Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Taco Bell’s Cheesy Gordita Crunchâ€â€a crunchy taco with a zesty pepper jack sauce, wrapped in warm, pillowy flatbread with a blend of three melted cheeses. Think outside the bun.
After spending the majority of my Thursday night putting together this column, I usually add the rest of the news, plugs, and any other fine-tuning, however, this weekend I was so swamped with work and other non-InsidePulse items that I was forced to send this out looking a bit meager. I’m sorry… if you see fit, you can email Widro here and demand a refund.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE (WOO! EDITION)
NEWS TO USE
Marc Cohn, who sang the 1991 hit “Walking in Memphis,” was shot in head last Sunday during an attempted car-jacking in Denver, following a concert at the Botanic Gardens. The singer’s tour van was exiting a parking garage when Joseph Yacteen tried to stop it; however, the driver, Cohn’s tour manager Thomas Dube, saw that he had a gun and swerved around him, prompting Yacteen to fire into the van. The bullet hit the windshield, grazed Dube’s arm, and struck Cohn in the head. Miraculously, he was treated at an area hospital for minor injuries (as was Dube) and released the next day. As for Yacteen, he was still being sought after on Wednesday after having missed a scheduled July 15 court date, as he is also facing unrelated first-degree murder, robbery, assault, battery, weapons, and drug charges, or as the police are referring to it, “The Bobby Brown Package.”
In yet another chapter of the Courtney Love Saga, the singer/actress was ordered by Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Rand Rubin to attend court on August 19 to face accusations that she violated her probation by taking some sort of controlled substance. The instance in question, which was previously reported in The Saturday Swindle Sheet #101, took place last month at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel, when Love was rushed to a nearby hospital after fainting at an entertainment gala. Prosecutors allege that the incident was not a simple “illness,” but was rather brought on after Love consumed “some sort of narcotic.” If she fails to appear at the hearing, there will be a warrant issued for her arrest.
A judge ruled in favor of recently convicted rapper Lil Kim in a separate civil case in which she was suing to block the distribution of an unauthorized DVD that was to contain footage of her without her permission, along with commentary on her previous perjury case. U.S. District Judge Jed Rakoff said on Wednesday that Kim was entitled to the victory since the defendant, rapper and Lil Kim’s former Junior M.A.F.I.A. compatriot James “Lil Cease” Lloyd, was a no-show for the hearing. He also noted that part of his decision was based on the fact that Lil Cease makes really shitty music, while adding that although Lil Kim’s is not much better, she does show off her boobs a lot.
Quick Bits
Roc-A-Fella rapper Beanie Sigel was released from a New Jersey prison on Tuesday, after having served a one-year term on a federal drug and gun conviction. However, he still he another trial in his near future, regarding a July 2003 shooting outside of a Philadelphia nightclub which had left a previous jury deadlocked.
Count Basie, Ella Fitzgerald, and Benny Goodman were among this year’s 12 inductees into the fledgling Nesuhi Ertegun Jazz Hall of Fame in New York’s Time Warner Center.
That chick from the Black Eyed Peas allegedly pissed her pants at some show last week. I would still totally do her.
R&B singer Ciara led the list of nominees for the Soul Train Lady of Soul Awards (to be broadcast on September 7), which were announced on Tuesday, with five nods, for Best New Artist, Best Music Video, Best Dance Cut, Best R&B/Soul Album, and Best Something Else I Don’t Care About.
Helen Phillips, who was the very first black soprano to sing at New York’s Metropolitan Opera, died of heart failure last week. She was 86.
A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
From Underground Inc…
A new Pigface Live bootleg 2-CD set is now up for sale in the Underground, Inc. store… from 1994 in San Francisco.
ASTRALWERKS PUBLICITY INTERN/ASSISTANT NEEDED
Astralwerks is looking for a part time apprentice in our Publicity Department. Candidates must live in the New York Metro area and be able to commit 20 hours per week. Hours are flexible. Work directly with our Publicity team and gain hands on experience in press and media relations. Some experience is preferred but not necessary.
For more info email press@astralwerks.net.
iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
Common, “The 6th Sense” [f/Bilal]
Modern English, “Melt With You”
Alice in Chains, “Man in the Box”
BoDeans, “Closer to Free” (Live)
Bronski Beat, “Smalltown Boy”
Louis Prima, “Jump, Jive & Wail”
Rolling Stones, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”
Nightmares on Wax, “Les Nuits”
Roots Manuva, “Soul Decay”
Wu-Tang Clan, “Protect Ya Neck (The Jump Off)”
Ugly Kid Joe, “Everything About You”
Grover Washington Jr., “Just the Two of Us” [f/Bill Withers]
Ramones, “Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue”
Mansun, “Wide Open Space”
New Order, “Touched By the Hand of God”
The Smiths, “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now”
The Notorious B.I.G., “Big Poppa”
Gomez, “Shot Shot”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
According to her publicist, pregnant pop-tart Britney Spears and her bodyguards denied any involvement when asked on Monday about a paparazzo being shot with a BB gun outside of a house in Malibu where the singer was allegedly attending a baby shower. Photographer Brad Diaz, who told reporters that he would sue the Spears for “millions,” accuses someone in her security staff of shooting him, adding, “I can’t believe it. I was on a public street.” Kelly Davis, a representative from Diaz’s photo agency added, “I was told by people at the scene that police officers were sort of standing around laughing at [the incident]. … This was an uncalled-for act of aggression. Brad has a bullet lodged deep into his skin.” A “bullet”? Honey, that’s not a bullet. I’ve been shot with a BB gun. Yeah, it stings like a motherf*cker, but it’s not a bullet. It’s a f*cking pellet. That’s why they let kids have them. You might actually be able to do more damage with a potato gun. Go and tell 50 Cent that you think a BB is a bullet, and he’ll probably laugh at you, bitch-slap you, and then proceed to make out with Paul Oakenfold while you look on in confusion.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and this is my four-leaf clover.
Cheers
-JF2k5!
