Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc., 11.08.05

Any activity we conduct is within the law. We do not torture. – George W. Bush, 7 November 2005

Five U.S. soldiers from the 75th Ranger Regiment have been accused of beating detainees in Iraq, the U.S. military said Monday. – CNN, 7 November 2005

I’ve said it for five years now, Dubbaya is a lying f*ck. And you people continue not to listen to me. Oh, the Revolution will come, and I’ll put all of you f*cksticks up against the wall and put a bullet in you myself.

They’re expecting IEDs lining the streets. – CNN producer Arwa Damon, part of the buffaloed media force covering Operation Steel Curtain.

When I first read that, I swore it said “IUDs”…made me wonder for a second how much influence the Religious Reich has over the military in this country. But it does help keep up the stereotype of the Horny Marine if misread in that manner, so it can’t be that bad.

This excitement isn’t just about the fun of baseball. It’s not about the pride. It’s about the gloating, and the rubbing their noses in it. The “Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, we beat you” taunting, if you will, that comes with the winning. – the baseball announcer from Chicken Little (not bad at all, by the way; a definite improvement over the Mouse’s recent efforts)

And that will be the last word I will say about baseball until next season. That quote says it all, and we Sox fans will finally have a chance to take advantage of it for once. Nick and I have the right to be incredibly smug right now, and pardon us if we do so.

Ah, back to Tuesday. The Damn Vaninator is back in my possession after being in such need of repair that it’s been offered a position with the Philadelphia Eagles. I have an interview this morning in Topeka with a water company. I might even go apply for a position with Hertz today. That’s the sign that my unemployment’s run out and I’m desperate, especially after plowing three large into Damn Vaninator repairs over the past couple weeks. Maybe I can bum some money from Bart Bryant. After playing a nice game of “Smell My Mustache” with the rest of the field at the Tour Championship, he’s got it to spare.

(Oh, yeah, Pat, if you want me on IPSR to discuss the Golf Season In Review, mail me.)

One more thing regarding sports: Now that Peyton, Marvin, Reggie, and the boys whomped ass in Foxboro, can we shut the f*ck up about the New England Patriots, the biggest beneficiary of East Coast Bias outside of baseball (okay, so I lied above)?

Ah, but f*ck it. My life’s back to a reasonable semblance of normal, and I’ll just coast on this one after the double Short Form action last week. Besides, they’re virtually nothing out there anyway. Let’s roll…

THE PIMP SECTION

Normally I’d pimp Lucard first, like I always do, but it isn’t every day that Grut returns. But it is far more often than some people desire.

And here’s Lucard‘s pimp.

BAXLEY! reviews Civ IV, and, actually, it’s better that he review it than I. The last thing the Games staff would want to see would be me running around the office naked, frothing at the mouth, armed with a machine gun, going “TEN OUT OF TEN, MOTHERFUCKERS!”.

Here’s Hevia. And a big Fuck You to Matthew Peters.

Neeley again suffers from too much Epilepsy.

Wallace doesn’t have much to look ahead to right now. Well, that’ll change within the next couple weeks as the card for SurSer tightens up.

Shaffer reviews TNA’s Raven DVD, and finds some things lacking. Well, anyone can say that about anything with TNA.

Pomazak has his weekly NFL recap here.

Basilo again reviews shows I don’t watch.

Paul seems to be stuck in Interzone.

Hatton to Marvel, Stevens to DC. Checkmate.

GODDAMNIT, IS THERE ANYTHING?

You know, I got kinda got f*cked the last two weeks by not being able to be here. Christian quitting, the whole Wife-Beater situation, the “Is She Or Isn’t She” in regard to the Ten-Buck Tramp…yeah, news coming out of our ears. But now, totally void outside of the stuff that Hevia covered…

…okay, I can discuss one situation. According to 1bullshit Junior, Tajiri re-signed with WWE for either two or three years. A lot of people felt like he might pull a Christian and walk after his current contract was over. The truth is, though, that he did the right thing in this case. Yeah, we know, he’s been disrespected throughout his WWE tenure (just like Christian), hasn’t been given the opportunities that people believe he deserve (just like Christian), and seemingly can’t find a place due to his size (just like Christian). So why is it that he shouldn’t behave just like Christian? Well, here’s why.

First of all, where is he going to go? “He’d go to TNA, you idiot,” the Clueless Unwashed, otherwise known as My Audience, will say. And do what? “The X Division, duh,” the Clueless Unwashed say again. Uh, really? Think about this one for a second. Tajiri is very quick and agile compared to most of the WWE guys. But put him in there with someone like, oh, Sonjay Dutt or Alex Shelley, and suddenly, he’s slow. The only way you can survive and be slow in the X Division is if your name is Samoa Joe. All of Tajiri’s spots and karate kicks might make him appropriate for the Brutality Division, as I call it (you know the group; Abyss, Rhiyno, Sabu, Raven, Jeffykins, etc.), but would you take him seriously against any of those guys (with the exception of Jeffykins, of course)? Thought not. And he certainly wouldn’t fit into the main event picture over there. Frankly, we wouldn’t want him there either. All we want out of that is for Monty Brown to plow Jarrett’s cracker ass through the Earth’s crust. So, TNA is right out for him.

“Well, he can go back to Japan. Look at the pops he got when he and Regal won the tag titles over there,” the Great Unwashed say, attempting to save face after being battered by my impeccable logic. Uh, no. Tajiri is in a really bizarre situation. He’s the only Japanese wrestler who’s more famous in the United States than in Japan. NJPW might take a flyer on him for the juniors division, but that’s so chaotic right now and with so many young guys attempting to make their mark that a veteran like Tajiri would have problems fitting in. He could always go to the Gaijin Graveyard known as AJPW, of course, where he would get a good reception, but that’d be a misfit as well considering the large number of oversized Americans they’ve imported from Vince’s dumping ground recently. NOAH’s out too; Misawa doesn’t like “importing” guys, Japanese or not. So it’s one of the minor feds or nothing. No, count Japan out as well.

So, now we’re down to re-signing with WWE or going to ROH. At that point, it’s now money that’s an issue, and I think Tajiri likes his paycheck, thank you.

So, good move by Tajiri. Maybe an extension will be just the thing to actually get him back on screen, even if it’s on a computer monitor doing Heat.

So, what else is there? Oh, again according to 1bullshit Junior, Matt Striker has lots of heat in the SD locker room as a result of some rather impolitic comments he made regarding his thought that the Raw locker room was the more “professional” of the two. That pissed off the usual suspects (namely High-Quality Speaker Boy and Holly). High-Quality Speaker Boy even took it upon himself to invite Striker out for a drink (didn’t Tom Prichard once say that if you went out with him for “one drink”, don’t believe it would stop at one?). Striker said no. Considering what High-Quality Speaker Boy tends to do to the noobs, you’d have to imagine that at some point, he’d slip roofies into Striker’s beer and end the evening off with a “shower session”, so I don’t blame Striker for turning him down…

…by the way, what happens if one of the boys is given this offer and turns him down for the reason that said boy does not drink? Will High-Quality Speaker Boy consider it an offense if the guy orders soft drinks instead? Knowing him, it’s probable…

…sorry for diverting from that, but apparently the entire locker room was pissed that Striker blew off this chance to get up close and personal with High-Quality Speaker Boy, and the situation isn’t resolved. In fact, the whole situation’s pissed off the Raw locker room as well. When Striker dresses for his Heat matches, he hangs around with the local indy talent hired for the show instead of getting nekkid with the other WWE employees.

Memo To Matt Striker: as someone with a history of instability in employment, be very, very careful not to piss off the people writing your checks. Trying to find a job will be a bitch when you’ve been fired twice in a year.

That’s pretty much all there is on that front. As I said, after the excitement of the last two weeks, you knew there were going to be some dead spots. So, it’s on to the Joey Styles Show…

THE SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Carly Colon over Shelton Benjamin, Survivor Series Qualifying Match (Pinfall, rollup): Watching Carly Colon trying to use ring psychology is like trying to see one of my readers attempt to spell a three-syllable word. However, Benjy can sell with the best of them. And, you have to admit, it was nice to see him have a relatively high-profile match again. However, that pretty much seals the last SurSer as being another heel (look, after Taboo Tuesday’s eight-for-eight showing by the faces, I could picture an all-face Raw team). And I suspect that it’s going to be a semi-contrite Edge. That’s the only booking decision that now makes sense for this.

Victoria and Candice Michelle over Trish Stratus and MickeyLexis LaJames (Pinfall, Victoria pins LaJames, Greco-Roman Magic Wand): Ah, and we have our first of the night’s Welcome, Joey Styles tributes: use of a foreign object so stupid that it’s straight out of the Bingo Hall.

Novocaine Helms over His Former Pet Fat Fuck (Pinfall, Shining Wizard): Helms spent four years in that costume. I said four years ago that it was a stupid idea. Therefore, taking it off now is taking it off four years too late for me to give a shit about him. So f*ck him and his little coterie of fangirls that drool over him. Piss off to ROH where I don’t have to see you again.

Kane and The Big Show over GarriLace Cade and Trevor Murdoch, Hardcore Tag Title Match (Pinfall, Kane pins Cade, double chokeslam through the announce table): Look, guys, I appreciate your efforts to make Joey feel at home, but, really, you didn’t have to.

From the Great Minds Think Alike Department comes KC Evers (no relation): Big Show & Kane Vs Val Venis & Viscera. It’s gonna happen…dear God you know it’s gonna happen.

Ironically, I e-mailed Matt Sforcina last week and said this:

Where can the West Hollywood Rednecks go, other than back into the tag mix while they provide us with the ultimate Vince Hearts Big Guys Match by putting up TBS and Kane against Val and Vis?

So that’s where they going with this, definitely.

Ric Flair over Rob Conway, Intercontinental Title Match (Submission, Figure-Four): The one drawback to the Flair/Trip feud is the Intercontinental Title. It is a complete sideline to everything going on. It isn’t necessary to be there. Therefore, it makes me wonder exactly why Flair didn’t lose it in this match. They had everything they needed for a transition. Trip interference would make the loss acceptable to the fans, and Conway is definitely a worthy recipient. He could do something with the IC strap (like get Benjy involved again in the chase for it). They’d even have a built-in angle to go with it in regard to Conway’s legend hunt. How many of those Legends are former IC champs? They blew a chance here. What a big surprise, huh?

Kurt Angle and Gym Bunny over Shawn Michaels and the Useless John Cena, Special Guest Referee Shawn (or is it still Khosrow?) Daivari (DQ, Fun With Chairs and a Heel Ref): Great, a main event that served no purpose for the wrestlers involved. Unless you count the Special Guest Ref as a wrestler, that is. I have a problem with bringing back Daivari by the back door this way. I think we were all in agreement that, given a gimmick change and a refocus as a face, he could be a contributor, most appropriately on Smackdown in the Cruiserweight Division. Instead, no gimmick change, and he’s the next Angle Disciple. Let’s see, out of the last four guys to hold that position, three of them are gone from WWE and the other one just jobbed to Carly Fucking Colon earlier on Raw. I don’t want to see Daivari suffer any more than he already has. This is the shortest distance to suffering that I can imagine. The laziness of “creative” strikes again. Jesus Christ, people, I already booked an adequate “Daivari returns as face” scenario back in July. For once, rip me off. For Daivari, I wouldn’t mind.

KC Evers (no relation) makes an important observation regarding Our Man Khosrow:

Edge has a match on SmackDown. Daivari wa
s part of SmackDown ’til tonight. Is this gonna wind up being “Edge shows up on SmackDown and realizes he’s been traded there for Daivari?”

Well, I have to cover both shows, but, really, I wouldn’t mind that trade. It puts Money In The Bank together with the title it belongs to. And, gee, doesn’t Smackdown have a void right now in the upper-mid-card due to someone leaving last week? Who better to replace Christian than Edge?

(And I will NOT mention the fact that Edge would be together with his favorite whipping boy because 1) I’m f*cking sick of that angle and 2) I loathe Matt Hardy and his teenage-girls-of-all-ages-and-genders fanbase.)

Angle Developments:

The Vomitorium Of Exposition Known As The Opening Promo: Okay, some things were settled as per SurSer. We’ve got the expected Angle/Cena match. My question of last week was answered as Flair/Trip goes to Last Man Standing; I can accept that
as escalation from a Cage Match. And we know that Team Raw will compose Michaels, TBS, Kane, Carly, and a playa to be named later (just to shake things up, how about if the fifth member of the team is Trish, forcing SD to put up one of their divas in return?). Also, the interbrand stuff was kept up with the promise of an Edge/DAVE Street Fight on Smackdown…you know, that’s a pretty high-level match. Why did the rather eerily near-face Bisch give that one away? Of course, what all of this means is that there’s no tag title match for Raw at SurSer…okay, no big loss. All in all, not too bad except for Bisch. He dove face-first, so to speak, into the Face Serum. No, I want my Bisch slimy and underhanded, thank you.

Breakdown Dead Ahead: There was one thing that could have made Angle’s quasi-shoot promo a little better. Da Meltz put out a story about a pro basketball game in Australia that took place last week. During the game, they played “Anthem”, Angle’s theme. During the playing, for no real reason, the audience started chanting “You Suck”. Angle could have worked that in perfectly alongside his real-life divorce, et al.

Making Believers: Well, the Joey Styles Era is now official. And guess what? He did a damn good job with what he had to work with. There’s still some tweaking to be done, yes, and there’s still the issue of developing chemistry, but it’s a good start. Now follow it up. Make more changes. Specifically, get Lawler the f*ck out of there once and for all. Given the evidence of the commentary on the main, Styles/Coachman will be a f*cking hoot to listen to. Much better than the should-have-been-put-out-to-pasture-years-ago Ross and the thoroughly useless Lawler.

(And, by the way, I said years ago that Ross should be put out to pasture, and have maintained that opinion since. So don’t go scouring through the archives looking for contradictions. I am not a hypocrite.)

And will the Ross Apologists shut the f*ck up? That includes that jerkoff who does wrestling for the Miami Herald who did a virtual obituary for Ross over the weekend. He’s gone. Live with it. He had a great career, and now it’s over, or relegated to wwe.com, whichever comes first. Joey’s done a damn good job so far. Let him continue, and let him be given the opportunity to flourish. That includes letting him say “Oh, my God” when he wants to. It is his catchphrase, after all.

And are there benefits to having Joey? Oh, yes, there are. There’s one that I can think of. Slick Rick hasn’t watched Raw in dog’s years. He watched this week. Why? Joey Fucking Styles, that’s why. Of course, he was also playing Civ IV at the time. Hell, I don’t blame him. He has his priorities straight.

And that closes this off. Back later this week for the Double-Team Short Form, or unless something interesting happens.