“Hey, kids, welcome to the debut of The Bootleg. I’ll do my best to cover all genres as fairly and as accurately as possible. I’ll mix in a little commentary, too, but I’ll try to keep it balanced by taking shots at everyone. I’m still working on the format for this column, so bear with me.”
–Aaron Cameron, February 14, 2003″¦
Welcome back to The Bootleg. So, after three years”¦around 150 columns”¦and more than “a little commentary”, can I ask y’all to bear with me one last time?
Week in and week out, my most favorite thing about The Bootleg were these nonsensical, non-music intros that served simply as a self-deprecating window to my world. And, while I sincerely appreciated any feedback that The Bootleg brought in, nothing brought me more pleasure than when one of you wrote to tell me you could relate to something in my column.
This is the last Friday Music News Bootleg. When the first one ran, I’d been married for three months. This past November, we celebrated three years. And, from my wife’s pregnancy to two years of fatherhood, you guys have let me share everything with you.
These intros have told tales of bad days at work and worse nights in bars. There have been wacky anecdotes detailing cross-country business trips or what I might’ve had for breakfast. Hell, time and space permitting, we even made room for some music news.
Somehow”¦someway, this conceptual car wreck worked.
So, I say “thank you” to everyone who ever gave me a few minutes of their Fridays. And, “thank you” to anyone who ever took the time to e-mail or IM their thoughts, opinions or (my favorite) their own obscure references. “Thank you” for all the first-time feedback I’ve received over the last six weeks, which has included some of the nicest, coolest and most complimentary comments that a hack like me could ever hope to read.
Thank you for allowing me to let this six-minute skit run for 36 months.
Oh, and before I forget”¦to this day, there remains a behind-the-scenes segment who insist that personal blogs and music columns just don’t mix. They say that no one gives a sh*t about my kid, my wife or anything else about my life.
So, to them, The Goodness would like to say f*ck you“¦actually, I’d like to say thanks to them, too. Y’all have been wrong for three long years and that fact alone is funnier to me than anything I could ever write.
And, besides”¦my readers can kick your readers’ collective ass.
Segway! (sic) Now, I really don’t want this column to turn into one of those schmaltzy over-sentimental sendoffs, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t thank m’man Nick Salemi for everything he’s done for The Bootleg, too. If you’ve ever laughed out loud at something in this space, chances are I stole it from him. He’s a great writer, a good friend to the entire Bootleg Family (even the wife!) and the funniest man I’ve ever met. (Cue up 50 Cent on the intro of Patiently Waiting)”¦
The MFWNTAK started as a lazy fill-in column for my usual routine. One and done, I figured, then back to the Bootleg beat the following week. Those inaugural inductees pulled in more feedback than any other Bootleg feature and prompted a follow-up column the next week which”¦well, let’s just say it’s held up well.
Since then, it’s come back from time-to-time, whenever annoyance and ignorance have intersected with the rich and the famous. So, me and Nick nominated one last batch of bastards who fit the description of Muthaf*ckas Who Need They Ass Kicked”¦
Aaron: We’ve kicked his ass once before, but it obviously didn’t take. His Flavor of Love reality show is eradicating all of the gains that dark-skinned bruthas like Samkon Gado and Emeka Okafor have made in the last few”¦well, since last month.
Nick: Alright, so we already clowned his ass a while back but, SOMEHOW he milked the Surreal Life into his own ghetto Bachelor show, thus extending his month to month lease on life. Maybe it was a 2 year service plan with a $175 deactivation fee. Whatever the case, what can the “contestants” possibly say during their intros”¦”Flav’s 15 kids, crack habit and the fact that he lives on the 1 and 9 subway train were a little intimidating. But he WAS the hype man for an important group in hip hop history, so I’ll give him a chance.” Cant Truss It. No no no no.
Aaron: Rick Moranis was nominated for a Grammy? I don’t care if the category was “comedy” album, it’s still”¦wait a minute. Rick Moranis and “comedy” in the same sentence? Did none of you see The Flintstones? Of course, you didn’t.
Nick: Wow, U2, Mariah Carey and Kelly Clarkson were winners. That’s huge for them. I predict winning those awards will give them the exposure they need to rocket into superstardom. Couldn’t they have found a way to give Will Smith an award too? He’s SO ENTERTAINING! Music AND movies!
Aaron: So, I ordered from their website a few times and now I’m “reminded” of every upcoming holiday, real or fake, via their mailing list. If I order before Valentine’s Day, I can send a half-dozen roses to Mrs. Bootleg for only $499.
Nick: Neglecting your girl? What better way to make her feel special than to have dead plants delivered to her while she’s working. It only seems like you’re just clicking your mouse to send $70 worth of flowers. They actually charge you, too. Bastards. Although the extra $20 in “service” fees probably is worth avoiding the awkward trip to the florist.
Aaron: Annoyingly energetic, this 30-minute meal mule obviously ain’t got no job or no kids, so she actually has time to cook. And, I dare anyone to find another woman with a greater mosquito bite boob-to-gigantic ass ratio than her.
Nick: What, you’ve never watched the Food network? 30-minute meals! If you’ve ever had the hankering for a 16-inch thick Monte Cristo sandwich at 12AM, Rachael’s your girl. Just watching her do an inadvertent Buddy the Elf impression by pouring syrup over the entire sandwich is a sight to behold. Speaking of thick, if she’s wearing black there’s more junk in the trunk than butter in her dishes, and believe me that’s a lot. YUM-O!
Aaron: Here’s a thought, The Rock”¦maybe moviegoers would take you seriously if your first name wasn’t an article. I’m not saying he’s overrated as an actor, but when you’re upstaged by the boy who played “Stifler””¦ Is there anyone outside the IWC who thinks he’ll be acting outside of a ring in five years?
Nick: It pains me to list one of the greatest performers of all time here but let’s face it, he’s running out of video games to adapt to movies. If I see “This summer the Rock as Sonic the Hedgehog in Fatal Destiny” I’m going to Rock Bottom myself through a table. How many chances do you get to make a decent movie? Pauly Shore received five and now he gets free room and board in exchange for disinfecting the grotto every morning at Hef’s mansion. So, there’s always hope.
Aaron: OK, so they’re actually the “well-known publication” I referenced a few weeks back that “didn’t work out” on the job front. Bitter? Nah”¦ Besides, by the time it hits newsstands, everything in it is from eight months ago. Kind of like every other Bill Simmons column.
Nick: Hey it’s 2006, how about another cover featuring Bob Dylan, the Beatles, Jim Morrison, Neil Young and anyone else they mistakenly dictate as relevant to the current music audience. We get it, the 60s rocked. It’s time to move on. Who edits that rag, my dad? And why does it seem like is printed on used circuit city fliers? Maybe I’ll sign up for a subscription to Circus and Hit Parader instead.
Aaron: Did he really say that ESPN’s Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith was one of the defining sports and societal events of 2005? Hell, at least the late Ralph Wiley could slump against the streetlamp of senility. Any brutha named after a 1930’s cub reporter deserves a beatdown.
Nick: I’m not touching this. The last ESPN writer we deemed that needed they ass kicked…uh, died. So, well let’s not get into it.
Ok…John Clayton! John Clayton! John Clayton!
Aaron: Old”¦thinks she’s still attractive”¦how come she’s not on Desperate Housewives? Her ongoing feud with Omarosa in The Surreal Life somehow turned an out-of-work and unwashed Bronson Pinchot into a sympathetic figure. Queen of the Harpies, this one is. Here’s your crown, your majesty!
Nick: Father time has dealt her most of the ass kicking anyway”¦a constant BAC of .3 and enough cocaine in her system to make Sosa cringe, probably provided a violent shove into her looking like a demon as well. She claims to be the “first supermodel”. I think Studio 54 ran their electricity through her nostrils. Hey models, pay attention this can be you too one day. Pick up her book where she describes her lifelong struggle of achieving perfection (honest). That’s of course if you think perfection getting turned out by everyone in the 80s.
Aaron: New rule”¦when you get to be 50 and you’re dating African-American strippers/video hoes, it’s time for an intervention. And, seriously, how about some variety with those guests on his show? Can’t we just give Arianna Huffington the perennial center square like Bruce Villanch, since she’s always inexplicably available?
Nick: Is it politically incorrect to have no discernable fan base and have a show for that long? Sadly, the previously mentioned Pauly Shore is stuck cleaning up after him and Rob Schneider at the mansion. Yuck.
Aaron: Outkast, The Roots, A Tribe Called Quest”¦I get it, already. White folk love these guys, thereby making them “eclectic” or “eccentric” or “electric” or something. How a group that dropped My Humps is untouchable by the music media at large is beyond me.
Nick: Maybe they don’t need their asses kicked as much as “Brandon” who works in the music department at Best Buy who insists in filing their CD in the hip-hop/rap section. It’s the rap version of No Doubt…hey, we’re in the hot chick’s group.
Aaron: For those of you who don’t follow baseball, Epstein quit as Red Sox boy wonder GM around Halloween ’05. Then, he was rehired a few months later. This was considered “news” on ESPN, throughout New England and pretty much no place else on earth. Not convinced he deserves an ass-kickin’? He’s also in his 30s and dabbles in an indie band.
Nick: The boy genius is gone, he’s back, everything is right again. Is the Sox nation maybe a little TOO close with their on again off again GM? It’s getting creepy guys, give it a rest. I hear Peter Gammons made him move to the bottom bunk.
Nick: Attention DJ I Live with My Mom AKA “Mixtapekilla35” if you’re going to rip me off can you not send me a CD R with a smudged inkjet scanned copy of the cover and a track listing typed in Word on the other side of it. Just keep the f*cking disc with the money. There’s more dignity in that.
Nick: Lower life form – male cheerleaders or these guys? It’s actually a hybrid of gymnastics and male cheerleaders, neither of which is a sport. So why do I have to watch this at the halftime of basketball games? I’ll take the jackass on the unicycle juggling over guys jumping on trampolines and giving each other uncomfortable high fives and group hugs.
Aaron: How hard is it to just watch the damn show, people? “Hey, Hurley took 42 steps before his back-fat collapsed on itself! See, it’s another clue!” I loves me some Lost, but there’s no way the real answers can ever live up to the hype. And, I’ll give you three guesses who’ll be the fickle first few on the internet within minutes, registering their disgust throughout the world.
Aaron: No more passes, Dave. I saw you on Oprah and from the looks of it”¦hell, you were in Half-Baked, I think you know where I’m going with this. So, you want half of Chappelle’s Show DVD money to go to Hurricane Katrina victims and then you’ll consider coming back to your own damn show? Good to see Comedy Central moving ahead with the three episode third season of your show. That should just about piss away the last bit of goodwill and fan following that it took you two days and a catchphrase to build up in the first place.
Nick’a Please
conceptualized by Nick Salemi
Bootleg RIP?
In closing of the final (sob) Bootleg I just wanted to thank Aaron for letting me bring you my thoughts in Nicka Please for the past few years on a semi-regular basis. Whether reviewing CDs or straight clownin like MFWNTAK, I just tried to have fun and not take myself too seriously. AJC is a funny dude and I always looked forward to Fridays to see how he dealt with the week’s absurdities. Where will the weekly dose come from? I have a feeling you haven’t heard the last from him. Maybe I’ll pop up somewhere too. Until then”¦As Nate said”¦
How long will they mourn me
I wish it could have been another
How long will they mourn my brother”¦”¦..?
Have you heard that this is the last Bootleg? Well, before we turn off all the lights (save for the one in the upstairs bathroom that white folk think will deter burglars from breaking in, because “someone must be home”) it’s time to get rid of the excess running joke references that I’ve accumulated along the way.
And, who else to help me divvy up all of this obscure Bootleg booty, than Movie Joe Reid? Or, as Mrs. Bootleg refers to him when it’s 11:30 PM and I’m still on IM with him,
“Wait, he’s the one that’s not Nick, right?”
Joe is the best writer that I ever shared space with on either 411 or Inside Pulse. Ironically enough, he was arguably unappreciated at the former, while his services (or, more specifically, his “news style”) were outright rejected with the latter.
These days there are people smart enough to pay him for his boundless talent, but it took someone even smarter to get him to work in this column for free!
Still, whenever we tag teamed for one of our collabos, I felt like the “Mr. Plow” to his “Plow King”. Sure, I may have the cool jacket”¦but, he’s got Linda Ronstadt.
So, if you were into our 1989 New York Yankees casting call“¦or were among the one who was offended by our 411/IP Draft“¦or if you had no idea how to tell Regina Hall and Regina King apart, prior to Black Actress Survivor“¦then, I’m sure you’ll enjoy:
Joe Movies: So, are you up for the big draft tonight, then?
That Bootleg Guy: Let’s do this thang…
That Bootleg Guy: I just needs me some ground rules”¦
That Bootleg Guy: However…
That Bootleg Guy: We need to address The Simpsons up front, in some manner”¦
Joe Movies: Okay, ground rules as to that: The Simpsons, The Critic, Oz, and NBC sitcoms from the 1980s cannot be taken as whole entities. They have to be taken bit by bit (a character here, a storyline there)”¦
That Bootleg Guy: Interesting, interesting…however to preclude all our picks being references to Oz, for example, we should limit it to no more than one apiece or one for the both of us to fight over?
Joe Movies: I am consciously limiting myself in that regard, just so you know”¦
Joe Movies: How many picks apiece?
That Bootleg Guy: How’s ’bout 10…it worked well for the 411/IP Draft and comes to 20 total for the two of us?
Joe Movies: Home field advantage, dude. You first.
That Bootleg Guy: inhale
That Bootleg Guy: OK…got it.
Joe Movies: Serve it up.
That Bootleg Guy: In a mild surprise, I’m calling “Oz and the craphole that was their sixth and final season.”
That Bootleg Guy: …if only for the “This wasn’t as bad as….” reference possibilities.
Joe Movies: Yeah, it’s pretty all-purpose.
Joe Movies: You of course leave the Oz “aging pills” storyline debacle wide open.
That Bootleg Guy: Plus, I get ALL the in-season subplots like the anthrax, the nonsensical deaths of Minister Said, Warden Glynn…etc.
Joe Movies: You do get the GQ photo shoot, though”¦
That Bootleg Guy: “¦and closure on where Luke Perry was hiding all those months.
Joe Movies: Where his career had been hiding, at least.
Joe Movies: Okay, me?
Joe Movies: I think of this as more of a favor to you than anything else. Kimberly Jones.
Joe Movies: aka
Joe Movies: Lil Kim.
That Bootleg Guy: GODDAMMIT
That Bootleg Guy: This is not happening…this is NOT happening”¦
Joe Movies: Think of this as a liberation.
Joe Movies: You’re finally free! Kim’s got no hold on you anymore.
Joe Movies: You finally know how to quit her!
Joe Movies: Now, it makes me have to think of synonyms for “zaftig.”
That Bootleg Guy: But, there’ll be cameras there when she’s released from prison…it won’t be the same without my snarky over-played commentary on her physical appearance”¦
That Bootleg Guy: Arrgh…I feel like I just drafted Sam Bowie
Joe Movies: Yeah, season six probably would’ve fell a few spots.
That Bootleg Guy: Fine. I’ll get thru this. But, with a heavy heart…not as heavy as Lil’…ah, damn it!
Joe Movies: Sorry, that’ll cost ya now.
That Bootleg Guy: ‘K…my second-round pick…
That Bootleg Guy: I’m calling ALL of the light-skinned Cosby Show Kids INCLUDING Sondra’s permed-out husband, Elvin, and Raven-Symone who, these days, is built like a young D-Lo Brown.
That Bootleg Guy: Theo, Rudy and Vanessa are still available”¦
Joe Movies: I don’t even know what to do with that.
Joe Movies: Wait, are you taking all of Denise’s braids from the just-back-from-Africa era, too?
That Bootleg Guy: Yes…and her bizarre brightly colored and flowing kung-fu like attire from the time
Joe Movies: I think MC Hammer lived INSIDE her pant leg for a time.
Joe Movies: Okay, so me.
Joe Movies: With my second pick, I am selecting …
Joe Movies: Arnold and Dudley getting almost-molested by the Maytag repairman.
That Bootleg Guy: GODDAMMIT
That Bootleg Guy: (again)
That Bootleg Guy: And what’s with this run on all-black references?
That Bootleg Guy: I mean, I know it’s February, but still…
Joe Movies: Again, maybe now you can find new ways to talk about the pain of childhood sexual abuse.
That Bootleg Guy: Well, it’s not like I can select “every episode of Law & Order: SVU ever made”.
That Bootleg Guy: (the non-Ice T years, of course)
That Bootleg Guy: Alright…I’ve got my #3 pick…
That Bootleg Guy: …and in the spirit of the just-completed Super Bowl, I call all future references to Janet Jackson’s veiny, naked boobie. (NWS!)
Joe Movies: Does eminent domain cover the rest of her rapidly expanding frame? Or is that too much to ask of eminent domain?
Joe Movies: Okay, so I am probably reaching here, but I’m gonna go with Sarah Jessica Horseface as my #3.
That Bootleg Guy: I’m told Sarah comes with all juxtaposed imagery of her and TV’s Quick Draw McGraw, too…
Joe Movies: Yes. And, also Lisa Leslie.
That Bootleg Guy: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, speaking of Lisa…at #4, I call:
That Bootleg Guy: The Women of Saved By The Bell!
Joe Movies: Ooh!
That Bootleg Guy: Including the rights to Leah Remini’s “Stacey Carosi””¦
Joe Movies: Between the Cosby Caucasians and this pick, you are swimmin’ in women.
That Bootleg Guy: Not sure if this comes with the rights to the Jessie Spano “addicted to speed” storyline, though”¦
Joe Movies: It’s not worth picking if it doesn’t.
Joe Movies: It also comes with Lisa Turtle’s shoulder pads.
Joe Movies: Which I believe Slater used in a pinch for a football game in one episode.
That Bootleg Guy: Oddly enough, I’ve never mocked the ONE episode where Zack and Lisa share a forbidden kiss”¦
Joe Movies: That was the weirdest, most out of nowhere plot twist ever.
That Bootleg Guy: I think Mathan’s head might explode if I ever explored that one
Joe Movies: Ha!
That Bootleg Guy: Oh, and I also get Tori’s combat boots
That Bootleg Guy: Man, good thing they (sic) my size”¦
Joe Movies: With my fourth pick, I am gonna hit you where you live.
Joe Movies: “Besos”
That Bootleg Guy: !!!
Joe Movies: I don’t think I have to say much more than that.
Joe Movies: So, you’re just gonna have to find another way to stick it to the former employer.
That Bootleg Guy: ‘K, I’m taking a relative rookie with my #5:
That Bootleg Guy: “Heather Mills McCartney’s prosthetic leg and insufferable sense of self-worth”.
That Bootleg Guy: “¦package deal.
Joe Movies: F*CK!!
Joe Movies: I was so close to taking her with the last pick
That Bootleg Guy: I’m taking her mostly because I’m so mad at taking so long to discover this veritable gold mine of comedy.
That Bootleg Guy: Besides, I really want a window seat on my way to hell and that should pretty much seal the deal.
Joe Movies: All right. Before you jump right in and steal this one from me, too …
Joe Movies: Wesley Snipes in Too Wong Foo
Joe Movies: So, start finding someone else to compare Angela Bassett to.
That Bootleg Guy: Well, if memory serves, you were the first to draw those comic book comparisons between Angela & She-Hulk
Joe Movies: Angela mad!
Joe Movies: Angela SMASH!
That Bootleg Guy: Actually, I should be thanking you for taking Wong Foo Wesley, as he’s the second ugliest man-as-a-woman image in entertainment history”¦
That Bootleg Guy: Fortunately, my #6 is still number one on that list…
That Bootleg Guy: Fantasia Barrino, American Idol
Joe Movies: Damn you!
Joe Movies: That’s two in a row, ass.
That Bootleg Guy: Jughead mine…Jughead MINE!
That Bootleg Guy: Thought for sure you were gonna take her at #5″¦
Joe Movies: I should have.
Joe Movies: Snipes would have been around later.
Joe Movies: Okay, my #6 …
Joe Movies: “Comparing Macy Gray to Dennis Johnson“
Joe Movies: You haven’t done it in forever, so maybe you won’t miss it.
Joe Movies: It’s so perfect.
That Bootleg Guy: Right down to their matching orange afros”¦
That Bootleg Guy: Then, I’ve gotta match your sleeper with one of my own, for my #7 pick:
That Bootleg Guy: “Halle Berry’s son/buffalo in Monster’s Ball“
Joe Movies: That’s a good pick.
That Bootleg Guy: Haven’t used it in forever, but 300-pound 10 year olds should not go unmocked”¦
That Bootleg Guy: The scene where she beats him after he hides the candy was hee-larious…
That Bootleg Guy: Like she was hitting an Escalade”¦
Joe Movies: Okay, my #7? Right?
Joe Movies: I will choose a reference not made all that often, but worth its weight in gold … Red Sonja
That Bootleg Guy: Outstanding!
That Bootleg Guy: And, it’s ’80s, too!
Joe Movies: And, you Love the 80s!
That Bootleg Guy: Now that’s what I call segue…right into my #8 selection:
That Bootleg Guy: The Golden Girls.
Joe Movies: Good call!
Joe Movies: You can still bitch about Sexy Blanche Deveraux
That Bootleg Guy: …and still be afraid of Big Bea Arthur
Joe Movies: Dorothy Mad!
Joe Movies: Dorothy Smash!
Joe Movies: Okay, mine …
Joe Movies: It’s an obscure one, but I’m taking “Mrs. Pommelhorse”
That Bootleg Guy: I had that as my #2 Simpsons reference in case you lifted my #1″¦
Joe Movies: It’s such a handy reference.
Joe Movies: Any time you’re figuratively left hanging”¦
That Bootleg Guy: Well, I probably should thank you for your continued serving of follow-up draft picks…
That Bootleg Guy: For my #9 pick, I, too, am taking a Simpsons reference…
That Bootleg Guy: An all-time Joe Reid favorite…
That Bootleg Guy: Where can you find it…?
That Bootleg Guy: “IT’S IN REVELATIONS, PEOPLE!”
Joe Movies: Niiiiice”¦
That Bootleg Guy: It comes with the Kent Brockman/cuckoo technical difficulties slide, too”¦
Joe Movies: Oh, that is a STEAL then.
Joe Movies: That’s another all-purpose one. Great for awkward pauses.
That Bootleg Guy: Plus, it gives me one last eternal dig at Mitch Michaels”¦
Joe Movies: Which is necessary.
Joe Movies: Even if he has dissolved into tiny Christian particles by now.
That Bootleg Guy: Careful…not unlike Robert Patrick in T2, he’ll just gel back together”¦
Joe Movies: With my number nine, I’m taking the sullen, silent S. Epatha Merkerson. Who, by the way, if you put a dress on her and give her a trophy? Silent no more!
That Bootleg Guy: Gotta go out with a bang, then with my #10…
That Bootleg Guy: This selection might be fodder for a future Moodspins column, but f*ck it…
That Bootleg Guy: I call Mathan.
Joe Movies: WOW
Joe Movies: So, you now own … you’ve just acquired … I cannot finish any of these sentences!
Joe Movies: I feel horrible. Like I should go and direct Mississippi Burning or something to atone.
That Bootleg Guy: You think he’ll be more pissed that he was “selected” or that he was selected 10th?
Joe Movies: It’s a MASSIVE INSULT either way.
Joe Movies: Ask him yourself.
Joe Movies: “Listen, Mathan. You’re gonna hear a lot of wild rumors …”
That Bootleg Guy: “Don’t worry Math…I’ll let you live in the house.”
Joe Movies: Okay, before I pick my #10, may I just present a few that will be missing the cut?
That Bootleg Guy: Gots to”¦
Joe Movies: Okay, so I am sacrificing the following: El Pollo Loco, Keisha Knight Pulliam, Jiggy Walker, the “mammy” incident, Nick Salemi, Steve Coogan, and the seminal sitcom Out All Night.
That Bootleg Guy: Whilst I came this close to cornering the Cosby market with “the entire cast of A Different World“, Keisha Knight Pulliam’s mustache, Cecily Tyson and the “sloth” victim from Seven
Joe Movies: So with my final pick, I’m hitting you where you live.
Joe Movies: #10: Mrs. Bootleg.
That Bootleg Guy: HOLY SH*T!
Joe Movies: “And it was then that Aaron retired from writing. For he had no material.”
That Bootleg Guy: “What’d you write about me this week?”
That Bootleg Guy: “Nothing. A white guy from Buffalo owns your rights.”
Joe Movies: Ha!
That Bootleg Guy: And it’s a total domino effect, since the wife does 99% of the parenting, my Jalen references will have NOTHING to play off of
That Bootleg Guy: “Jalen threw up on…um, this woman I live with.”
Joe Movies: THAT’LL cost ya.
That Bootleg Guy: “No, honey…I’m talking about you…I just can’t say your fake name!”
Joe Movies: I also failed to bring up Abe Hayhurst, but it’s probably best that you keep him.
That Bootleg Guy: Agreed…and we’ll just split Steve Coogan down the middle or at the throat, which ever is less messy”¦
Joe Movies: It’d have to be long ways down the center. Because neither one of us is gonna want the half with the mouth.
That Bootleg Guy: I’m using this, y’know…
That Bootleg Guy: Go ahead and fire me, IP…
Joe Movies: F*ck yeah.
That Bootleg Guy: Ah, shit…can you tell me how I left the Ryan T. Murphy/411 staff forum quote “…so, seriously, f*ck you, Widro” on the table”¦
Joe Movies: Dude. The forgotten quip.
That Bootleg Guy: Anyways, get to bed…2:01 AM
Joe Movies: Will do.
Joe Movies: Happy editing.
That Bootleg Guy: Ugh”¦
General Haberdashery”¦The Last Links!
Jon-Jon Widro and Ashish Pabari share the top spot, as they’re the ones responsible for getting all of this started in the first place. Originally brought on as a music reviewer in December ’02, I was given the chance for a weekly news column when the immortal Adam Cankaya bowed out. While often elusive, both were always supportive of my unconventional approach and occasionally inspired ideas.
Mathan Erhardt is the only writer on IP whose material I read from beginning to end, every week. I don’t always agree with him, whether it’s music, TV, comics or politics, but his candor is never without class. I’m really going to miss those reader e-mails to me that began with, “Did you read what Mathan just wrote”¦?” Yep. And, I hope you did, too.
Jeff Fernandez was the lynchpin in the package deal that brought me to IP, so now you know who to blame. Even though he hasn’t been a regular writer for months, no else’s off-the-wall observations have resonated with me like Jeff’s. From his Hostess Cupcake comics, to his music for strip clubs column, to The Dirty Dozen to his weekly links”¦ Cheers!
Shawn M. Smith wrote the single, most awesome non-music intro in the history of the heavens. He’s also so subversively funny, that not everyone always gets the joke. We’ve talked offline a few times and he’s even funnier in real time. Hell, anyone that can make me care about so many acts I couldn’t care less about is already a helluva music writer.
Mike Eagle always seems to be able to make his material accessible to everyone. It always killed me whenever people would refer to me as the “rap guy”, when voices like Mike’s are the ones y’all should be listening to. Hell, he won over Nick Salemi and that’s something right there.
John Haley doesn’t write enough. I mean, seriously”¦the guy can talk sports, sports-entertainment and entertainment-entertainment with an effortless flow. He’s a Friend of the Bootleg from the 411 days and as much as I’ve enjoyed his work, our occasional offline emails were just as much fun.
And, since this might be the last chance I get to shout out any of my past and current peers, my sincere thanks to Matthew Michaels, Michael Melchor, Michaelangelo McCullar, T. Daniels, Evocator Manes, Dr. PHIL WATTS, Tayo Adesanya, J. Yayo Hernandez, Jason Gillis, Will Cooling, Colin Pigeau, the esteemed Eric S., the evil Smilo and, of course, my boys up and down IP Sports for your support, links, pimps and/or Bootleg love.
(I know I’m forgetting a few names, so don’t take it personally. I’ll get you on my next farewell column”¦only eleven more to get halfway to Melchor!)
J.A.M. = the fourth in a line of short-lived novelty writing nicknames for a trio of Inside Pulse and 411 writers.
J is for Movie Joe Reid. Let’s see”¦he mocks Jason Giambi and American male figure skater Johnny Weir. Easy targets, you say? Shut up, I retort! At least he’s updating the blog, again. Plus, an update on the creepy Reese Witherspoon “hit” on the photographer that harassed her last fall. Don’t f*ck with Flick. (I mean, the headline wrote itself, Joe”¦)
A is for me.
M is for TV Mathan. Could the return of TVM be in our future? Damn, I hope so”¦Y’see, earlier this week Coretta Scott King was laid to rest. Mrs. Bootleg was home that day and called me every 15 minutes to tell me what a raucous, wonderful scene it was. Did ya see it, Math? If so, me thinks we need your perspective. Lord knows no one else is gonna write about it ’round here.
Junk Mail: Origins & Explanations
From September 20, 2003″¦
Hey Aaron,
I caught the bootleg this week and it pretty much knocked me out. I don’t know how it is I had missed reading it on the Music page before. Easily the best read on 411Music.
I write over on the Movies page, by the way. And I’m currently residing in the basement of the 411 Fantasy Football league, thank you very much Donovan McFuckingNabb. Also, just to answer your question, yes, Keyshawn IS the most overrated player in football, and on a fantasy team, that’s magnified even more. The man is fantasy poison.
Since you stumbled onto my turf for a second . . . for the record, Quentin DID start a new “Tarantino era” in film – it’s just he wasn’t the one making the films. And I loved Jackie Brown – the fact that it didn’t jump start Pam Grier’s career is a shame.
Fearless NFL pick: San Diego at home over the Ravens. Classic hangover game from Jamal Lewis, who will get shown up by a Ladanian Tomlinson who is looking to make a statement. The 135 yards he gets won’t exactly set a record, but his two touchdowns will be the difference. The Chargers need the win badly, and the Ravens aren’t at a consistently good level . . . yet. Chargers 27-13.
We’ll see how well THAT prediction does.
Anyway, awesome column. I’ll definitely be reading more. And see ya in Week 7.
Joe Reid
411 Movies
Yep”¦that’s Joe’s first email to me”¦and, speaking of firsts”¦
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From January 7, 2003″¦
Just wanted to say I liked your reviews on 411 for Nas’ “God’s Son” and Jay-Z’s “the Blueprint 2”.
I’m not really interested in the who’s better debate as I am a fan of both and have been since the mid 90s, although it has been entertaining.
I thought God’s Son was a little more focused and the Blueprint 2 had more misses than hits-definitely could have been one CD. Although you’re right in that Nas’ material is similar to Stillmatic, the I don’t think the Blueprint 2 took Jay-Z anywhere he hasn’t already been either.
I agree with your point about Jay-Z’s “My Way” rendition though. Didn’t like it at first but it grew on me. If he took the best of both worlds (no pun intended)from the double CD, he would have had a perfect score.
I just thought Jay-Z was coming off as a little whiny to the fans almost saying “How could you choose Nas over me” by citing that he gave money to Columbine and the World Trade Center. These things, while commendable, probably should not have found their way onto another diss song about Nas.
My only question was why you didn’t mention Nas’ “The Cross”? The production and flow on that song are ridiculous. Anyway, keep up the good work, your reviews are dead on.
Nick Salemi
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So, what’s up with you and IP after the Bootleg’s done and why are you quitting the column?
-Numerous Readers
I’ll still be around IP”¦keeping myself busy with the occasional CD review, music feature or sports feature. All I’m really giving up are weekly deadlines, which, unfortunately means the end of this column.
The short answer to why I’m wrapping this up is time. Of course, there’s more to it than that, but at the end of the day there just weren’t enough hours to write the Bootleg as I wanted to write it.
A few of you might’ve known that I was this close to ending the column last year at this time, but decided for 12 more months”¦which, probably ended up being 11 months too long. I love ALL my readers and dug every bit of your feedback, but I really thought the quality of this column got a little”¦uh, inconsistent.
Hell, there were even weeks when The Goodness felt like”¦work.
So, while I can’t exactly say that I’m leaving “on top” (even though, I am your two-time and current Music Writer of the Year), I do get to leave on my terms, while giving a little something back to everyone (well, one person) who’s been with me for the ride.
These last three years have been a dream come true for me.
The thought of someone”¦anyone reading something I wrote was humbling. And, you mean to tell me some of those people actually liked it? That’ll never stop blowing my mind.
In three years, I’ve heard from readers on five continents (too good for me, Africa and Antarctica?) I’ve heard from men and women”¦fans and critics”¦pre-teens and 40-somethings.
I sincerely hope that my colleagues get as much out of their experiences here at IP, as I have out of mine. And, while this isn’t the end of my IP run, I can honestly say that nothing I ever write”¦for anyone at any time”¦will bring me as much Goodness, as the Bootleg has brought me.
Congrats, Matt. Mrs. Bootleg drew your name out of Jalen’s toy train on Thursday night. So, here’s the deal”¦you’ve won an unopened, unused, brand spankin’ new iPod Nano. That’s 2GB, 500 songs, retail value $199. In addition, I’m throwing in a Bootleg T-shirt”¦retail value: significantly less.
Send me your mailing information and I’ll put the order in with Apple this weekend. There’s also a few terms n’ conditions I need to send out to you, but nothing to worry about”¦in fact, put away that dictionary”¦words like “indemnify” and “your own damn problem” are for me to worry about”¦not you.
Thanks to everyone who entered!
Life with the Bootleg Family
Jalen Henderson Cameron turned 2 years old on Tuesday. And, next Wednesday will be the 10th Valentine’s Day for me and Mrs. Bootleg. I’d love to tell y’all about both, but I just gave them the greatest gift of all: my Thursday nights.
It’s corny as hell and cheaper than candy!
For all of us at the Friday Music News Bootleg, I’m Aaron Cameron.
You stay classy, San Diego Planet Earth!
The last three years have been dedicated to the wife and the boy. And, now they get the rest of my life, too?! Get at me on Yahoo or AOL IM: ajcameron13.
