..which always sounded to me like..
SELF HIGH-FIVE!
..which just isn’t as cool..
We are though, here at:
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Welcome everybody to the column that is just as good if you see the show. It’s the people’s column. The column that makes you feel better about all those snide things that you’ve said about wrestling forever.
Joining us tonight are:
He met Ed Leslie – Hernandez
He likes Ric Flair – Bill
She loves Batista – Dani
I met Paul Roma once… – Me
In the middle of the ring, the entire Raw Roster are all hanging out on the outside of the ring, and AJ Styles is in the house.. Coach not looking happy… but here comes Bischoff to explain what is going to go on.
So Bischoff is here to set-up some Survivor Series matches. The first one is Triple H versus Ric Flair in a last man standing match. Also we’ll see Kurt Angle versus John Cena.
There is also going to be a ten-man Survivor Series match… so who is going to be on Raw’s team? Kane and the Big Show, with their team captain – Shawn Michaels. Who is going to be the other men…. Bischoff wants to hear from Carlito. He babbles on for a moment, but Benjamin steals the mic from him.
“SHELTON! WHERE YA BEEN!?” – Hernandez
“The Raw team needs… a brutha!” – Bill
So for one of the spots.. Shelton versus Carlito
“In a match we’ve NEVER seen before…” – Me
“Hopefully nobody will screw a spot up.” – Hernandez
Murdoch and Cade feel they got screwed at Taboo Tuesday, so they get a Hardcore tag title match. Hurricane gets a match with Rosie. And Mickie James wants everyone to applaud for Trish…. errr, even Eugene golfclaps.
Tonight’s main event though, issssss Kurt Angle and Chris Masters versus Shawn Michaels–
“Hey, I heard my name again!” – Bill
–and John Cena. Oh! Wait! He forgot something. He invites Lita and Edge into the ring. We get a flashback to Taboo Tuesday, where he bailed on his match. (And Lita wore a shiny top.) He apparently doesn’t care about Raw.. he just cares about himself.
“..What about Raven?” – Me
Bischoff tells him that there is something he should care about–
“Lita’s shirt.. you’re fired.” – Bill
He tells Edge that he should cancel his Friday night plans, as he’s going to Smackdown in a Street Fight versus Batista.
“So wait, he gets punished by getting a title match on Smackdown?” – Me
“Well he.. umm… isn’t getting paid.. so it’s.. ahh.. err.. a free match?” – Hernandez
“Got nothing?” – Me
“Nothing.” – Hernandez
So Edge gets ‘Na Na Na Na’d’ out of the ring…
COMMERCIAL
Welcome back to Raw where–
“We’ve unexplicably started a match..” – Bill
Shelton is in the ring with Carlton, which is annoying to get into typing… but it starts with some errr rope spots… Carlito is standing on the outside, and Benjy runs on the apron for a leaping neckbreaker.
They get back in the ring and as Shelton is coming in, gets a dropkick to the knee from Carlito. Sends Shelton into the corner and Carlito beats down on Benjy’s knee. Wraps himself around Shelton’s leg and only gets out of it by pulling on Carlito’s hair.
Carlito charges Shelton, but Benjy picks him up and Carlito gets huge air… Now Benjy goes on the offense, the classic backbreaker, some clotheslines – and he does his best to sell that knee just as Carlito kicks him in it.
Carlito goes for the vertical suplex, Shelton lands flat on his feet… spins him around for the belly to belly with a bridge.
“oof!” – Me
“What’s the oof for?” – Hernandez
“Came close to head hitting the mat” – Me
“THAT WAS HIS HAIR!” – Hernandez
Shelton runs to the turnbuckle to try and capitalize, but Carlito runs in, climbs to the top but gets beaten down. He gets to his feet and Shelton leaaaaaapssss. MISS!!!! Looks like Shelton might have jammed his wrist until he gets to his feet and is holding his gut.
Samoan drop out of nowhere and both are down. They get to their feet, and Carlito catches Shelton’s boot…. Shelty spins out for the kick and CARLITO MOVES!
“I not fallin’ for dat… dat’s not cool.” – Bill
Carlito goes and looks like he’s going for a half-crab, but it looks more like an Ankle lock… Shelton rolls beneath it – pin for two, as Carlito rolls on top of Shelton, grabs the ropes.. and that is that.
WINNER: CARLITO
“Didn’t we see that ending a few months ago?” – Hernandez
“Much like most of that match…” – Me
“Good to know that we didn’t even need to see that..” – Hernandez
In the back Trish and Mickie are hanging, and Trish needs to talk to her. Mickie just babbles on without letting Trish get in a word. Just like a woman.. pffft.
COMMERCIAL – Ooooo Wrestlemania Boxset
“..oh no you’re gonna want that aren’t you?” – Dani
“…yes.” – Me
MICKIE JAMES & TRISH vs. CANDICE & VICTORIA
Nobody is lecherous enough… yet…
At Taboo Tuesday, Mickie James sacrificed herself to let Trish win.
Mickie in the ring with Victoria – and collar elbow does nothing. Victoria elbows James – but Mickie gets a hurricanrana.. back to their feet.. and Victoria gets a powerslam for two.
Victoria sends Mickie James to the ropes, but Candice grabs the ropes sending her all the way to the outside.
There is a tag, and Candice locks her legs around Mickie James head and hangs on the outside – like a dirty tarantula.
“She’s not wearing underwear” – Dani
“Thanks sweetie.” – Me
Mickie TRIES to go for a tag, but Victoria keeps her away. She hits Trish flat, and that pisses off Stratus.. in she comes and goes nuts all over the ring. The faces grabbing Candice and using her as a battering ram, and use her against Victoria.
There seemed to have been some kind of Mickie James on Victoria’s shoulders spot.. but something went wrong. So Candice hands Victoria her magic wand (not VIOLET wand.. that’s totally different) – and cracks Mickie in the skull…
WINNER: CANDICE & VICTORIA
COMMERCIAL
Hey, a videopackage for Taboo Tuesday.. thank god since my compy just crashed. Note to self, don’t try and lose Photoshop while doing the Rabble.. it only leads to bad things.
“Hi Dave!”
“OOo the steel cage.. that match had blood on top of blood” – Hernandez
“…on top of meat.” – Bill
“Isn’t there a law against Flair being in that kind of match?” – Dani
In the back Show and Kane discuss their match with Murdoch and Cade. Kane goes and gives a stunning crazy speech about suffering and pain and things.
“Is Kane emo again?” – Dani
“Now Big Show should kiss him…” – Hernandez
“What’s gonna be really gay is when Show is pregnant with Kane’s baby.” – Bill
COMMERCIAL
OOooo new opening package for Gregory Helms.
HELMS vs. ROSIE
Superhero No More
Starts off with Helms slapping Rosie, but getting tossed in the corner instead. He gets clotheslined around for awhile.
“Hurricane.. much cooler – he looks like he raided Rob Conway’s wardrobe” – Dani
Rosie stays at the top of the match, big clubbing arms to Helms’ back and tossing him out and following for some more beatings. Gregory throws a leg at Rosie, it’s caught, and enzuiguiri….
Helms takes the top for a few hits, but then brings Rosie to the corner. Rosie throws him to the center of the ring.. climbs to the top
“MOONSAULT!?” – Hernandez
Helms gets to his feet, plants on the first rope and a big kick to Rosie’s nuts makes the big man fall.. THUNK.
“Nice fall!” – Me
Helms runs up, shining wizard. That is that.
WINNER: GREGORY HELMS
COMMERCIAL
If you’ve noticed, the show isn’t bad.. it just seems a bit called in. Not a lot of talking points. Sorry.
Coming down to the ring nowwww is KAAAANE! Of course, here comes the BIIIIG SHOOOoooow.
BIG SHOW & KANE vs. MURDOCH & CADE
Hardcore Tag Team Championship
Murdoch and Cade come on down with a shopping cart full of hardcore stuffs.
“Hey look, stuff they found on their yard.” – Bill
“Nah, they didn’t bring three trailers.” – Hernandez
“Or three dogs..” – Me
Match starts with Murdoch throws the garbage can at Kane. Yeah.. that worked. Show goes after Murdoch, Kane goes outside and starts going through the garbage to find something good. He grabs the kendo stick and chases after Cade.
“There are weapons – this match is STILL not exciting.” – Hernandez
Show puts a trashcan lid on Murdoch’s head – hits the ropes, and falls out the back from Cade grabbing the rope. Kane goes up top to go after Murdoch, but he leaps out the way and Cade jumps in with a trashcan lid right on Kane’s face.
Murdoch & Cade now doubleteam on Kane for awhile. Nothing amazing as the crowd unnecessarily chants ‘Big Show’. The Big Show climbs up to the top, but gets trash canned to the face. Kane gets to his feet and grabs both men for the double chokeslam. Gets kicked – but goes for the double clothesline. Murdoch ducks and walks right into Big Show…
Now the big men take it to task with the kendo stick sending out Murdoch.. and Cade takes a side suplex onto a trashcan. On the outside, Kane has beaten up Murdoch – Big Show comes out to join him.. they put the trashcan over his head and BOOOOOT!
Cade is actually crawling up the ramp. Kane grabs him and sends him headfirst into the entryway.. leaving a dent.
“Playmates My First Titantron” – Hernandez
Kane goes and clears out the announcers… the American ones.. and a chokeslam from Kane to Cade ends it.
“Joey say it!” – Hernandez
“He doesn’t have his mic on..” – Me
“He is saying it though…. (mouthing)Oh my God” – Bill
Styles tells us that the main event is coming up… and take note.. it’s 10:07!?
COMMERCIAL
We discuss the match length, and given a world where a main event generally starts at 10:50 to last 15 minutes… we have no idea what they are planning.
And this from the forum member URALOZER:
“Did they just say the main event is starting next…hour long main event? They gonna let angle and micheals wow us for 45 minutes?….I’m gonna mark out like a little girl if he wants us to start chanting One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish”
Jake Roberts DVD?! Jake Roberts doing drugs?! Jake Roberts needs the horse to wrestle… WHO KNEW?!? The Self-Destruction of Damian… coming to your Best Buy!
Here comes Kurt, and he’s in his EEEEEEEeevil Singlet.
“One Fish… Two Fish…. etc.” – Bill
Kurt grabs the mic, and states that he’s through with hearing ‘YOU SUCK!’ – so he’s going to walk and get his entrance again! We will do it over and over until we get it right!
“There’s your next 15 minutes.” – Hernandez
“One Fish… Two Fish….” – Bill
“Vader’s having a heart attack in the back, that’s why they are giving him all this time.” – Hernandez
Kurt STOPS the music as the obvious chant starts again. He’s not going to do it OVER AND OVER.. he’s going to do it ONE more time, and we better get it right!
“Somehow, this is saving the show..” – Me
“It is – I’m totally into this” – Hernandez
And for a THIRD time….. Kurt drops the music, because now the chant is outrageous. He claims that the audience is abusing the first amendment. He discusses his loss of time with his kids. He discusses his neck surgeries. He discusses the LOSS OF HIS WIFE!
“Wow Kurt – blurring the line!” – Hernandez
“I think Kurt needs a hug..” – Dani
“I think he should ask for heroin before each match..” – Hernandez
Kurt claims that he’s through… and leaves.
COMMERCIAL
In the back Kurt is packing up and heading out… Bischoff is trying to stop him – and he wants these stupid fans to stop chanting ‘you suck’. He also wants a special hand-picked ref. Bischoff said he’ll handle it…
“And I want my wife back..” – Hernandez
Hey.. and Triple H is here, apparently not in time for the main event. Trips is dressed to talk, and he’s got a new shirt. He’s also got a leather chair at the top of the ramp.
“Why do you get the big entrance, you lost!” – Hernandez
“YOO A LOOZA – HAHAHA.. YOO A LOOZA – HAHAHA” – Me
COMMERCIAL
And in the ring…. umm…. Conway? Guess he’s facing Flair?
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Yep.
“Conway can’t beat FLAIR!?” – Hernandez
“He won’t” – Me
“He beat the other legends..” – Hernandez
“Shitty legends – Conway might get some Triple-H-erference” – Me
Flair gets to the ring and makes Lillian announce that he beat Triple H at Taboo Tuesday.
“That might upset Triple H” – Lawler
“YA THINK!?” – Styles
“..greatest line of the night” – Dani
CONWAY vs. FLAIR
IC Title Match.. Wooo
Conway takes off his glasses for the match, and collar elbow, rope hit, hiptoss to Flair – standard stuff. They go for it agian, but this time, Flair stops and slaps Conway. He then turns to ‘woo’ at Triple H, which gives Conway enough time to come in and blindside him.
Reverse neckbreaker and some time to stomp the legend. Hits ANOTHER neckbreaker for a two count. He sends Flair into the corner and slaps him in the face a few times… Woos at him and takes a step back – charges in and gets a testicular claw!
Flair now back on top – gets the kneedrop – climbs the turnbuckle.. HITS THE ELBOW AGAIN! Suplex to Conway, and Flair is looking tight! He drops Con into the figure four..
“GRAB THE ROPES.. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!” – Hernandez
And now Flair watches as Triple H paces down with a chain… Flair grabs the ropes.. Conway taps… and Hunter chokes him with a fist.
They go after each other outside the ring.
“The ref goes down!” – Styles
“AND BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!” – Bill
They brawl over near the sound equipment, Flair knocking the cameraman down, and our main event is ACTUALLY up next.
COMMERCIAL
Smackdown Rebound includes an Undertaker Retrospect… including a quote right from Book of Acts. Kinda neat.
“Michaels totally prompted that one..” – Jenna
Bischoff is in the back discussing on the phone that when he says the word.. hit the censor button.. what that means.. only time will tell. Well Lita shows up.
“Just pull that left tie jussst a little” – Hernandez
Lita wants to see if there is anything she can do… bischy wishy..
“Get on your knees” – Hernandez
“Who said that, Bischoff or Lita?” – Me
So Lita takes off her top…. and Bischoff throws her out. Okay, fine, Lita wins the LECHEROUS AWARD of the evening.
And here comes Chris Masters..
“POWWWDERRREEDDD TOOOASSSTTTT MAAAAAN’ – Bill
“Hear that crowd…. nothing.” – Me
“The sounds of a bathroom break.” – Hernandez
So as Kurt comes out… we get a censor noise on everytime we should hear YOU SUCK! Awesome!
“I like the idea that Bischoff is in the back going.. NOW!” – Bill
So on the second round of the song… they do it again, and Lawler realizes that they too are being censored.
“It’s like Eugene playing wackamole with the censor button.” – Hernandez
Okay, that bit was hysterical. Here comes Shawn.
“Just for the hell of it.. hit the button again.” – Hernandez
“What is he saying?” – Bill
“Dear God… please don’t let people remember that screwjob thing” – Me
And finally….. THE CHAMP IS HEAAAAAH….
“You see, that’s the sound of someone successful, whether I like him or not” – Dani
“The Austin clone” – Hernandez
“He’s URBAN Austin” – Dani
CHRIS MASTERS & KURT ANGLE vs. SHAWN MICHAELS & JOHN CENA
Nobody likes Chris Masters… the match!
Who is our special ref?
It’s DAIVAR– I MEAN AKBAR!!!!!
Hold on..
“We’re under attack!” – Bill
Wait for it…
..
IT’S A TRAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!!!! MY FAVORITE CALL OUT IS BACK!
COMMERCIAL
Starting off with Masters wristlocking Shawn – and sending him down with a fist. Shawn gets up. Masters drops him down. This goes on a few times and Akbar gets in there.
“How do they understand him!?” – Hernandez
Masters tags in Angle, and Angle sends Michaels to the corner. Micheals gets out of it and tags in Cena.. double clothesline sends down the olympic champ.
Things go nutz for a moment there and when I look up
Suplexes for two from Cena…. okay even less… Akbar’s counting slow. Cena gets mad enough to drop Masters onto Shawn’s boot, and Akbar has words with Cena about him holding the tag rope. Masters gets the better of Micheals for a moment – tags in Kurt who misses with an elbow.
They fight on their feet to the corner… Angle pushes him in and the slooow count as Angle throws a HUGE fist to Michaels. Michaels spins him around and does the same, but gets stopped by Akbar with a fast corner count. Cena tries to run in and is denied as Kurt stomps on Michaels’ throat.
All the while Styles rips Coach a new one about his commentary in comparison to Akbar’s reffing. A tag to Masters, and Shawn is in trouble with the backbreaker, then the bearhug. He gets out of it, but the tag to Kurt and Shawn is still in all sorts of hurting.
Angle goes for the Angleslam – but an awesome reversal with a DDT..
“Joey’s building up to it.. you can hear it.” – Hernandez
Michaels FINALLY gets the tag to Cena.. he goes and drops Masters on the apron… a HUGE shouldercheck to Angle – then the spinning powerbomb. The knuckle shuffle. The FU setup.. and Masters drops Cena!
Akbar saw it… ignored it.. Angle grabs Cena’s neck for a front headlock. Now Cena’s in the corner with Masters, and Akbar stops Michaels from walking the ring apron.
“DAVAIRI NUMBER ONE RAW REFEREE” – Bill
Masters hits a vertical suplex on Cena. Tags to Angle and a solid backbreaker. Angle brings him into the chinlock, but Cena fights up to his feet…. hitting the belly to back suplex!
“Styles is now really getting into it” – Me
“Well he needed something good to talk about. A commentator can’t talk when there is no action!” – Hernandez
Cena gets the tag and Michaels gets the flying shouldercheck – clotheslines to both faces. Michaels crawls to the top, but Angle tosses in a chair. Shawn fights with Akbar. He finally charges into Masters – eats chair to the gut. Michaels steps back and steps in again to catch the chair. He tries to rip the chair from Masters and Akbar sees it… that’s your match!
Angle comes in and drops Michaels. Cena enters the ring and Akbar hits CENA with the chair.
WINNERS via DQ: KURT ANGLE & CHRIS MASTERS w/ AKBAR
That’s that. Hmm.. odd show. Felt completely forced until every thing that Angle did. That saddens me for everyone except Angle.
What did the Rabble think?
“Boring for awhile, Angle saved it.” – Bill
“Ditto.” – Hernandez
“He sucks.” – Jenna
“I got nothin'” – Dani
“Shocked that they brought Davairi back” – Laura (who was actually here)
Well see, it’s kind of official.. nothing amazing to seperate the wrestlers from Kurt Angle..
Let’s hope for some better stuff next week, until then, this is the Rabble sayin’ good night.
