Hey everybody. I’m Tom Pandich filling in for the Live Raw recap tonight. I’m taking the spot of”¦ umm let’s see here”¦. Tom Pand”¦ wait a second! I’m Tom Pandich, your official Live Raw recapper!!! Wow, how fantastic is this? Let me give you an actual introduction to myself as both a person and a wrestling fan.
I’ve been a wrestling fan for a good twelve years or so. My worst memory was Bret Hart losing the title at Wrestlemania IX to Yokozuna. I was so crushed that I turned the damn tape off (I had a friend who ordered the Pay Per Views and taped them for me) before Hogan came out and won the belt. I’m currently in college working on my, let’s see, fourth declared major yet I’m still only spending four years in college for a bachelor’s degree in Literature. I’ve tried my hand at the whole professional journalism thing a few times writing for a few of the local rags about sports, but I couldn’t find any passion in it. I lived in Washington DC for a spell, moved back home and changed colleges so I’m now going to school in Jacksonville Florida.
It was shortly after moving back to Florida that I was hired about a year ago for Inside Pulse for their games section (through the good graces of Mr. Alex Williams). I had been reading Inside Pulse since the beginning and 411mania for a while before that. I came initially looking for a decent non-pay wrestling site and stayed for the fantastic coverage that was done in Games. I mean, they had a feature on the Sega Dreamcast, how bitching was that.
I did news for games until Boss Widro cut the position. I transition to mainly writing reviews which then turned into mainly writing weekly columns which can be seen every Monday under the title Gaming Zen. I also branched out to write for the movies section and every once in a while a TV review. I also covered Velocity for about two weeks with the ever popular Super Happy Awesome Velocity Extravaganza or the SHAVE Report for short. Now I’ve officially taken over the Raw Live Recap seeing as I’m the only one who doesn’t give a shit about 24 or Prison Break.
My recapping style is kind of a scattershot. I make no claim to know what the f*ck most of the moves are called or to stay conscious during a HHH promo. The depth of my recap depends on two things. How good the Raw has been and how frisky I’m feeling. If the Raw has sucked and it’s bringing me down, watch for a lot of “Trish kicked Victoria in the baby maker to win the match”. In short, if I’m writing a lot, I’m in a particularly good mood and Raw is helping keep my mood good. If you’ve got any criticisms or comments on my recapping skillz, just shoot me an e-mail at gamingzen@gmail.com. I’m very open to suggestions.
Alright, last night at the Royal Rumble, Rey Mysterio managed to pull a swerve on us all as he won the Royal Rumble with a run in from Eddie Guerrero! As it turns out, Eddie didn’t die, some completely random Mexican died pretending to be Eddie. How silly is it that all Mexicans look the same. Then Vince McMahon came out and forced Booker T, Virgil, and Shelton Benjamin to plow the cotton fields to start making exclusive John Cena “The CHAMP IS BACK” merchandise. Justin Cenalake then hosed that hoser Edge back to hose land to win back that goddamn spinner belt. Fucking Canadians. Fucking Wiggers.
What else? Oh yeah! Kurt Angle won his match”¦then again”¦nobody ever really wins anything when Mark Henry is involved. Gregory Helms is off Raw as he’s the new cruiserweight champion. Mickie James won her match over Ashley and the Boogeyman beat JBL. Fit Finley also had a match which made me laugh and laugh.
Stay tuned as Raw is just moments away from starting!
In fact, it is starting! We start with Edge. Yay… Edge is bitching about losing to Cena and says they’re having a rematch tonight! He also says he won’t be a transitional champion. Well, one of the two bitch promos is out of the way and it wasn’t painful. Pyro and we are on LIVE (30 second delay) from Orlando. Eh f*ck, Raw was in Orlando tonight? I missed that one. Cena and Edge go at it tonight, plus we get a tag title match between Big Show and Kane against Chris Masters and Carlito. I’ll give you a nickel if you know who’s the champ!
Vince comes down and said he guaren-damn-teed Shawn’s luck would run out. We get a video recap of Shane-o-Mac tossing HBK from the Royal Rumble. Vince says what’s the sense of having power if he doesn’t get a chance to abuse it once in a while? Michaels comes out and wants to “kick (Vince’s) teeth down (his) throat!” but then he’d be fired. HBK says he could do the good Christian thing and quit, but Vince would sue his ass. So HBK says the third option is he’s going to start partying, drinking, and pill popping. Vince loves that idea. Shawn says he won’t though because he loves his kids and some other bullshit.
Vince says HBK is screwed worse then Bret Hart. Vince says he could fire Shawn, but he wants to keep him around because he’s a great businessman. Shawn appeals to that business sense and the sound cuts out because some guy calls Vince a chickenshit and a homo fag (silly fan, they mean the same thing). Vince rejects Shawn and says if he gets back in the ring, it’ll be on his terms. Vince then says he’s offering Shawn the chance to commit career suicide by letting Shawn hit him. Vince then says he’ll fire him and sue him. Vince puts both arms behind his back and is begging Shawn to hit him. Shane comes in and cold clocks Shawn with a chair. Huge asshole chant breaks out and the McMahons leave looking confident. Everyone in the back should pay attention. That is a prime example of a fantastic promo. We cut to commercials.
USA is your home for all the Olympic Curling you could want. Fuck yeah!
We’re back and Todd wants to interview Shane and Vince. Why has Shane attacked Vince? Well Shane says you don’t cross the McMahons. Hart, Austin, and now Michaels have learned that. They get in the limo and take off.
RVD IS HERE! Sadly, he’s going against Snitsky”¦
Gene vs Rob: Flipping Shit vs Plain Shit
RVD hits some kicks. Snitsky gets hit by those very well. RVD blows a spot and yells out “shit” and Snitsky takes control on the mat with a side headlock. RVD powers out of it but eats a shoulder block. Snitsky moves RVD into a corner and gets a few shots on him. Snitsky misses an elbow but that doesn’t stop him from keeping control of the match. Snitsky chokes RVD on the rope, gets a bear hug which RVD escapes from, and then gets planted with a power slam.
A boring chant breaks out at RVD gets sent into the corner and eats a big clothesline. RVD hits two spinning back kicks in a row and then a Rolling Thunder. Only two on that and Snitsky gets an eye poke, catches RVD’s roundhouse but eats another spinning heel kick. Five Star Frog Splash and that’s all. What a return match for RVD! It’s almost as if I’ve been watching the same damn match over and over and over again for months even though RVD has been out for a year.
Winner: RVD
We get a Royal Rumble recap with the hilarious ring collapse at the end of the Angle match after the Undertaker comes out. Commercials? Why yes, I think I will.
Wrestlemania 22’s official theme song is off of Peter Gabriel’s Greatest Hits album. Big Momma is yelling at Shelton. Shelton’s Momma needs a back rub too. Golddust comes and gives her a back rub and she starts having a heart attack. Argh, there are so many funny things they can be doing with this promo, and yet, they don’t.
Marie is interviewing HHH. Hah, how great is that? HHH came “thiiiiiisss close” to winning the Royal Rumble but was eliminated by Mysterio. HHH is none too happy. HHH can’t get revenge on anyone involved in this victory. He can’t take it out on God, Eddie Guerrero, or even Rey Mysterio, so he’s going to get revenge on the next best thing. He’s going to beat the hell out of Chavo Guerrero! We get HHH’s music and HE COMES OUT TO THE RING! That may have been the shortest HHH promo in the last ten years. The match is next!
HHH versus Chavo Guerrero: Deaddie 2: Dia de Los Muerto
Chavo is like a house of fire. Tilt-a-whirl neck breaker. Two standing drop kicks and HHH is out. Chavo has an arm bar, countered by HHH, and countered again by HHH. HHH pushes Chavo into the corner and hits him. Chavo reverse this and hits a few European uppercuts. He then hits HHH with a flying cross body, and HHH heads to the outside. Chavo Guerrero goes flying over the top and nails HHH with a cross body. Orlando’s intelligence shows through when some asshole shouts out “come on Eddie”. Chavo tries to get a chant going for him that is met by indifference. HHH eats some kicks getting into the ring, but dumps Chavo on the floor with a back drop, dropping us into commercials!
We’re back and Chavo has just SKINNED THE CAT, but HHH crushes him with a spinebuster. HHH with some more offense and backbreaker gets two. Some closed fist punches are followed up by the knee drop. Chavo exchanges some punches with HHH, but Chavo gets hit hard in the corner with an Irish whip. Triple H hits another big back drop on Chavo. Chavo gets tossed into the corner followed by HHH who eats a big leg. Triple H locks a sleeper down on Chavo which he counters. Chavo eats a boot in the corner but hits a standing drop kick. 6 count and they’re both up. Chavo hits a big float over DDT.
Chavo sets HHH for the Three Amigos, hits two, HHH tries to counter the third, but eats the third. Chavo goes to the top for the frog splash, but HHH gets up and takes out Chavo’s legs. Chavo fights him off the top rope, misses the frog splash, and eats a Pedigree. Game Over! LOL! Good match though.
Winner: Triple H
In the back with Carlito and Masters now with Carlito talking about how Shaq hit him with a chair. Masters is pissed though about the Rumble and the Elimination Chamber. Carlito asks if they’re cool and eats a big old slap from Masters. Masters says that they’re cool now. Tag titles are N-E-X-T!
During the commercial Alex Lucard and I have a conversation.
Lucard: Is it wrong the fans chant Eddie for Rey but not for Chavo?
Me: No
Me: Because fans never chanted for Chavo in the first place
Lucard: They did when he had a hobby horse in WCW
Me: True
Me: And Moppie!
Lucard: Moppie was Saturn’s bitch
Me: …..
Me: Damn, my bad
Lucard: They should have the mop fight the horse
Me: They’re both dead though.
Lucard: Can the Undertaker raise them fromt he dead? Zombie Mop = RATINGS
Lucard: More than Cena anyway
Me: Undertaker no
Me: PAPA SHANGO YES!
Lucard: Ooh! That’s a stable. Shango. Mop. Hobby Horse. Owen Hart. Eddie Guerrero. they could get fake ones like Razor and Diesel.
Lucard: Insant heel heat!
Lucard: Zombie Eddie could be all “Braaaaains. Esse.” And Owen could all be “Slaaaaamies. Braaaaains.”
Me: I wonder if they give out Slammies for best zombified wrestler?
We’re back and here come the big guys!
Kane/Big Show vs Carlito/Chris Masters: Please Keep the CC Conection in the Tag Division
Kane and Big Show smush Carlito. Kane nails a big slam on Carlito. Masters comes in and eats Kane’s bigness. Wow… that was wrong. Carlito distracts the ref and Masters tosses Kane into the STEEL STEPS. I really wonder how the ref can’t hear that… Masters and Carlito have a few quick tags keeping Kane isolated. A Sideshow Bob chant breaks out for Carlito. Chris Masters locks on the Masterlock but Kane looks like he’s going to break it. Carlito charges in and eats a big boot. Kane brings Masters over to Big Show and Masters eats a big punch.
Big Show gets tagged in and dominates. After a bunch of double team moves, Carlito pulls the top rope down and out goes Big Show. Kane misses the big clothesline from the top rope on Masters and Masters hooks on the Masterlock. Carlito goes out to try and take out Big Show but gets his spine driven against the steel post. Masters clips out Big Show’s leg and tries for the Masterlock but can’t get it on. Big Show backs him into a corner and and Kane and Big Show hit a double chokeslam winning the match. This had to be the best match for the four of them in months, elimination chamber included. What a fun big man match.
Winners and STILL CHAMPIONS: The Big Show and Kane
Promo for Wrestlemania 22 plus a celebration between Mickie and Trish. Commercial time though.
Apparently during the break, RVD came out and beat the hell out of Carlito. Maria interviews RVD and continuity is maintained. Hurrah. Carlito/RVD feud.
New Guy Todd interviews Mickie. Mickie’s love was confirmed when Trish counted 1-2-3 last night and now she’s going to repay that love a bazillion times over. OH MY GOSH!
We get a New Year’s Revolution recap of Cena being beaten by Edge and then still pictures of Edge losing to Cena at the Royal Rumble along with a pimp for tonight’s match. We’re back to commercials…
The dog show is coming back though in two weeks. A second hurrah!
Candice Michelle is showing us that she’s whoring herself out for a new Godaddy.com commercial during the Super Bowl. Regardless of that, here comes Shelton and he is wheeling Momma down after her run in with Golddust, oxygen and all. Here comes Golddust without the Golden Shower though.
Golddust vs Shelton Benjamin: Silly Shelton, Golddust is a Person, Not Something You Can Steal
Match starts off fast. Shelton tries to hit a drop kick but lands flat on his ass. Golddust dumps Shelton. Golddust tries to get Shelton with a suplex but rolls it over and hits a major neckbreaker. Shelton blows a toe drop but Golddust goes down anyways. Big “Mamma’s Boy” chant breaks out. Golddust gets a great flying clothesline and then catches Shelton with his head down for a nice short uppercut. Shelton gets set up for Shattered Dreams and Mamma takes her shoe off. The ref is distracted and Shelton takes a shot to the balls. Mamma throws shoe one at Golddust. Golddust then goes out to talk with Mamma and she needs some oxygen. Golddust goes back into the ring and eats a huge kick from Shelton. A big “Get up boy!” chant from Shelton’s mama and he does. Exploder and it is OVAH. Shelton gets a nice hug and kiss from mama. Another entertaining match. Raw is 4 for 4 tonight.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin
Commercials again.
We’re back and we get a shot of wwe.com. We’re backstage and Shelton wheels Mama to the bathroom. Mama needs to tinkle. Look, it’s Ric Flair chatting it up with some Diva hoes. Shelton comes over and says he’s got his confidence back and now he wants to get his title back. Ric says a Mama’s boy will never beat the Nature Boy. Three woos and we’re back with Mickie James.
Mickie James shows some Royal Rumble footage of her win and Mickie brings Trish out screaming. We’ve got confetti and balloons too! Who doesn’t love celebrations? Wrestling celebrations are almost as good as wrestling weddings. Trish doesn’t want to be part of a celebration, she wants to set the record straight (although the balloons were a nice touch). Mickie has a surprise for Trish. It’s the SPIRIT SQUAD!
The Squad does three shitty chants and MORE CONFETTI! Wow, this really has been the most entertaining Raw ever. Here comes Ashlie looking super skanky. Ashlie says Trish doesn’t love Mickie. Not only that, she thinks what everyone else thinks, “Mickie James is a psycho.” A “She’s a Psycho” chant breaks out and Mickie breaks down asking for Trish to validate her. Trish says Mickie is a special woman and Mickie freaks out even more. She says she doesn’t want to ever bother her again. She goes out of the ring for two seconds and charges after Ashlie! Ashlie gets the upper hand, Trish pulls her off, and Ashlie eats a chick kick from Mickie. Mickie knew that Trish loved her! Aww.
We cut to the back and Edge is heading down to the ring. His match with Cena is next!
BIG TIME WRESTLEMANIA CHICAGO WOO WOO
Here comes Edge with Lita looking slutty as ever. Quiet before the storm for a good thirty seconds with some you suck chants coming out for Edge…. AND THE CHAMP IS HERE!!! On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being flat out heel heat and 10 being OMG face heat Cena gets a 6 which is very tepid face heat. Could they hot shot the title back here?
John Cena vs Edge: Homeslice versus Hoser
Cena locks in an “aggressive headlock”. Edge dumps Cena but Cena fights back in. Cena gets Edge back and forth in the corner and then drops Edge. He hits an elbow for two and locks in a front facelock to a half nelson. Cena gets another two and tosses Edge into the corner. A snap suplex gets two and Cena locks on a side headlock. Edge gets up to a vertical base, tosses Cena into the ropes and hits a standing drop kick.
Edge goes up top and gets dumped by Cena to the floor and smacks his face on the annoucers’ table. Time for the last commercial break of the evening.
We’re back and Edge has taken over. He hit a shoulder block and sent Cena into the barricade. He also threw Cena into the stairs. Big Cena chant starts up. Edge takes Cena up to the top rope and hits a hurricanrada off the top. I’d love to see Luger try that. Edge puts Cena in a front face choke. Dueling Cena/Edge chants start up with the Edge chant half as loud as the Cena chant. Cena wins the punch battle and hits a few clotheslines by a flying shoulderblock. Edge takes Cena down and goes up for a cross body but is caught by Cena who hits him with slam which gets two. Cena hits a main event spine buster for two.
Edge gets up and Cena tries for a second spinebuster, but Edge floats over and hits Cena with the Edgecutioner for two. Edge goes up to the top again but has his legs taken out from him and is superplexed for two. Edge takes Cena down and gets two with his feet on the ropes. Edge gets caught in the throwback and its Five Knuckle Shuffle time! Cena blows a kiss to Edge hits it and pumps it up. The counter leads to a ref bump which gives Edge a chance for a nut shot. Spear and the ref is still out. Edge calls for Lita to get the belt, the ref is up and LITA CLOCKS EDGE!!! The bell is called for and Edge wins by DQ!
Winner: Edge
What a great little bit of psychology by Lita for Edge to get a second title shot. In fact, this was a great show all around. I’ll be here next week for all your Raw needs. Send some feedback if I’m doing stuff you hate or love and I may change how I handle the future recap. Night everyone.
