having another heart attack, but Bree DOESN’T BELIEVE HIM. Rex tells Bree to take him to the hospital, and Bree realizes that he’s serious. Rex goes downstairs and Bree says that she’ll be right there.

Rex doesn’t make it downstairs, but here’s the youngest Van De Kamp girl to ask Rex what he’s doing at the bottom of the stairs, and Rex says that he’s waiting for Bree to take her to the emergency room. Danielle wonders where her mother is, charging back up the stairs to find Bree MAKING THE BED. That’s right, she’s going to take him to the emergency room when she finishes making the bed. “I never leave the house with an unmade bed.” Bree is ready to go now, and Danielle is stunned.

Nothing is forever, and the time comes when we all must say goodbye to the world we knew. Goodbye to everything we had taken for granted. Goodbye to those we thought would never abandon us. And when these changes finally do occur…when the familiar has departed and the unfamiliar has taken its place, all any of us can really do is to say hello…and welcome.

Tom is loading stuff from his desk into a box, leaving his job he thought he was comfortable in. Carlos is sitting in jail, looking at a picture of Gabrielle and himself. Rex is being carried away into the emergency room on a stretcher as Bree looks on. And finally, a new family moves in to replace the Mullins. A black family. About time, eh?