Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Target brand nasal decongestant. It’s kept me in halfway decent shape over the past week…
Yep, still sick. I’m sure the vitamins have helped, but without the antibiotics that I probably need, I’ll more than likely have this bug for at least another week. The good news is that I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.
Not much pertinent news this week. Combine that with the fact that I still feel like ass and we’ve got ourselves a special EXPRESS edition this week!
Let start with muffins for everyone!!!
DRAMATIS PERSONAE (EXPRESS MUFFINS EDITION)
NEWS TO USE
Rapper DMX was sentenced to serve 70 days at Rikers Island after having pled guilty last week to violating a conditional release, given after he was convicted of trying to steal a car and impersonating a federal agent at John F. Kennedy International Airport in June of 2004. The original sentence was projected to be 60 days, however, due to an attendance issue it was increased to 70 days. After the rapper was a no-show at his sentencing on Thursday, Judge Dorothy Chin-Brandt issued a bench warrant for his arrest. DMX eventually did show up, 2 hours and 45 minutes later than the scheduled sentencing. Shortly thereafter, he was ordered by another judge to spend the night at Rikers, and the next day Judge Chin-Brandt told him he had a shit attitude and gave him an extra 10 days in the pokey. However, if he stays on good behavior, DMX’s sentence could be reduced to 46 days.
A major donnybrook erupted at the Brookdale shopping center, outside of Minneapolis, during a free promotional concert by Atlanta-based boy band B5, causing the mall to be temporarily shut down by local police. The total turnout for the show, which had been promoted by the local Radio Disney station, was around 2,000. According to a witness, “Things were falling off the stage, girls were falling off the stage, girls started fighting.” A small group of security guards was unable to keep things in order, as several teenage girls were grabbing at the band members’ clothing, sending a few of them running backstage like wieners. Five people were treated by EMTs at the mall for minor injuries, while four others were taken to a nearby hospitals.
’70s glam-rocker Gary Glitter (nÃƒÂ© Paul Francis Gadd) is being sought by Vietnamese authorities after they found a 15-year-old girl in a house recently being rented by the musician, who performed the arena staple, “Rock and Roll (Part 2).” Ba Ria Vung Tau police have been speaking with the girl, and are looking to “clarify the relationship between this gentleman and a Vietnamese juvenile.” Glitter, 61, a registered sex offender in his homeland of the UK, served two months in 1999 after being found with child porn. After being released from prison, he fled to Cambodia, and was expelled from that country, although Cambodian officials would not go into detail as to why. “If evidence of a (legal) violation is found against Mr. Paul Francis, and especially evidence of sexual child abuse, I believe that very strict legal measures will apply to him,” a Foreign Ministry spokesman said. If convicted of sexual abuse of a minor, the singer could be put to death under Vietnamese law.
Nah, too easy.
A judge in Belgium has ordered Madonna’s Ray of Light album to be yanked from all store shelves in the country, starting in two weeks, after ruling in favor of a Belgian songwriter who claims that the singer stole his beat. Salvatore Acquaviva accused Madonna of aping the music for her song, “Frozen,” which appeared on the 1998 album, from his 1993 song, “Ma Vie Fout L’camp.” Moreover, Belgian radio and television stations will no longer be able to play “Frozen.” Big f*cking deal.
Due to making “exceptional progress” in her recent drug rehab run, a Los Angeles judge told Courtney Love that she could serve the remainder of her six-month sentence in a outpatient program, instead of having to stay at a treatment center. Love reportedly celebrated by eating two jars of pills, snorting seven grams of coke, drinking fifteen morphine martinis, and making out with Widro.
Usher recently told a reporter for The Associated Press that his number one dating tip for pathetic losers is that “[a]s long as you keep her laughing, you got it.” Bobby Brown, begging to differ, told a reporter for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, “In order to get a girl to like you, you have to treat her like shit, beating her on a regular basis, and doing things like having her smuggle your drugs onto airplanes and letting her take the heat for it when she gets busted.”
Several guests at the 33rd annual American Music Awards on Tuesday will receive a gift bag that includes a certificate giving them ownership of an acre of land on the moon. P. Diddy is expected to throw a shit fit when he discovers that he will not be crowned as the King of the Moon.
Kanye West will be presented with Billboard‘s Artist Achievement Award at the magazine’s awards show on Dec. 6 in Las Vegas. In other news, the American Music Awards don’t care about black people, and Hurricane Upsilon will be Lil Jon’s fault.
Miles Davis’ snakeskin jacket was auctioned off in a large jazz auction on Wednesday, to help musicians affected by Hurricane Katrina. The particular auction involving the jacket was reportedly won by Ricky Martin, who thought people might take him seriously if he were to wear Miles Davis’ snakeskin jacket. So far, it’s not working.
Peaches is working on a new album. In a related story, Peaches is just f*cking terrible.
In other auction news, Christie’s at Rockefeller Center will be featured on Monday a slew of early Bob Dylan poetry, a medallion worn by Jimi Hendrix at 1967’s Monterey Pop Festival, lyrics written by Jim Morrison, and a bunch of Beatles shit.
A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
From Underground Inc…
Christmas is coming and we have lots of items going into the Underground web store, and lots of special deals, free stuff, discounts, etc. to thank all of you for supporting our label and our bands.
From now through Christmas, we will be giving away a free work shirt with every order from our web store (sorry free downloads do not count). Choose your size and between the Damage Manual, Pigface, Sheep On Drugs, or Bile. Just enter your choice in the “comments” field when you complete your order!
ASTRALWERKS PUBLICITY INTERN/ASSISTANT NEEDED
Astralwerks is looking for a part time apprentice in our publicity department. Candidates must live in the New York Metro area and be able to commit 20 hours per week. Hours are flexible. Work directly with our publicity team and gain hands on experience in press and media relations. Some experience is preferred but not necessary.
For more info email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
Beck, “Sexx Laws”
The Cramps, “Green Fuz”
Roy Ayers, “Running Away”
Underworld, “Bruce Lee” (Micronauts Mx)
Alpha, “Hazeldub” (More Rockers Peace and Love Rmx)
Nelson Riddle, “The Theme from Route 66“
Bizarre Inc., “I’m Gonna Get You”
Thirstin Howl III, “Stole”
INXS, “Never Tear Us Apart”
Night Ranger, “Sister Christian”
The Notorious B.I.G., “Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems” [f/Mase and Dickhead]
U2, “Beautiful Day”
Tiger Army, “True Romance”
Death From Above 1979, “Turn It Out”
Dr. Dooom, “Leave Me Alone”
The Only Band That Matters, “Lost in the Supermarket”
Bill Withers, “Ain’t No Sunshine”
Interpol, “Stella Was a Diver and She Was Always Down”
Feindflug, “Kalte Unschuld”
David Bowie, “Let’s Dance”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
In a story that was actually from last week, Bruce Rheins, the lead producer for The CBS Evening News, who also led the network’s coverage of the Michael Jackson child molestation trial, has been recently peddling a 2005 Merlot with his wife, Dawn Westlake, called “Jesus Juice.” For those of you who refused or were unable to watch or stay briefed on the Jackson trial, the young defendant claimed that Michael Jackson gave him wine in a soda can, calling it “Jesus Juice.” According to reports, the couple registered a U.S. trademark for “Jesus Juice” just days after this information was revealed, which Rheins has received a considerable amount of heat for re journalistic integrity, since this was also during the time that he was still producing the coverage for the story. As a network producer, Rheins should certainly be unbiased when it comes to stories like this, and shouldn’t be trying to profit from a story that he covered. That said, it’s still pretty f*cking hilarious.
The label for the “Jesus Juice” Merlot shows a Michael Jackson imposter in a Christ-like pose. I honestly couldn’t believe that this was a real story. Fall Out Boy sucks.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I’m in one of my three luxury apartments eating Raisin Bran cereal.