The SmarK Rant for WWE (ECW) One Night Stand
– OK, so here’s how things stand, because I haven’t done RAW for a couple of weeks and people are bugging me about it. Basically, this will likely be the last rant done in my current format, which I’ve been using for nearly 10 years now, as I think part of the tedium associated with the weekly RAW rant that’s been bugging me for a while is transcribing matches move-by-move. Believe me, I do pay attention to the feedback, good and bad, and I’m well aware that the RAW rants have been feeling stale and tired for a while now, and it was more of a matter of constructing a new format to fix the problem than anything. So I’m going to radically change my review style, and I’m taking a few weeks off from RAW to work out the kinks on the blog. I might even switch to Smackdown depending on where things end up after the draft, I dunno. I’ve been doing RAW, as it is, for nearly 5 years now, and that’s a long time to be recapping a show. Basically I need to find a way to better manage my time when I do these things, while still keeping the star ratings for the fanboys and the jokes for the hardcore fanbase, and hopefully streamlining the rants will allow me to do that. However, change can be scary, so we’ll stick with the tried-and-true format for this show, and maybe test out the new one on Vengeance.
– To say I was never a fan of the original ECW is an understatement, and to say that the fans of that promotion provided me with some of the funniest idiot kneejerk reaction e-mails I’ve ever read is a REALLY big understatement, so I’m sure the feedback on this one will fill in any gaps in the entertainment that the show provides.
– Live from the Hammerstein Ballroom, in New York City.
– Your hosts are Joey Styles and Mick Foley.
– Luckily, the set and graphics are constructed to exactly match the look of the original production values of ECW, which is either good or bad depending on how you look at it. It certainly lends a fresh look to WWE PPVs, which have been essentially looking the same for nearly 8 years now, ever since the changeover to “RAW is WAR” in 1997.
– Lance Storm v. Chris Jericho. Jericho has his old Lionheart tights and vest, which is a nice touch. They do a stalemate sequence to start, trading armdrags, and Jericho takes Storm down into the bow-and-arrow. Storm escapes and goes over the top, but Jericho dropkicks him out of the corner and baseball slides him to the floor. He misses a dive off the apron, however, and eats steel. Back in, Storm gets a dropkick for two. Delayed suplex gets two. Storm goes to a neck vice and Jericho tries to slug out of it, then counters a high cross attempt with a dropkick to the back of the head. Jericho starts the comeback with the enzuigiri and they do a pinfall reversal sequence, into a tiger suplex from Jericho which gets two. Storm comes back with a leg lariat and tries a cradle piledriver, but fails, so he opts for a superkick instead and gets two. They head up and Storm tries a superplex, but Jericho blocks and counters with a flying elbow for two. Storm slides into the half-crab, but Jericho reverses to a Walls of Jericho attempt, and then bulldogs him. Lionsault misses, but Jericho hangs on with the Walls as a result. This allows Jason and Justin Credible to make the first run-ins of the night, and Justin waffles him with the cane to give Storm the pin at 7:21. Short and WWE-ish, but a nice opener. **1/4
– Gary Wolfe, the Pitbull still alive, introduces a video package about ECW’s dearly departed. This includes Rocco Rock, Terry Gordy, Mike Lockwood, The Sheik, Mike Lozansky, Anthony Durante, Big Dick Dudley and Chris Candido.
– Tajiri v. Super Crazy v. Little Guido. Tajiri has Jim Mitchell and a rough-looking Mikey Whipwreck with him. Guido has the FBI with him, and it’s nice to see Tracy Smothers back doing the bit he was born to do. “Big Guido” isn’t a name I recognize, but it looks like Rick “Fake Razor Ramon” Bogner aged about 15 years, so I’m guessing that’s him. Tajiri dumps Guido to start and hits Crazy with the handspring elbow, but Guido counters a backbreaker into a cross-armbreaker. Crazy saves with a standing moonsault for one, and dropkicks Guido out of a sunset flip attempt. One for Tajiri, too, and he tries to follow with a dive, but gets tripped up by the FBI and Sliced by Guido. To the floor they go and Guido brawls with Crazy into the crowd, as they hurry up to the balcony and Crazy moonsaults him from up there. Crazy heads back to the ring, but Tajiri sunset flips into a Tarantula, which Crazy escapes from quickly. He does the Spanish ten-count bit , but gets tripped up by the FBI again. Big Guido tries to powerbomb Tajiri , but Tajiri mists Guido and everyone runs in, resulting in Mikey getting the Whippersnapper on Guido and Tajiri pinning him. So we’re down to Tajiri v. Crazy. Tajiri puts him on the apron, but Crazy springboards in with the moonsault. Tajiri comes back with the DDT for two. He pounds on Crazy, who comes back with a fireman’s carry into the triple moonsault, but Mikey breaks up the third one. Tajiri misses the big kick and Crazy powerbombs him and finishes that moonsault for the pin at 6:12. That was pretty rushed and abrupt, but it got across the basic feel of that match style. *1/2
– Head with us now back to 1994, as a young ECW does all sorts of crazy stuff. Man, RSPW went nuts for that Dreamer-Sandman stuff back then.
– I should point out that the outside building shots and THQ plugs is kind of jarring and distracts from the nostalgia effect of the show.
– Rey Mysterio v. Psicosis. No mask for the roided Psicosis. He really needs to not take it off. Lockup to start and they trade wristlocks, but are too big now to do the proper lucha sequence that it usually leads to. Another try with the knucklelock, and Rey takes him down with a sunset flip for two. Rey grabs a headlock and a cross-body, but Psicosis floats into a facebuster and stomps him down. That’s a VERY WWE-style transition move, which makes me think he’s trying for a job. Psi whips him into the corner for two. Another WWE staple. Rey comes back with a moonsault press for two, but Psi grabs a sleeper. Even Joey points out how weird that is for him. Psi pounds him down for two out of that. Rey gets tossed and Psi pounds him off the apron with the clubbing forearm, and suplexes him onto the railing. It’s like watching a Velocity match. Psi follows with the guillotine legdrop to the railing, which is a bit better. Back into the ring, that gets two. Psi misses a blind charge and splats in the corner, allowing Rey to come back with a carpet muncher for two. Psi misses another charge and he flies into the front row as a result, and Rey follows with a butt splash into the front row. Back in, Rey gets the 619, to a bad reaction, and the West Coast Pop finishes at 6:21. Meh. This was like Rey squashing a game jobber on Velocity, not the “extreme lucha libre match” or whatever it was promoted as being. Very much a WWE-style plodfest with a few highspots thrown in. It would have worked better with guys who can work the style NOW (like Paul London), not guys who used to be able to, but changed to augment their bank account. *1/2
– And now the WWE B-Team joins us on the balcony. Nothing like JBL to spruce up an ECW show.
– Back to the vault again for more highlights, this time from 1995-98. Steve Austin’s “WCW Monday Nyquil” sketch is still brilliant. The rest is the same stuff from the DVD.
– Joel Gertner, still wearing a neck brace years later, tries to interview Kurt Angle, but gets punked out by JBL. This allows them to cut a lengthy promo, until RVD interrupts, all fired up for once. The fans are sick of having JBL shoved down their throats, he sez, and I can’t argue with that. Although he has been winning me over as of late. Rob complains about creative ruining his character and taking away his voice. And then his “whole f*cking show” catchphrase gets bleeped. There’s some wicked irony there. Bitch bitch bitch and then Rhino runs out and gores him, but Sabu makes the save.
– Impromptu Match: Sabu v. Rhino. Rhino overpowers him to start and gets a belly-to-belly, but goes up and gets slugged down by Sabu. And then a chair sends him to the floor. Sabu baseball slides him and follows with Air Sabu to the floor. Sabu whips him into the railing and bounces a chair off his face. That looks so much nastier than a standard chairshot. He tries to put Rhino on a table, but Rhino fights him off and they head back in again. Rhino works him over in the corner and gets a running kick on the ropes for two. Rhino slams him and heads up, but Sabu catches him with a rana and gets a leg lariat for two. Air Sabu into the corner and a legdrop gets two. Rhino trips him into the chair, however, which is a distinctly ECW counter-move, and then F5s him onto the chair for two. He follows with an inverted powerbomb into the corner and sets up for the GOAR GOAR GOAR, but the ref eats it instead. Rhino keeps going with a piledriver, but RVD throws a chair at his face to slow him down, and then hobbles in with a chair dropkick in the corner. They set up a table, put Rhino on it, and the Arabian facebuster through the table finishes (as I hope it would) at 6:28. This was a bit more like it. Again, not a great or even good match, but energy and spirit was there. The ref bump was out of place for this environment, though. *1/2
– Al Snow argues with Head again.
– Chris Benoit v. Eddie Guerrero. Odd that they’d use “Psicosis” but then spell Eddie’s name with “ie” instead of the ECW-standard “y”. Correct me if I’m wrong, but this marks the only match to be fought on a WWE, WCW and ECW PPV, as well as Japan if you want to add that too. Lockup in the corner to start and they fight over that. Eddie tries a go-behind and Benoit escapes, which the crowd pays more attention to Edge in the balcony. It appears to go to Eddie’ head and he takes a breather outside. Back in, he starts throwing down in the corner and gets a back elbow, and they trade chops. Eddie takes him down and gives him a boot rub, then grabs a headlock on the mat. The crowd starts the dueling chants as Benoit powers him into a backdrop suplex. Eddie’s nose appears to be busted, but he’s a manly man so he keeps going. He chops away in the corner and gets two, then hits the chinlock. They’re really off their game here. The crowd adds a “f*ck you Bischoff” chant, which is pretty funny and even Eric seems to appreciate it. They head outside and Eddie zings him with a chair, and they head up to the top. That leads to a superplex from Eddie, and he goes up, but misses the frog splash. Benoit fights back with chops and elbows him down, and that sets up the northern lights suplex for two. Benoit returns the favor with his own superplex, and that gets two. Rolling germans and he goes up with the diving headbutt, which gets two. Eddie reverses him down with a cradle for two, but Benoit powers him down with the crossface and that finishes at 10:37. Nothing we haven’t seen a million times before, right down to the usual sequences. **3/4
– Mike Awesome v. Masato Tanaka. They do some shoving to start and Awesome powers him into a belly-to-belly, but Tanaka puts him on the apron. Awesome retaliates by knocking him to the floor and following with a tope con hilo and they brawl on the floor, as Tanaka backdrops him into the crowd. Well, they’re certainly not taking their time here. Tanaka charges and waffles him with a chair, but Awesome comes back with a lariat and they head back into the ring. Awesome sets up a table on the floor and fights off Tanaka’s elbows, then powerbombs him through the table. Holy crap that was nasty. Back in, Awesome hits him with the flying splash, but only gets two. Awesome tries a piledriver, but Tanaka rolls through, so Awesome rolls through himself and powerbombs him. He heads out and grabs a chair, but so does Tanaka, and it’s THE CHAIR DUEL. Tanaka goes down first, as per tradition, but comes back with the Diamond Dust Driver out of the corner. Into the other corner for a tornado DDT on the chair, and that gets two. Tanaka adds another chairshot and drops an elbow with a chair from the top rope, and that only gets two. Roaring elbow misses and Awesome spears him onto the chair and follows with a flying chairshot. When Mick Foley says that the human skull wasn’t made for that, I believe him. Awesome brings another table in and they head up, but Tanaka comes back with a DDT through the table, and that gets two. Awesome just won’t go down. Tanaka goes up again and Awesome follows, powerbombing him with backwards momentum, onto the scraps of table, and THAT only gets two. Back for another table, this one on the floor, and Tanaka takes a ride via an Awesomebomb to the floor, through the table, and Awesome mercifully pins him on the floor at 9:51. I think Awesome earned himself a job if that was his goal. Very much the Cliff’s Notes version of their feud, but that’s kind of the point. ***1/4
– And now Paul Heyman joins us for the real main event: A bitter shoot promo against whatever flows from his brain. Dropping Matt Hardy’s name (Paul: “I’ve got two words for you: Matt Freakin’ Hardy!” Edge: “That’s three words!”) to annoy Edge was a bit obvious, although telling JBL that the only reason he was champion for so long was because “HHH didn’t want to work Tuesdays” was classic stuff.
– The Dudley Boyz v. Tommy Dreamer & Sandman. The Dudleyz are back in their old gear, as you’d expect. Sadly, no Joel Gertner intro. Half the point of this match is for Sandman to do his whole entrance deal, so they make sure to go all out with that. And before we can even start, it’s time for a BWO run-in and promo. I see Meanie has gained all the weight back. They go after Dreamer & Sandman, but Kid Kash tries to save, and gets tossed after one second. That leads to Axl & Ballz making their appearance and getting rid of the BWO, and the match appears ready to start, but first Kid Kash hits everyone with a somersault plancha. And now we finally begin, as Tommy misses Bubba with the cheese grater and gets suplexed. Bubba puts him down with a cookie sheet and uses the cheese grater on Tommy, as irony interjects itself again. Bubba misses the senton from the second rope, but the Dudleyz catch Tommy with the neckbreaker. That allows Sandman to bring a ladder into play and Tommy does the Terry Funk deal with it and then exacts his revenge with the cheese grater. Meanwhile, Sandman sends D-Von into a trashcan and snaps the ladder into his jaw for two. Tommy bounces the cookie sheet off Bubba’s head and gets crotched on the railing in retaliation, while Sandman legdrops D-Von with a ladder. Bubba heads back in and chairshots Sandman, and the Dudleyz double-team him. Bubba frog splashes him onto the ladder for two, but D-Von hits his brother with the cane by mistake. Sandman gets the russian legsweep on D-Von and the faces do the stereo figure-fours, but that just sets up the Impact Players for a run-in. Justin piledrives Sandman onto some barbed wire and Francine returns and kicks Tommy in the nuts, but you just know that’s just gonna end up badly for her. And yes, it’s Beulah’s big return for a catfight. She gets Lance with a ballshot for good measure and reunites with Tommy for stereo DDTs on the Dudleyz, and that gets two. So Sandman returns and they do their own uniquely violent version of Whazzup on D-Von, but Bubba gets the tables. They powerbomb Sandman through it and that gets two. 3D would seem to finish Dreamer, but they want more tables. Bubba calls out Spike, who brings lighter fluid with him. So the table goes up in flames, Dreamer goes through it, and that finishes at 10:12, as if it matters. Overbooked 16 ways from Sunday, but this was just the big Broadway medley to finish and the actual body of the match was immaterial to the fun. *** It did, however, need New Jack to be complete.
– So as the brawl continues, Steve Austin heads out for some more general mayhem, as he brings all the ECW troops into the ring for the big finish and calls out the WWE guys in the balcony. So they all head into the ring, and Tazz makes his big entrance. And the brawl is on, as Tazz chokes Kurt Angle down and everyone else fights it out. With all the backup chased away, Mick Foley brings Eric Bischoff to the ring, and it turns into a massacre.
