In Memoriam: Thurl Ravenscroft. He was grrrrrrrreat.
Okay, time for This Week’s Excuse For No Short Form Last Week. This is actually a legitimate one. No exhaustion or apathy involved or anything like that. Friday night was a definite “no”; the plant turned into Mechanical Breakdown Alley and we didn’t get out of there until 1:30 AM. Then on Saturday, I had to go to an ex-co-worker’s house to try to do something with her computer because it was running dog-slow (the “ex-co-worker” part meaning that she got fired, not me; well, not yet anyway in my case). She knew that it was spyware and trojans, but I was amazed at how much there was. At least ten different variants of CoolWebSearch, a few scattered bits of other spyware, and a couple of trojans. It took me almost five hours to use automatic tools and then track down the other buggers manually (thank you, Symantec Anti-Virus, which I threw on before I started the whole process). After either killing or completely neutering whatever was there, I spent another three hours installing and upgrading Windows XP and various other shit on her system. That killed the whole day right there.
As for actually cramming it in on Sunday, no go, thank you. I finally, FINALLY, got the last part that I needed for the gut rehab on my computer on Friday (a shitty little 20-24 pin power adapter), and on Sunday, I decided to tackle that. Well, since my case was open, I decided to try refurbishing one of my 80G hard drives for said friend above, but failed to do so (possibly because I’d accidentally knocked out the power on one of my USB devices, since I had some problems later due to the same thing). So I just plugged and debugged, and then since XP decided to go Blue-Screen City on me during boot, installing XP 64-Bit on it (ah, the advantages of having an Athlon 64 in this puppy). That ate up all day Sunday, and the reinstall of my stuff (and figuring out what worked and what didn’t on XP 64-bit) took up what I had left on Monday. So I’m sitting here at 9 AM today actually starting this.
You know what this means: One-Hour Special, since I have to waste two hours doing Raw. And I have a prescription waiting for me at Wal-Mart to boot (and a good thing too; I’m almost out of coffee and soda). Not to mention there are about seven jobs on QuickHire that I have to apply for. So let’s just get on with it…
THE PIMP SECTION
Memo to Lucard: I do love the Daleks. Weird to think that they’re eleven months older than I am.
The PC releases outlined by Misha suck, but I still have to reinstall my games, so that’ll take away the sting of no new quality releases.
Gloomchen loves early Madonna, and so do I. And best of all, we both loathe “Holiday”. I turn off the radio when that sucker comes on. Although Gloomie gets negative points for not including a Metropolis reference when talking about the “Express Yourself” video.
Hatton and his pals kibitz Raw to death in a manner that I have to envy.
Ah, true, Hevia, it doth suck to be us with lack of material to work with.
Truncellito talks about two tag teams that I don’t give one shit about.
Stevens has DC up and running, but Marvel isn’t up yet at the time of writing.
Urciuolo talks boxing this week. Gee, something else I don’t give a shit about.
And to the guy who wrote Hyatte saying that I do cut-and-paste for retards, well, here’s my explanation: I don’t have any inside sources because I’m too “intellectual” for them to read (I got this from a reliable second-hand source…okay, Fleabag). So I have to go with cut-and-paste from various sites. 1bullshit Junior is always a good source for retarded stories that I can comment on, and my Wednesday column always works because no one has the time to actually, like, go to news sites and keep up with the news (I get lots of e-mail saying that people don’t know about certain stories, and they appreciate what I do, including one reader from Russia who gave me his side of the Khodorkovsky story). So there. Samuda pioneered the style, Scaia stole it, but I perfected it. So f*ck them.
IF YOU BLEED, YOU CAN FUCK
From Big Johnson at 1bullshit Junior (hey, asshole, I always credit my sources):
NBC affiliate WAFF channel 48 in Huntsville, Alabama aired an investigative piece on their evening broadcast Monday night focusing on alleged underage sex involving wrestlers working for Mickey Henry’s American Championship Wrestling, which runs events and a wrestling school out of Boaz, Alabama.
The piece featured comments from a woman named Tracy, who’s true identity was obscured but was listed as a wife of one of the wrestlers, claiming that wrestlers would scan the crowd looking for girls to have sex with when they were out in the ring, then have the girls brought to the backstage areas.
Sherry Swindall, a child therapist from The Marshall County Children’s Advocacy Center noted they have received complaints about “the ring” (the term the promotion was referred to by numerous times during the report) over the past three years, with girls in their early teens or pre-teens involved. The report noted that the girls are referred to as “ring rats” and that in many cases, the girls involved don’t even know the real names of the wrestlers they’ve been involved with, just their stage names. Swindall claimed to have had as many as twelve children claimed inappropriate behavior.
First of all, what’s the age of consent in Alabama? According to a quick Google search, it’s sixteen. Southern states have this weird thing going on about age of consent. In the north, it’s usually about eighteen. In the south, it’s lower.
Second of all, it should be “whose”, not “who’s”. Big Johnson should know this by now. He’s supposed to be a writer and all that. Goddamn, I hate possessives when not properly used. Just neurotic on my behalf, I guess.
Now, are you really going to blame the guys? They’re usually in their early twenties, and they’ve got hot young pieces of ass out in the audience willing to put out for them. What guy is going to resist that? The fault lies with the kids who ended up complaining to Child Welfare. Talk about hypocritical. They’re ring rats at thirteen to fifteen. They should just admit to themselves that they’re whores and not bother going to the authorities.
If this sounds like I’m condoning underage sex, it’s not true. I’m just pointing the finger of blame in the direction that it should belong. Doesn’t the word “no” exist in their vocabulary? They’re the ones leading the guys into statutory rape by parading themselves around. The only time I came close to doing that was by f*cking a girl in my dorm under a ping-pong table as a freshman in college. Luckily, the age of consent in Texas, where I was at the time, is seventeen, so she didn’t commit statutory rape (I was seventeen at the time, she was eighteen). And if I was a year younger, I wouldn’t have gone to the f*cking authorities, because, hey, I would have been a sixteen-year-old guy getting some from a blonde chick.
So this is just another TV station trying to get ratings (during May Sweeps) by bitching about underage sex in a business that, frankly, has done this for years. Tor Johnson (of Ed Wood movie fame, but a pro wrestler before this) admitted that when he was touring India, he got a thirteen-year-old in bed, but was disgusted by her lack of hygeine. And no one bitched. So it’s go-with-the-flow. The only thing I’d be complaining about is that the married guys are getting some on the side. I do believe in monogamy in marriage. Maybe that’s what Big Johnson should have mentioned.
OH, WHAT A SHOCK
Again from Big Johnson:
There was a major problem between Rick Steiner and sometimes Ring of Honor wrestler Vordell Walker. Steiner refused to talk with Vordell or the other young wrestler Erik Stevens before the match leaving a very friendly Dustin Rhodes to plan out the match. As soon as Steiner got in the ring with Vordell he immediately forced Vordell’s head down and gave several shoot kicks with the point of his boot to Vordell’s face and mouth. He then attempted to mount him but Vordell managed to get out of it and to his feet and began throwing shoot kicks at Steiner to defend himself. They went at it again and Vordell got Steiner down and appeared to get the best of Steiner until Dustin reached over and made the tag to get Vordell out of the ring. The next time they were in the ring together, things broke down again as Steiner attempted to powerbomb Vordell over the top rope to the hard floor. Vordell refused to go along with the move and fought away from Steiner. At this point, Steiner and Rhodes fought to the floor and out to the concession area. As Steiner was selling for Rhodes, Vordell came running with a shoot kick to Steiner’s face and then the dressing room pretty much cleared and Vordell was taken to the back while Erik Stevens simply left and Steiner and Rhodes finished the match by themselves. After the match security kept the two away from each other. Steiner apparently apologized afterwards for his actions and said he was just trying to “rough the kid up a little” and obviously didn’t expect the shoot trained Walker to be be able to give it right back and hold his own.
So the brother of the poster child for ‘Roid Rage went shoot in the ring against an opponent. This is why WWE never wanted him (that and the fact that his dominant ring persona was that of a complete retard and he was incapable of playing anything else). Apparently he’s discovered that his minimal if non-existent talent has gone down the tubes, and this is the only way he can make money. And selling for Goldust? My ass he did. No one in any logical position would do so. Look at TNA for utter proof of that assertion. Maybe they were using this as an audition for getting into the ECW PPV. But no one wants to see either of them again. Steiner has always been a shell of himself ever since he was given a singles push (and actually turned into a worse wrestler than his Dianabol-filled brother). Goldust can’t get a job without playing to daddy’s stroke in NWA (and notice how much he’s turned up since Daddy lost the book there). So there they are in Indy-Land playing off their past reps. No excuse for this puppy no matter how you spin it. Just suck it up, guys, and admit that there is no room for you in wrestling, then get another job. I hear that Food Lion’s hiring.
WELCOME TO “TOO GODDAMN OLD” CITY
Here’s a notice that I got from Big Johnson via Diamond Dallas Page’s website (I don’t visit wrestling performers’ websites due to the utter spin placed on every situation with them viz. Matt Hardy):
Diamond Dallas Page discussed his departure from TNA in a new commentary on his official website, www.diamonddallaspage.com. Page wrote, “I came to TNA with Hall and Nash to help TNA get the visibility to secure a wider audience. At this time, I believe they’re close to getting a major cable network and I wish them the best. I want to thank Dixie, Jeff, Jerry, Dusty, and the rest of the gang there are TNA. They were tremendous to work with and I wish them all the luck in the world. Dusty’s stepping down had nothing to do with me leaving… it was time to step away from wrestling for a while… I will still be doing the occasional house show just to keep my timing… As a matter of fact, I had a phenomenal time working with my mentor (Dusty) the entire time I was there. It made wrestling fun again. I like the part where they wrote that I was able to earn back a portion of my legacy and they were right. The fans were great there at TNA. All I know is that it’s been a great ride for me from… A to Z, but right now I have so many things happening. I have three movies that are in the pipeline that should happen by the end of the year… It’s positive … but it’s all Positive Bullsh*t till it happens.” Page also discusses his recent role on HBO’s Entourage (which also featured Jake Roberts, Jimmy Snuka, and Nikolai Volkoff), his upcoming yoga book and more.
Another “retirement”? There’s two reasons for this: 1) WWE made him an offer to, say, challenge High-Quality Speaker Boy after the draft (which should be great on the mic if nothing else) or 2) He’s finally realized that he’s in his fifties and decided to stop behaving like a guy half his age. Having “three movies in the pipeline” supports the WWE conclusion since otherwise those movies wouldn’t be green-lighted under any circumstance. At least he admits it. Mistah Falkenburg is one of the more honest guys in the business, and I really do wish him well. He’s contributed a lot more than his in-ring talent allowed him to thanks to his great skill on the mic.
I do wonder about two things, though: 1) Has he ever f*cked an underage ring rat behind Kimberly’s back? and 2) Will he admit to doing yoga in the nude since he likes to go au naturel under any circumstance (viz Mick Foley)?
Speaking of TNA, I’ll throw out a “Get Well” to Mike “Dropkick” Posey, who was hospitalized over the weekend for appendicitis. But let’s switch companies and get to Raw…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari over Shelton Benjamin, Handicap Match (Pinfall, Daivari pins Benjamin, Hassan face-first DDT): A showcase match for Benjy here, to further establish his credentials, as if the Michaels match didn’t do that already. He’s got an IC title feud at last, but the question is, who does he have the feud with? Personally, I’d throw the belt on Daivari, because he’s the more entertaining of the two, but “creative” is going to dump it on Hassan in order to give him more heat. That’s when Daivari goes full face and takes the title from Hassan. Well, at least that’d what I’d do. And if Jericho goes full heel at some point, Daivari has an insta-feud. So I’ve got the IC title mapped out for the next few months. Of course, they could f*ck this up by sending Jericho to Smackdown in order to pump up the ratings for the Friday death slot. Hey, who knows at this point?
Chris Masters over Stevie Richards (Submission, MasterLock): Gee, Chris Masters in an actual match. Against Raw’s and Heat’s favorite JTTS. Can you say “fast-forward”?
Chris Jericho over Sylvain Grenier (Submission, Walls of Jericho): Chris Jericho’s punishment for missing the tag match is a match against Sylvain Grenier. Another fast-forward situation. Hell, I had the result typed in before the match even started, including the finisher.
Chris Benoit over Yoshihiro Tajiri, “ECW-Style” Match (Submission, kendo stick-assisted crossface): Too short for any real fun, but it was a teaser for things to come. Expect more of this stuff before the PPV. A Smackdown ECW-style match with the cruisers would be one helluva sight. Wonder if Paul London can wrestle garbage, because he and Rey-Rey doing this shit would be something to remember.
Dave Batista over Edge, World Title Match (Pinfall, DAVEBomb): In addition to the cliched match (which really didn’t suit either of them), we get the Trip run-in after the match, which was done simply to set up the title match at the PPV. It’s not going to be the best HitC we’ve ever had (I really don’t think Batista is ready for something like that, although his blading at the end of the assault might prove me wrong), but it’ll be adequate.
Angle Developments:
The Problem Is You: Both Lita and Edge cut great promos at the beginning of the show (as some people have said, she did her best promo since her ECW days as Miss Congeniality). However, there’s a problem there that can’t be resolved. I don’t care how much they f*ck behind the scenes. They just have zero chemistry together on camera. They’re relying on a little kissing and a little snuggling to get over the fact that they’re a couple, but it’s just not convincing enough. The off-camera stuff may be a long-term thing, but the on-camera stuff is doomed.
Obsequies: As everyone knows, I rarely mark out over anything. But seeing Vince, Bisch, and Paul E. in the same ring together…damn, that’s a dream come true. And the cherry on top was that all three cut terrific promos, as we all knew they could do, but in combination was incredible. The shoot aspects were wonderful. Vince finally went public about supporting ECW and Bisch went public about his talent raids, something that smarks knew about forever, but was never admitted in front of an audience. And this may open up a whole new vista for WWE. If One-Night Stand is a success (and it could end up having the highest buy rate of any WWE PPV this year other than WM), then Vince might be tempted to do an ECW PPV once a year, and maybe bring back Starrcade for December (thus making his statement about WCW being dead a lie; shit, it’s not baseball season, so Fat Tony is available). Maybe Heyman can come back in an on-camera role (let’s face it, the whole Heidenreich thing was a disaster for him). The PPV is a sign of good things, and maybe better things to come. I’ve never been more optimistic about WWE going in a variant direction, and this promo did it all. Thank you.
Someone’s In Need Of A Tranquilizer: Okay, let’s admit it, Kane cut a very effective promo. Enough so that I’d like to see him play Lady Macbeth. “Out, damned spot” indeed, only with a Kane twist to it.
Someone’s In Need of Saltpeter: Man, are they trying big-time to get Viscera over as a face. Stripping in the ring, assaulting Coachman, making Garcia fall for him. I’d like to ignore it, but, really, it can’t be ignored because they’re throwing it in our faces. The only thing we got out of this is that Maria is a complete f*cking moron.
And I’ll try to not be a moron and get something in tomorrow. If we’re all lucky, see you then.
About Eric Szulczewski
