SLAYER’S SPORTS AND STUFF!
Take a look what’s written on the chalkboard..that’s creepy. Anyway, Hi Everybody! Welcome to another edition of Slayer’s College Football and Stuff! Today we’re gonna do something different. The difference is I am writing this column while I am “drunk.” No, no, no. I’m not drunk. I’m “drunk.” For those of you who understand me, by all means please join me. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, ignorance is bliss my young fellows. Oh, before I move on. I do wanna say the GAME OF THE WEEK IS THURSDAY NIGHT. FOR MOST OF YOU THAT’S TONIGHT! FOR SOME OF YOU THAT’S LAST NIGHT! OK! I CAN STOP TYPING IN CAPS NOW BUT MY PINKY IS SO COMFORTABLE ON THE SHIFT BUTTON AND DOESN”T WANNA COME OFF> OK THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS SO I”LL STOP. Ok, let’s get to it. But first, this “drink” is for world peace. This “drink” is for the Mistress. And this “drink” is for the homies back on Prospect.
BUT, FIRST!
It’s the question being asked everywhere! Where the hell was Slayer on the greatest weekend of college football EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The answer is….
You don’t wanna know.
Trust me
But if you really really wanna know, I put it at the bottom go this column.
Let’s do Links.
LINKS OF THE WEEK
That almost rhymes.
Hmmm
What if we said
LINKS OF THE WINKS
No
That makes no sense. How about…
LEEKS OF THE WEEKS
Hmm…
Sounds like Chinese Noodle Soup or something.
How about…
LEENKS OF THE WEENKS
There we go!
Patrck N is undoubetly the flagship column here. But dam, he just raised the bar even more by writing the greatest IP Sports column EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr. Rogers does this really cool stockmarket thing with fantasy players. Like really cool! Plus he tells us why the Rams will throw Martz off the ship while on his deathbed…
Monday Morning Pancakes is quite possibly the greatest post-weekend NFL column column EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s not a hyerbole. I just think it might be, which is why I said possibly.
I would link Eugene’s World Series Preview..but…you know…it’s over. CONGRATS WHITE SOX!
SCORES OF THE WEEK!
Eh, don’t feel like doing this. And you all know what happened by now. Fuck it.
Ok, I’ll do one.
BALDWIN-WALLACE 23
MT. UNION (OH) 10
The Mt. Union Purple Raiders lost their first regular season since nineteenf*ckingfour!!!! Thus, ending a hundredandf*ckingten game regular season winning streak which included sixf*ckingchampionships. Wow! So, for Mt. Union who accomplished such an amazing feat, this “drink” is for you.
AND THEN THERE WERE 6…
Let’s do them in the order of their BCS RANKINGS
#1: TEXAS
Death List: Lafayette, Ohio St., Rice, Missouri, Oklahoma, Colorado, Texas Tech
Well, after they basically burned alive what ever pride the Red Raiders had (and deservedly so with their insulting NCS schedule), Texas is #1…for now. Actually, I agree with the computers with this one. The truth is using this season alone, Texas’ death list is slightly more impressive then Southern Cal’s. But you know, these things work themselves out..but sometimes they don’t….
#2 SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
Death List: Hawaii, Arkansas, Oregon, Arizona St., Arizona, Notre Dame, Washington
USC is #2, OMGDRAMAandanimalsex. (see Patrick’s column). Listen, look at the death lists. It’s all there. And I am saying this as someone who has continuously sold on USC as I think they may be the greatest College Football dynasty EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I’ve been on the Longhorn’s ass all year. So if I can concede, so can you.
#3: VIRGINIA TECH
Death List: N.C. St., Duke, Ohio, Georgia Tech, West Virginia, Marshall, Maryland
Well, after an easy couple of months, the Hokies get challenged for the next three weeks: Boston, Miami, and their rival, Virginia. It’s put up time for them. If they’re still here after three weeks and so are the above two…uh oh….But that’s not gonna happen. More will fall..perhaps the Hokies?
#4: GEORGIA
Death List: Boise St., South Carolina, Monroe, Mississippi St., Tennessee, Vanderbilt, Arkansas
After a little scare, Georgia is still in it and oddly enough they are not getting a lot of attention. Anyway, this week is the Cocktail Party which usually gets more attention then it deserves, but if the Bulldogs survive this and then next week at Auburn…uh oh…
#5: ALABAMA
Death List: Middle Tennessee, Southern Miss, South Carolina, Arkansas, Florida, Mississippi, Tennessee
After winning quite possibly the most exciting 6-3 game one would ever see, Alabama is right there with the rest of them. It ain’t a fluke and it ain’t a mirage. Bama is back, baby. And thank god too, because those of us who are not prone to burning crosses and blowing up churches needed a team to hate again. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Relax
I said relax….And everyone who has read this column all year knows I called the fact Bama would be back BEFORE ANYONE. Before ESPN, Before CBS, before Sports Illustrated, and before YOU! Ok, that’s a lie. Actually, I don’t know if SI called it or not, because I don’t read SI.
#6: CALIFORINA-LOS ANGELES
Death List: San Diego St., Rice, Oklahoma, Washington, California, Washington St., Oregon St.
Well after thrashing the Beavers (BWAHAHAHAHAHA), UCLA is right there with the rest of them. It ain’t a fluke and it ain’t a mirage. The Bruins are back, baby. And thank God too, because those of us who do not base our entire lives on the most trivial and smallest things and refuse to be a plastic rubber Nazi needed a team to hate again.
I’m not kidding.
Ok…I’m wayyyyyyyyyy too “drunk” for “conference review”. They like require concentration and research and thinking. So, let’s do another a few more “drinks” and look at this week’s games.
GAME OF THE WEEK!
14) BOSTON vs. 3) VIRGINIA TECH R7:45/ESPN
That’s Thursday! Yes, Thursday! The game of the week is Thursday! The World Series is over, watching the NHL in October is rediculous, and the game of the week is on Thursday. Virginia Tech finally gets their first of three tests. The Queen Hokie said to the Knight Hokie: “You must pass three tests. The first is Boston, the Second is Miami of Florida, and the third is Virginia. Then after that is North Carolina and the ACC Championship game gainst Flordia St. but don’t worry about that now.” Can Virginia Tech pass their first test???????????????????????
OTHER GAME OF THE WEEK!
4) GEORGIA vs. 19) FLORIDA 3:30/CBS
The Cocktail Bowl, quite possible one of the most fun rivalries in College Football. And this time, it’s really really important. Georgia needs this to get the Juice, the Alligators would HEART to spoil their season. This could be good. Or just another CBS blowout. One or the other.
MORE GAMES OF THE WEEK!
13) OHIO ST. vs. 20) MINNESOTA NOON/ABC-R
The Buckeyes are on a virtual sort of-four way tie for the Big Ten Title and cannot afford to lose another game. Minnesota is at home and coming off a bye week though. GASP!
25) MICHIGAN vs. 21) NORTHWESTERN 7:00/ESPN
Michigan won their “Double Whammy” game with Iowa and have snuck back into the Top 25. After beating Michigan St., the Wildcats make their once every three year pitstop in the Top 25. Let’s see if Northwestern can turn this season into something magical…
RANKED TEAMS ON THE NATIONAL FEED
1) TEXAS vs. OKLAHOMA ST. 7:00/TBS
Hmmmmm…the Cowboys are not as bad as their record. Not Impossible. Not likely, but not impossible.
WASHINGTON ST. vs. 2) USC 3:30/ABC-R
Hmmm..the Cougars gave UCLA some trouble (44-41) ..maybe…but not likely.
6) UCLA vs. STANFORD 6:30/FSN
Not happening.
NORTH CAROLINA vs. 7) MIAMI (FL) NOON/ESPN2
The Tar Heels have some wins against descent teams, so they could make this into a game. Plus they are both tied in the ACC ummmmm Coastal Division? Sounds like a 70s cop show.
PURDUE vs. 9) PENN ST. 3:30/ABC-R
The Boilermakers after a Top 25 ranking, have lost five games in a row and are facing bowl elimination. The Lions are still looking to kick ass since the loss to Michigan. Could be ugly.
MARYLAND vs. 10) FLORIDA ST. 3:30/ABC-R
The Terps are on of those mediocre ACC teams that’s hard to get a read on. The beat some ok teams, lose to some not so ok teams. Should just be another game for the ‘Noles. Yes, the games suck this week. I know. That’s why none of them are Games of the Week.
12) WISCONSIN vs. ILLINOIS NOON/ESPN
Ok, the Illini are doing the step back before stepping foreward thing. But they would probably still really really like a win. The Badgers though are eying the BCS…..
16) TEXAS TECH vs. BAYLOR 12:30/FSN
After getting burned alive, they get to beat up Baylor. But not so fast my friend (come on, can’t I say it once, it’s the greatest catch phrase EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) the Bears ain’t too shabby this year..they could stomp on the wound.
DESCENT TEAMS ON THE NATIONAL FEED
FRESNO ST. vs. HAWAII 7:00/ABC-W
The Bulldogs are already in the Top 25 in both polls but have yet to get love from the BCS. Win here and a couple losses up there, they could finally do it.
SOUTH CAROLINA vs. TENNESSEE 7:45/ESPN2
No, it’s not a typo.Because the Vols and Cocks have blown chunks they switched the 7:45 game to ESPN2 in order to give Michigan/Northwestern some ESPN1 love. They’ve done it before. Real slap in the face to SC and Tenn. Hahahaha!
AND ALL THE OTHER GAMES ON THE NATIONAL FEED
COLORADO ST. vs. NEW MEXICO F8:00/ESPN2
Hey, the old Rio Grande Bowl making national TV. Always a good game. Doubtful either team will catch up with TCU but this could be for second place.
OKLAHOMA vs. NEBRASKA NOON/ABC-R
Man, this game should really be around Thanksgiving since it is the Thanksgiving Showdown. Come on, Big 12 brass..that’s not cool.
IOWA ST. vs. TEXAS A&M 3:30/ABC-R
Dam, talk about two teams who blew all their expectations, then blew up any grace they had left.
CLEMSON vs. GEORGIA TECH 3:30/ESPN
Two ACC enigmas. Flip a coin. Does have potential to be an exciting fourth quarter though.
TEXAS-EL PASO vs. RICE 6:00/CSTV
Due to popular request, I will be putting the weekly CSTV games on the schedule. Thanks to everyone who let me know. I get the CSTV games on a local PAX channel, but I didn’t know they were so wide spread. My apologies. So here you go: a 5-1 team vs. a 0-6 team.
As for the hundreds of games in your area that are on Gameplan, syndication or locally produced, you’re on your own..
Have a good week and God Bless.
Special thanks goes to:
Mistress Laura for the pic
Mistress Rho for the EVER
and my main man Eddie for the…”drink”.
The reason I didn’t do a column during the greatest college football weekend in the history of mankind was because it was indeed the greatest college football weekend in the history of mankind. Therefore, in some weird sense to have me understand my priorities and place of things, she didn’t let me out.
