THE ELIMINATION CHAMBER
PARTICIPANTS DECIDED
AND ANOTHER GOOD-BYE ON…
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
That’s right – last week we said good-bye to Christy Hemme… this week the Rabble says a fond farewell to another person who we were told will have his final WWE match tonight.
Domo Arigato Sir.
Now it’s time to introduce the Rabble:
‘The Japanese Buzzsaw’ – Bill
‘The Taiwanese Backflip’ – Hernandez
‘The Korean Superkick’ – Jenna
…and…
‘The Vietnamese Dogkiller’ – Me, James Hatton
Tonight we find our new GM, as last week Eric Bischoff waass FFIIIirreeEEddDD… So using the People’s Court music, we get a recap from last week. Amusing, sorta, although it shows kinds of people Vince expects to watch his show.
Hey – the Chairman is in the house!
“As promised—” His mic is broke, and his sound tech threw it back… so Vince makes it hand it back like a man. Nice way to keep kayfabe their Vinny.
“Last week I fired Eric Bischoff’s ass… I can tell you this, Eric Bischoff is going to stay fired. I would like to first thank him for his contributions and wish him a merry Christmas. There are people who eminanty qualified to be the new GM of Raw. The first is my daughter, Stephanie.”
“Or my other daughter.. Shane” – Hernandez
“What about my son, Shane. It could be Ted Turner himself. It could be one of you… JUST Kidding.. it’s not going to be one of you. Nonetheless, the interview process begins. An individual has been assigned tonight as the interim General Manager. Thought of us a business genius. And a handsome sunuva bitch.”
Soooo then Vince let’s us know that tonight is a night of qualifying matches.. and the first one will NOT be censored.
So here comes Kurt – and we don’t actually sing the ‘YOU SUCk/ONE FISH TWO FISH’ as, Bill actually brought a Kazoo… I love Kazoos.
In the corner we see the new logo for New Years Revolution.
“Somebody’s been using 3d Studio Max!” – Hernandez
And his opponent… who we know by Bill doing a ‘Woo’ on a Kazoo which honestly sounds like a duck being dropped into a blender…. Ric Flair!
KURT ANGLE vs. RIC FLAIR
You Suck vs Woo
Dani walks in. Then takes Bill’s kazoo. Thank you Dani.
In the ring Ric Flair drops Kurt with a headlock on the mat. A shoulderblock from Flair and then they stand back up, Kurt then takes the advantage. In the corner they go, and Kurt and Flair go back and forth. Finally Kurt sends Ric to the ropes – Ric ducks the clothesline and drops Kurt with some chops.
“Pork Chops” – Bill
“Meat Chops” – Hernandez
Kurt tries to get the advantage, but Ric leaps for the ropes. Ric gets pulled out and he hits the belly to back – and then the ankle lock….. Flair crawls….
“THREE PEDIGREES RIC!” – Bill
Flair GRABS the rope, but Angle drops down to lock it in tightly…
“COME ON RIC! ROAD RAGE!” – Hernandez
“You can’t see it, but his ankle is bleeding.” – Bill
COMMERCIAL
Back in the ring–
“Ric has kicked in Kurt’s car door” – Me
“Kurt isn’t allowed to use moves with the word half in it, due to Ric’s alimony” – Hernandez
“Wouldn’t it be great if the winner had to pay the other’s alimony?” – Bill
“Alimony on a pole match?” – Hernandez
Okay – aside from the silliness – Ric hits the kneedrop and then the figure four! Kurt gets the ropes and back in the ring ….
NOTE: My computer crashed. The rest is done from memory up until we hit the bit between Ric and Edge…. please bear with….
Ric tosses Kurt to the outside. Kurt comes in with a chair, but Ric steals it away and as he’s about to use it the ref steals it. Ric charges in, eats some Gold Medal to the face and Kurt gets the cheap heel win. Nice.
WINNER: KURT ANGLE
Kurt decides that he’s going to remain in the ring.
“You people say I suck.. well… YOU SUCK” – Kurt
“..So There!” – Bill
“And thank GOD I don’t have to hear you next week, as we’ll be showing footage from Raw in Afghanistan… and I wasn’t there.” – Kurt
Kurt goes on about disliking the American troops, and how he got a medal which is something that they’ve never done. So to prove how much he doesn’t care, he introduces us to Akbar in the background who spits on a statue of Larry Bird and just as he’s about to spraypaint Bobby Orr – he turns RIGHT into Cena.
Cena bitchslaps the hell out of him.
“Knocking the oil right outta his mouth” – Me
Cena then goes the pro-American route.
“Kurt.. so people out there say you suck. Half the people out there say ‘I’ suck. That’s called living in America!!!”
And just like that, Cena throws the huge face American promo, and proves how much he can actually play the crowd. Great work on both guys.
COMMERCIAL
In the back, Ric is sitting and gets confronted by Edge. Edge asks whether he’s going to go and beat someone on the Mass Turnpike, as that’s the only fight he can win these days.
“Hey, Edge is hiding behind Lita… Ovaries of steeeeel!” – Bill
Edge Woos at him and —
Shawn Michaels is in another part of the back. Shelton and he meet up. Shelton addresses that he gave Shawn an attitude.. and he left him hanging.
“Don’t you think hanging is a bad term to use here” – Hernandez
Shelton addresses that Shawn stood there and watched as Shelton got pinned. Apparently Shelton believes the only person Shawn cares about is Shawn. He hopes Shawn makes it in the Elimination Chamber.
COMMERCIAL
AIN’T NO STOPPING ME NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW—
“You know you can save some time in retyping that other section.. just cut and paste another time you did this match.” – Bill
“Yeah, we’ve seen this enough, right?” – Hernandez
I SPIT ON THE FACE OF SOMEONE ER ANOTHER THAT ISN’T COOL!
SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. CARLITO
Attitude vs. Apples
“He’s got two apples.” – Hernandez
“Vince said he can’t bring them out unless he has enough for everyone.” – Bill
So Shelton starts the match by tossing Carlito into the ring, ‘fro first.
“Well, we know it’s real..” – Hernandez
Shelton then shows his new attitude by stomping the hell out of Carlito in the corner and sending him to the outside briefly. Back in the ring, Carlito throws a wide clothesline, and gets a standing powerslam and some fists in before Carlito bails.
Shelton planchas and Carlito moves.. but Shelty lands on his feet.
“I think Carlito’s bumps are getting better” – Bill
“I think Benjamin’s hits are getting stiffer” – Hernandez
Back in the ring, Carlito finally gets a hit in, but Shelton hits back… harder. Shelton catches the kick, and pulls it into a belly to back, but Carlito drops and brings Benjamin into his modified backbreaker.
Carlito now holds the advantage with another standard backbreaker. He tosses Shelty into the ropes, and holds the ropes as Benjamin falls. Carlito hits a Boston Crab… which Styles mentions to us is beign done IN BOSTON.
“Where the move has it’s highest amount of power!!!!” – Bill
Shelton reverses it into a pin attempt, but Carlito kicks out of it. They get to their feet and Shelton takes the top and hits Carlito into his modified neckbreaker. Shelton tosses Carlito to the ropes. Reversed, and the ref gets pulled into the way so Shelton leaps over BOTH for the sunset flip…. Only gets two! GREAT SPOT!
Back on their feet – Shelton goes for a belly to belly, but Carlito fights out of it and hits a rock bottom! Only for two though! Shelton out of nowhere hits the standing powerslam – and as he DOESN’T go for the pin! He goes for the apple!
“Bobo like apple.” – Bill
“Don’t you mean Koko?” – Me
“He’s Bobo” – Bill
He walks in to spit on Carlito, but the possum pin!
WINNER: CARLITO!
Vince in the background gets stopped by Trevor Murdoch who wants to be the new GM…. and as Vince opens his office door – the music swells.
“Viscera’s in there” – Bill
Hey.. it’s Candice… our frequent lech of the week.
“What brings you to my office” – Vince
“The script” – Hernandez
So she is considering being general manager – and Vince wants to know what she offers.
“SHHHHHHLUUUUURP!” – Me
“Oh.. I have two specific assets.” – Bill
Well she then goes to have an ‘O’ moment as she unbuttons her lil witchy coat to reveal a black babydoll looking thingy. Guaranteeing her a … firm… running for tonight’s LECHEROUS AWARD!
Kurt then stops the entire affair. He needs to talk to Vince… Now.
“Awww dammit!” – Me
COMMERCIAL
WEEEL IT’S THE BIG SHOWWWWW!
“Awww…she took my kazoo… think she’s asleep? Think I could get the kazoo?” – Bill
AWWWWwwwwwwwww SHAWN!
“Remember – he’s still got all that Jesus stored up in his leg from last week” – Bill
BIG SHOW vs. HBK
Show vs. Christ
Show starts the match by cornering Shawn… but Shawn dives out of the way and starts chopping Big Show.
“This ain’t Diesal.. it’s like Diesal meets Yokozuna” – Hernandez
“It’s like Diesal ATE Yokozuna” – Me
So Shawn hits the ropes and ends up in a chokeslam… Shawn then somehow tosses Show out of the ring.
“Aww Shawn’s the matador” – Bill
“ARRIBA! That was for you…” – Me
“..thanks.” – Hernandez
So Shawn goes to plancha.. but gets caught.. and now it’s all ShowTime. Without all that softcore porn. HA! Anyway.. in the ring, Shawn gets stepped on.. kicked in the face… and Show misses the elbow. Shawn hits some chops – the ropes – and leaps RIGHT into a bearhug.
“SELL DAMMIT SELL!” – Hernandez
Shawn hits Show right in the face so the man drops him. He hits the ropes, and Show drops so a kneelift RIGHT to the mush of Big Show, some more chopes and Show throws Shawn into the ropes. Shawn leaps and gets caught AGAIN!
“Didn’t you learn last time?” – Hernandez
Shawn gets thrown into the corner, and as Show charges – he eats some boots. Shawn hits the ropes – hits the crossbody, and HE falls! Nip up! He charges in again and gets caught for the chokeslam again…. DDT! Messy spot, but neat in it’s attempt.
So now it’s time to tune up the band!
J E S U S – HE HITS IT! SQUARE! FLAT IN THE FOREHEAD! SHOW DOES NOT FALL!
Shawn throws ANOTHER, but gets hit with the chokeslam! HERE COMES TRIPLE H!
Trips pulls out Shawn…. he’s about to climb in and hit Shawn
“Have you noticed they are setting up unconventional matches?” – Me
“Yes.. and I’m loving it.” – Hernandez
“You can notice they are trying different things.” – Bill
“Whomever keeps setting up Shelton Carlito needs to be shot.” – Hernandez
They show us the Elimination Chamber listing so far.
“One of those spots is going to Masters or Viscera….” – Hernandez
So.. in the back Kurt tells Vince that he needs to make a statement. He wants Cena for the title in Boston tonight!
“You want a statement… YOU WANT A STATEMENT?! BACK OFF!” – Vince
So Vince makes Cena versus Akbar tonight… in the first ever ‘You Can’t See Me’ match. Where Cena is blindfolded.
“Somewhere… Rick Martel cries.” – Me
“One more thing.. you can knock our troops, but you better never ever interrupt me again.” – Vince
Vince plays with Candice’s violet wand.. (not that kind) ..that’s that.
COMMERCIAL
In the ring now is the ..umm.. the lov… the..err.. Viscera. Ok.. it’s Viscera.
Coming now is Bill’s own Powdered Toast Man–
VISCERA vs. CHRIS MASTERS
The entire meal vs. Toast
“Remember – whomever wins this match..we lose.” – Me
“You know Masters is going to win it.. Big Vis can’t fit in the chamber” – Bill
In the ring, Viscera is throwing Masters around and gets a two count.
“I wonder how much is Vis getting paid?” – Hernandez
“To lie down?” – Jenna
“To come down to the ring..” – Hernandez
“Too much.. too f’n much” – Me
“Remember, he needs bonuses to pay for little Cloackis” – Hernandez
So Viscera throws around lots… and as Masters tries to hit the Masterlock – Viscera says.. NO! And throws Masters behind him. Masters gets up and fist fist fist to Viscera… Another Masterlock – and squashed in the corner! Viscera hits a huge samoan drop, and as he charges Masters – drop toe hold to the second rope.
“He eats the turnbuckle… no.. seriously.. it’s gone!” – Hernandez
OH MY GOD! MASTERS ACTUALLY HITS THE MASTERLOCK AND LOOOCKKKSSSS IT IN!
“He can’t breath – his breasts are in his face.” – Bill
“A turkey fell out of him!” – Hernandez
“He WAS kind of sleepy from the triptifan..” – Bill
WINNER: CHRIS MASTERS
“For that little bit of suck” – Bill
Joey Styles refers to Masters as ‘The Blue Chipper’ and god knows how well that did for Rocky… yuck.
So we now get a video package of Undertaker and Orton..
“OH MY GOD!?!!” – Hernandez
“What?” – Me
“THEY SHOWED BIG BOSS MAN HANGED FROM THE CAGE?!” – Hernandez
“..oh… errr…. wow.” – Me
COMMERCIAL
So if you watched WWE Unlimited.. you saw what they show us now on TV.
Trish is about to tell Mickey to go blow… but she gets stopped by Mickey who tells her how happy she is to be with Trish and she gets to face Victoria in a #1 Contender match.
“Is she wearing a pearl necklace?” – Hernandez
“It’s pink. Someone needs a doctor..” – Bill
Hey.. umm… Striker is here….Wait.. umm… who is Striker?
“The schoolteacher turned wrestler..” – Hernandez
“Back when he was jobbing with Angle” – Bill
OOHHH! That guy.
So Matt Striker is here spelling out ‘Family Values’. He makes fun of the audience for cheap heel heat. He’s kind of like a meaner version of Simon Dean.
“Dean Douglas?” – Hernandez
“Oh! AND Dean Douglas” – Me
So we ignore that.
In the back Vinnie is talking with Christopher Nowinski… and who comes in to surprise him? ‘The American Dream’ Dusty Rhodes.
“Funny enough he came in with the urn of Sapphire.” – Me
COMMERCIAL
Coming down with Mickey James.. is Trish Stratus.. and as a note – Mickey is wearing the most adorable little argyle kneesocks.
VICTORIA vs. MICKEY JAMES
So in the ring – Mickey goes nuts! Vickie tosses Mickey to the ropes – Micks gets the hurricanrana, but Victoria picks her up…. DDT! Pin! That’s it. I’m not wasting any time on this.
WINNER: MICKEY JAMES
Mickey’s wearing bloomers for the record. Neat.
The truth is we were discussing iPod’s burning out during that match, and I was staring at Mickey’s kneesocks.
COMMERCIAL – next though is… Kane vs. Trips
“Here comes the pain.. in the rain… in Spain..” – Hernandez
EET’S TIME TO PLAY —
“PRINCE OF PERSIA — TWO THRONES!!!!” – Me
“CONNECT FOURRRRRR” – Bill
“..I don’t have a witty game off the top of my head” – Hernanez
“CANASTAAAAAA” – Jenna
“Hiding Mr. HAPPPPYYYYYYYY” – Hernandez
“THE FEUUUUUUUUUUD. Larry Anderson singing.” – Bill
“..Louie.” – Me
“I said that.” – Bill
“Eetsh Time To Play With Shwardsssss” – Me
“..that’s S-Words” – Bill
So now.. Here comes Kane.
“FIREEEE!!! EVERYBODY OUT!” – Hernandez
TRIPLE H vs. KANE
The Game vs. The Burn
So Hunter charges in and eats a clothesline.
“Kane pour it on.. he doesn’t have to sell.. but you can make him!” – Hernandez
So the lock-up and Kane throws him into the corner. Kane throws him to another corner and a standing choke. Holding Hunter right up – NICE. So Hunter thumbs him in the eye and drops him…. now Hunter tries to toss Kane into a corner – but Kane says NO! And over the top goes Hunter… right next to Carlito’s apple.
“Eat the apple! It’ll be like Popeye” – Bill
COMMERCIAL…seemingly randomly – random shot from Afghanistan
“Hey.. Lillian hugged me.. Momma said I gunna marry her.” – Me
“A lapdance is always better when a Diva is crying” – Hernandez
“Hey! Wait! No Tajiri tonight?!” – Hernandez
“I want my green mist” – Jenna
“It would be nice if he is the one that stops Triple H for last week” – Hernandez
We come back with Kane hitting a spine buster —
“A Main Event Spinebuster” – Hernandez
“Wrong net writer..” – Me
on Triple H. Hunter hits the ropes, and tries to put Kane into a sleeper, but eats a sideslam in exchange. They are both out for a long beat and then they get to their feet and Kane gets the fist battle. Then Kane does the irish whip charge attacks…
“AGGRO!” – Bill
Powerslam from Kane and the big man is heading up to the top. They both head to the outside, and Kane again throws him around.
“HEY ALL YOU FRONT ROW PEOPLE – Touch Triple H!” – Bill
“You’ll absorb his quickening” – Me
“Or Stephanie’s musk” – Bill
They head back in, well Kane at least sends Triple H over the top rope. To the ropes goes Trips… knee lift and a set-up for the pedigree, but reversed by Kane. Kane picks him up and headfirst into the turnbuckle. Kane goes for a boot to Trips, but hits the ref instead… THEN hits Kane with it.
NOW Kane hits the chokeslap, but Hunter reverses it with a kick to the gut and a DDT. Hunter heads out to grab the sledgehammer.
Here comes Big Show.
“Ho ho hoooo Green Giant” – Jenna
So Hunter is standing in the ring with the sledgehammer, but Show doesn’t even seem to care. Hunter turns around, and CHOKESLAM from Kane. Big Show joins in. Double chokeslam.
“Now hit me…” – Hernandez as Kane.
Show throws Kane on top of Hunter – throws the ref on top of both of them… One………… Two……….. Yep!
WINNER: KANE!
That makes our Elimination Chamber:
Carlito –
“That’s not cool” – Jenna
“My estimation of Carlito is going up in small increments” – Bill
“Does that make him main event worthy?” – Me
“In a six-man main event – sure.” – Bill
“Even Rikishi made a main event Hell In The Cell once.” – Hernandez
Angle
“Natch'” – Me
“Snatch?” – Hernandez
“..Natch” – Me
“Nuff said” – Bill
Michaels
“Power of Christ Compels You” – Hernandez
“It was written in the book ‘And Yay shall HBK go to the Elimination Chamber” – Bill
Masters
“Better than Viscera…. I guess.” – Me
“POWDERED TOOOASSTTTT MAAAN” – Bill
Kane
“It was fun watching him get there.” – Bill
“I’m happy to see him main eventing again” – Hernandez
“..It’s better than Viscera”
“Not since the triple threat with Kane, Stone Cold, and Triple H..” – Hernandez
…AND…
Cena
But wait! There is one more match. Cena/Davairi… umm.. rah?
COMMERCIAL
CENA vs. AKBAR
Oh you know what I’m going to say…
“No I don’t” – Bill
“You know what I’m going to say..” – Me
“WHATCHA GUNNA SAY” – Hernandez
“I’M GONNA DIP MY BALLS IN IT!” – Me
….I mean….
“IT’S A TRAP!” – Me
“And they are in Boston too.. a retched hive of scum and villainy” – Bill
So the blindfold goes onto Cena.
“MARCO?” – Bill
“Homo” – Hernandez
“Somebody’s gonna spray Arrogance in his face” – Me
“He can see through it!” – Hernandez
“Of course he can..” – Me
So Akbar claps and Cena charges, hitting the ropes. Cena follows the crowd cheering, only to miss Akbar. Angle on the outside grabs his ankle… Akbar teases Cena a bit… finally a blind hit catches Akbar.. and Cena ends up holding the ref.
Cena then again uses the crowd to point out where Davairi is. As a note, Jake Roberts did the EXACT same thing. So the ref watches as Angle balls Cena and Davairi leaps on him and stars the heelish assault.
On his feet, Angle catches Davairi’s leg and charges foreward and hits the STF.. That is that.
“Those are some stretchy pants” – Hernandez
“He borrows them from Sabu” – Me
WINNER: JOHN CENA
So Angle leaps in and starts punching Cena in the back of the head.
“JUST LIKE MY WIFEEEE!” – Hernandez
“Donkey Donkey Donkey!” – Bill
Akbar gets hit with the F-U, and no Tajiri. Dammit.
What did the Rabble think?
“Good show.. no Tajiri, he will be missed.” – Hernandez
“Solid show. The only weak one was what we knew would be weak” – Bill
“I wasn’t here for most of it.. so I don’t know.” – Jenna
“And I say the Elimination Chamber is going to suck. That’s that.” – Me
Until next week – This is the Rabble saying g’night.
