Welcome back to The Bootleg. Did you know that yesterday was the 10-month anniversary of the launch of Inside Pulse? Yep”¦the pop culture landscape was quite a different place back then. M. Night Shyamalan strung us all along in The Village. Fox’s Method & Red set back civilization by 600 years.
Oh, and a few dozen writers from 411mania splintered off to form Inside Pulse.
After some initial awkwardness around each other, the two sites have since learned to co-exist within this incestual incubator known as the Internet. Hell, we’re getting along so well, that I thought it was high time we brought the two sites back together. Sort of.
In the time-tested tradition of this week’s attempt to shake up certain sports entertainment rosters, I reached out to a 411 writer and proposed a draft of our own. And, for the first annual Inside Pulse/411 Draft, I asked the staple of their Movie Zone and founding member of J.A.M., Joe Reid, to represent the enemy.
At the end, we’d each have a foundation of 10 writers (including ourselves)”¦Inside Pulse and 411″¦to build our own separate online entertainment endeavors.
Just a couple of things before we begin”¦First off, I know that the ol’ cut n’ paste AIM conversation approach is a bit of a chore for the reader to churn through, so for those taking the time”¦thanks in advance. Of course, if you’d rather jump into the Music Goodness Proper, just scroll on down and you’ll find it.
Second, and more importantly, I should probably state that the following is meant in fun and jest. If there are any IP or 411 writers (or their fans) out there reading this, just know that no offense is intended. Of course, I’m only speaking for myself. 411’s Joe Reid hates all of you.
Especially, you.
Joe Movies: So, when do you want to do this?
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Joe Reid…you’re on the clock
Joe Movies: Okay well, first of all I make a motion.
Joe Movies: We have to split custody of Mathan
Joe Movies: Maybe you get TV Mathan and I get Music Mathan or something.
That_Bootleg_Guy:: There’s a “half of Mathan” joke I wanna use…
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Inappropriate, I think
Joe Movies: Comics Mathan, well . . . we can keep him in the tree house and visit him.
Joe Movies: Well then, I pick the bedrock of my new Music section . . . Jeff Fernandez.
Joe Movies: The world needs obscure methods of linking to other writers, after all.
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Bastard…
That_Bootleg_Guy:: You’ve broken up The Minority Report.
Joe Movies: You made the rules, you live by ’em.
Joe Movies: Hey, I know of a certain Latina television “star” who could fill in should you pick her.
Joe Movies: Your collagen budget would triple, but . . .
That_Bootleg_Guy:: I firmly believe that every pop culture website should have a strong movies zone and with that in mind, I’m taking Leonard (Ask 411 Movies) Hayhurst number one.
Joe Movies: Side note: the best part of owning a Simpsons Season 4 DVD is the veritable smorgasbord of Grandpa quotes I’ve stockpiled for linking to Leonard.
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Ah, but now that he’s writing for me, I think I’ll clue him in to your little demented parlor game.
Joe Movies: Will we have to have wrestling zones on our new sites?
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Sadly, yes…
Joe Movies: Okay, well in that case, I’m picking the estimable J.D. Dunn; a talented wrestling writer! No lie! He also kicked ass reviewing horror flicks for the movies zone. I’ve got me a Bo Jackson-style double threat!
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Hey, a wrestling/horror movie writer…smell those hits!
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Gimme Jacob Ziegler, movie reviewer, esq…
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Movie domination is important.
Joe Movies: F*cker.
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Your new movie zone sucks
Joe Movies: Cam’s weekly movie review count: 122; Joe’s: 1.
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Hey…there’s still plenty of high quality movie guys out there.
That_Bootleg_Guy:: chuckle
Joe Movies: No bother. I’ll just pick an equally talented writer from the IP Movie Zone
Joe Movies: (we’ll clean that up in editing)
Joe Movies: It’s probably too high in the draft to pick Revenge of the Sith Reviewer #8, huh?
Joe Movies: My Movies Zone is decimated – time to wreck your sh*t music zone style!
Joe Movies: I pick . . . Gloomchen.
Joe Movies: The only writer alive who could give you chase in a popularity contest.
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Geez…two picks for me…two 411 guys…
That_Bootleg_Guy:: That IP gig was a nice job I had once”¦
Joe Movies: Mel Kiper is ripping you on ESPN by the way
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Yeah…while he’s creaming with effusive praise over the Monday news double header of Joe Reid and JD Dunn…
That_Bootleg_Guy:: I’m gonna hate myself in the morning… Scott Keith, please”¦
Joe Movies: !!!!!!!
Joe Movies: Oh, I didn’t think I’d win this early.
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Widro says that the readers will following the wrestling flagship guys”¦
Joe Movies: Cam’s new site: DUD
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Your PPV recaps will just be links to my site.
Joe Movies: Just promise me to have several Scott versus Cam columns on the subject of Oz”¦
Joe Movies: He can discuss the finer points of the Beecher-Vern dynamic while you make Method Man jokes”¦
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Hey, now…published author = literary credibility…I’m hoping he can use some pull to get Maya Angelou to do a guest spot…
That_Bootleg_Guy:: “Froot Loops…”
Joe Movies: “swimming in the frothy mother sea of milk”.
Joe Movies: Well, your last pick will get the fan forums rocking . . . I’ll go with Mike Huckaby: he publishes like one column every leap year, but the staff forums will be a blast”¦
Joe Movies: As an added bonus, he can put together some cool feature projects like the 411 100 which your site can steadfastly refuse to rip off”¦
That_Bootleg_Guy:: And you only had to sell your soul by drafting someone who’s your complete individual and spiritual opposite to get him!
Joe Movies: What? I luurrrrrve the Scotsmanality style!
Joe Movies: It touches the pissy fifteen year old inside us all”¦
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Well, if YOU’RE going to draft against typecast, then I’m taking Mitch Michaels, because the “M” is for “morality”!
That_Bootleg_Guy:: He will now leave the room and pray for your souls.
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Truth be told, I think he hates all Black people”¦
That_Bootleg_Guy:: We’re the original odd couple!
Joe Movies: Heh, ya see, white people have names like “Mitch” and black people have names like “Aaron”.
Joe Movies: Well, if you insist on basing your picks on alliteration, I have no choice but to pick . . . Michael Melchor
Joe Movies: His name is currently on the Music page at 411 97 times
That_Bootleg_Guy:: If you wanted alliteration, Matthew Michael and Michaelangelo McCullar were right there“¦
Joe Movies: Oh no – no pseudonyms
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Oh, right…that’s Gloomchen’s policy too”¦
Joe Movies: I’m holding that slot open for Yayowonder
That_Bootleg_Guy:: I thought he died…
Joe Movies: of embarrassment”¦
Joe Movies: I’m sorry, Yayo!
Joe Movies: You always were gracious in defeat in the 411/IP fantasy football league!
Joe Movies: unlike some people
Joe Movies: (ahem)
That_Bootleg_Guy:: I’m taking IP TV Editor Murtz Jaffer with my next pick…
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Two words: celebrity connections!
Joe Movies: Do the laws of eminent domain cover all the “celebrities””¦?
That_Bootleg_Guy:: “¦
Joe Movies: I’ll hold off on drafting Omarossa as a reality TV revenge pick . . . for now
Joe Movies: I need to shore up my movies section so I’ll go with Will Helm“¦watcher of all movies that are crappy.
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Nice…I like how you’re forced to draft the guys that you don’t even link in The Happy Hour…and you link everybody!
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Even Scott Rutherford!
That_Bootleg_Guy:: My next pick is going to actually be from IP Music…
Joe Movies: wha??
That_Bootleg_Guy:: I’ll take Mike Eagle, who’s like 411’s Phil Watts without all the Samuel L. Jackson VIRTUAL YELLING at me.
Joe Movies: Who needs all that anger on the Internet?
Joe Movies: On a completely different topic, I select Evocator Manes!
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Oh, come on…don’t they have to have written something in six months…and/or written something good in six years?
Joe Movies: Hey, up until the other day I’d thought Mitch Michaels was an urban legend”¦
That_Bootleg_Guy:: I think I’ll take…Ashish.
Joe Movies: !!
Joe Movies: Where will I get my free shit??
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Correction: my free shit…
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Besides, I needed to fill the role of “random update guy””¦
That_Bootleg_Guy:: He does have subscriptions to every rasslin’ dirt sheet, the contents of which then find their way (a little bit at a time) on to the site.
That_Bootleg_Guy:: “Edge in Hot Water Backstage””¦
Joe Movies: I see you’re trying to goad me into drafting Widro
That_Bootleg_Guy:: And w/o ash, there’s no one to post the big boobied pictures that accompany all your great columns over there…
That_Bootleg_Guy:: “Top 10 Hottest Women I Saw on the Bus Last Week”
Joe Movies: It’s why I’ve taken to discussing only flat-chested women
Joe Movies: Nothing but Gwyneth Paltrow and the butch one from Baywatch for me”¦
That_Bootleg_Guy:: One more pick for Joe
Joe Movies: Damn, my picks are very music-heavy”¦
That_Bootleg_Guy:: You’ve got angst covered, I’ll give you that
Joe Movies: 411 is the new Alice in Chains”¦
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Music = a sea of Melchor “retirement” columns
That_Bootleg_Guy:: He writes, like, one of those every week
Joe Movies: “¦says the guy who’s been teasing “maybe only a few more months” since he began the gig.
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Yeah, yeah…but only ONCE, publicly.
Joe Movies: Either way, I’m gonna make the solid late round pick of Cris Murphy who helped my ass out with the Oscars feature this year”¦
That_Bootleg_Guy:: #10: John Haley…
That_Bootleg_Guy:: We’re all about the little things
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Plus, he’s a longtime friend o’ the bootleg…
That_Bootleg_Guy:: That’s worth being picked (last)
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Hmm”¦so you think I’ll still be employed by Inside Pulse come Saturday?
That_Bootleg_Guy:: Maybe 411 will take me back.
Joe Movies: Defectors can only return through the supplicant doggy door.
Whew.
Ah, but we’re not done, yet. We need to know who has the beginnings of the better site!
The Cam Fam
Aaron Cameron”¦Music
Mathan Erhardt”¦TV
Leonard Hayhurst”¦Ask 411 Inside Pulse Movies
Jacob Ziegler”¦Movie Reviewer and former Movie Zone Writer of the Year
Scott Keith”¦Wrestling, Author, Raconteur”¦
Mitch Michaels”¦Music (but, none of that Negro noise)
Ashish”¦Update Intern
Murtz Jaffer”¦TV VIP
Mike Eagle”¦Music (what Mitch won’t touch)
John Haley”¦The Anti-Keith
Joe’s Load
Joe Reid”¦Movies
Mathan Erhardt”¦Music
Jeff Fernandez”¦Music
Gloomchen”¦Music
Evocator Manes”¦Agitator
Michael Melchor”¦Music (Ret.)
Mike Huckaby”¦Arch-Conservative
Will Helm”¦Movies
J.D. Dunn”¦Dual Threat
Cris Murphy”¦Movies
Drop me a line and tell me which one you’d bookmark before the other. Remember”¦a vote for The Goodness is a vote for God.
And, you can’t spell “Goodness” without it.
Cane Dewey Doodlebug
The year was 1992. Kids wore brightly dyed denim overalls with one strap undone. Ballcaps with the letter ‘X’ were all the rage. And, Digable Planets were Cool Like Dat with their one and only hit single. Hey, don’t look at me”¦I can’t explain any of this and I was there.
Well, one of these things is making a comeback and for those who haven’t heard, it’s the one that no one remembers even existed. What? You need another clue? Fine”¦how’s this: What do you get when you mix a 12-week run headlining the local coffee house with a 12-year follow-up sharing a cot in the flop house?
Yep, Butterfly, Doodlebug and Ladybug are back! They’ve reunited for a 25-date North American tour that began in Ottawa last week and ends on July 9 in New Haven, Connecticut.
I’m told the tour’s slogan is “tickets very available”. Seriously, what promoter in his right mind would try to cash in on a naturally niche audience by bringing back any act that had long since flamed out even before the Y2K Times Square ball drop?
Oh, and on an entirely unrelated note, be sure to check back with Inside Pulse all weekend long for our bell-to-bell coverage of the ECW: One Night Stand pay-per-view. It’s gonna be like buying a $400 ticket to the show, without that jarring just-kicked-myself-in-the-balls buyer’s remorse.
O-V-E-R-R-A-T-E-D
They say a watched pot never boils, but no one has ever applied that to the principles that follow the 15 minutes of fame phenomenon. Kanye West is busy prepping his sophomore CD, Late Registration. It’s the anticipated follow-up to his inexplicably critically acclaimed College Dropout.
But, before he starts filming the first of the second album’s 16 videos, West is putting the finishing touches on the new album from Academy Award winner, Jaime Foxx. West is the album’s executive producer and there have been rumors of creative differences coming out of their recording sessions, with Kanye looking for a larger lyrical presence on Foxx’s fall release. “Kanye West” and “lyrical presence” in the same sentence? Be’lee dat.
And, who among us wouldn’t like to see West and Foxx recapture the magic from last year’s Slow Jamz cut? Instant over-saturation never sounded so good. Speaking of which, have you had enough of Anurag Kashyap yet? Who? He’s the 2005 Spelling Bee champion who’s been all over the airwaves since successfully spelling “appoggiatura” in the final round.
He’s a local boy, too, which means when he’s already off of yourTVs, radios and newspapers”¦he’ll still be on mine. And, sure enough, it’s been a 24/7 local media free-for-all since Kid Daivari returned from Washington D.C. People, it’s a spelling bee! I know that ESPN would never juxtapose itself with putrid programming, but come on.
The last entertaining televised Bee was in A Boy Named Charlie Brown. Remember those head shots of the contestants? I loved how their heads would explode with a balloon-pop sound when they got a word wrong. Can we get Anurag a part in the live action version of this concept?
It’s on the Latest Mixtape From DJ Whoo Kid Cares
It’s 50 Cent vs. The Game, Round II. At the recent Summer Jam All-Star concert held at Giants’ Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey, Game took some high-profile potshots at the G-Unit gnome.
Most of Game’s onstage material was identical to the sh*t he spit at the How the West Was One tour stop here in San Diego last month. But, I guess it doesn’t happen for real”¦until it happens in New York Jersey. Reports vary on how Game’s set was received, but most agree that, at best, the crowd’s reaction was “mixed”.
OK”¦which one of them is selling an album this week?
This whole “Faux Feud, Part Deux” has not made a difference in my initial, uh, indifference. Let me get this straight: two Black guys who work for the same boss can’t get along? How is this different from the day-to-day drama at any deep south Denny’s? And, hell, at least at Denny’s, there’s always the chance that I’ll walk away with an award of cash compensation via class-action lawsuit.
My people like to think of it as “slavery reparations through pancakes and bacon”. Of course, this reporter suggested “Sticking it to The Man, if I don’t get my Grand Slam“, but I was shouted down at the press club.
I’m Not an Addict”¦I’m Just Festively Plump
Kelly Osbourne”¦back in rehab”¦? Get out! In what has to be my favorite news story of the week, it’s back to Image Enhancement Camp for Ozzy’s chubby little secret. Don’t look at me like that”¦I never take personal satisfaction in the suffering of others (at least not until June 24).
Actually, the reason that this tale tickles me so is in the wording of the initial press release:
Kelly Osbourne has checked herself back into a drug treatment center, only a year after completing a successful stint in rehab”¦
‘K”¦if you’re back after a year, I’m thinking “successful” isn’t the appropriate adjective to attach to your first stint. And, how crazy are the similarities between Kelly’s repeat retreats to rehab and George Costanza’s infamous “shower that didn’t take”?
In that seminal Seinfeld episode, George was still sweaty (from his workout), even after a shower. His all-over clamminess was compounded by an uncomfortable aura resulting in a fidgety and flustered appearance.
Sweaty”¦fidgety”¦flustered”¦I’ve seen the “Pookie with the crack pipe scene” in New Jack City enough times to know that these are surely similar to the symptoms seen in a size 16 strumpet strung out on smack.
Of course, I’ve dated enough fat chicks to know that the same traits apply when they’re sleeping”¦or awake. Really, either or.
I Was a Grade-A Moron to Ever Question Eating Meat
Anyone else notice how many times those liberal animal-lovers over at PETA have appeared in The Bootleg? Well, this time, they’re bringing Common, Pharrell and The Roots with ’em. It’s all part of their launching of PETAWorld.com, the organization’s new subsite specifically focusing on “the urban market”.
Earlier this week, they announced the signing of Imani Wilcox from Pharcyde, as part of their month-long launch efforts. Fortunately for us, Wilcox strayed from the script during the dog-and-pony (Yum!) press conference:
“I’m down with PETA and I stopped eating meat. I mean, what if animals could talk?”
How old is Imani”¦eight? That’s one of those questions that’s usually followed by, “Who would win if Superman fought The Incredible Hulk?” Luckily, Imani’s mic was still on:
“I don’t eat faces. I don’t eat nothin’ that got a face. It’s just wrong, man. You might as well be a cannibal if you eat meat, man.”
Personally, I think I speak for all fans of The Simpsons when I say that 10 years after the original episode aired”¦I’m glad we now know the identity of Jimmy’s crazy friend.
From reading the above quote, you might think Imani is crazy, but it’s really just ignorance. You see, Crazy Imani has never heard of the food chain. Ask any scientician. He’ll tell you that, in nature, one creature invariably eats another creature to survive.
Don’t kid yourself. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about!
Sometimes the News Just Writes Itself
Female rapper/has-been heifer, MC Lyte, is planning to release a book later this year entitled, “Just My Take”. The book includes poetry and words of inspiration from Lyte and will be marketed towards young women in their late teens and early 20s.
And who wouldn’t be moved and motivated by the prose of the unemployed? Can I ask if the book’s foreword will be written by Monie Love or Yo-Yo? Anyways, Lyte has been on the interview circuit to promote the project:
“Now, it’s my turn to hopefully inspire and motivate (young women) at a time when few emcees are willing to give words of advice.”
“Emcees”? Last time I checked, Ms. Lyte, there was no “MC” in AARP. A book full of homespun homilies covering your friendship with Frederick Douglass on The Freedom Train won’t exactly resonate with the girls who are half your age, flinging French Fries at Friendly’s.
Don’t believe me? Go ask “Kaitin”, your supervisor”¦I’ll wait. And, while I do, can you go ahead and bring my check?
General Haberdashery”¦The Not Mentioned Above, Undrafted Free Agents Edition
Ssquared brings the music news from the heart of Manhattan, surrounded by recirculated air and lots of booze. No one’s quite sure if he survived last month’s run-in with a sea goober, but if he’s dead, then the afterlife just got a whole lot funnier.
J.A.M. = the fourth in the line of short-lived novelty writing nicknames for a trio of Inside Pulse and 411 writers.
J is for Movie Joe Reid. Wonder why we sing his praises week in and week out? Check out his latest which includes the “horror” of White Pants, the X-Men 3 directorial casualty and the definitive word on Star Wars: Episode III. Don’t see that movie again, until you read Mr. Reid.
A is for me.
M is Now Hiring. Still no sign of Mathan, so we’re expanding our “M” search beyond the boundaries of Inside Pulse and 411. Mixmaster would make a fine addition to our triumvirate. And, any profile that includes the words seething cauldron is worthy of a second interview in my book.
Junk Mail
Yikes. A hearty THANK YOU from me and Nick for the overflowing amount of feedback y’all had for last week’s MFWNTAK list. I must’ve set some sort of IM record, as I was hit up by nearly three dozen different Bootleg readers with their nominations. In addition, the old email inbox appreciated the love, too.
And, who do you think was the most frequently requested addition?
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F*ckin’ funny stuff with the “Ass Kick” list. Although, for as much as y’all sh*t on him, I’m wondering where Kanye West is? Hell, just for that Dockers and Garanimals ensemble he wears in all his videos, he deserved a beatdown on fashion alone”¦G.H.
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I’m gonna assume that you and Nick are just catching your breath before you go after Kanye Christ (or however he refers to himself when no one’s around). Great list, just like last year’s, but I’ll expect to see longtime Bootleg favorite Bill Simmons on next year’s list. I’m not hoping he meets the same fate as Ralph Wiley, but maybe he’ll just get really, really sick”¦S.E.
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If you and Nick ever take your act on the road, let a brutha know if you need a hype man. Anyways, here’s my honorable mention list: 50 Cent and The Game, Fred Durst, Courtney Love, Kurt Loder, Kanye West, DJ Clue and La La. Sh*t, just watch MTV for an hour, do a “select-all” and get back to me”¦E.D.
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Loved the list for 2005. I just hope that no one dies from it like last year. Anyways, I know you and Nick are sports fans, so that’ll be my theme. Add ESPN’s Stuart Scott in the hopes that his beating will straighten out that creepy lazy eye. Add Isiah Thomas for how he killed off the old CBA and how he’s doing the same with my Knicks. And add Alex Rodriguez who used his “authentication” company to make money of his 3 home run game, then backpedaled and blamed the company when the fans called him greedy for doing it”¦J.M.
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As long as you guys have room (on your list) for whoever thought up that “I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance” campaign, then I’m cool”¦M.A.
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MFWNTAK without Cedric the Entertainer? Have you seen the previews for The Honeymooners?..B.S.
Thanks again to everyone who took the time to get in on the MFWNTAK fun. And, especially to the handful of new n’ first-time readers who found this little Friday escape and are officially on board.
A happy and safe Flag Day to everyone out there. Meanwhile, get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM at ajcameron13.
