Director:
Ted Nicolauo
Writer:
Courtney Joyner
Cast:
Corey Feldman ………. Robert Toulon
Vanessa Angel ………. Erica Sharpe
Danielle Keaton ………. Alexandra Toulon
Silvia Suvadova ………. Sergeant Jessica Russell
Nikolai Sotirov ………. Julian
Velizar Binev ………. The Mayor
Anton Falk ………. Bael
Scifi pictures presents an FWE Picture Company Production of an Apolloprocreen Production
Running Time: Approximately 95 Minutes.
Unrated
Release Date: December 2004?! What the hell am I doing reviewing this thing then? Cripes all Friday!
The Movie
Ah Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys, where Corey Feldman plays a crazy scientist toy restoring divorced dad trying to keep his daughter safe in a world full of evil dolls, ninjas with magic marker hand tattoos, demons, and a scenery chewing Vanessa Angel. Ms Angel, you see, is the juvenile head of a multinational toy manufacturer, the unfortunately named Sharpe Toys, where the board of directors is a goofy looking demon named Bael (pronounced like Christian). Vanessa, best known from Kingpin and the TV version of “Weird Science,” has a devilish master-plan to sell a lot of toys and then use the blood of Corey and his daughter to give all those toys life of the demonic kind on Christmas morning.
Here is what I like about this movie:
A. The design of the Toulon puppets is charming.
B. Several of the characters are semi-hot chicks.
Unfortunately, everything else in this movie is not fit for human consumption, and being a SCIFI Channel original movie robs it of standard z-movie saving graces (i.e. horrific gore, nudity, and colorful language). The Demonic Toys are still very crappy looking. You can find the Puppet Master puppets in 8 other movies on the video shelf, and hotter chicks in many others.
I cannot stress how bad this film is. It should only be watched by lovers of movie cheese and other assorted professionals. That is, if you can make it through Jack Frost the Michael Keaton snowman movie followed by Jack Frost the serial killer snowman movie followed by the Jack Frost that was shown on MST3K, then you might be able to take this movie.
It feels like a lower rent version of a “Power Rangers” movie, without any of the stunts or martial arts sequences, and a lower quality of acting… and dialogue… and plot…
And I know that most of the cheese in this film is intentional; it doesn’t make it right. The whole intentionally/unintentionally funny thing only works if the movie is, at least in some way, FUNNY. (See: Jason X)
But hey, I still think Feldman is outpacing Haim at this point.
Unofficial Drive-in Totals (With apologies to Joe Bob)
7 dead bodies, BabyDoll motorboat to boobs, gratuitous personal security ninjas, gratuitous cyborg “upgrade”, eyeball exploding, puppet fu, flatulence rockets, 0 breasts, line of the movie goes to Danielle Keaton while in an iron maiden, “Dad, the spikes, they’re poking me!”
Score: 2/10
The DVD
The Audio and The Visual:
I have a crappy DVD player, but brand new and out of the box, the dang DVD froze up on me. Several times. The sound was out of synch several times as well. That thing may be a function of poor looping or SCIFI channel censorship; regardless, it is annoying as sin.
The Box
Hey it has a chapter list! Whoo hoo. There is something in the box for a change.
Special Features
Nil. Not even sub-titles for the hearing impaired. All we get is three commercials for other flicks, non of which are worth mentioning.
Score: 1/10
