Ya know it’s funny; I figured with my boss away I’d actually get a good, long, quality column in. Not the case. Busy, busy weekend with little to no room to get anything done, hence the lateness of this. Also, wrestling gives us poor writers no material to work with. But hell, we can always rage against Matt Hardy and his bitchy self…which I will get to…on with the show…
Raw
It’s sad that I will be watching this show live after this week until January. Great season of 24. If you are watching the finale tonight, you won’t be disappointed. You will be surprised at what happens and you will certainly wonder how in the hell they’re going to pull off season 5, but you certainly won’t be disappointed.
– Madaba Deli def. Shelton Benjamin and Chris Jericho
– Tajiri and Benoit decide to challenge each other in an ECW match
– Flair tries to get Bischoff to call Triple H and get him back. Eric declines so Flair storms out and finds Batista and starts yelling at him. Batista says it is HHH’s fault for leaving.
– Ric Flair def. Christian
– Christian and Tomko beat down Flair; Batista saves.
– Edge and Lita fu..errr..chat backstage.
– Masterlock challenge, Steven Richards jumps Masters and tries to make him suck on some chair, Masters bails
– Kane tells Edge never to talk to Lita again
– Benoit and Tajiri go to a no contest as Bischoff bans ECW from Raw and says he is going to bring a group of guys to One Night Stand to put an end to ECW.
– Viscera comes out after Hemme beats Candice in a pillow fight. He hits on Lillian and sings to her and rolls over and kills her.
– Kane tells Lita everything will be all right. They make out like Matt Hardy does to old pictures of Lita.
– Jericho lets Benjamin know that with everything he has going on, losing a wrestling match isn’t that big of a deal.
– Hurricane and Rosey def. Maven and Simon Dean
– Randy Orton comes out and says he can’t be drafted because he’s injured. Vince McMahon comes out, makes fun of Orton and lets him know he can be drafted and also informs everyone that the draft will take an entire month to do.
– Edge def. Kane after Lita turned on Kane.
The Raw Membrane
Legally:
– Christian and Tomko beating down Flair is assault on an AARP member.
– Eric Bischoff is guilty of ruining some hardcore fun…yup, I just said that.
– Edge is guilty of assault with a deadly briefcase.
– Lita is guilty of being a whore
Personally:
– The Madaba Deli vs. Y2J/Shelton match was pretty basic.
– I couldn’t give a shit that Triple H isn’t on the show, so why bother me?
– Yup, lets have Christian job to a senior citizen and then push him against Cena. Real smart move. Next thing you know they’ll have Hogan back with the World Title.
– Edge and Lita backstage acting is like watching bad porn acting. Come to think of it, if you mixed the Chyna sex tape with the R Kelly pissing tape, you might have an Edge/Lita tape.
– Holy shit they brought Steven Richards back after his injury and put him in a…GASP…angle!? That makes sense!?
– Well, I entertained buying an ECW ticket. Now I won’t. I don’t want to see them run an angle.
– I wish I had something witty to say about the Viscera stuff, but I’d rather cry in a corner with a Mysterio mask.
– Kane assuring Lita that Edge won’t be a threat to her would be funny if he added “vaginally” after he said it.
– The way they are going with Jericho, it’s setting him up to be screwed when his contract ends. They can go “…his outside projects made him quit.”
– Wow, Stacy with a mask on. LET’S HAVE A DIVA SEARCH!
– Holy shit, did Randy Orton get AIDS? Since Vince McMahon made fun of him, I’d guess that he did, in fact, get AIDS. Vince is a funny guy like that.
– I’ll pay WWE if they have Kane take the nickname “Angelic Diablo.” I swear I will.
– Lita and Edge looked into each other. Good for them, I hope they are happy with each other. At the least, they were able to move on.
Smackdown…err..what was the Pay Per View?
Sorry, but I had to deal with a Carnival for my Fire Department, so I missed Smackdown and in terms of paying for that show last night, you can cue Vinnie Macs music. But hell, I’ll give my blind two cents…
– Sparky Plugg should not have a damn job, let alone a tag team partner and a title shot. They should have fired his ass along with Billy Gunn.
– How many people are going to use the damn F-5? Also, how many people are going to hit their “off the shoulders” finisher on Big Show. It was impressive from Brock, slightly more so from Lil’ John Cena, but Matt Morgan is stuttering fool and they’re using this to get him over?
– Paul London is psychotic.
– Does Angle get the gutterslut in return for the job?
– Heidenreich is like a mutant Eugene
– Viva la chair in the face…bitch!
– Wait, they tried to make JBL look smart by quitting? I don’t get it. I like that it was a bloodbath, but I don’t get it.
The Crown Of Thorns…is yours
Ok, here’s the deal. I have 5, maybe 6 consistent readers. The rest just show up thinking I’m selling porn or they can finally buy their crack from me online. I am going to reward you by doing this. After Raw, after Smackdown, email me with your predictions for next weeks show. I will print EVERY LAST PREDICTION. So email me all of your many predictions.
With her being the remaining woman without a damn thing to do, she could very well become the psycho again and get with Kane. That’s what I want. Not the Kane thing, because she’s mine…all mine, but I’ll be very pleased with a psycho turn.
Visit Victoria at ViciousVixen.com
– Matt F’N Hardy, why can’t you just shut up? Everyone who knows this column knows that I have supported the poor guy, but not anymore. Want to know why? Because he can’t stop. He can’t shut the hell up and I’m sick of it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t support Edge or Lita, but I am sick of Hardy’s bitching. Take a peek, with my thoughts in bold:
Hello everyone.
What up
I just wanted to update everyone on the rapidly-changing soap opera that is known as my life. Several people have asked my opinion on the angle last week involving my former girlfriend (FGF) and former close friend (FCF), and if I will continue to watch the WWE product. 12 year old girls from Argentina don’t count. To begin with, the angle is obviously nauseating to me because it strikes such a personal nerve within me. I obviously see why the company did it, but that doesn’t mean it was a good moral or business decision. What are you, Bret Hart? At least he had a country that looked up to him, you have a website with f*cking ***hugz*** I won’t be watching Raw anymore on Monday nights, I refuse to support a situation that has wronged me so much. I would’ve stopped when they fired me, idiot If you do watch or attend the live shows, now is the time to chant for me if you’d like. Because I’m starving, lonely, and so cold. My FGF and FCF have already been put together on-air, so nothing worse can happen from my personal perspective. They could f*ck on air It’s much better to chant “You screwed Matt” or “We want Matt”, as opposed to chanting for whoever they plug into my real-life role in the storyline. Bitch please, go beg for your job back. Don’t let them pass the heat–chanting “Matt” shows you’re much smarter than they make you out to be. Or as big of an idiot Matt wants you to be They hate to hear any Matt chants because it’s extremely rebellious and they really can’t do anything to stop it except acknowledge me. As rebellious as the “Angelic Diablo” That’s like a gay porn.
As you all know, I’ve been utterly disappointed in my FGF throughout all of this horseshit, and especially last Monday. Especially last Monday? How about when she was riding Edge? She’s obviously wrapped up in what her “character” is doing, but to go through with the angle speaks volumes about her true feelings and character. She makes money, you’re unemployed…get it? You can always say no to something if you’re not comfortable with it. …and get fired After treating her so good for so long, it’s amazing how quick someone could forget that. Well you didn’t treat her right in bed, fool. Maybe it was when you were about to blow and went VEEEEEEEEEONE! Uh…uh…shit! I’m sure all of you remember how I always spoke highly of my FGF, I always went out of my way to compliment her–she obviously didn’t appreciate it very much. Yes, you complimented her Screech, but Lisa still doesn’t want you. It’s been nice having Lori to hang out with, she has been an incredible person who truly appreciates all the things we do for one another. It’s been very strange spending time with Lori instead of my FGF, but very comforting. Translation: I cry myself to sleep every night while listening to Lita’s entrance theme over and over.
I have alot of irons in the fire as far as the future goes. In a few short weeks, the Matt and Jeff Hardy Ultimate Insiders DVD will be for sale on the ‘net–it is a must have for Matt and Jeff fans. While I cry to you like a little girl, buy my shit! It includes interviews with us individually and together–many, many hours worth. It also includes never before seen indy matches involving the both of us, as well as stuff from our backyard days–stuff the WWE wouldn’t show. Look, it’s Honky Tonk Man part 2! There are so many neat extras you guys will love–even Jeff and I doing commentary over some of our matches. “Dude, I took seventeen painkillers after that match. Then I made out with Jeff. Shortly after that, I’m gonna take a vacation to Orlando on July 17th through the 19th, should be fun. I have a job soon! I have so many great projects I’m working on–some wrestling related and some not. I’ll make sure to keep everyone updated, thanks for the love and support. Yes, because outside of the little girls, we care…a bunch…right.
Matt
Also, Hardy called last Monday’s angle a tragedy…check out Hyatte, as he has the perfect reaction to it.
Now, my message to Matt Hardy:
***Walks up and smacks Matt in face while kicking him in the nuts***
Matt,
Shut up. Hyatte told you that you could have your job back if you shut up. But you didn’t. Now you’ll rot in TNA, jobbing to J-E-HA HA-Double F…you know the rest. The dumb girls on your site that say things like: Matty!!!
*tacklehug* Hevia Note: I want to choke this person
It’s good to see you here again, and even better to see you getting on with your life. I agree with you about RAW, though. I haven’t watched it for an age, and I refuse to do so while ‘ol Snaggletooth and She Who Shall Not Be Named are in that angle.
It’s gotta be a poke in the WWE’s eye to see you so busy. Not bad for a guy who couldn’t draw. Hope you enjoy your time off in Orlando. Just try and get your cute NC butt over to Ireland……..PLEASE?
*puts on puppy dog eyes, and begs* ***HEVIA ASSAULTS***
…are complete f*cking idiots. But you’re pandering to them. If you honestly think that this is helping anything you will ever do, you’re an idiot. People felt bad for you. Key word is FELT. But you kept crying…and kept crying. Now you sit there and make up characters for yourself, much like the dumb ones you and Jeff had over 10 years ago. Instead of taking acting classes to learn how to not sound like Linda McMahon in your promos, you’re whining on your web page. Look at what that girl said above! “It’s gotta be a poke in WWE’s eye to see you so busy.” The only person that got poked here was Lita. WWE doesn’t give a shit about you anymore and I’ll tell you why: They own WCW. You have nowhere of substance to go. TNA and Koala Refinery or whatever their backer is will never legitamtely compete with WWE. You blew your chance to get back in. Now you have to shut the f*ck up and not talk about WWE. Tell your “fans” where you’re going to be wrestling. Don’t give your insight into their booking. It means jack shit. Just shut up and let it go, you idiot.
– WWE Fantasy is now free. Hell, if they’re going to make that much off of ECW, they might as well give something back.
– From the grave, Al Wilson finally got Dawn Marie pregnant.
– Smackdown got moved to Friday, spurring a ridiculous amount of “OH MY GOD!” from the net. They got off lucky. I think Smackdown might be on BET by this time next year.
– Jeff Hardy got suspended. I don’t see him crying like a bitch on the web.
– AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels signed long term with TNA. By long term, they mean until it goes under.
– Undertaker is having another demon spawn. Word is that when the child comes out, it will kick on the doctors out of the room because they don’t know how to work “ovarian style.”
As Eric and I like to say, nothing to work with. Sucks to be us, even worse for you. Hopefully someone will kick the bucket or get fired before Thursday. Until then…later bitches.
