This is late enough to warrant me doing some Raw coverage so let’s just get on with my opinions on life in wrestling…on with the show…
First let me go back to Raw last week. I didn’t watch it because I was too busy watching the Yankees blow the season. Fortunately, watching my favorite team die was apparently better than Raw. Now the big news coming out of Raw was not the wrestling of course, it involved an announcer and the family that runs the business. Fantastic. Let’s see…
– Vince comes out to fire someone.
– Doesn’t fire Steve Austin.
– Doesn’t fire Coach. (Scherer: DARN IT!)
– Doesn’t fire King.
– Won’t fire JR but makes him apologize to the whole family.
– Linda comes out, turns heel, fires JR and nut shots him.
– JR has to go for surgery for his colon. Apparently the nut shot ruptured his intestines and if you’re going to have to go in and fix that, might as well go in through the ass, it’s the wrestling way! Sylvain Grenier is pushing for a return to Raw…
Now let me state my opinion for the record: The way JR was booted, if it isn’t a work, is disgusting. But it shows WWE’s problems as well. What did this whole thing do for the company? Answer: NOTHING…
A) 4 non-wrestlers in the ring
B) One non-wrestler turns heel
C) One non-wrestler gets fired
D) No matches are set up
E) No wrestler gets pushed
This is the simple formula, ESPECIALLY point E, which WWE has been following for years now. Well, they certainly put the E in entertainment.
Aside from the fact that Stephanie smacks people and proclaims the bitch is back. Now, I said I’d still hit that, but it’s a tad ridiculous that it took ONE WEEK for her to take up way too much time on the microphone.
– WWE announces a “Junior” Division. This is code for midget, but with normal fingers, not the fat little sausage ones. This made me think of something: Remember when Vince brought in the nWo and told everyone he was going to destroy his own creation? Yeah, he’s still working on it, but he’s getting there nonetheless.
Wrestlemania 22 sold out in TWO MINUTES! Yeah, just a little note to everyone that believes this: A slew of tickets were sold the day before in the presale, that’s one of WWE’s tricks. The other is that it’s impossible for the tickets to sell out that fast because Ticketmaster can’t keep up with it and it would shut the system down. Either that or you would get a message saying your wait time is 2 decades. Congrats to WWE for selling all those tickets to foreigners who don’t know any better. Speaking of that, you can blame all terrorism in the US on Wrestlemania. I kid I kid…
A bunch of Smackdown guys were fined for showing up late to the arena for a show. Who was the mastermind behind this great idea? No, Bill Watts is not here folks. It’s Johnny Ace! He rolled into the dressing room on his skateboard and let those tardy bastards have it! You go, Head of Talent Relations But Not Too Talented in Finding Talent Man!
CATFIGHT! Melina had some nasty things to say about Micki James/Alexis Laree recently. Her little ditty went something like this:
“I know that there’s going to be people who don’t understand. I’m sorry… I can’t help the way I feel about HER (I Hope you know who HER is). I tried my best to get along with the girl. It’s just not meant to be. I don’t know if you’ve seen America’s Next Top Model and how cady girls can be on that show… well, welcome to my world with HER. She hated me from the day I I showed up to Louisville. She made sure my life there wasn’t great. You WOULD think it was a new person thing, but when new people came around, I was still the one who got her crap. But you know, as she tried to break me…. I just got stronger and tried harder. Our work got us on tv and She hated that I was on tv first.
She hated that I got any attention at all. You know…. I don’t consider myself pretty. Not at all. Not like the other girls. And I am cool with that. Like I have said before, looks come and go but the way I am, the way i treat people and the things I accomplish in life… that can never be taken away from me. I can die right now knowing how I touched peoples lives…. I know that I did things on my terms. I never took off my clothes, kissed ass or slept with anyone to get my spot. I worked hard. I’m not perfect but I give the people my all.
Which brings up something else. Do you think I am in wrestling to be on tv? I’m a shy person. I’m not very social. I love living my life surrounding myself with people who love me and care about me. But here I opened a door where people treat me like crap because they are jealous and scared… But you know what? I love wrestling very much. I feel like I’m perfect for it. And I’m just going to get better with time. When I worked as Kyra I had little girls come up to me and they loved me. That really meant the world. I want to be a strong woman that other women look up to… if you notice, heal woman are normally slutty, my character isn’t. So I try.
SOME PEOPLE are willing to do anything to be on tv. They would do porn, sleep around, and do absolutely ANYTHING to be there even be very ugly to people.
I could care less about what SHE does but she made it a point everyday to purposely hurt me. To go out of her way to say things. To steal moves that I have and use it on ovw tv knowing that my character can’t wrestle but hers can… by spreading rumors about me. By talking behind my back to people…. OMG! I thought I was done with all that in high school! Why would a person go to all that trouble? Wouldn’t it be easier to just do your job and be happy with your life? Of course I’m not going to think fondly of her. Not only was she not so cool with me but she treats my best friend the way and she BADLY hurt someone I love repeatedly knowing what she was doing.
I was so happy to go to Smackdown. To not have to deal with the high school drama. I thought her fixation on me would die but she continues to ATTEMPT to dress like me. She would even try say certain phrases I would say. She would try to do my entrance in class everyday. And the weirdest thing is that no one said anything about it.
She went to Smackdown this week and everyone was commenting on how she had her hair like me and was dressing like me. Even had a jacket like mine. She debut with boots that I have. I hate dealing with this. I just want to have fun in wrestling. Some one brought up that if she was supposed to be Trish’s crazed fan… why didn’t she dress like Trish. I had people backstage saying she was my lunatic fan.
On that subject, If you ever watched OVW and followed it, you would see that she used to wear regular wrestling gear before I got there.Then it all changed when I debut on OVW.
I’ve always been kinda different. I like to create things and be original. But it’s not cool to copy ya know?
You guys, I know she is a decent wrestler. Her knowledge of stuff is more impressive than her ability. She always hated me because I can top her athletically but I just don’t have the years of knowledge. I was impressed with her when I first got to Louisville but she got fatter and lazier as time went by. It’s a shame. And while the other girls would work hard and bump their asses off she would conveniently go to the bathroom. I worked injured a lot. Jillian did too. It’s because it sucks to not be able to wrestle. We couldn’t just watch. But SHE would have an “injury” (sometimes similar to mine) but would use it as an excuse to get out of training. I have no respect for that.
When I went to OVW my goal was to get better at wrestling while I was there. I wanted to learn faster. I wanted to have dramatic improvement from when I first got to OVW to when I got to the WWE. I am proud that I did that. As for her…. she didn’t improve. She actually got worse. It’s sad how she goes through the motions when the art in wrestling is feeling it. And for me She isn’t believable. She wrestled great with Jillian because Jillian would cover up al her mistakes and Jillian is strong enough to base her heaviness for moves. She has no hops. But I’m happy for what I accomplished there.
I can’t wait to wrestle Especially with Jillian. Bubba Dudley told us our matches were like Trish and Lita. We were believable. I can’t wait to have matches with her. It kills me to not wrestle. But I WANT to manage. Why go down in history like every other female wrestler. I want to do it all. And if you think being a manager is easy, it’s not. That’s why there isn’t many out there. I am a part of my guys match. I have to know where everyone is at all times, to be aware of absolutely everything, I’m directing guys to where the cameras are (my extra tid bit) and I have to know the rules. The newer girls just stand there. Which job is easier? It kills me to hear people say I don’t do anything or that my job is easy. You have no idea. As a manager I am a part of wrestling and I have learned a lot. YES, I want to wrestle but if managing is a way to be apart of it, I AM SO going to do that. I want to be a part of it anyway shape or form.
Back To ….HER. She is just not cool. But I can understand you want to see people who know how to wrestle on tv… I wish I can hire girls who are cool, are athletic, and are great entertainers but It’s not my job. I also understand that you just want to enjoy the show not knowing anything else that would alter your enjoyment of the show. SO, I’m going to save the rest for when I write my book. I hope my book will inspire people to keep going when people hold you back…. that even when people steal your ideas, come up with new ones…. don’t let them ever hold you down.
As for her career. Congratulations is all I can say even though I don’t care.
Aside from the fact that Melina looks good a whole lot of the time but looks like a cracked out Dominican hooker from the Bronx the other times (Seriously, hold up 10 pictures of her and take a look.), it isn’t too smart for her to mouth off on the internet while under contract. You save that for when you get fired, you don’t blow it all and then get fired because of it. If you get fired and it’s powerful enough stuff, you’ll get rehired, ask Hardy. However, if you were to comment, comment where only a few people can find you…it works better that way…
Speaking of the Angelic Diablo, last week I said he would return to Raw with the AD character. Now all of you can send the emails here and tell me I’m a jackass because he’s going to Smackdown and will debut on The Peep Show this week.
This is actually really funny because his new girlfriend, Ashley, is a Raw Diva. I’ve got ten bucks on Edge getting a 3-way just to mess with Hardy’s head.
Additionally, Hardy recently said that the internet was a fickle group and blah blah blah I will not die blah blah…Matt, remember one thing: WE GOT YOU YOUR JOB BACK. It wasn’t all the hard work you put it. It wasn’t all the crying you did. It was us getting behind you and your story. We got you that job and you have f*cked it up since you got back. Your “5 chapter” story with Edge was like a crappy pamphlet that you lost. Everything WE gave you, you f*cked up. So yes we’re going to sit there and bitch because we expected greatness and you let us down.
Lesson for all your superstars reading this column…and I know who you are by the way and thanks for reading…don’t mess with the internet. You have 3 options in this business: McMahon, Jarrett, IWC. Choose wisely. By the way, wisely is this: McMahon first. When he fires you go for IWC. When they get you a job with TNA, go to TNA. When you realize jobbing to Jarrett is a shitty career move, come back to the IWC and we’ll figure out how to get you back up north. If you’re female, it won’t be worth it because all we’ll try to do is sleep with you while promising that you’ll be the star of our new promotion. That new promotion comes out every November when we get our hands on “Create-A-PPV” mode on PS2.
Raw is coming on now, so I guess we’ll just take this thing right through the show…consider this my 1 man version of Hatton’s Rabble, since he ain’t here this week…
– Opening package with JR getting fired – Am I allowed to say the show sucks already?
– Show opens and it’s Vinnie Mac! How 1998! Vince pimps Taboo Tuesday, which, by the way, is a bullshit PPV. He comments how the fans had no power last week while JR got fired…ok. He brings up that Austin might be on his way to the arena tonight…in Sacramento…I’m calling for THE ROCK…
– Vince gives a video package of JR that just completely mocks him, so you might be able to say this is a work at this point. My take is that Austin comes to the rescue; Hogan aligns himself with the McMahon’s, turning heel to set up Wrestlemania. nMo = new McMahon order
– New lead announcer is…The Coach…in a cowboy hat…beware Scherer…
– As Coach walks to the table to give his speech the camera accidentally gets a NICE SHOT of a whole bunch of empty seats. Top notch work guys.
– Angle meets up with Vince in the back and asks about the number 1 contender status. The Hurricane comes in…late on the sound effect, which Vince mentions…tech team is TOP NOTCH tonight. McMahon sicks Angle on Hurricane and he gets a Hurribeating. Angle beats him down to the ring and Hurricane fights back with a missile dropkick. Angle turns a shining wizard into the Anglelock and Hurricane taps until the refs run down to break it up. Where’s Rosey? Fat bastard…
– Foley will be on the Cabana tonight.
COMMERCIALS!
– For the record, Kate Hudson is hot.
– Lawler takes his seat…shouldn’t they have done that 20 minutes ago?
– McMahon with Bischoff, talking about Taboo Tuesday. He wants Eric to give them choices they have never experienced before. Main event will be a Triple Threat between Angle, Cena and a person the fans choose out of HBK, Big Show and Edge. Additionally, the winner will also get to choose from the winner of an 18-man battle royal tonight…wow…innovative. By the way, I think Ultimate X is soon…
– Edge vs. Big Show – Taboo Tuesday Qualifying match: So I guess they don’t get to choose between the three and the winner of the battle royal? Now I shouldn’t have to be confused by wrestling. I probably heard it wrong. Either way they are setting it up for Michaels to be the third man so him and Angle can cover Cena’s deficiencies. Big Show whoops ass as we head to…
COMMERCIALS!
– AND WE’RE BACK! Big Show still in control and does the “SSSHHHH” Slap…twice…Edge makes a comeback by sending Show into the steps and they head back in for some fun. Edge works the arm, which is really boring…SHOW ME FLIPPY FLOPPY! I’d let Lita hit me with a moonsault. More boredom and…JBL? Huh…JBL’s music plays, distracting Edge and Show with the chokeslam for the win…odd…
COMMERCIALS! Cabana next!
– Video package of fans waiting on line, including one loser who saved money for a FLIGHT to Chicago to WAIT ON LINE. Become a net writer, bitch, we get comped tickets…did I just give a secret away?
– AND WE’RE BACK!
– Edge in the back bitching to Bischoff about JBL’s music. Eric puts it on Edge to do something about it. Edge is heading to Smackdown to screw all the women before Hardy can! YES! This man is a FACE folks!
– Cabana and Carlito is ready to beat Shawn Michaels tonight to qualify for Taboo Tuesday. Carlito makes fun of JR and OUT COMES FOLEY! Foley makes fun of Carlito’s hair. Foley is pissed about JR getting fired. He gets pissed at Linda and Linda CUTS in via TRON…She states that her kick had nothing to do with JR’s condition so he better not try to sue. She thanks him for his service to the company and tells Mick “Have a nice day.” Fans chant, “That’s not cool”. Carlito calls JR a fat, out of shape, unemployed loser and tells Foley he is the same. He calls Foley uncool and Foley tells him that he is, in fact, not cool. Mick makes sure Carlito know he’s a horse’s ass. Carlito grabs an apple and Foley cuts him off. He tells him that he shouldn’t worry about eating produce; he should worry about producing against Shawn Michaels tonight. Foley leaves…wait, why was he there again?
COMMERCIALS
– AND WE’RE BACK! HBK to the ring and I have to go potty! I hold it as they fight on the ramp/walkway…is it a Supershow tonight? If so, send Smackdown spoilers to me. Carlito in control for most of the match, Shawn takes over and I can’t hold it in anymore…
– AND I’M BACK…Carlito in control now…no wait Shawn is…gosh that bathroom break took something out of me. HBK with the elbow and he tunes up the band! Carlito counters to a rollup. Anyone ever notice that when HBK tunes it up it always gets countered? Just saying…Ref bumped…Carlito with a chair and he gets Sweet Chair Music to the face via Michaels counter. HBK wins! Obvious setup for the PPV where fans have “COMPLETE” control!
– 10 bucks says Triple H wins the Battle Royal tonight…”Hey Dad, I think it would be great if me and Ric fought to unify the IC Title and World Title!”
– Flair is out meeting with HBK! They shake and Flair heads to the ring as we go to….
COMMERCIALS!
– AND WE’RE BACK! Flair in mid sentence saying that Triple H decided it was time for him to retire. Flair is apparently still bleeding from 2 weeks ago by the way. Triple H lit a fire under Flair’s ass, in case you didn’t know. By the way, Kane will be back tonight, so new fires may be lit. Flair has a drive to succeed that he hasn’t had in fifteen years. I was 8 when he had that passion. “They consider you the man! I question that call right now.” Didn’t Patterson get fired for that? He brings up the plane crash and we are now officially getting a history of Flair. He killed someone with an umbrella once. Didn’t see that on the DVD. He isn’t afraid of Triple H. Flair rips his band-aid off and bleeds like a motherf*cker. That’s a band-aid blade job folks! Flair wants Triple H to come out…NOW! HHH come out with a microphone and is too much of a wimp to get in the ring…but he was booked like that so it’s ok. By the way, Flair is the IC Champion…and he’s got a baseball bat! He goes off chasing HHH with the bat! Backstage and Flair chucks the bat and pushes the cameraman off as we go to…
COMMERCIALS!
– AND WE’RE BACK! Maria is with Carlito and he rips the microphone out of her hand. Poor lady! Cutie too! Carlito challenges Foley to Taboo Tuesday…
– VICTORIA is in the ring with the Torrie and Candace! 6-woman tag! GIGGLE GIGGLE, it’s Trish time! With Ashley and Melina….sorry…Micki! Micki is hot! Trish starts off with my boo. (Side note: If you just started reading this column…errr…masterpiece, Victoria is my boo. However, I would go for any of the women in the ring, probably some in the crowd, some tech people backsta….nevermind…) Awesome Chickscissors and tags in Micki. Micki with a flying body press on Vicky and she takes out the other two. Victoria smacks the bitch down with a backbreaker and takes control. Micki with a Chickscissors. She goes back after Vicky and Vicky rolls her up for the win! Micki feels bad, wants approval so she hits Vicky with Stratusfaction…to the deafening silence of the crowd. Seriously…dead silent…Trish does her damndest to sell it as being an odd reaction to a loss, but the crowd does the job for her. This reminds me of MSG where Trish tried to turn everything on her w/Lita, but it just didn’t work out that way. Micki’s talented though.
– STONE COLD IS HERE! DRIVING RIGHT INTO THE ARENA! UP TO THE RING! It’s the OLD STONE COLD!
COMMERCIALS!
– AND WE’RE BACK! Austin is gonna try hard to maintain his composure to get his message across. He’s been with WWE for 10 years. Good times, bad times, never backed down from anyone. He’s only had one friend through it all and that’s JR. What he saw was unacceptable and bullshit (he didn’t say it but he got close). He calls out Vince. He has 48 beers and he can be here all night…out comes Steph. She looks great! Damn, HHH stole her cheeseburgers. He talks about how Steph said she had the biggest balls in the company, so he wonders if he has to stun his first transvestite. Austin and Steph argue back and forth about why JR got fired. HAHHAHA YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS PROMO I CAN’T RECAP IT. More about Steph’s balls! Coach cuts in and tells Austin to leave and not touch Stephanie. MORE HILARITY! HAHAHAHA. This sets up a match between Austin and Coach for Taboo Tuesday with JR’s job on the line…with Steph adding that if Austin loses he’s fired…wait…I think I’ve seen this before. My take is that Hogan runs in and gets Austin fired, setting up Wrestlemania.
Austin goes to the announce booth and confronts Coach. Coach: “You don’t want none of me!” Austin rips him apart verbally, crushes his glasses, and rips his shirt off. Austin pours some beer into the hat and puts it on Coach. “There’s a war machine rollin’ into town, and his name is Stone Cold Steve Austin. And that’s the bottom line, ’cause Stone Cold said so.” AWESOMENESS from Austin, a tad long but it was damn good.
COMMERCIALS!
– AND WE’RE BACK! Bischoff coming out to talk about Taboo Tuesday. Voting begins next Monday and the fans can vote on HHH vs. Flair and Foley vs. Carlito. Next up is the 18 man Battle Royal! Cena is in to do commentary. Bischoff introduces KANE!
– Carlito botches the jump on the chokeslam and gets tossed. Viscera out via Kane…
COMMERCIALS!
– AND WE’RE BACK! Snitsky out…Cena rags on the Coach. Cena gives it away that Kane is going to win, with Coach correcting him. Rosey out. Eugene out and he pulls Conway out from the floor. Cade and Murdoch gone. Benjamin skins the cat and then Kane tosses him. Venis out. Somebody tells the ref they gotta go home, that’s the only way to explain it. Kane and Masters the last two. Masters with The Masterlock..almost. Kane back body drops Masters out to win! Good job Cena! (It was predictable either way, in his defense.)
END OF SHOW!
FINAL THOUGHTS: Not too bad of a show. Every segment seemed to build to Taboo Tuesday, which I won’t buy because I’m broke, but regardless it was a nice show.
As for me, I’m done. Go watch The Rock’s preview of Doom and then watch The Scorpion King. Adios!
