The Midnight News 07.04.05

You wrote: “… I don’t even want to f*ck her. I want to f*ck Stratus… because STRATUS was exactly where Billard is… with the same opportunity… yet she IS a star, and is pretty much a lock as the greatest female worker of all time…”

“greatest female worker of all time… “

“greatest female worker of all time… ”

No. NO! NOOOO!

Don’t say that because they’ll believe it.

– Random Asian

Ah relax, nobody believes a word I say anymore…

Dear Chris H.

Man you actaully came across some information someone might honestly give a crap about… and you half assed it. Take a bow. I’m of course talking about Brock L. working japan (and by the way Chris, MMA stands for mixed martial arts. There is no show called MMA, it describes the genre much like sports entertainment describes wrestling). Pride happens to be MMA. See now you can look smarter (heh wonder where I heard that from).

Any who as a Chriss Hyatte fan I’m continuing the tradtion of insulting you while asking for something (because you answer negative email more than posetive WHAT THE HELL WAS THE NAME OF THE SHOW THAT GOT BROCK IN TROUBLE DAMN IT! Did he fight, or did he sit in the audience like a chud, cause I mean Gold Jew was on a UFC tape in the audience.. and no ones sewing super jew (that I know off). Any how, thanks for the gossip, and great column (see I keep telling myself not to kiss your ass but if I’m still reading your crap your doing something damn good).

P.S. (Fuck your column on the 4th go out and party damn it you earned it).

a Fan

Have I ever… EVER given any indication that I give a rat’s tail about “MMA” or “Pride”? DO you think I really care?

Superjew? Sheesh.

Ok Hyatte, I know what you’re up to….

My prediction:

This “Summer of Hyatte” shit is you blowing your last load before you say goodbye to your loyal readers…right??

Mike

Well… umm….

Hello Flagburners! I’m Chris and this is the HOLIDAY version the the Midnight News!! It’s INDEPENDENCE DAY… which means no one is online… which means I’m off because Hyatte does like his vacations…

WHOA… but I DID promise an UNPRECEDENTED string of new columns for the Summer… I even have a theme for it… it’s called The Summer of Hyatte… its a conundrum… a dilemma… do I BETRAY you, John Q. Starving for Entertainment, and SPIT in your virtual faces by bailing or do I cobble together another dose of fresh, new brilliance that no one but a small handful of people will read?

So I’m compromising and posting a bunch of stuff from Summers ’02 and ’03. I blasted through some old columns from 411 and cherry picked a fine bunch of segments for you to re-visit. Mostly junk, mostly nonsense, hardly a smidge of rasslin’ news… but I’m here… I did it… I invested time and energy into this FOR you… because it is The Summer of Hyatte and I am resolved to follow it through…

And speaking of Independence Day… if you do a little sniffing you will find a brief synapsis of what And Another Thing: Independence on a Saturday Night will be about… I know you’re curious. I know you care.

Oh, and while I’m here… I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that Flea wrote something! Go read it. It’s a look at ECW’s One Night Only… and probably a refreshing alternative to the weeks and weeks of orgasms this show had produced among the net.

Now, whole I’m out enjoying my day off and wondering why I haven’t swallowed bleach yet… you go enjoy select prime CUTS from Summers past… have a blast, ya creeps… I’ll talk to you at the bottom.

GOD IS A WRESTLING FAN!!06/02

Pulled this from a porn news site. I was doing research on something else… okay?

Wrestling Association Disputes Gay/Porn Claims; Priest’s Web site had young wrestlers in briefs

Priests and altar boys are one thing. But priests and young wrestlers were enough to get the parishioners of St. Michael the Archangel Byzantine Catholic Church in Mont Clare, a suburb of Philadelphia, a little bit concerned.

The Rev. Glenn Michael Davidowich, pastor of the church founded the Junior Professional Wrestling Association in 1999 and staged some matches in the church rectory. However when the Rev. Davidowich put together a website featuring young lads ages 16 to 30 in bikini briefs bearing such names as “Johnny Heartbreaker” the uproar was enough to get the good Reverend to voluntarily shut down after questions were raised about its content and purpose.

Tony Karl, director and Webmaster, defended the association as “sports entertainment” and a legitimate fund-raising tool. In a statement, he said “unfair attacks and embarrassment” forced the Web site to shut down. “We are not, have never been, and will never be pornographic or sexual,” said Karl who claims he found nothing wrong with the wrestlers’ attire: “The majority of our wrestlers are athletes who are proud of their healthy and fit appearances, and feel they are dressed appropriately for wrestling entertainment.” Karl also claims the association was a “makeshift attempt to mimic and spoof pro wrestling.”

The Web site’s stated purpose was to raise money for Tomas Mejia, a California teen who was paralyzed and suffered brain damage in a 1994 auto accident. According to Karl, a priest in California, the Rev. James Curran, established a fund in 1994 to help pay the family’s medical bills and formed a similar wrestling venture called Con Ganas Sports Entertainment which shut down last year. Except Mejia’s mother, Marcela, said she has not received money from either wrestling organization. She said Rev. Curran did pay some of the family’s bills several years ago. But Karl claims the association sent checks totaling $5,760 to the fund administered by Curran. And Davidowich resigned from the association he formed in February 2001 after his bishop confronted him with parishioners’ concerns.

Oh, I’m SURE it was ALL for charity. I’m SURE it was up front. All those young boys… in tights… skinny boys.

Priest: “Well son, we need a name for you. Being this is a Church event, it should be one befitting the good name of God and all who serves him. Let’s see.

Kid: “Umm, how about Johnny Thunder? Thunder from Heaven, all that?

Priest: “Johnny Heartbreaker it is!! Perfect!!! Now come for your communion, boy!

Kid: “Yes father. Did you hide the wafer again?

Priest: “Aw hell yeah! Now come find it! And remember… using teeth makes Baby Jesus cry.

Ever wonder what happened to the All American Jeff Peterson? That fellow who I bitchslapped in the news last year? He’s rasslin’ for THIS league.

Oh shut up… I’M Catholic. I’m allowed to make fun.

JOB WAS REINCARNATED… INTO A CANADIAN07/02

Ah, that whacky Bret Hart will do ANYTHING to get in the newspapers.

He had a motorcycle accident… then to top it off, he had a STROKE. Now the left side of his body is paralyzed. (Now he’s REALLY a half-ass wrestler)

A Canadian newspaper did a story about what Vince had to say about all this…. and I got it through www.pwbts.com

Despite our differences of opinions, I respect him,” World Wrestling Entertainment owner Vince McMahon told the Sun yesterday from his office in Connecticut. Vince isn’t sure if the feelings are reciprocal

We’re all saddened to hear of Bret’s problem and I really wish him well.

Bret’s contributions to the WWE are enormous and everyone thinks very highly of him.

Despite the feud, McMahon said he wanted to speak to Bret when he was in town last month.

Bret was on one side of the room doing something and I was on the other and we never did manage to get together, though I did manage to wink at his son,” he said.

When we left, (Hulk) Hogan said Bret told him he wanted to talk to me, too.” No doubt to grab him by those wide lapels and scream, “WHY VINCE? WHY???”

When asked for comment, Bret said, “Fwwuk Vinsh, I sahhh h’m phull da cort an triph my bikgh. Fwwuk h’m uph hish fwwukghin assh. He dighd ‘dishh. Itgh washh VINSH.

Meanwhile, 1con has an e-mail address, for real, that they SWEAR is a direct link to the man himself… so if you want to send your best wishes, e-mail him at getwellbret@aol.com.

AMERICA’S VERSION OF THE HARTS07/02

Think the Hart Family has problems? Look at the Von Erichs!

From the pecker of Fritz dripped a tragedy that screamed for a Shakespeare manuscript. Listen to this horrific run down:

1959: Jack Von Erich was electrocuted. He was 7

1984: David Von Erich died in Japan. We were told it was from a severe inflamation of the intestines… it later was announced that he ODed. David was 25… and was supposed to win the NWA title from Ric Flair later that summer. The best way to describe David is this: He had Bradshaw’s physique and the ability level of Dustin Rhodes (when Dustin isn’t f-ing around)

1987: Mike Von Erich overdosed on Placidyl, it was intentional. He was 23. Mike had just come out of a long bout with Toxic Shock system and really never recovered. He didn’t have much of a physique either. Classic case of being pushed out too fast, too soon.

1991: Chris Von Erich blew his brains out with a 9 millimeter gun. He was 21. His push began at the age of ten when PWI threw him and his family on their cover and announced him as “The Kid Who Will Lead the Von Erichs Into The 21st Century” He checked out before he even had a chance.

1993: Kerry Von Erich, one day after being charged with cocaine possession, committed suicide with a .44. He was 33. Kerry was NWA champ, was the WWF Inter-Continental champ, and was the most popular Von Erich of the lot. He was also a first rate junkie who was legendary for working matches while whacked out. Ric Flair’s locker room legend (the kind of rep that REALLY counts in this business) was cemented by the way he could carry a damn near comatose Von Erich to 45 minute matches. Oh, and Kerry also lost part of his foot in a motorcycle accident a few years earlier (riding barefoot, wasted). It was, of course, downplayed by the family and those rat bastard Apter Magazines that refused to break kayfabe back then, but the truth came out after a few thousand people saw Curt Hennig pull Kerry’s boot off by accident during a match, and out came a portion of what was once a foot.

Then there was “Cousin” Lance… who had no true Von Erich blood in him. Theyb were just that desperate for family members. He lasted about as long as the last few breathes of WCCW gave way to a union with the AWA… then he quietly disappeared.

Why bring this up? Because there is some good news from all this… from 1bob.com

Super Stars of Wrestling presents the return of Kevin Von Erich in the Great American Rumble, at the Gladewater Rodeo Arena in Gladewater, TX on July 20th.

Matches scheduled:

Kevin Von Erich returns against Greg Valentine
Konnan vs Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs
Psicosis vs Slam Shady
Iceman King Parsons vs Action Jackson

The Great American Rumble is a benefit for the Great Hospice of Texas.

Tickets go on sale next Friday, July 5. Ringside is $20.00. Floor reserve is $15.00 and General admission is $10.00.

Tickets are on sale in Ace Hardware in Gladewater, and at in
Cavendars Boot City and Video Zone in Longview, and will be available at the door the night of the show.

It ain’t much, Kevin stuck close to home, raised a family, and worked the occasional indy show. And he ain’t letting his children anywhere NEAR this business.

So, if you go… and you see him… thank Kevin for surviving… and learning

Iceman King Parsons? The inventor of the “Butt Butt? GET FUNKAY!!

WHO’S THE FUNNIEST WEB GUY ALIVE???06/03

Three men, one frickin’ joke.

This is why I can’t do Mop-Ups anymore. What could I possibly say that wouldn’t be said by a few dozen others?

Last Raw, Sgt. Slaughter saluted our country by once again donning the tights and telling maggots to shut their pieholes. This time he did it on them French fellas.

Ol’ Sarge has discovered that there’s more to life then just eating rations. He’s packed on a few pounds.

So, I scoured the web for about ten minutes and came across three well known writers who… well, I’m sure they thought they were being innovative.

Hurricane came out onto the stage and complained about La Resistance. They asked him to find a partner for a match. Hurricane said he already found one, one who is used to taking care of maggots like them. Out walked Sarge, who looks like he ate Don Kernodle, came out.

That’s from Wade Keller

The tag champs face the Hurricane and Holy Cow, Sgt Slaughter, who apparently ate the Iron Sheik.

That’s from Bruce Mitchell.

Did Sgt. Slaughter look like he swallowed The Big Show or what?

Say hello to Dave Scherer’s offering.

Yes kids… brave the pop-ups and/or buy the damn newsletter and YOU TOO can get in on the high minded comedy stylings of Dave, Wade, and Mojo.

Keller wins for the old school reference. Mitchell and Scherer were just too goddam weak. I don’t get it, I thought Mojo Mitchell was THE FUNNIEST THERE IS??

Incidentally, I held my breath and trotted over to Scooter’s … err… “rant”? He didn’t make a connection… but he did reference sonmeone I doubt any American has heard of.

But he did make a pre-emptive strike against me. See, I was planning on posting his DVD list to show how many cartoons and wrestling tapes such a well rounded genius like himself actually gets… but the Scotsman ratted me out to him so he discussed it before I could. Oh, I’ll still post it anyway, because it’s funny but I’m very disappointed in the Scotsman. Squealed like a rat in a trap, he did.

OFFERING PAT NO RESISTANCE07/03

I’m sure you were asking yourself: Hey douchebag, why wasn’t Goldberg at RAW last week? That arm infection story seems a little hinky…

Well, first of all, why are you calling yourself a douchebag even when you are talking to yourself? Go see a shrink, LOSER!

Second of all, did you also stop to wonder why the RAW tag champs, La Resistance, weren’t on the show… seeing how it was in MONTREAL, for Chrissakes?

Third of all, did you ever stop to wonder why La Resistance were pushed so damn quickly upon arrival?

Fourth of all, did it OCCUR to you that Pat Patterson is ALSO from Montreal?

Fifth of all, did it occur to you that you may be spending too much time ponmdering questons about f*cking PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING??? I mean… do you REALLY want to think like Scott Keith? God… you are right about yourself… you really are a douchebag

Anyway… I got this e-mail last week explaining WHY Goldberg, La Resistance, and Patterson were NOT at RAW in Montreal. I have no clue if this is true… and my source’s name wasn’t giving me any clues (as you will see at the bottom)… but check this out:

Hey Hyatte,

Here’s a little dirt that, ironically, the dirtsheets just won’t publish…

I’m talking about that Sylvain Grenier guy, the Quebecois trying to play a French.

He gets a LOT of resentment from the Quebec indy scene because of how fast he got into the WWE, and how untalented and green he is. A lot of indy wrestlers feel he got through the ‘backdoor’, if you get my meaning. As a matter of fact, he’s been seen with Pat Patterson a lot, both before and following his hiring by the WWE.

The fact he first appeared on PPV as a ref between Hogan and Rock REALLY didn’t help his cause.

Anyway, everybody noticed that La Resistance didn’t make it to Raw in Montreal, in Grenier’s hometown. Isn’t that strange? The reason is simple… Grenier got REALLY rude chants, and I’m guessing McMahon, seeing this, decided not to go ahead with a Raw match, being that Raw is live and he can’t use canned heat. We heard about Goldberg’s arm infection, but come ON… ARM infection?

It was amazing how many people in the crowd picked up these chants… I blame the Quebec IWC (it’s huge, believe it or not) and the many indy guys who were in attendance.

Here’s a sampling of some of the chants… Honest, Montreal is such a brutal crowd:

You sucked Pat

Patty’s boy

You suck cock

You are gay

Tu manges des graines (‘You eat cocks’ in French)

Grenier sucks

Pat f*cks Grenier

Also, another funny item: If you saw a big, bald guy making an ass of himself during Raw by chanting his name NONSTOP for two hours, that was Carl “XL” Leduc, all coked up, and trying to get his name on television. He’s the son of Quebec legend Paul Leduc. That tells you a lot about the state of wrestling in Quebec, doesn’t it?

And that is from “Anonymous coward”.

I don’t know if this is true, as I stated up top… but let’s look at the facts:

1) It’s bad mouthing someone French
2) It’s bad mouthing someone Canadian
3) It involves Pat Patterson
4) It implies (*coughinvolvesshack*) riding the Hershey Highway
5) The French Canadian who sent me this pretty much admits to being a coward

Oh yeah… I’m running THIS bad boy.

HE WAS THE ONE WE TRUSTED. HE WAS OUR… AMIGO07/03

I did this story a couple of years ago already, and I have told my personal tale a few dozens times already too, but both bears repeating one more time:

Here’s the thing.

There once was a site named Scoops that had a very popular following. In the days of this new fangled thing called the IWC, Scoops was King. (I dare say Scoops was IWC before the word was even invented)

Then the head news writer/site owner/wrestling mark Al Isaacs hired a brash, witty, young writer to recap Raw and Nitro. Young writer called his recaps “The Mop-Up”

That young jackanape was known as Hyatte.

Hyatte made the Mop-Up very popular. Soon, Scoops was known for two things, not just one.

Hyatte assisted Al in making Scoops so big that real money started coming in. Hyatte started to get paid.

But Hyatte started getting too brash and too witty for his own good. Scoops inc, fearing headaches and lawsuits, started editing Hyatte’s column down to nothing.

Hyatte, like Farrah Fawcett before him, lept out of the burning bed and ran like hell before the flames engulfed him. Like a thief in the night, Hyatte ran.

Scoops, not knowing what to do, pretended that Hyatte never existed. “Hyatte? Who is this Hyatte? We have FREAKBOY, not Hyatte”

Hyatte turned up at ScoopThis for a while, then went to a small, nothing site called 411 with the agenda to make this site as big as possible! (and damn if I’m not getting the job done). He’s been there ever since and has become bigger than EVER!!

Scoops hung in there a’while… joined IGN.com for a’while… then quietly went away.
Al tried to re-kindle the old days a few times… but it was never the same.

And now… six years after a young, fiery magpie with awe and wonder in his eye submitted his first Mop-Up to the Man They Called Al, at a magical place they called Scoops. The young, innocent knave has become young-ish, a little less naïve, and a little more jaded. While Scoops has… well, when you visit Scoops…it’s… dammit, it’s…

It’s now a pay per porn site:

DIANA’S LIVE CAM

Hi, my name is Diana. I made this website to show off on my webcam when my folks are not at home.

Come and see me playing with myself live on my webcam! You don’t need a credit card to see me!!!

Click Here Now To See Me Live

And if you do click, you get sent to, and practically held hostage at, a special “pay per climax” deal where you can watch girls do things until you reach… well, you know.

And the girl showcased on this page is just alright. Nothing special. You know the drill.

And somewhere deep inside a man who just doesn’t care anymore, there is a young recapper with hope in his eyes that is weeping… weeping.

Ironically, I e-mailed Diana and asked what happened to Al. She said she didn’t know but announced that Yokozuna’s death was a work and he will be re-joining the WWE again very soon.

Widro… Ashish… take note. This is what happens when Hyatte jumps sites. And no one is looking for a Clara Flynn Boyle webcam…

LET’S GET PHYSICAL, PHYSICAL, FLEA WANTS TO GET PHYSICAL, LEMME HEAR FLEA’S BODY TALK, HIS BODY TALK, LEMME HEAR FLEA’S BODY TALK7/03

And there it is… the longest title I’ve ever written.

So, next summer I plan on visiting Flea out on Florida.

Now Flea, from what he has told me, isn’t exactly a perfect human specimen… and he drinks… a LOT… so I decided to use my time in Florida to put him on a fitness schedule to tone up that body and add 50 years to his life… this is the conversation on that subject.

Why join the chat in progress…. We were discussing whether he had any really hot neighbors:

Ryder Fakin: i think they will already be sleeping with one eye open when you come to town
Hyatte1com: right… first time they’ve laid eyes on a real man
Hyatte1com: booya
Ryder Fakin: bah

Hyatte1com: and they’ll get to marvel at how, in just a few short months, I transform Flea from a flabby, sloshy martinet into a lean, mean, hard, new-jacked, specimen
Ryder Fakin: they will be more impressed with my idear…”Hey Flea, wgere can we get one of those?”….FLEA: “nunya! not everone can own a Hi-8”
Hyatte1com: “H-Gr8? Why am I wet? I wasn’t swimmin’?” “No, Flea, that’s called sweat… get used to it!!”
Ryder Fakin: fetch me a drink!
Hyatte1com: sure… one Gatorade coming up… gotta replenish those electrolytes, my hard training friend”

Hyatte1com: mornings will start with 50 push-ups and 500 crunches… just to wake us up
Hyatte1com: then a nice jog… start you off on two miles
Hyatte1com: get some free, clean oxygen in those black, miserable lungs of yours
Ryder Fakin: i don’t see this happening

Hyatte1com: “Hi8, I gotta go to the hospital… my arms are all puffy and swollen”
Hyatte1com: no Flea, they are just getting buffed, baby… it’s natural.
Ryder Fakin: I’m happy the way I am. The only exercise I need is telling you what to do

Hyatte1com: “This is great Hi8, now I can beat up the crack heads without passing out from exhaustion!! This baseball bat don’t weigh nothin’ anymore!”
Ryder Fakin: and too show my appreciation I’ll show you a thumb exercise! Take your thumb, stick it in the air, and wait by the road!
Hyatte1com: “you mean… you can SWIM in these god damn POOLS? I thought all they were good for was to float around in like a dead whale
Hyatte1com: “wow, Hi8, I kick my legs and actually MOVE FORWARD in the water! I feel like AQUAMAN!!! HYUCK”
Ryder Fakin: i’ll outswim you, catfish. i’ll SMOKE and swim more laps
Hyatte1com: heh HAW

Hyatte1com: I feel like Aquaman… HAHAHAHAHAAA HYATTE RULES
Ryder Fakin: only thing you know is the sunstroke
Hyatte1com: “HI-8!!! DID YOU KNOW THAT WHEN YOU GO UNDER WATER YOU CAN’T BREATHE??? WHAT DO I DO???”
Ryder Fakin: “OH HYATTE”

Hyatte1com: “DESI!!! GET OUT HERE AND BRING THE CAMCORDDOOHICKY!!!! WATCH WHUT HAPPENS WHEN I KICK THE WATER!!! I MOVE FOREWARD!!! HYATTE SEZ THIS IS CALLED “SWIMMIN”… WHAT WILL THEY THINK IF NEXT???”
Hyatte1com: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAYHAAAAA
Ryder Fakin: Chris Hyatte – Hillbilly Helper
Hyatte1com: I am Picasso and Flea is my blank canvas

Hey look! I’m AQUAMAN!! HAHAHA… oh that was funny

I’ll have that boy chasing chickens (for greasy speed) and running on top of mountains screaming, “DRAGOOOOOO” within a WEEK.

THE ADVENTURES OF LL COOL HY (LADIES LOVE COOL HYATTE)05/03

See, most of you gals reading probably have me pigeonholed as a crass, fat, stinky, obnoxious, geekboy of the highest order who wouldn’t know how to be suave and charming if my life depended on it… well, I believe THIS e-mail will make you think different:

I can’t believe you’re putting up with my shit. Actually, yes I can. You happen to be the only person not letting me get away with it. I’m so sorry I’m being a cold bitch… I need to talk to you soon, okay. God I miss you.

See? I am patient, tolerant, sweet, kind, loving, and forgiving…. Plus I’m great in the sack and know what the f*ck I’m doing.

It’s okay… admit it… I make you wet.

ONE CLASSY BROAD09/02

It ain’t Missy Hyatt. A reader of mine recently spent some quality time fishing around the wrestlingvixxxens website and was stunned by what Missy said during her chat sessions. Apparently, Missy decided a long time ago that tact and diplomacy were for gals who DIDN’T sleep with Jason Hervey:

Hey Hyatte,

For your reading pleasure here are some pearls of wisdom from Missy’s mouth:

The Ballad of Violent J and Missy. Two weeks ago Missy came on cam and started babbling about how wonderful Violent J was and how she was going to invite him down for the weekend so she could give him a blowjob on camera. After some discussion with the chat room it was established that J was the fat untalented one not the skinny untalented one of ICP.

Well two days later Missy is back on cam but this time she is spewing venom towards our hefty rapper. Seems he decided to work a house show in Michigan for free rather then come down for his moment of fame. Missy basically spent an hour talking about what a loser J was and how shitty he was in bed.

Fast forward a week. Missy is back on cam and this time she is back in love with J. It seems he wrote a little something on the ICP webpage where he talked about his relationship with Missy. She was particularly won over by his comments on how he used to masturbate to her when he was a kid (and who says Shakespeare is dead?). Violent J’s ode to Missy seemed to have produced such dramatic effects that quite a few of us from the chat room decided to brave the ICP webpage and check it out. In essence the column boiled down to this. Missy was a good lay and “she got 60 minutes of dick time”. Cough cough. But there was a bit more. You see while he devoted a paragraph or two to the joys of Missy there was page after page of J talking about how much he wanted to f*ck Tammy and how he would have f*cked her if Chris Candido wasn’t around to kick his fat ass if got within two feet of her.

So there you have it, next time you are really trying to win your girl’s heart and affection tell her how great she is in bed… but how you really really want to f*ck her friend instead.

Other soundbites and words of wisdom: In response to a question on whether or not Tammy is a crackwhore… “Tammy is not a crackwhore! She’s too fat to be on crack.

On whether or not Missy will do a lesbian photo shoot: “Well Tammy really wants to go down on me but I’m not that attracted to her, cuz she’s fat.

Missy and anal sex: “Ain’t nothin going up my ass… that hurts, everytime I tried it it hurt. No up the butt for me… well wait… I guess it depends on who it is that wants to do it to me.

Missy on Pat Patterson: “Well this is highly speculative but there are certain guys that got a push because they gave him a push. Ultimate Warrior. You know guys like that. Pat really really likes Jeff Hardy. But thats highly speculative.

Missy on the late Eddie Gilbert: “I still miss Eddie.” About the only reasonably classy thing I have heard Missy say in the two weeks I have been there.

He also advised us that if we want to join the site to see Tammy in action…. well, Tammy seems to have hit the buffet table lately. Be warned.

Missy Hyatt: she puts the “ass” in “Class”

I’d still do her so hard tho’. She’s a Holy Six Pack. I’d need to drink a six pack blessed by a Priest before I could do her, but I’d do her…. and I would be goooooood. Ya’ hear me, Missy? Chris Hyatte comes with the THUNDER!! BOOYA!!!

Ahhh, my kingdom for a Stratus

WIDRO: INTERNETIONAL MAN OF MISERY09/02

After I posted the Mop-Up Raw Retro last week, Widro sent me this:

have to have a talk about posting… i’m not entirely sure why you posted a major new thing during ppv coverage… as of right now, you are not allowed to post anything directly to the site anymore… i am extremely upset

Isn’t he cute? Later on, he said that it was just because Unforgiven was so crappy that he was in a pissy mood. All was well again and we went back to our usual routine where I griped about how he and Ashish didn’t praise my greatness enough and he completely patronized and humored me.

But I waited for the time to get a little REVENGE… and last night… I GOT SOME!!

Hyatte1com: I’m going to ask you a serious question
Widro: ok

Hyatte1com: do you remember you’re first blowjob?
Widro: yes

Hyatte1com: What was his name?
Hyatte1com: HAW HAW HAW
Widro: hilarious

Hyatte1com: now say something Widro-ey… ’cause this is for the column
Widro: if it wasn’t for the hits, you would have been canned months ago

Hyatte1com: nah, that’s Ashish
Widro: hmm
Hyatte1com: Ah Widro… guys our age have the world by the tail!
Widro: Our age?
Hyatte1com: Yeah!
Widro: You’re 36

Hyatte1com: The F*ck I am!! I am a spry 26
Widro: You were 29 three years ago!
Hyatte1com: WHOOPS!!! GOTTA GO!!

I logged off before he could respond. 36… how dare he. Little squirt.

VENGENCE IS MINE, SAYETH THE HYATTE!!!

I am… SO gay.

HAS THE POPE BEEN INFORMED?09/02

In my never ending quest to report week-old news, out in Los Angeles, California two black guys broke into the Messiah’s home and cut off his thumb. The LAPD refuse to speculate if the attack was racial (You understand, the LAPD has had a rough couple of decades). Both assailants were over six feet and pushing at least 230 pounds. When asked for comment, the Messiah said, “I was too busy looking out for the Jews to care about two black guys.”

When asked to comment, one Rabbi said, “Well, if he really is the Messiah, he can sprout that damn thumb right back, can’t he?”

The Internet in general yawned over this news story. Who cares about an Indy slob?

Former WCW Head of Security, Doug Dillenger, was scene in the area on the day this occurred. Nobody has made any connection to these instances until right now. I SWEAR I WILL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS, PEOPLE!!!! (I’mlying)

ME AND AIM09/02

Sometimes… sometimes I just can’t handle people… and I turn up the “douchebag-meter”.

The following exchange is all true… it’s lengthy, but stay with it. It’s fun.

Matt The Rat: hey
Hyatte1com: I have no response for that.

Matt The Rat: oh sorry are you that hyatte dude
Hyatte1com: depends… are you that Mat the Rat dude?
Matt The Rat: i am
Hyatte1com: My GOD!! I’M SUCH A FAN!!!! I LOVE YOUR WORK!!!
Matt The Rat: my work?
Hyatte1com: the way you sneak around houses and fields, eating cheese and ducking hungry cats and owls… what skills scaring women silly

Matt The Rat: lol i never do that is a nickname but my real name is matt
Hyatte1com: your kidding?

Matt The Rat: i read your work for 411wrestling and i want to know can i be a writer/ranter
Hyatte1com: well first, we don’t hire rats

Matt The Rat: is a nickname hyatte gave to me by my mom and second i’m handicapped
Hyatte1com: second, “ranters” are usually homosexuals…and we do NOT hire homosexuals
Matt The Rat: i’m not gay eather

Hyatte1com: how old are you?
Matt The Rat: 26
Hyatte1com: okay… what’s your handicap?
Matt The Rat: i have cerebral palsy very mild

Hyatte1com: so you can walk and talk and work?
Matt The Rat: well i walk and talk but work i tried when i was in this program for disabled students in high school they can’t find one for me

Matt The Rat: and also i know my wrestling stuff ask me anything
Hyatte1com: okay…. what was Bob Sweetan’s finisher?
Matt The Rat: is bob sweetans in the 60’s? if so i know 80’s thru today
Hyatte1com: okay…. where does Bob Backlund live?
Matt The Rat: he live in ny or nor also bacland is a great champion right next to hogan in wwf now wwe also if wwe needs to come back ditch the split because the split is hurting the fans and also low ratings’

Hyatte1com: what’s Bret Hart’s favorite color?
Matt The Rat: pink by the tights he wore in is singles push and blue the original color of the foundation before pink
Hyatte1com: Bret’s favorite color is purple or mauve

Hyatte1com: what color was Rick “The Model” Martel’s kneepads?
Matt The Rat: i beleve it was blue or white
Hyatte1com: green

Hyatte1com: here’s an easy one…. how long was Jericho’s hair when he made his WWF debut… using the metric system, please
Matt The Rat: metric i say 54 inches long or longer in his wcw sint it was long for the added bonus Jericho’s bodyguard is raplhus
Hyatte1com: 76 metric inches

Matt The Rat: ask me about the IVhorsemen
Hyatte1com: okay… name them
Matt The Rat: ok the originals are ole,arn,flair,blanchard the luger,then sid i beleve roma sting,windham,jarrett,michmichel,pillman benoit,malnko and henning in 97 before joining the nWo
Hyatte1com: wrong, wrong WRONG
Matt The Rat: what? i got all of them
Hyatte1com: Famine, Pestilence, War, and Disease are the Four Horsemen

Matt The Rat: i meant in iv horsemen of wrestling
Hyatte1com: oh… oh

Matt The Rat: hey look some wrestling things i know and also the wwe(wwf) should be WCW
Hyatte1com: Matt, you got every answer wrong

Matt The Rat: i know but i follow wrestling thiugh since 86
Hyatte1com: how many times has Savage pinned Hogan?
Matt The Rat: none
Hyatte1com: WRONG
Matt The Rat: ok 2
Hyatte1com: 47 times… Andy Savage pinned Syren Hogan 47 times in over 23 porn movies that they have performed in together

Hyatte1com: I’m sorry, Matt… you are not 411 material yet… Go to another site and practice your craft then come to us… give it a year
Matt The Rat: well what about this how about i will rant about survivor
Hyatte1com: why does 411 need a rant on Survivor?
Matt The Rat: well because to kept track what’s being happing and also i know million dolla champions for the show

Hyatte1com: that’s not an answer to my question
Matt The Rat: cause i wi ll rant about survivor my favorite show
Hyatte1com: once again… not the answer to my question… why do we need a ranter on Survivor?
Matt The Rat: because i want to be the first non wrestling ranter
Hyatte1com: I thought you said you weren’t a homosexual?
Matt The Rat: i’m not gay also i like show outside of wrestling survivor is the game i like to see to my point of view
Hyatte1com: but, Ranters are homosexuals… and you keep saying you want to be a ranter…

Matt The Rat: well is scott keath a coulmns or a ranter if i want to do this i want to be the dennis miller of rants
Hyatte1com: you’re off to a flying start
Matt The Rat: thanks

Hyatte1com: gotta go… later
Matt The Rat: you 2

Ugh, I can be such an asshole.

Thank Bloody Christ for that.

To show I am half nice, I corrected 35% of his errors.

THE RAT QUEEN OF RHODE ISLAND09/03

Hey HEY… here’s some gossipy news that I promise NO ONE ELSE HAS.

It looks Jerry “The King” Lawler has FINALLY gotten over the loss of his young wife Stacey, by, naturally, getting frisky with an even YOUNGER model.

(and by “model” I don’t mean model, I mean… well, like a car or something)

I don’t have all the facts, but I caught word that Lawler is about to move his new babe to Memphis. He’s been with her for a while and my friends say she has pictures of them on vacation and such. Her name is probably Kelly. She is 20 years old.

20 years old.

Now here’s what I can tell you about her. Never met or seen the gal, but I know Rhode Island.

She’s from North Providence… which means she is Italian.

It also means she probably has frizzy, poofed up Jersey girl mall hair which is more than likely fried harder than a pork rind.

It also means she is dumber than a box of tampons

It also means that she has no less than 4 brothers

It also means that at some point, all of her brothers will take Lawler aside (one at a time) and promise to “put him in the grave” if he ever f*cks with their sister.

It means that her brothers will be wearing tank tops to show off their hairy muscles when they make said promise.

It also means that each of her brothers will brag to Lawler about how they can “beat the shit” out of every WWE wrestler currently on both rosters. “Goldberg? He ain’t shit.”

It means, of course, that they will strongly hint at their “connections”…

It means that each of her brothers will ask Lawler to “hook me up, yo” (did I mention that these are white paisans?) with either/or tickets, dope, coke, Stacey Keibler and/or ‘roids immediately after they threaten him with violence, brag about how tough they are, and boast about their non-existent “connections”.

It also means that they will explain to Lawler about how “nuttin’ in Memphis can compare with the food on Federal Hill.

Finally, this means that when they VISIT Lawler and their sister in Memphis, they will no doubt goof on “these crahppy Memphis ahccens”… and get in no less than 4 bahhr fights.

That vag must suck shlongs like a lollipop, ’cause ol’ Lawler is going to put up with a LOT of nonsense for it.

DIVA DOWN09/03

One of 1bob’s writers got a big interview with new WWE Diva Jamie Koeppe. I always wondered how this guy scored so many interviews, then I read it and saw why. He excels at making these people look as good as possible… he just seems to be a little TOO obvious about it. Here, see for yourself:

How is your jaw after blowing Vince, Shane, and Hunter for the gig?

“I am exhausted, but I am doing really well.”

Why are you giving up your total identity to the WWE? We know it’s because you have no career, really and this is a good way to make cake, but give us an answer that makes you look more famous than you really are.

“Several fans from my Yahoo club encouraged me to do so. It took me a little while to decide to do so and I then entered, and once I entered, it gave me a little effort to try and win it.”

Now try to be humble

“I didn’t think I would win. I saw my competitors, and I thought that they just had a little more experience then I did. My competition was Diane who was in my region, and I thought she would take the whole thing.”

Let’s pretend for a second that the WWE gives a shit about how you think your character should be handled and comment on what you think you’ll be doing with them

“I think that we would have to sit down, and talk about what would happen. I am open to ideas and seeing what is going to happen as I am not too sure, but I am up for any challenge.”

Tell me about your entertainment background as a TV personality, actress, and fitness model?

How long before you pull a “Chyna?”

“I have no idea. It is hard to say, because just being pretty doesn’t mean anything. I have talent, but I need to be seen. People might assume she is good looking or has an attractive body, but I happen to be very marketable and do have talent. I am thankful for the opportunity to be seen, but I am hoping something will come out of it. My thing is sports and entertainment.”

You’re a hot babe, so lie to the fan boys about how you’ve always loved wrestling so you won’t come across as someone using it as a stepping stone

“I have been watching it for years. We used to get together as a group and watch it, and yeah I have been watching it for years even with my family. I have always watched it. People say I am not a fan, and there are a lot of people saying a lot of things, and there are a lot of haters. There is nothing I can really do. People are going to do judge you in all ways no matter what. People always have an opinion.”

Now kiss Trish Stratus’s ass a bit

“I think it’s great. She has come a long way. I think she is doing an awesome job.”

Now before we wrap up, show the company how media savvy you are by stringing together as many positive cliches as possible in one bunch

“I am open to anyone who has any suggestions. I am pretty much open to seeing what happens and this is entertainment. I love live entertainment, but will basically see what happens. I think the possibilities are endless. There are a lot of opportunities, and the world is my oyster.”

There you go. With a little coaching, the girl will goose-step with the WWE’s policies as smoothly as anyone else. The girl’s got a FUTURE!

She also has a website… it’s her name followed by a .com. Go nuts.

ACROSS THE BOARDS07/02

You all love it. Brush with fame and all that. Although how this exactly makes you FAMOUS is beyond me.

Anywhoo… this time around, I went to the Lords of Pain site, the DVD Board (redefining depressing), a stop at tOa, and finally, I went to Online Onslaught… where the Rick says “I’d like to think that OO skewers a more intelligent audience”… yeah, okay. Keep in mind, the dumber quotes here (as well as the ones with the most misspelling), are straight from him. No, I did NOT have to search very long or very hard for them either.

“Hey Fellow Wrestling Fans!!! I was just wondering if any of you have heard when Steph will be back. Thanks.”

“The South shall rise again! But then we’ll have a couple of beers and fall asleep on the recliner….”

“i’ve been a proud smark for 8 years”

“I find it hard to bring together your statements about the WWE, wrestling in general, and yhen your lack of knowledge as to who ‘Goldberg’ is. It appears to me that you are attempting to provoke a flame and, in such an attempt, being bloody annoying.”

“Ummmm, I can’t remember who Bob Ryder is. Who’s Bob Ryder?”

“WOW, AREN’T YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! If the commercial shows like 10 clips of Rey wrestling, and at the end shows Rey’s mask… who the f**k else could it be? Of course it’s Rey Mysterio, Jr.”

“Dude it totaly was Goldberg. Couldnt you tell???????”

“You whitebread 13-year-olds actually deserve what Jericho dished out. There’s nothing worse than a buncha alleged “wrestling fans” negatively critiquing a match that obviously had truckloads of effort, care and emotion wrapped up in it. If you didn’t like the match in the context of the show for x, y or z reason, then that’s OK. But to diss the guys for lack of effort or the fact that it didn’t look like an earlier match one or two of the participants had sometime ago, shows a lot more ignorance that any of you realize. What Jericho shouldn’t have done was voice his displeasure the way he did, which is already opening up a Pandora’s Box of socially-challenged cyber-bellyachers with too much freetime on their hands.”

“Eric Bishoff is a pea-brianed asshole who is power hungry and wants total control over everyone.”

“I really hope Nash and HBK get fired, HBK has no use unless he wrestles anyway, and Nash has no use unless he doesnt..unfortunatley we have nash wrestling and michaels not.”

“Terry Funk – pretty sure he was in NWA”
(Hyatte’s note: Yeah, he was only NWA WORLD CHAMPION… moron)

“So how much wrestling do you have to do to then be worthy of analyzing matches? Does being in training count, or does it have to be a whole match? David Arquette has wrestled. He’s a former world champion. Should we replace Meltzer with Arquette now?”

“When the ratings started falling last year, people began writing about that, and it was a sign of things to come like people were “wanting” ratings to happen. Sorry, but I dare anyone to not do the job of these performers, but what about the writers? These people are expected to come up with 300 hours of original programming a year. But, we bitch when a feud last too long or not long enough. We bitch if a match is too short or too long. We bitch if someone is talking too long, but bitch if our favorite performer isn’t allowed to talk. It’s amazing”

“Is Hunter and Steph still getting divorced? Or am I not supposed to remember that.”

“The New World Order of today–much like it was in 1997–is best suited for the political-minded punch-and-kick masters such as Nash and a useless Shawn Michaels. Guerrero would only serve as the designated jobber for the team (perhaps making X-Pac much more lithe with the massive weight relieved of his shoulders) and be subjected to standing next to Nash in every promo so “Insecure Sexy” can remind everyone watching that he’s really, really tall.”

“No amount of acting school is going to save Lance Storm’s dull ass personality”

“F*ck the selling, GIVE ME *MORE* MOVES!”

“One should also note that Triple H won’t job cleanly to Kurt Angle but HULK F’N HOGAN will. What a world.”

“I hope they are not betting on the cartoon clown steroid freak Brock Lesnar.”

“I am sick and tired of people who say that Foley should come back. The man has given you his heart and his soul, he has nearly DIED for you at KOTR of 98 just to entertain you ppl and you just wantto ask him to comeback, hey did u ever think that maybe just maybe he’s not fit to wrestle anymore, did u think maybe, just maybe he’s not in the mood to risk injuries again? He has writtn two great autobiographies, ppl who want Foley back read them nd ask yourself if you had done all that would u still want to come back? Leave the man in peace.”

“I only agree to the part where you said you were gay. That part was true.”

“the higher power angle was not as bad as the Dungeon of Doom angle where Hulk searches through the Amazon to go find Kevin Sullivan and his master.”

“Your right, i hate 411wrestling.com’s boards they don’t allow u to do shit, it like a high school fourm or someting, so don’t use it peeps ”

“I don’t know why so many on this board are not fans of and cannot appreciate Stephanie McMahon. She is entertaining, good looking, and intelligent and has proven time and time again that she is one of the key players in the success of the WWE.”

“Wrestlers shouldn’t be rating their own matches.”
Hyatte’s note: Neither should anyone I’ve ever read on these damn boards

“I’m trying to figure out when I singled you out and ‘flamed’ you. All I did was took something you said, and disagreed with it. You singled me out, and insulted me… THEREFORE as per LoP’s board rules, I move that Canucks be banned. Those are the rules right? This isn’t the ‘Asylum’, it’s the WWE Forum. No flaming allowed. I take offense to his flaming.”

“If fans didn’t like Jericho, he wouldn’t have gotten over in Stampede, he never would have gotten to WAR from there, and then to ECW, and so on. All performers owe their success to the fans, at least to an extent”

“Yeah, I’m sure Chris Jericho reads tOA! SIKE! HAHA FREAK GEEK!”

“I dont know if it’s headache that i have right now…but did i read someone wan’t to know when Stephanie McJugg’s coming back to television. My guess is about 15 seconds just before Triple H is about to win back the Undisputed title. God my headache just got worse just thinking of her screeching.”

“How about we say, ‘F*ck WWE for making Rey wear the mask. How DARE they!!’ As for the lucha ‘tradition’, it’s entertainment. People in Mexico need to get a grip. Aren’t you just happy to see Rey Rey hobble around the ring?”

“Bret never infurred that Shanw was gay he was reffering to him being sexual frustrated to my understanding. Playgirl magazine is a magazines built for women to look at exclusively hense the title. And I dont have any idea what you’re talking about with Tammy Lynn Sytch. As far as I can remember Sytch was still happily with Chris Candildo. I don;t know if youre trying to start bullswhit or if you think you heard something from a bunch of dudes playing video game.”

“As I have said before – you MUST remove Stephanie from the head of the writing team. If Vince will not have the guts to do this – as his recent cave in shows, then maybe Shane will stop biting his tongue and give his real views. With any luck that will tip the scales and Steph can go bye bye. I should point out that I actually rate Steph as a booker – BUT her opinions are being heavily, and unavoidably, manipulated currently due to her relationship habbits.”

“I think Luger’s best carreer move was during WM8 where he was working for the WBF”

“the rock is the best thing to happen to the wwf since…ever. he is gonna be much bigger than hogan assuming no unforseen circumstances. he jobs more than any top superstar and is FAR better than all of them except perhaps austin, ESPECIALLY HHH. him making movies is GOOD for the wwf and he did not walk out like everyone has reminded you of on this thread and he’s back so know your role”

“This is not to even mention old Michinoku Pro, which threw out spotfests so much better than (NWATNA’s X Title match) that it’s like comparing Please Please Me with Revolver”

“Chris, my son, look at the ratings. Look at how business was when you are were on top. You are telling people to stop watching and take up bowling, dammit Chris most wrestling fans bought the shoes and the shiny three-holed balls months ago.”

“No they shouldn’t push Raven. He sux. They should be pushing guys like Mark Henry, Maven, or Hardcore Holly!”

“The titles you win don’t determine how good you are. Billy Gunn has won more WWF titles than Chris Benoit, does that mean he is better? Uh, hell no.”

“Triple H is the only person who comes close to being “The New Hogan”, but not in the good way. HHH is “the new Hogan” in that he doesn’t give very meaningful interviews, relies on a limited and very basic moveset, has an incredible physique and limited mobility, has either a decent or bad match depending on his opponent, and seemingly never loses. I won’t even get into the backstage politics”

“Hell, No one was there to see it. Debra could’ve ran at him with a knife or something. No one is saying. Steve ain’t saying. You never know. I’d hit a chick if she went after me first. Forget this macho-BS, if she’s doing the shooting, maybe she needs a receipt”

“It occurs to me (and has probably occured to others)… The WWE probably wanted to put an interview up on their site where a Big Name wrestler puts Austin in his place. But both Taker and HHH wanted to do it, since whoever did would get the same “biggest name” bump that the Rock did when he did the live dressing-down on RAW. So they *both* did it, and now there are two nearly-identical articles up at wwe.com, one with Taker’s name on it, and one with HHH’s. Doesn’t that seem silly to anyone else?”

“When Death sleeps, it dreams of you”

“stephanie is horrible at writing wwe storylines… she needs to be shot”

“oh i almost forgot another thing about 411wrestling.com, they are a bunch of taliban-like pussies that want to control us and control what we type, i like OO because it is an American Fourm, where we can say any damn way we please.”

“Now, I hope that for the next 3 weeks the fans will stay absolutely quiet when he is in the ring. No pops, no heat, just dead silence…”

“You mean Shawn Michales used to wrestle? The only thing I have seen of Michales is his stuff in the nWo, which obviously requires him to talk more than wrestle? Its good to know that he used to be a major player in the WWE. Now that I know of his past contibutions to the WWE I am now even more eager to see him wrestle!”

“shut up and try to argue with someone who gives a @#%$ bye bye then ta ta”

“During the Lesnar vs Van Dam match I heard a slight Goldberg chant. Why would the fans be chanting that? It just seemed wierd.”

“From what I saw last night, it looks like Batista and not lesnar is the next Goldberg. Lesnar doesn’t have the ‘fierce’ facial expressions needed to be portrayed in such a role. It’s doubtful it will work for him.”

“I’ve got indy booking experience and work cheap. I’m young, got a good head on my shoulders (155 IQ), and have a unique perspective to offer. You’ll be hearing from me every week.”

“You know what WWE really needs….Eric Bischoff! I think Paul Heyman is doing a terrible job. I don’t think he was ready for his job. thereis too many people for Paul to take care of. Eric is used to that many people.”

“I am sooooo sick and tired of all these marks (sorry I refuse to use the made up name ‘smarks’) who want to go on websites and message boards and critique matches. If you have never been in a wrestling ring you don’t know what you are talking about so do us all a favor and SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!”

Now I ask you… is there ANY difference between these posts from THREE YEARS AGO and now?

Probably the same assholes too… sad, sad, sad…

What ISN’T sad is that yet another thrilling edition of The Summer of Hyatte is in the can!! I am ROCKING through the heat… SWEATING out fresh, killer material right up until Labor Day… the its And Another Thing: Independence on a Saturday Night… then… then…

Well, let’s focus on the now before we look into the later.

Speaking of later, next week NEW material… top to bottom… lots of stuff… tons… major news breaking… major stories analyzed… major opinions weighed…

And I may even talk about Trish Stratus a little… who knows?

Go stuff your fat faces with cheeseburgers and thank God you don’t live in Canada.

This is Hyatte