Hi!
If you didn’t realize
It’s the…
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
The tournament of champions is tonight to declare who is going to the Wrestlemania! Right now it stands KANE, RVD, TRIPS, HBK, BIG SHOW, RIC FLAIR, CARLITO, and our favorite wrestler ever is….. MASTERS!
(NOTE: We only get Round One… eh.. fine.)
Now the Rabble is live in my house!
Also the uncensored version of Candice’s GoDaddy video.. wheee!
Before we begin – I have to address two recent RABBLE bits.
ONE – THE WAN FILES are on a one week hiatus as Dani went to bed before I could get a camera shot of Jenna.
TWO – Penny and I have been in emails about the statement and retort from the Rabble’s own Bill. We both agree that there is no need to continue it. Penny has proven that Bill cannot hold a candle to our own Rabble-Fan in Penny. She and I also went on and discussed one of my favorite feuds of all time – Tito Santana vs. Ric Martel. Bless her heart. Thanks Penny for the goodtimes, and next time we’ll try and give you a challenge worth a damn….. I’ll step up.
Let’s get onto the show though!
Starting in the ring is the former Boobage McTahtah aka Maria in the ring introducing the former WWF Champion – EDGE!
So Edge goes on about how last week Lita hit him in the face with the title belt so next week John Cena has to defend his title against Edge! See Edge is tricky like that.
“So it was a ruse?” – Roommate Randy
“Yes. A ruuuuusssseee…” – Me
So Lita did Edge a favor, and I’m stuck staring between Lita’s flesh drapes and Maria’s adorable vacant look.
“She looks like a hentai character..” – Roommate Randy
“You should be happy to be a former WWE Champion!” – Maria
“I’m going to explain something ok? You take your pretty mouth and introduce my boy as the future WWE champion..” – Lita
“What accent does Lita have?” – Chris
“It’s like Connor MacLeod” – Me
“Felatio?” – Hernandez
Now – HOOOOOOOOOO!!! It’s Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Tough Guy!
“He carries a garden implement?” – Bill
“No, a two by four” – Me
“Did he have a stroke?” – Bill
“Hacksaw – Eugene version one point oh.” – Me
“No no.. George The Animal Steel” – Roommate Randy
So Hacksaw wants to be the guest referee at next weeks main event match. We get a long set-up for a Lita – Hooo joke. All the while, Maria giggles and Edge clubs on Edge. So Edge uses his 2×4 on him.. shocker.
“Boiled in his own puddin'” – Me
“Most gun owners are killed by their own gun… Most Hacksaws are stopped by their own 2×4.” – Chris
So Lita attacks Maria and as Edge sets up for the spear on my precious Maria…
“When did she become yours..” – Hernandez
“Shut up. She’s mine.” – Me
Cena charges and stops it. Now though next is Kane vs. Chris Masters.
“So let me get this straight… Christian is not here.. Chris Masters is?” – Randy
“No, he’s in his own magical land..” – Chris
“CANDY MOUNTAIN!” – Bill (Referencing ‘Charlie The Unicorn’)
COMMERCIAL – 55 Days til Wrestlemania
“RVD” – Hernandez
“The Defenestrator” – Randy
“Masters” – Bill
“Trips or RVD” – Jen
“…I am.” – Dani
“Dani” – Chris
“Does anyone else want to change their vote to Dani.” – Me
“I’m in..” – Bill
“I’m saying Kane!” – Me
“Jim Brunzel” – Randy
KANE vs. MASTERS
ROUND ONE….. FIGHT!
BOOM! KANE IS HERE!
Ooo and Masters…
“Powdered Toast MAAAAAAN” – Bill
Match begins – Kane of course starts off with the big fists, tosses Masters to the ropes and elbows him down. Kane hits the ropes, and drops the elbow for a big ol’ miss.
Masters tosses Kane to the corner and fists in the corner, but Kane throws him down and a big chop to drop him. Neckbreaker from Masters..
“Is Kane Michael Chiklas?” – Randy
Kane charges in on Masters, but eats an elbow – a slam to the corner, then the set-up for the Masterpiece. Kane turns around and hits him – sideslam. Top rope from Kane annnnddd Masters catches the arm and fights for the Masterlock and gets snapmared down. Chokeslam set-up and Masters thumbs his eye.
“Masters does spirit fingers!” – Bill
Masterslock set-up – Kane drops, and kicks up sending Masters to the corner. Kane charges in and Masters drops Kane.. grabs the ropes… JUST LIKE THAT?!?!?!? Dammit.
WINNER: CHRISH MASHTERSHH
In the back Edge wants Lita to the special guest referee.
“I think it should be Noah Chomski..” – Roommate Mike out of nowhere.
Lita pushes herself on Vinnie.
“You would pimp out your own girlfriend to gain an edge in a championship match? I find that…. well admirable.” – Vince
So Lita & Edge will be in a match with Cena & Maria to decide the special guest ref next week. Coming next is Ashley….
“She’s wearing three layers.. none of them covering anything.” – Bill
COMMERCIAL – 420 days until Wrestlemania 23!
Now here comes Trish! Wearing a hotter ref outfit…. lil black white vest.. lil pink strings… let’s see how lechery works tonight!
Here comes Ashley looking all full of spine breasts and UFO pants.
“Do you think they pulled her into a room and showed her a picture of Lita and said that ‘we are going to market you like this…” – Dani
And here comes Micki wearing her little schoolgirl it… and I have to say that Trish is winning tonight
“You haven’t seen Candice yet, have you?” – Dani
“Nope…” – Me
So the match begins and we go right to fists. Mickie gets the upperhand. Ashley tosses Micke, she runs in and there is a set-up for the headscissors and Ashley drops her. Ashley tosses Mickey to the ropes – Trish gets hit by a flying Mickey, Ashley hits the roll-up.
Easy Peasy Shitty Matchy…
WINNER: ASHLEY
“Oooo Mickey don’t make that face..” – Bill
“Wow, shades of Jazz…” – Me
COMMERCIAL – 785 days until Wrestlemania 24!
During the commercials we missed the Spirit Squad! DAMMIT!
“They are the worse cheerleaders ever! .. I love them!” – Dani
So in the back Mickey James apologizes but Trish is here with a date.. the ugliest man ever.
“This is to make all of middle America think they have a chance.” – Me
“Single White Female anyone?” – Dani
So Shelton shows up wheeling out his mother and they discuss all the wrestlers calling Shelton a Mama’s Boy. Shelton leaves for a moment, only to get interrupted by .. err… EUGENE!
“MY NAME IESSSS EUGENE!” – Eugene
“I’m from DEETOX!” – Hernandez
“I saw your movie.. Big Mama Rules!” – Eugene
“Annnnd KA-CHING.” – Bill
Shelton comes back and Mama screams that Shelton gets smacked for leaving him with all those dumb ass cracker ass crackahs! He gives her her oxygen and that’s that.
“That’s not oxygen.. that’s a cheezewhiz mask.” – Bill
COMMERCIAL – 1150 days until Wrestlemania 25!
Now at 9:43.. there is NO way they are doing all seven matches tonight…
THYME IS A REALLY NICE HERB!
Five minutes later…. Here comes Ric.
“Two of the longest entries in wrestling.. can we call this match on entrance alone?” – Hernandez
“Ric? Liberace called – he wants his robe back.” – Chris
“Let’s just end this and go to the forums..” – Hernandez
RIC vs. TRIPS
MATCH TWO……. FIGHT!
“Oh my god, you can see Ric decomposing!” – Chris
“Embalming fluids…” – Jenna
They lock up, toss to the ropes and some hiptosses and a headlock takedown from Flair. Trips fights to the corner. A punch that gets blocked and Ric chops the hell out of Trips. Tosses Hunter to the ropes and kneelift. Tosses Hunter to the ropes, and Ric throws him over the—
“COMMERCIAL!” – Hernandez
—ropes.
COMMERCIAL
“Remember when they used to fight outside the ring?” – Chris
Back in the ring… Ric is on top. Punches from Flair… fists to the gut.
“They should have a broken hip match.” – Chris
“His can’t break ANY MORE!” – Jen
“
Hunter hits an out of nowhere spinebuster.. then big fists… knee drop…
“It’s all about the lame.” – Bill
Kneedrop makes contact… and Triple H, in shades of Curt Henning, still chewing his gum. He comes in and tries to break him open the hardway…. Ric comes out swinging!!!! And then Flairflops.
“ACTING!” – Me
Standing delay suplex on Flair…. still gets a two count.
“Flair just stays still..” – Bill
“It’s because he’s preserved..” – Chris
“SMUCKERS Preserves…” – Me
They get to their feet, and somehow Flair gets some balls and some chops… tosses Hunter to the ropes, but a neckbreaker… note – a BAD neckbreaker and a BAD snapmare.
“What was that?” – Chris
“Kind of a snapmare with all that snap..” – Hernandez
“It was like putting a baby to sleep.” – Chris
So Trips goes for the figure four – and kicked out into the corner. They go back and forth for a bit.. wheee? Trips hits the top turnbuckle – goes for the fistdrop, but eats a boot to the chin instead… and Flair clips the leg.
“OW THE QUAD!” – Hernandez
Now Flair goes to the top… but Hunter runs in – THUMB TO THE EYE…. a missed doubleaxe.
“A grazing clothesline at best..” – Chris
The digital feeddrop and we go to black screen.
“Ahh.. what a relief.” – Chris
“SKYNET!” – Bill
Back in the match Flair has Hunter in the figure four….. Trips is fighting for it….. FINALLY hits the ropes to drop the figure four. Chops now from Ric. Ric ‘ahem’ unintentionally hits the ref – then lowblows Trips…. hit to the ropes, Pedigree. End. ……rah…….
WINNER, WE ARE ALL SHOCKED… NO SERIOUSLY.. i’m lying: HUNTER
Now — the uncensored Candice commercial… and I’m left yawning.
“CHA-CHING!” – Hernandez
In the back… Cena is tying her laces and Maria comes in wearing a satiny lil heady bit and SHE WINS! So Maria starts talking… ‘andthenidontwannagoinandlitahitmeandohmygodjamiethinksi’mtotallyhotandohmygod!’ and then Cena kisses her. Not a bad kiss either…
“Holy shit let me just tittyf*ck you..” – Chris
“Cena’s tits aren’t that great Chris..” – Me
So the kiss ends and Maria looks pensive.
“..tastes like.. fritters..” – Bill
Maria is adorable, and she wins tonight. As a matter of fact, due to her adorable little ‘o’ face.. she retroactively wins for last week too.
“Forever” – Chris
COMMERCIAL
Now it’s time for the BIIG SHOW!
“THe world’s jiggliest man” – Chris
“Make me spell ‘jiggliest…'” – Me
And now it’s time for the boytoy.
“Shawn dedicates this match to the ghost of Rey Mysterio” – Me
Hey now it’s time for Big Vinnie!
“Gimme special guest ref Shane!” – Me
“Shawn Shawn Shawn…. I just gotta tell you..” – VInce
“..your wife’s dead.” – Hernandez
“Shane’s not here.” – Vince
“Damn!” – Me
So Vince discusses how Shawn can’t leave his contract due to breach… but Vince has changed his mind. He will let Shawn walk out on his contract. He in fact.. insists that Shawn walk. Next week there will be a Shawn Michaels Retirement Party! They will sign the contracts. It’s mandatory.
“Since you are gonna retire next week Shawn…” – Vince (pausing for You Suck chants)
Vince repeats himself three times.
“Awww Alzheimers…” – Hernandez
“It’s nice to see it come to us each week..” – Chris
So anyway, since he’s retiring, he is out of this match… there’s been a change-up!
AIN’T NO STOPPING ME NOWWWW!
“YES!” – Me
COMMERCIAL – 3705 days until Wrestlemania 32
“Is this replacing the suck game?” – Hernandez
SHOW vs. SHELTY
Already in progress….
Big Show chops Shelty down. Tosses him to the ropes.. and Benjamin jumps and leaps.. and is caught! Throws him into the corner and heaves Benjamin onto the top turnbuckle. Chops him again!
SIGN: WE WANT STONE COLD
“..just that guy.” – Me
Shelton gets off the turnbuckle and drops to the outside, catching Show across the neck. In the ring.. Shelton hits the top rope and the big spinning heel.
“OH! RIGHT IN HIS MOUTH!” – Hernandez
“..in the mush…” – Me
Top rope bulldog from Shelty – but then Show gets up and SLAMS Shelton down. He is about to hit the ropes, but Shelty’s mom stops him. Shelton charges him and throws Show out of the ring… Shelton hits the apron and Show catches him with a fist then press slams him INTO the ring.
Shelton’s Mom hits Show… and he turns around swinging aimlessly… ‘don’t.. touch me’.
“HEARTATTACK!” – Hernandez
And in fact… Shelton’s mom grabs her chest and falls over.
“She’s the same size standing up as she is lying down” – Hernandez
“She’s a perfect cube.” – Bill
So Show hits the chokeslam and the win.
WINNER: BIG SHOW
Show then sees what his yelling has wrought and his face is priceless. The EMTs show up and cut off her shirt.
“WE CAN’T GET TO HER HEART!” – Chris
“There’s a layer of butter!” – Me
“And a bag of Oreos?” – Bill
Shelty charges out and pushes the EMTs out of the way.
“Get out of the way you trained EMTS! I can help!” – Bill
COMMERCIAL – 6570 days until Wrestlemania 50
So during the commercial break Shelton’s Mom was placed.. well.. heaved onto a stretcher.
“That’s three hernias..” – Hernandez
“It’s a shoot” – Chris
Now in the back… Carlito
“Carlito, unaffected by Shelton’s Mom” – Chris
“..das cool..” – Hernandez
Todd asks Carlito about RVD. Carlito speaks in spanish…
“English?” – Todd
“DO YOU SPEAK IT!” – Me
Carlito bibbles on.
“He sounds like the chiuaua from Oliver & Company.” – Jenna
Now an Eddie Guerrero commercial for Rey Rey.
“Thanks for letting us make money off of you” – Chris
This whole Eddie bit is just disgusting. I’m not even going discuss it.
RVD vs. CARLITO
RVD wins…
RVD comes in.. Carlito bails. RVD runs out the otherside of the ring and clotheslines him before they even get in the ring.
“Run for the border Carlito…” – Hernandez
Rvd tosses Carlito in and the match begins. Carlito and Rob go fist to fist and a dropkick sends Carlito RIGHT back out. Sets Carlito on the outside row…. RVD hits the apron and LEGDROP right onto Carlito.. nice.
Oh! Hey!
COMMERCIAL – 28,525 days til Wrestlemania 100
What is the main event at Wrestlemania 100?
“THE MEGA XL6 versus Triple H” – Me
“Hulk Hogan’s Run vs. Cowboy Bebop Orton” – Bill
“Triple H’s great great grandson vs. Triple H” – Jenna
“Special Cryogenic Guest: Vince McMahon” – Hernandez
“Matt Hardy version 7.0 versus Spiderman 2099” – Bill
Back in the ring…. Carlito hits a dropkick. Chokes RVD on the ropes a bit. You know, standard stuff… Chinlock. RVD gets to his feet – elbows out of it… dropkick to the front of Carlito’s leg.. or.. err. his knee.. Drops RIGHT on his face… corkscrew legdrop and then TWO Rolling Thunders!
TWO COUNT! Front slam! Split leg Moonsault… Carlito gets the legs up and rolls up with the tights. TWO! Bodyscissors from RVD for two! Carlito HITS THE TOP ROPES! TOP ROPE TO SECOND ROPE CORKSCREW DROP onto RVD! WOW!
“All this time…. Carlito knew how to wrestle?!” – Bill
“No he’s just like a monkey – he’s our new Koko” – Jenna
Carlito hits his backbreaker and RVD takes it like a DREAM!
“RVD takes a backbreaker and turns it into a neckbump?!” – Hernandez
Carlito runs out – and runs in with a chair to set up for aaaaa… VANDAMINATOR!
Five Star Splash
“whydoidothis whydoidothis?” – Me
THAT – IS – THAT!
WINNER: RVD
“Carlito showing a bit of sauce tonight!” – Me
And online the voters are saying RVD is going to win the tournament.
“Sadly, they are all wrong!” – Me
COMMERCIAL
In the back Edge is walking out with Lita….
WE THINK WE KNOW YOU!
WE KNOW YOU ALRIGHT!
So The Champ Is Heere! And Maria struts and runs back to the other sides of the top corner. And Maria makes an AWESOME valet as Hernandez comments. I cannot comment on how lusting for Maria I am at this very moment. And just in case Dani reads this tomorrow.. I’m not. Totally flacid.
Edge & Lita vs. Cena & Maria!
I watch Maria the entire match…. the match…
Edge charges on Cena… but Cena reverses and hits a HUGE suplex. Edge throws Cena into the corner – and Edge tags Maria into Cena. He tosses Cena to the outside, and Maria is TECHNICALLY the legal person in as Edge tosses Cena into the stairs.
Edge tags in Lita, and walks over to hold the ropes open for Maria to come in the ring. Lita grabs her by the hair and over the toprope she goes.
Maria on all fours…
“Yep, that’s the shot.” – Hernandez
Lita chokes Maria on the buttom rope.. ha.. butt-om.
“Edge is planning out his next affair.” – Hernandez
“I’m planning my first one.” – Me
Lita knees Maria in the face… Russian legsweep from Lita. Maria gets into the corner and as Lita charges Maria ducks and tags in Cena!
Clothesline – Shouldercheck – Spinning powerbomb. As Cena’s going for the knuckleshuffle Lita taps him on the shoulder. Edge grabs Cena and she hits the top rope – leaps…. Cena OUT OF THE WAY – Lita hits the hurricanrana! Nicely actually.
Edge charges for spear, but Cena ducks and HITS the spear on Lita! Maria blindtags in and MAKES THE PIN!
WINNER: CENA & MARIA
So now Cena announces his Special Ref for next week… he didn’t want to be presumptious.. but he wanted someone who is a bit… Hardcore!
Oh and there’s the car crash…
It’s FOLEY-TIME!
“Bang me… I mean.. Bang Bang!” – Me
Foley does the ‘you can’t see me’ and we’re out.
“He was trying to figure out the invisibility.” – Bill
So there you go, a midline Raw.. not disgusting.. but not fantastic.
So what did the Rabble think?
“Not so bad… AMAZING!” – Chris
“Wasn’t bad at all… it was something.” – Jenna
“I feel a bit cheated, not the whole tournament.. but Carlito made up for it” – Hernandez
“There was that good Maria vibe. Show sucked. Maria ruled.” – Bill
“Tonight’s MVPs: Carlito, RVD, and Ave’ Maria” – Me
That’s all though – so you guys have a wonderful night.
