The disaster auditions.
Me loves the contestants more clueless than Anna Nicole Smith who think they have talent and when they are ultimately mocked and ridiculed, they sing the greatest hits such as our favorites: “When I’m famous, they’ll see what a mistake they made!”
“Simon’s an asshole!!!”
and
“I’ll be back next year”
And I gotta hand it to Simon, he’s definitely created something. He is the Darth Vader of competitions. But the thing about him that everyone hates, is that he’s dead on!
Simon is the Howard Stern of American Idol
Here’s the lineup:
Simon is like Howard…the ass who says what we’re all thinking… but would never actually say… out loud… in public… within human earshot….
Paula’s the Robin. The voice of reason, common sense and the nice person of the show.
Randy’s the …. We don’t have anything from Howard from him. I’d love to make him Jeff the Drunk …. Oh, no wait… GARY!!! Actually I don’t want to give him Artie’s humor … but the weight I’ll pass along to him.
Ryan is the Casey, former hot guy from Howard’s show. Cute, but everyone thinks he’s gay.
How these judges can sit through the auditions is beyond me. I couldn’t sit through Sideways… and it was about drinking and wine!! I think that’s why they lose it every now & then. The dread of the next contestant gets to them and the professionalism is out the door and it’s a no holds barred room once those doors close. It’s like sitting through a Jim Carey movie marathon…some parts are funny, some have actual merit, but overall it’s torture. This is where we get the tension buildup and Simon’s rude comments. Worth every penny I didn’t spend and worth every penny Simon and the gang are earning.
Week one of Auditions I will recap the top moments I watched and found worth repeating.
– Statue of Liberty guy.
– “You sing like an auntie.” – Simon
– “It’s no different than saying he’s a rat.” – Simon
– “You should shave off the beard and put on a dress” – Simon
– The “sheriff” who sang I shot the sheriff… ovah and ovah and ovah an ovah. I swear there are other lyrics to that song.
“Do you have jurisdiction here?” – Simon
“No?” – “sheriff”
“Then I say no”- Simon
– “What makes you different? Braces? Red Hair? Highest voice in America?”
– “He is shorter in person.” – Ryan Seacrest about Simon
– The girl bouncing out of the audition who made it…….The sing-off in the hall… “The proof is in the paper!!!”
– “Womma!!” … You mean “Momma”? The Ukrainian… IDOL!! Chair spin from Paula
“That audition can take you very far in Hollywood”. Stripper Idol. Hey Hey Hey!
– Crystal the tanorexic Britney/Christina/wannabe.
“What’s about the suntan”? – Simon
“I go tanning, but I don’t think that’s the main importance here” – Crystal
– Rush Rush. The horrible cover of Paula Abdul’s 80’s hit. Ouch. “It’s very rare that I hear something better than the original.” – Simon rippin’ on Paula.
– Git er Dun!! Cowboy. Town of four people!??! “I only sing in front of my turkey. I’ve never been out in public before.”
– Flawless the Entre-tre-preneur. Pajama man. How many costume changes did he bring??? He cleans houses. “Paradise Cleaning where our slogan is that you… you … come…home… home with your … home smelling like paradise.” Good slogan. “I wanted it to be a tongue twister.”
– I have 5 patents. Coasters for drinks. That makes your drink bounce up ‘n down.
That’s Friggin Brilliant! Just what I want… my drink to always be on the brink of spilling.
– Confused. The trans-vest-exual. Zach. He’s like an Animaniac or Goofy… you don’t know what the hell he is.
And the number ONE highlight of the auditions and the reason I actually will watch the show past the side-splitting unfortunate auditions:
#1 – Ace, the 24 year old hottie from LA. Great hair. Great teeth. Great smile. Great arms… did he even sing? I didn’t notice….I will be watching until Ace is off the show… or has my number.
As you can see, Simon has dominated the highlights of the show. Has Simon ever done stand up? His “talent” bashing dream-crushing lines are second to none.
Overall observations are that this is once again a hit.
Ace is hot.
The Rocker part of the show made Rockstar INXS look as gracious as a ballerina…
Hey, is it just me or has Randy gained some of his weight back?
And can we talk about the press release timing of Kelly Clarkson not releasing her songs to the show? Oh, then she overturns that ruling the next day and allows it. Like the show needs more press.
And speaking of previous contestants/winners… it seems that Kelly Clarkson has a hit every week and has 5 songs on the charts. What’s Ruben been up to? Eatin? It’s hard to believe a man that size can disappear. Clay I believe now has a huge mansion in North Carolina for his Claymate Bunnies… HA! That’d be a great reality show spin off. Nobody take my idea. Fantasia had one hit and pops up here and there. And that country Carrie has worked this for all she can. She’s got a Sketchers campaign, singing the National Anthem at the playoffs game. Good job, girl!
I can’t wait until the next fiasco auditions… actually… I can’t wait until they show my boyfriend Ace.
