OPENERS
No opening, or other stuff today. It’s time to step down, as I simply don’t have the time to do this recap anymore. I’ve got two music projects going, a machinima (creating film from video game elements) series about to be recorded and animated (I have a trailer done here, if you like – you need Windows Media Player 7 or better) and oh yeah, I work 50+ hours a week at a printing business I co-own.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy the show, or even doing the work. It’s just that I don’t have the time to do it and the other things I have going as well. I said that as soon as it becomes “work,” then I stop. So here we are.
It may seem somewhat silly, but it was always a goal of mine to get on this site, even as a recapper. So, many thanks to Widro for hiring me, and Matthew Michael for being the best Zone boss, EVER. You guys took a chance and let me run with it. James Hatton for the plugs on Monday, and to anyone who read or got a laugh out of this, thank you.
Matthew did say if I ever want to drop by for column, that I can, so I might do that sometime. But first, we’ve got a show to do…
SMACK this! (or, So Long, and Thanks For The Fish!)
(Note: I didn’t see Judgment Day, but I read that it was a fantastic show. Figures. I DID have a Roundtable entry done, but as soon as I went to press save, computer go BOOM!)
A video tells us about the winners choice battle royal from last week, and the storylines around it: Angle/Booker, and Rey/Eddy. Angle wins, and chooses Charmin, ack, Charmel.
It’s an opening video! It’s fireworks, and it’s that dopey thing. Cole, I mean. Yeah, the fist is still here; it must be WWE SmackDown! We are TAPED from Edmonton…Alberta, Canada. Tonight is the LAST time we’ll see the landscape on SD! as we know it. How appropriate. Next week, the draft begins, but tonight, a bizarre main event: Kurt Angle vs Charmel! But first, it’s Carltio’s Cabana!
It’s time. It’s TIME! IT’S CABANA TIME! Carlito gets the crowd going, telling them to make some noise! He also says that Edmonton is the least coolest city in North America! And he’s been to Wyoming. HA! Awesome. A YOU SUCK chant breaks out. The Great White North, is not cool. But what Matt Morgan did to the Big Show last week? That was cool. Let’s take a look:
Um, no cut and paste. Damnit.
Morgan came out after Carlito’s loss and ran Show into the post. Deciding that it probably wasn’t enough, he F5’s Show through the announcers table, likely pissing off Lesnar in the process. Yeah, he ain’t coming back anytime soon…
Carlito is happy to announce that Show won’t be here tonight, and if Show gets drafted to RAW, that will be the last image of Show on SmackDown. He tells Matt that he owned the Big Show, just like Carlito owns his next guest, the WWE Champion! He’s only the champ because he hasn’t had to face Carlito. Ladies and gentlemen, John Cena!
Cena comes out in an Oilers jersey. Cole and Tazz actually touch on Cena and Carlito’s history, nearly knocking me to the floor. Cena speaks! “Carlito Caribbean Cool. Pretty good spread, you got chairs, a hammock, apples, a seven foot stuttering palm tree.” Matt gets pissed and grabs a mic. “I am no p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-” Cena interrupts. “Parrot. Pediatrician. Pineapple. President of Pakistan. PE-OR-IA. (HA! That was great!) Pain in my BEEP!” Pancreas? Cena says to spit it out, and Morgan finally gets out “PALM TREE!” A CENA chant follows.
“Blackbeard, between you an me, you ever notice that when you talk, you can’t get to the p-p-p-p-p-p-point? So unless the next words out of your mouth are ‘That’s all folks’, just stick to being big, and quiet.”
Carlito says that’s it’s not a good idea to make Matt Morgan mad. He saw what Morgan did to the Big Show. And if he snaps his fingers right now, the same can happen to Cena. That would be, very cool. “Carlito, we gotta talk. Now your right, next week is the draft lottery, and this could be the last time the we are in the same ring together on SmackDown! I’m gonna be straight with you, and this may sting a bit. You’re not cool. You’re a cabana boy. You wear pastels, you sip on fruity drinks and you hang around with seven foot tall Michael Cole wanna-bes. “
Cena says to look at the facts: Matt Morgan is on SD, so is Cole. Morgan has a beard, so does Cole. Morgan, thinning black hair, Cole, thinning black hair. Matt Morgan public oils himself up and walks around in spandex; Michael Cole PRIVATELY oils himself up and walks around in spandex! “Dismissed as chance? I don’t think so.” A small MICHAEL COLE chant breaks out, and Tazz quips “Well, there’s a first time for everything.” Carlito says Cena is funny, but he can’t wait until next week, when maybe HHH, or Edge, or Shawn Michaels (big boos – get over it already) comes to SD! and embarrasses Cena.
Cena says everyone is making a big deal about the draft; he doesn’t care about who you are or which show you come from. “If it’s Carlito or Chris Jericho, Booker T or Batista, Torrie Wilson or Trish Stratus, Tony Chimel or Lilian Garcia (DROOOL), Harry Carey or Ron Steel or David Hasselhoff; you want some, come get some!” Cena said it sounds like Carlito wants some, so he talked to our SD! GM, TL before he came out, and Morgan and Carlito will be in a tag match, against Cena. AND a partner, who WILL be here by the end of the night – the Big Show!
AWESOME segment. Cena just keeps getting better on the mic. Carlito is no slouch either.
A promo for the Draft Lottery, starting next week! NO EXCEPTIONS!
Commercials.
The SMACK of the night shows us how MNM used a chair and were disqualified in their title defense against Hass and Hardcore.
Backstage, our SD! GM, TL is chatting with someone on the phone, when Booker T. can Charmel drop by. Booker wants Charmel out of the match, but Teddy says Angle won the battle royal; he gets anybody on SmackDown. Booker said Teddy had better do something about it, or he’s gonna do something he might regret. Teddy says to back off playa, here’s what he’s gonna do: tonight, it will be Kurt Angle vs Charmel. AND Booker T., two on one. Long: “Why don’t you handle your business?” Good GOD, Teddy Long is awesome in this role.
15 Minute Iron Man Tag Team Match: WWE Tag Team Championship: MNM (c) vs Hardcore Holly and Charlie Hass. This match is unique, to say the least, as the winners are the team with the most pinfalls in 15 minutes. It will only work if they don’t cut to commercial somewhere in the middle. I gotta admit, that is a fantastic entrance.
FIRST FALL
Nitro and Hass start it off. Nitro talks trash and goes for a boot, but Hass trips him up and gets a quick one count. Hass gets a school boy for two, and a right that sends Nitro to the outside. Hass pull him back in and gets another quick two count. Nitro heads for the entranceway to buy some time. Nitro is on the hop; Hass drops down, leapfrogs, and then crossbody blocks for another two. Hass has an arm wringer and tags in Hardcore, but Nitro backs out to the apron. Nitro wants a tag, but Mercury says no way. As Nitro walks away, Mercury gets back to the corner, so Nitro rushes him in a tag. Hardcore brings Mercury in over the top, but Mercury lifts a knee and sends Hardcore to the corner, head first. Mercury hits Hardcore with a big open handed chop. Hardcore is sent for the ride, but he ducks under and school boys Mercury for two. Hardcore ducks a clothesline and hits a belly-to-back suplex for another two. Mercury sent for the ride, but Hardcore reverses and goes to roll up Mercury. But Mercury grabs the ropes, so Hardcore does that silly “it’s a low blow, but it’s above the beltline” spot. Hardcore with jack knife cover (as Tazz called it) for another two. Mercury is in the opposite corner, and Hardcore tees off on him with a pair of rights and FIVE MAN SIZED CHOPS. Day-um. Holly with another chop in the other corner, then send Mercury back. But Hardcore eats some boot on a blind charge, giving Mercury the chance to climb to the top – high cross body, but Hardcore rolls through for a long, LONG two count. Hardcore goes for the Alabama Slam, but Malina distracts the ref so Nitro can superkick Hardcore into a Mercury rollup for the first fall. MNM is up, 1-0.
SECOND FALL
Hardcore is sent to the corner, so Nitro tags in and does a running knee in the corner. Nitro with a pair of stomps, and some choking. Hardcore fights back with some chops, and nails a hiptoss and an armdrag. Hardcore hits a small package n Nitro for two. Hardcore works on the arm, but Nitro elbows out. Hardcore reverses a whip, and catches Nitro in a deep armdrag. Nitro fights out of the armbar again and goes for a suplex, but Hardcore reverse out into a rollup for two. Holly pounds on Nitro and oh crap, we’ve gotta go to…
Commercials.
THIRD FALL
We’r back and MNM is working over Hass; during the commercial break, MNM picked up another fall. Cripes, what’s the point if you’re not going to show all of it? As I typed that, Hass picked up a fall when Mercury went for an Oklahoma roll, which Hass reversed, making it 2-1 in favor of MNM.
FOURTH FALL
Mercury clotheslines Hass down from behind. Nitro tags back in and ties up Hass in the ropes, choking him. Hass tries to kick out, and Hardcore come over to pull him free. He tries to get Hass toward their corner, but Nitro blindsides him. Nitro drops an elbow on the back of Hass’ neck, and struts for the crowd. Hass tries to fight back, but Nitro tosses him outside. Four minutes left. Hass tries to get back in, but Nitro knees him off the apron. Hardcore goes out and sends Hass back in, but he can’t make it to the corner. Mercury tags back in and chokes Hass on the ropes, and them kicks him, tagging in Nitro. Nitro punches him a couple of times, and tags Mercury back in. Nitro sends Hass to the corner, then whips Mercury into him, but Hass moves, Mercury eats buckle, and Nitro eats clothesline. Fat free! Two minutes left. Mercury grabs Hass’ leg, but he enziguris a rising Nitro. Mercury again grabs the leg, but Hass kicks out and make the tag to Hardcore! HE’S A HOUSE ON FIRE, JIM! /Caudle. Hardcore dishes out a pair of clotheslines for each, a BAAAAAAAAAAAAACK bodydrop for Mercury and a hurracanrana (!?!?!?!?) for Nitro. Holy crap! Full nelson slam for Mercury gets two, as Nitro breaks it up. Hardcore catapults Nitro to the outside and sends Mercury for the ride. There’s the BIG dropkick! It gets two. One minute left. Hardcore climb the ropes, but Nitro knocks him down. MNM does the Snapshot pose, and knocks Hass of the apron for good measure. MNM goes for the Snapshot, but Hass rushes Nitro and takes them both out of the ring. Hardcore gets the Alabama Slam, but Malina comes in with 10 seconds left and covers Mercury. Hardcore pulls her off, but by the time he gets the cover, time has run out. MNM wins, 2-1.
**. Could have been better, but it felt like two separate matches: Holly vs MNM and Hass vs MNM. Oh well. On second thought, the commercial break WAS better. But the cool ending helped. And it IS a neat concept.
Tonight: Carlito and Morgan vs Cena and Show!
Commercials.
Cole and Tazz introduce a LONG video package that recaps the whole Eddy/Rey saga.
Next, 2 on 1!
Kinky.
Commercials. I want the WMXXI DVD set, just for the trailers.
These ECW promos are great. I’m REALLY looking forward to this.
Kurt Angle comes out and has something to say. He noticed that Tazz didn’t do commentary on last weeks Invitational match. Was it because he disrespected him and ECW? In his one appearance in ECW, Tazz disrespected him. An ECW chant breaks out. Angle shows footage from the ECW TV show in 1996, where Tazz said that Angle is a great amateur, but he is a great “professional.” He realized that it wasn’t really Tazz; the devil made him do it. That devil is Paul Heyman. Angle runs Heyman and ECW down, and tells Tazz that ECW didn’t make Tazz, WWE made Tazz. He wants Tazz to join him in killing ECW once and for all. But he’s done talking; Booker T. and Charmel – let’s get it on!
It’s nice to see that they’re setting up the ECW show. I’m looking forward to seeing where this will go.
Handicrap Match: Kurt Angle vs Booker T. & Charmel. The ref says that Charmel HAS to be in the ring. Angle starts off with a kick and some rights, followed by a Euro uppercut. Angle tees off with rights on Booker in the corner, and leers at Charmel. Booker shakes it off and puts Angle in the corner, but Angle rakes the eyes to escape. Angle with more rights and boots, and sends Booker to the outside. He eyes Charmel and chases her. Charmel heads outside and runs around ringside, drawing Kurt into a Booker clothesline on the floor. Booker hits a chop, and sends Angle back inside. Booker with a pair of chops on the ropes and goes on the hop, but Angle drops and Booker crotches himself on the top rope. Angle with a body block to send Booker to the floor. Angle comes outside and stalks Charmel, who trips herself up on the steps. Angle grabs her and sends her back inside. He sets her up for a powerbomb, but instead grinds his pelvis where her head is. Booker comes in from behind and nails Kurt with a forearm. Booker chops him down, and them mounts him a delivers a bunch of rights. BIG TIME BOOKEND! But he doesn’t go for the cover, electing instead to go up top. Angle was playing possum, and knocks Booker down. Angle with a superplex and both men are down. Charmel goes for a cover, but Angle gets a shoulder up at two. Charmel tries to get Booker up as we go to…
Commercials.
We’re back, and Angle has Booker in an armbar. Booker fights out after a time with some rights, the backs Angle into the corner with his rights/chops combo. Booker sends Angle to the opposite corner, but Angle moves on the BLIND charge, and hooks Booker from behind. Count ’em with me! ONE! TWO! THREE GERMAN SUPLEXES!!! AH HA HA HA! Charmel gets brave and jumps on Kurt’s back, trying to choke him, but Angle snapmares her over. Kurt puts her in a body scissors, and starts stroking her face. This is just disturbing. I really don’t care for this angle. Booker kicks Angle in the head to break it up, and then checks on Charmel. Angle is sent for the ride, but he ducks the clothesline and hits the Angle Slam for two. Angle pulls the straps down and stalks Charmel into the corner. Charmel snaps and slaps Kurt a couple of times, then bites him on the nose! Charmel pinwheels her arms and hits Kurt, who is dazed. She goes for a kick, but Kurt grabs her leg, and twists her down into an Ankle Lock. Before she can tap, Booker comes in with a sidekick to the head. Booker with a right and a pair of transition clotheslines before set Angle up for the axe kick. But Angle moves and shoves Booker in the corner occupied by the ref and Charmel, sending them all down. Booker calls for help; as Angle goes for him, Booker hits another sidekick to send Angle outside. Booker tries to get Charmel to her feet, but Angle is back in with a chair, and wallops Booker twice. He kicks Booker to the floor and goes after Charmel. She tries to fight, but Angle hooks under into a school girl for the three count. Post match, Angle mounts her and goes to kiss her, but Booker comes in with the chair to send Angle running. **1/2 for the match, but yowza, I can’t stand the angle.
Tonight, it’s Carlito and Morgan vs Cena and Show.
Woah. Deja Vu.
Commercials. The Tommy Dreamer video ROCKED. Seriously.
We get a nice little “Cena On Tour” video package.
Heidenreich comes out, and says he came to Edmonton to one thing: to find a new friend!
He finds a cute girl with the most annoying voice in existence. He reads his new disasterpiece, here for you, now:
“The future of Heidenreich is uncertain tonight,
with the glow of the draft lottery shinning so bright.
Heidenreich likes to make new friends;
how will it be determined? By how the lottery ends.
New friends for me on the scene;
HHH, Batista, or maybe Eugene!
One thing’s for certain, you know about me:
If you’re not my friend, you’re my enemy!
And that was a poem by Heidenreich!”
Jobbers on TV in the New Millennium: Heidenreich vs Devon Nicholson. Cole calls the disasterpiece “fair,” and I have to agree. Lockup, and Devon hits a pair of rights. Heidy says “YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT” and pounds away on Devon in the corner. Heidy with a corner whip, but reverses and hits a short clothesline. Tazz sidesteps the Angle question by Cole. Heidy sends Devon for the ride and nails his spinning side slam for the win. DUD. It’s still cute, but they need to find someone for him to feud with, and not be just a “Bushwhacker” recast.
Backstage, Mark Jindrak chats with Divas. He says if he goes to RAW, it will be SD’s loss. But if he stays, he hopes we get some new Divas, because these girls are getting old. We need some new hoes, that put out! The Divas get angry and throw power and eye shadow at him. THAT’S what Charmel should have done. Cole: “Charmel with a powder base to the ribs!”
Okay, maybe not.
Commercials. I love how Cena said Peoria earlier, and they do have a show there sometime soon.
Nunzio comes out, and again, Cole asks Tazz about Angle’s offer. Tazz sidesteps. JBL comes out and has something to say.
“The reason that I don’t have on a cowboy hat right now, because of all these stiches in my head, the same reason I’m walking funny; because of my bad back is one reason, and one reason only, and that is ECW. (to Nunzio) Your company. Wrestling is no longer a pure sport. Barbed wire steel cage matches, I quit matches, being thrown into my own limousine. All of this happened because of ECW. You call Paul Heyman a genius? Paul Heyman has the audacity to take credit for great superstars like Benoit, Guerrero, Mysterio, Stone Cold, Mick Foley and the Dudleys. Paul Heyman taking credit for their talent is like Al Gore taking credit for the internet. NEWSFLASH: PAUL HEYMAN IS A LIAR. At least Al Gore didn’t live in the basement with his mommy. At least Al Gore didn’t bounce a bunch of checks; he bounced one to you too, didn’t he? To his buddies. You’ll get your chance son. At least Al Gore wasn’t such a bad business man, that Vince McMahon had to give him half a million dollars to bail him out, and he blew that money too. The captain of the Titanic got one shot at the iceberg; Paul Heyman has now gotten three. Of course, Al Gore didn’t run for President in a bingo hall. Quite simply, the company who you want to chant his name, the guy you worked for, is a big, fat, lying, pig, stooge, with a skullet. He gave you Sandman, he gave you Lance Storm, and he gave you the Blue Meanie. You give these guys a gimmick and a kendo stick and call them wrestlers; I call it trash. And you people, you people ate it up. You people loved it. You people bought the ECW DVD in record numbers. What about my pay per view? What about my DVD? Why do you chant ECDub, when you people can chant J-B-L. ECW: stay out of New York City; that’s my hometown. And while these people may love you, and they may chant ECDub in every arena I go to, you will not invade my hometown of New York. I am proud to become the leader in the crusade against ECW. I’m proud to join Kurt Angle and Eric Bishcoff to run ECW out of business, once again. And this math right now, will last about as long as ECW. But since I’m a giving person, how about we make this match an ECW rules match?” Nunzio agrees and it’s on!
ECW Rules: Nunzio vs John Bradshaw Layfield w/The Cabinet. JBL hits a BIG BOOT on Nunzio to start. He tosses Nunzio outside and sends the cabinet after him. The Cabinet follows, but Nunzio went under the ring. He comes out the other side, kendo stick in hand, and lies in wait on the floor. JBL comes over and Nunzio nails him with the stick. He gets in the ring and nails all of the Cabinet with the stick, but JBL drops him with another big boot. The clothesline from HECK knocks him down, and JBL tells the Cabinet to hold him. He whacks Nunzio in the head with the stick and gets the three. DUD. No match, but the promo was great.
Backstage, Booker T. chats with our SD! GM, TL. He wants Angle and he wants this to stop. By any means necessary. Teddy says the draft is next week, but if Angle and Booker are still on SD, then he will get Angle!
Next: The last dance!
Commercials.
RAW Rebound. This Monday on the Highlight reel, Jericho talks with the #1 pick. Read about with the RABBLE!
Main Event: John Cena & The Big Show vs Carlito & Matt Morgan.Show has a taped shoulder and ribs from the F5 on the table last week. Show starts for his team, but Morgan and Carlito can’t decide. Finally, Carlito goes in, but when Show lunges for him, he jumps back out. Cena comes around and sends Carlito back in, so Show lays into him with the “skillet” like chops in the corner. Morgan comes over, but Show piefaces him off the apron. Show military presses Carlito, and tosses him onto Morgan as we head to our final set of…
Commercials.
We’re back, and Morgan is tagging in. Show with a boot, and sends him to his corner. Two big chops by Show leads to a Cena tag, who pounds Morgan in the gut. Cena sends Morgan to the corner, and actually hits the eyeble. Amazing. Cena hits a BIG bodyslam and drops an elbow for two. Cena sends Morgan in, but Morgan reverses and hits a BIG boot (a lot of them tonight..). Morgan kicks Cena a bunch, and then chokes him. More kicks and a scoop slam lead to a running elbow drop for two. Morgan chokes again. Another slam, with one hand this time. He missed the elbow though, and Cena makes the tag to Show. Clothesline for Morgan! Another! Clothesline for Carlito! Show sends Carlito out of the ring, and Morgan for the ride. Well, it’s a BIG SIDESLAM, but Show hurt his ribs on that one. Show chokes Morgan in the corner with a boot, but Carlito comes over as the ref is distracted by Cena to grab Show’s arm and drop from the apron, pulling his arm and ribs across the top rope. Morgan is back up, and works over the ribs of Show. Carlito gets in a few cheap shots as Morgan distracts the ref. Morgan has a boot in Show’s ribs, keeping the pressure on in the corner. Carlito tags in and works over Show with kicks and double axes. He tries to headlock Show, but he is sent into Morgan, who comes in off the tag. Morgan with more kicks and punches; a side Russian leg sweep gets two. Morgan works a bearhug. The crowd tries to help, but Show goes to one knee. The crowd comes alive again, and Show elbows out. A headbutt by Show, but Morgan kicks him in the ribs again. He sends Show back to his corner and tags in Carlito. Show fights out of the corner and has Carlito in the goozle, but Morgan hits him with yet another BIG BOOT to knock him into his corner, where Cena makes the tag! Clothesline for Carlito! Clothesline for Morgan! Elbow for Carlito! Get up you stupid oaf, and have this flying shoulder block! Carlito gets hiptossed and Morgan gets a fisherman suplex! A spinning bomb for Carlito! Lots of exclamation points for the big finish! Morgan takes a right hand, and Show comes in with a boot and a clothesline over the top, taking them both out! Cena with the five knuckle shuffle (complete with apple bite)! FU gets the three! Cena goes out to check on Show and celebrates as we go off the air…**
An average end to an average show, although the promo work was very good tonight. And with that I’d like to quote “Q” from Star Trek TNG’s final episode:
“See you, out there!”
