Welcome everybody to Montreal Canada, where I didn’t screw Bret – everybody in the entire frigging world screwed Bret. We are here at the show that promotes Divas, promotes Inside Pulse, promotes screaming at your screen… it is…
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
On this fine fine day, here are our participants:
The man who screwed Jenna.. HERNANDEZ
The guy who screwed other guys.. BILL
The girl who I pay to screw me… DANI
The girl who is just plain screwed.. LAURA
…and returning…
THE MAN WHO SCREWED US FOR AS MONTH…. ERIC!
Before we get to the show, to be nice and not take up so much damn Rabble Space – the Rabble Divas are featured at the end of this report. For a quick link to each of them – just click here.
CONNOR WALKER
KYLY CORBITO
CHRISTINE WOODRUFF
MIKE SHELDON
This week go log onto the Inside Pulse Forums and vote for YOUR Rabble Diva. The final two shall be revealed next week on the Monday Night Rabble.
Of course, live in Montreal, who comes out first.. SHAWN ‘I WEAR A PINK TIE’ MICHAELS. The crowd is livid!
“Montreal Hates HBK”
“Heartbreak, Go Home!” – Canadian signs.
“WHO IS YOUR DAAAADDY!!!” – Shawn!
“YOU SCREWED BRET!!” – Canada!
Shawn would like to return in kind by singing ‘Oh Canada!’ – this is genius.
“Oh Canada, how I hate this place.
Oh Canada, I’m gonna kick Hogan right in the face.
They have Shawn mic’d high so you can hear him over the chorus of ‘Asshole’. Shawn discusses the Survivor Series Screwjob by name. The crowd goes in with the ‘We Want Bret’ and Shawn outright says, “You can’t have Bret, because I screwed Bret. I’d do it again. If Bret walked down this ring and looked me square in the eye… and came to the ring… I would tell him..”
AND THEY BRING IN BRET’S MUSIC!
“Me and Bill have no idea…” – Dani
“He’s going to come in from the roof.” – Eric
And Shawn of course got it over on us, no matter the fact that they put every person in the room on edge. Shawn states that we shall never ever see Bret in a WWE ring again.
“The greatest 7 minutes of wrestling.” – Hernandez
“Shawn still gets me.. every week.” – Me
Shawn finishes his anti-Hogan promo, only to be interrupted by Hulk Hogan’s music!
“Where Bret Hart comes out..” – Me
Shawn falls to the ground laughing. “Ok, fine the first time.. maybe I’m cruel. The second time, you are just proving that Montreal is everything I ever said it was.”
“I LIKE Evil Shawn!” – Dani
Shawn makes a point to mention that Bret and Hogan aren’t here, because their limos haven’t arrived yet. Shawn then sits and lounges on the mat while the audience chants ‘Nanaheyhey goodbye’.
“Did you hear that he just insinuated Bret was coming?” – Me
“I heard it..” – Eric
As Shawn finishes up, he strips.. and they bleep out the ‘Shawn’s a Fucker’ chant.
“Shawn’s a hoser!” – Bill
COMMERCIAL
In the background we have the divas sitting chatting amongst each other.
Right now though it’s time to bring the show down to a match that is only going to make us laugh.
THE HEARTHROBS vs. BIG SHOW
THe Big Show Gets a Pop Match?!
Of course standard collar elbow tie up with both guys. Big Show throws them. They seperate for a flank attack, and as they charge a double noggin knocker to get us going. Show beats on one, then just throws the other. Romeo eats a HUGE chop. Antonio eats a huge chop.
This continues on, until FINALLY the Hearthrobs get Show into the corner and cheat the hell out of it. Splashes. Wrapping his leg up. Then with no worry, he tosses one and kicks the other. Big double splash, double back body drop, double chokeslam, double pin.
WINNER: Big Show
We notice over in the crowds, a huge crowd is running towards the ring. Kind of odd.
“Yeah, Great White is playing in the concession stand.” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL
Coming down now is my favorite retard!!! CHRISTIE! And her cheerleader, ROCKY DENNIS!
“Who is the hometown hero?!” – Hernandez
“Bret, duh.” – Dani
Eugene says something in French, the Canadians cheer, and the Hometown hero is Rene Dupree’
“LAME!” – Hernandez
EUGENE vs. RENE DUPREE
I can’t wait til the Christie Invitational
Collar elbow to start, in runs Kurt Angle to finish this match! He tosses out Rene, and he might actually have hurt his knee. Kurt then hits Eugene with a European Uppercut – and a vicious angleslam! Sold like a champ!
“Thanks for the points Kurt!” – Hernandez
“Can he spit anymore?!” – Eric
Kurt screams at the Canadians.. screams about Hogan.. screams at Eugene, and promises to make him cry.
Flashback to last week with Jericho and that random ref.
“I see Cena losing tonight” – Bill
“No! You can’t see him!” – Dani
COMMERCIAL (That’s 3 commercial breaks by 9:30..)
“I don’t think Shawn was supposed to run that long” – Hernandez
“Or, the 10 hour is going to destroy us…” – Me
We come back to their Divas.. not OUR Divas… but THEIR Divas. Which one is getting tossed first? It’s Elizabeth… leaving us.
“Lex Luger was calling her.” – Hernandez
We get a LONG video package on Matt & Lita’s relationship. You know the story.
We come back to Bischoff praising how great Summerslam is going to be. He then goes on to praise Jericho and Carlito. They discuss the plan for tonight, so to make Cena to be booed – all three men will be introduced as Canadians. Carlito steals the bit by giving us some Canadian, “…thass cool, eh?”
COMMERCIAL (#4 by 9:45)
So here comes, at 9:50, the Canadian combo of Chris Jericho & Canadian Carribean Cool. Their opponent.. of course, the champ is HERE!
“All we’re gonna see is a belt floating down to the ring.” – Hernandez
JERICHO & CARLITO vs. JOHN CENA
Gratuitous Cheating Match!
The match starts with Carlito versus Cena. They lock up, and a headlock from Cena brings down Carlito. They fight back up and elbows to the gut send Cena to the rope. He shoulder checksw CCC down, then headbutts Carlito a few times. Some kicks to the gut, and Cena turns around as Jericho’s about to attack him from the back – Carlito takes advantage.
CCC tosses him to the ropes, but Cena hits the shoulder check. He goes after Jericho, bringing him in the ring, then clotheslines him out. He then throws out Carlito!
COMMERCIAL (#5 by 9:54)
Back in and Jericho is topping Cena. We come back with a stiff sliding dropkick to Cena’s face. Apparently during the break, Cena went after Bischoff.
So while we were watching the flashback, Jericho beat the hell out Cena some more, with some cheating. Jericho rubs his boot over John’s face and tags in Carlito. Carlito comes in and just stomps him out, goes for a suplex – blocked.
Carlito tags in Jericho, and Chris tosses him to the 2nd rope, big knee to the back of Cena’s head. Cena starts to fight back, and we go punch for punch. Chop for chop. Jericho comes out on top with a rake to the eyes. Jericho drags Cena to Carlito, who gets the tag and then kicks Cena while holding the rope.
“He can’t understand you – say it in Spanish!” – Hernandez
“NO! He’s Canadian.. say it in French!” – Me
Carlito gets a neckbreaker and gets a two count. Headlock from CCC, of course – fought out by Cena, he charges Carlito, but eats a spinebuster for 2! Carlito tags in Jericho. Chris climbs to the top and hits the missle dropkick, while outside Bischoff waves the Canadian flag proudly.
Jericho goes and chokes Cena against the ropes for a few 4 counts… Carlito cheats a bit while Jericho distracts the ref. As Jericho pulls him up, Cena comes out of nowhere with punches! Jericho comes back though and gets the upperhand easily. Tag to Carlito, and we announce that this match has gone on way too long.
Carlito hits his Carribean DDT for 2. Some more stomping and a tag to Jericho. Fists to Cena’s head, and OF COURSE Cena fights back.. but the enzuguri takes down Cena. He drops him down for the Walls, but Cena holds on and pushes Chris into Carlito.. thus making a tag, but Carlito is out of the ring.
Finally it gets cleared out as Cena clears ring, leaving John in with Carlito, the standard John spots – as he’s going for the knuckle shuffle – in comes Jericho. Jericho gets set into the FU – Carlito stops it as Jericho falls out of the ring. FU to Carlito – the end.
WINNER, FINALLY: JOHN CENA!
As John gets up, he gets ==PWANG’D!== by Jericho with a steel chair, and Cena’s got a knot above his left eye… ouch!
“I just got an idea for a new album… homie” – Hernandez
“Yeah, it’s called ‘Hulkamaniac in Heaven'” – Me
“I think they can see him now” – Dani
“Yeah, he lost his Cloak of Invisibility.” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL (#6 at 10:08)
…hey… we’re back for the divas…
“Why aren’t they showing this at Summerslam?” – Hernandez
“Because I’d rather not care for free.” – Me
“But at least that’s a given smokebreak for you.” – Hernandez
“Point.” – Me
“Cue Trish in… 5….4….3….” – Me
Nope.. ok, so after they choose the champ. The winner is going to be on the Titantron. And it is………
“OH MY HAWK JUMPED! HAWK JUMPED! OH MY GOD!” – Hernandez
“HOLY SHIT! LINE OF THE NIGHT!” – Me
ASHLEY! I called it at week one. Whatever. They give her a huge check and a microphone.
“Take the check back NOW!” – Dani
On the close-ups, it looks like she has a herpie. I think I want to take back my vote.
“Doesn’t that make it more sexy?” – Dani
“You make a strong argument.” – Me
COMMERCIAL (#7 at 10:19)
Okay, here comes Edge and Lita.. and I have to say, this is the sexiest Lita has looked in a long time.
“She looks amazing!” – Me
“She does look tasty.” – Dani
“You know what looks good on her?” – Bill
“My face?” – Me
“HEY!” – Dani
His opponent… Val! Nice!
EDGE w/ Sexy Evil Lita vs. VAL VENIS
Val is looking ripped!
Bell rings without a little sexy speech, and Edge charges in with stomps down to Val, sending him into the corner. Edge turns around for a moment, faces back to Val and eats two HUGE clotheslines. Some hard chops, and a leading irish whip right into a few high knees.
Val gives Edge the big wiggle and then stiff fists to his face. Edge bails, and off goes Val after him with some MORE strong chops. Val is going to charge Edge to the ring, but it’s reversed, sending Val into the ring apron.
Edge tosses Val back in, and goes for some standard offense. Edge with a big suplex, and we stop paying attention for a moment as the chant is uber-loud and unintelligible.. OH! It was in French!
“WE GIVE UU-UPP!” – Me
We come back to watch Val crack Edge in the stomach with a knee, and as Val turns to follow up he gets the Edge, who finishes with the Edge’r’Four (A standing modified figure four) and Val finally taps out.
WINNER: EDGE w/ Executively Hot Lita
In the back, Super-Stacy is checking her hair as Rob Conway takes the mirror from her. Hurricane will be facing Rob Conway next…
COMMERCIAL (#8 at 10:33)
Now coming down is Rob ‘Heatless’ Conway… and I still like his music. It kinda sounds like it was writte by Randy Newman. His opponent, of course – Hurricane.
ROB CONWAY & HURRICANE w/ Stacy
Another heatless match!?!
“What is that Stacy is wearing, a short skirt or a wide belt?” – Lawler
Bell rings, and they lock up. Conway getting the immediate top as he beats down Hurricane, and the crowd chants ‘Y M C A’. He pulls Hurricane into a chinlock. They fight up, and Conway tosses Hurricane into the ropes, cradle from Hurricane gets two.
Conway picks him up and hurls him into the corner. A sloppy knee sends Hurricane out though. Conway follows, and vivisects Helms against the barricade. He brings him back and a beautiful swinging neckbreaker gets another 2 count. A reverse chinlock and then Conway sends Helms into the corner – as Conway charges, he eats a slap, but gets the upperhand RIGHT back.
Until of course Hurricane hits him wiht an out of nowhere hiptoss, dropkick, and back bodydrop. Helms could TOTALLY do better than this.. he misses with the shining wizard, Conway hits the Ego Trip – followed by a big elbow and that’s the end of it.
WINNER: ROB CONWAY
COMMERCIAL (#9 at 10:44)
They go through the Summerslam roster.
“Oh, Eddie versus Rey in a Custody on a Poll Match!” – Hernandez
“You know, I feel bad for Benoit.” – Eric
“Why?” – Hernandez
“Because he doesn’t have any teeth!” – Bill
It’s now time for our main event.. here comes America’s Hero..
KURT ANGLE!
(COMMERCIAL #10 at 10:51)
His opponent.. our Hollywood Hero… BRET HA.. nah, I can’t even do that to you.
HULK HOGAN!
HOGAN vs. ANGLE
Two bald men.
Hogan preens and pimps out until 10:58 roughly. We are keeping tonights minutes only because there were a lot of commercial breaks early in the show.
Angle charges in, and the match starts as Hogan catches him, and dresses him up in the glasses and doo-rag – a haymaker sends Kurt to the outside. Hogan sends Angle into the turnbuckle, rolls in, then back out. Hulk slams Kurt down to the steps, and continues to beat him on the outside.
Hogan rolls in and out, and finally brings Angle back in, but Kurt drops the elbow on Hulk. Stomps and then a headslam to the turnbuckle. Kurt follows up with some European uppercuts and shoulderblocks right into the turnbuckle. Angle hits a conservative belly to back on Hogan, cradling him comfortably. Angle goes right into choking him against the middle rope.
Big forearm shots to Hogan’s back and a snapmare into a chinlock. It’s time for some Hulk-Up. They count Hulk out from the chinlock and there is the finger! Here it comes!
Hulk fights up. Elbow. Elbow. Sleeperhold. Angle reverses it into another belly to back and gets a 2 count. Angle sizes him up, setting up for the Angle slam. HE HIT IT! ANGLE HITS THE ANGLE SLAM! Hogan kicks out and NOW we get the Hulk up!
Shakes the finger. Big fists.
“You can’t be serious” – Coach
Big Boot. Crowd preening.
Hits the rope. Flying crossbody from Shawn Michaels. The bell.
Shawn tunes up the Choir. J E S U S C H R I S T ! ! ! He runs up to Hogan, and spins Hogan into the Sharpshooter!!!!!! NICE!
And THAT is in fact how we end the show.
“You think Bret is getting the dark match ending?” – Hernandez
“Bastards…” – Me
So, what did the Rabble think of the show?
“Sadly, a little let down.. no Trish.. no Bret” – Hernandez
“The Yankees win!” – Laura
“Moo. Hyped at the middle, hyped at the end.” – Eric
“And I have to say, not the greatest lead up to Summerslam. No Matt appearance, but the teasing was vicious.” – Me
Okay, get to the forums to vote for YOUR Rabble Diva, the finals begins NEXT WEEK!
 | I know I might not be as old or have as nice of breasts as the others, but I can throw a sexy party like you wouldn’t believe. I know what you’re sayin, “What does a baby know about sexy parties?”
I can see it all now – Hot babes, cool music, pirates and ninjas together in peace. I have to say, I think we’ld have a rockin’ good time. So vote for me, Connor Walker, for YOUR first ever Rabble Diva! |
| possess a keen intellect, sense of humour, and open mind. It seems unfair to dismiss me just because I’m female, and to assume that I am a ball-breaking matriarch. I’m sure we’d all rather squeeze I balls gently for a man’s pleasure than rip them off and eat them for his hideous crime of ogling my tits. Wouldn’t you? | |
| first I’d like to thank all those you have gotten me this far in the Diva Contest. I’ve been a wrestling fan on and off for most of my life. From the early days of Tito Santana and the George the Animal Steel, then Hulk Hogan and Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts, then another break and most recently WM 19 up thru today. I just think its cool to find others that are into it too.. Not exactly a mass ploy for your votes but I do think you guys are awesome to bring me this far… THANK YOU… WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! | |
| -Fact: Babies are one small step above untamed monkeys. -Fact: Women are the soulless minions of the devil. -Fact: Babies are selfish. They force others to do their bidding by putting on an act of weakness. Don’t buy it! -Fact: Boobs caused World War I. There is only one candidate truly worthy of being your Rabble | |
