WHERE WE BEGIN…
I had a weird dream last night, where Vince McMahon decided to have Lita give him a blowjob in the middle of the ring, on-air, quite randomly. Then I ran in, knocked him out with a chair and went backstage to watch 13 Going On 30 with the Australian and Korean women from Lost.
Uh-huh.
You see, I’ve had one of those hectic weeks that makes you genuinely appreciate the ability to get a good night’s sleep, just to get away from it all. There hasn’t been anything especially good or bad happening (at least, not yet… the good might happen tomorrow, the bad might happen on Monday…) but it certainly made me wonder exactly when *I* became the calm one around here.
Thankfully, there really is not a great deal happening in the usually unusual world of wrestling to comment on. TNA presents Destination X, thus ruining our best chance of having a PPV-free month in 2006, and there’s a preview of it below. WrestleMania XXII is still looming large of course, and the unofficial Anti-Pulse countdown continues to unofficially tick away here as I try valiantly to make everyone fall in love with the show. The news section is practically anorexic, but we’ll try and digest what is available by coming up with the best possible person to turn into the next Raw General Manager.
Aside from wrestling ranting, the most valuable thing that I can do for you is beat you mercilessly until you back-up your hard drive. I had the mother of all flaps a couple of days ago when I thought that my laptop had died, which ironically happened just as I was booting up in order to make copies of everything. Like a narcoleptic teenager, the damn thing just would not wake up and eventually went off in the huff until being gently coerced back into action by lots of cussing and smacking about. Anyway, play safe. Get your condom on and back-up your computers. Important Anti-Pulse Safety Tip, thanks Egon. Don’t mention it, my name is Iain. If you want to repay me for my favour then you can go and buy me this shirt. I will express my gratitude with uninhibited sexual gratification of a most satisfactory manner.
Some Bloke Called Mikey does not receive such rewards, but his assessment of John Cena is on the money:
“The main problem with Cena is they are putting every successful formula they’ve used in the past 20 years in a very bland package. He’s got the workrate of Warrior, the attempt of an Austin-esque merchandise pimping, the Rock and Hogan’s attempt to mainstream pop culture, and very bland shades of the old DX sophomore humor. This is all rolled into one and it just doesn’t work. Put all those elements together and I don’t think anyone could get over with it. The crowd would tap out within a few months and we’d have the same crap we have now. Hopefully, the writers, Vince, and Cena himself realize they’re backed into a corner before it’s too late.”
That would be great but it was Austin that talked to his watch, not Vince, who most certainly does not realise when it is too late until people take drastic action, sit him down in a room with sensible lighting levels, and proceed to take him through each step of the obvious in a painstakingly thorough fashion, spelling all the of the long words phonetically. Until this happens, the indentured servants that are laughably dubbed ‘writers’ have not a hope in hell of doing the obvious. They are not Paul Heyman. Vince could not give two sucks of a Thai whore’s manhood whether or not they wind up going to TNA. As for Cena, he’s already set for life and will no doubt be quite happy to continue riding the wave for as long as possible. Hell, they brought back Tatanka. Even if Cena fails in ways more dismal that previously imagined, he’s smart enough to not burn his bridges altogether. As for us, well, the answer is rather simple – ignore it all and watch Smackdown and/or Impact instead.
Or perhaps Cena will not be long for the Raw title scene. Bryan Paige offers up an alternative…
“To me it is a no brainer that RVD get a push on Raw. Let’s face it, right now who in the hell else is there to go with? I’m pretty sure Cena will be jobbed out after Backlash and then the company will likely build to One Night Stand. Carlito has jobbed out to far too many people to ever be taken seriously at any kind of main event level. What does it say when they wouldn’t even job FOLEY to him and they’ll job Foley to anyone with an ounce of potential.”
That probably doesn’t say a great deal. They jobbed Triple H out to Woyah Woyah. Anyway, the RVD situation is an intriguing one. Based on what little I’ve seen of him since his return, he certainly doesn’t deserve to be a World Champion. His moment was 2001/2002 and, for better or worse, it has since passed. In saying that, I just can’t deny the sweetness to be found in having wee Rob finally pick up the big one in a random title match on, of all things, an ECW show. There’s already an easy lead-in to it with the Money In The Bank stipulation, which he is probably the favourite to win, and WWE is certainly unimaginative enough to jump through the same Anti-ECW hoops as last time around for the build-up to the show. The crowd would verbally desecrate Cena or the Hs if they were in the building, possibly even Kurt Angle too considering his well-known stance on ECW back in the day. If Rob were to win the title off of one of them, or anybody really, then it would be a fitting way to end the ECW nostalgia trip, which surely cannot continue for very much longer. It would probably also cause a lot of warm, sticky feelings in the pants of all those in the Hammerstein Ballroom that night. In the long term, it amounts to nothing, since he would almost certainly lose it back at the next available opportunity. Still… interesting…
More interesting than Candice Michelle’s private parts, less interesting than Steak & Blowjob Day, which is probably as it should be.
Anyway, more comments go to that link that I just linked to in that link… riiight…
TOP 5 WOMEN RIC FLAIR SHOULD LET RIDE SPACE MOUNTAIN, IF HE HAS NOT DONE SO ALREADY:
1. Condoleezza Rice
2. Emma Watson
3. Victoria Beckham
4. Sinead O’Conner
5. Mary McDonnell
HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE A BOMB:
Where the bomb in question is WrestleMania XXII, a weapon of mass destruction for good taste and bank accounts the world over.
Mark Neeley is going to be there. I told him I wasn’t sure whether to take pity or be jealous (similarly, I’ll be in Toronto in September but will be leaving just two days before Unforgiven hits the Air Canada Centre). In fact, the general consensus about the show seems to be along the lines of…
Ah, you can’t beat a bit of Goscinny & Uderzo… Anyway, last week I pointed out how WMXXII is quite safe from Worst Mania Ever status and will, at worst, merely be remembered as ‘a bit middling’. This time around, I’m going to try and crank up the positivity ever-so-slightly by taking a look at the card so far and listing a whopping total of three good things about each match. After all, it can’t possibly all be bad, can it? Hogan’s not wrestling, Al Snow’s not involved, Heidenreich parted ways with us all and Bea Arthur will be in my dreams tonight. One of those was not at all like the others.
Slightly.
Anyhoo…
– Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Randy Orton
1. Being presumptuous, this will give Angle a second main event at WrestleMania. He’ll lose the title, just like in the last one, but his overbearing ambition and professional pride will take great satisfaction in being able to close the show. He deserves this little bit of gratification for stepping up to the plate and playing Transitional Champ Tic-Tac-Toe without complaint and he can get it here. I’m basing this on numerous references made at Royal Rumble and No Way Out about this match coming on last, but we will see what happens.
2. Rey Mysterio, beloved veteran underdog, in a world title match at WrestleMania? Nobody thought that would ever happen. The sentiment can be spoiled by remembering the circumstances of his current push, but I take heart in knowing that, were Eddie alive but still unavailable, they could still have run a very similar angle with Mysterio and Batista and it would still have been well received.
3. Um… Orton is not fighting The Undertaker again?
– John Cena vs. Triple H
1. Cena’s asshole, meet Chicago. Chicago, please rip a new one. Okay, this is purely a personal and slightly vindictive point rather than one that is particularly good for business. Thinking long-term, however, Cena’s stock will be ever-more devalued with each passing month that he does not turn heel. Giving this match the Michaels/Sid treatment cannot fail to hasten that process.
2. This is actually a match that we have not seen before and they have actually managed to save it for Mania. Regardless of your opinion about the quality of the match, this much remains true.
3. Triple H made some widely-reported criticisms of Kurt Angle’s inability to play a ‘proper’ heel and get the crowd to cheer for Cena. Since the Hs are heading straight down the same road and will be sprinting along them by the time this match begins, it just might deal a humbling blow to their collective ego.
– Money In The Bank
1. They finally came to their senses and made the bloody thing interbrand. Furthermore, it happens to be the only interbrand match on the show, which just might be enough to convince them to take it easy on Raw vs. Smackdown over this coming year. Anyway, this can increase the intrigue factor, even if it is quite likely that the winner will get drafted later on.
2. Shelton Benjamin is in the exact same position that he was in during the first MITB, only now he has a fake mother with him and is free to turn heel, which I’ve been saying he should have done since the aftermath of his mini-feud with the Hs (the heel turn, not the mother). This match provides him with a great opportunity to bolster his prospects yet again. Third time’s the charm, particularly since he’s sporting that crappy sportz-entert@inment quota WWE so desires.
3. Ladders! Jumping! Yay! Wheeee!
– Casket Match:
1. Well, at least this time he doesn’t have to hinder the progress of somebody even remotely useful in order to continue the streak.
2. Several comparisons will be made to the Casket Matches with Yokozuna, particularly the one from Rumble ’94. No matter how bad this may be, it will most assuredly not reach the absurd levels that one did. After all, Marty Jannetty isn’t around to play dead.
3. It gives us all a very good opportunity to go to the toilet. A clear bladder is a happy bladder is a happy person.
– Shawn Michaels vs. Vince McMahon
1. Marissa and the baby won’t have to worry about something silly happening to Shane in one of his patented big bumps. Now they can just all worry about the increasingly erratic grandfather doing something stupid and paying the price instead – and even if that happens, they will be handsomely rewarded for their strenuous efforts at being related to the geezer.
2. Bret took the high road and didn’t get involved. Well, hopefully. The buzz of his appearance in the moment would soon be soured by realising that he had gone back on his word on the matter, which he has given time and time again ever since the news broke about his DVD.
3. Since Michaels is almost certainly going to take a few months off after this at the very least, this will be the end of this insipid feud. More on this in the Anti-News section.
– United States Title:
1. JBL is not getting completely and utterly buried… well, unless they go for the ‘ironic continuity’ approach and have him tap out to the Crossface in twenty seconds, which is unlikely. He may have been firmly demoted from the main event scene but that was for the best. Give him another year or so around the US title scene, possibly crossing over into the tag team ranks for a spell (JBL & Regal?), then see about perhaps moving him back into the title hunt. There is no rush.
2. Out of all the matches on this show, this will be the one that surpasses your expectations. It won’t steal the entire card, but JBL can hold his own in a brawl, Benoit can sell like a Vegas hooker in Reno and neither one of them is going to hold back here. Crank up the stiffometer, chuckle senselessly at the word ‘stiffometer’, and enjoy the results.
3. Depending on how crazy everybody is feeling, we just may get a flying headbutt onto the limo…
– Hardcore Match:
1. Edge knows very well that he is on the verge of something quite big here. At the moment, he is like U2 shortly before releasing The Joshua Tree and just needs one more big event in order to push him over the, um, edge. That’s a lot of Edges. By the way, in France, do they just refer to The Edge as L’Edge? Whatever, WWE’s Edge has been to the top, done everything he was asked to do, surpassed expectations and still ending up losing out due to circumstances beyond his control. If he can keep up his current standards, he could very well wind up with a second world title reign by SummerSlam.
2. The fabled ‘fifth chapter’ of the Edge/Hardy feud has yet to materialise. Not to mention the third and fourth ones. Long may that be the case.
3. I’m seriously struggling to think of a third option here, particularly one relating to Foley. I’ve already used up the toilet-break card earlier on but, hey, I need to have one now so that’ll just have to do. Remember the bladder rules and fail to observe them at your own peril.
– World Tag Team Titles:
1. The tag belts may finally be moved to a marginally less blatant state of inertia. Now they can taste the low-fat version. Yes, they will still be around the waists of a random odd couple rather than a cohesive team. Yes, they will still play second fiddle to a more important angle, in this case the gradual Carlito face turn. However, it should all still be relatively more entertaining than what is being done with them at the moment.
2. If they win the belts by having Kane or Show submit to the Masterlock then that will provide a moderate pay-off to the dreary Full Nelson Challenges that have pestered Raw this past year.
3. We don’t have to sit through a Kane/Show match. We can safely remove that to Backlash and ignore it there instead.
Annnnnd… that’s all I’ve got. I gave it my best shot.
So, perhaps now things will look a little bit more like this…
Or not, whatever. I mean, it’s your time.
TOP 5 MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE REMADE WITH RIC FLAIR IN THE LEAD:
1. Uncle Buck
2. Caddyshack
3. Fletch
4. Die Hard
5. Scent Of A Woman
TNA DESTINATION X 2006: PREVIEW
The first time I wrote this, the computer crashed and I lost the bloody lot of it. With sorrows suitably quenched, if not yet drowned, here comes the second attempt, ending every sentence with Ctrl+S…
NWA World Heavyweight Title:
Christian Cage vs. Monty Brown
Well, here we are. After having to listen to increasingly bitter recriminations from would-be members of the online Christian Coalition for the better part of a year, the Peepmaster himself has finally wound up as a World Champion and now gets to headline his very own PPV with a successful title defence. Oh, yes, he will retain the belt here and for another two months at least. The one thing that has not been mentioned a great deal, however, which went unsaid through the Anti-Cena months, the warm afterglow of his arrival in TNA, and the needless panic over the length of Sting’s shadow, is that Christian is simply not the great singles wrestler that several people seem to have made him out to be – especially when there are no ladders involved. A good, competent wrestler and a subtly engrossing worker, sure, but certainly not any better than Jeff Jarrett. Quick test – name any great matches of his that meet the aforementioned criteria. The only one that springs readily to mind is his WMXX encounter with Chris Jericho, which was largely due to the overwhelming storyline involving Trish Stratus and a memorable aftermath. Then there’s Monty Brown who, bless ‘im, has managed to take his Goldbergian (oh me!) intensity and Rockesque (oh my!) charisma and mould something very, very unique that still is not particularly good at wrestling singles matches for longer than five minutes each. In other words, even if you consider yourself the Peak o’ the Peeps, you should not get your hopes up. That way you can possibly consider yourself pleasantly surprised, which is a rather nice way to be.
NWA X Division Championship – Ultimate X:
Samoa Joe vs. A.J. Styles vs. Christopher Daniels
Finally, TNA have been able to come up with an X Title match the main selling point of which is not merely the participation of Joe, Styles and Daniels. No, no, this time around the real intrigue lies in how the hell the flimsy Ultimate X set-up, which last time couldn’t even hold the target object, is going to be able to withstand that chubby f*cker clambering along the wires. I wonder just how drunk I’ll have to get in order to incessently shout “Fly, fat ass, fly!!” at the screen whilst giggling like a hentai schoolgirl. The more sober among us might instead start to wonder how the only other X Division wrestler to warrant a space on the card so far turned out to be Matt Bentley, leaving the likes of Dutt, Williams, Aries, Sabin, Shelley, Strong and even dear ol’ Skipper on the outside looking in. No wonder TNA came close to installing a secondary X Division championship. After that, we can all have a good ponder about what to do with Joe in the near future, when his first defeat will come, who will be able to achieve it, whether it will be for the X Title or not, whether he will enter the running for the World Heavyweight Title instead, whether they should stop trying to make him a heel, and whether he should be put into the World X Cup or not, among other things. There is a large wad of vagueness around Joe’s long-term place in the company, which, to be fair, is not greatly helped by having him kill absolutely everybody that he gets his hands on. Once we’re done with all of that we can, perhaps, just sit back, relax and enjoy yet another much-welcomed Match of the Year Candidate. Provided those wires and hooks behave themselves… The winner is largely irrelevant since there will be yet another match between them in April, in the Six Sides of Steel, but for argument’s sake let’s just have Joe defy gravity and get the win.
Not A Tag Team Titles Match:
Jeff Jarrett/America’s Most Wanted/Abyss vs. Rhino/Team 3-D/Ron Killings
I find it very tiring to talk about this match, probably because I haven’t paid a great deal of attention to Impact this year and therefore have not been adequately brainwashed. As I mentioned last week though, it is pretty strange that the tag team titles have been reduced to the status of props in the one well-known North American promotion to actually have a viable tag team division. Delaying the inevitable Team 3-D reign by any means necessary should not go hand-in-hand with leaving the belts around AMW for no particularly clear reason. They could quite easily transition the titles to another team in the middle of all this, continuing the AMW/3D bloodfeud whilst letting some other children play with all their pretty toys. Sharing is not a curse. Of course, Jarrett decided to share his favourite toy with some other people and found that it left him with precious little to do, particularly since Sting and Shelley aren’t actually on the Destination X card, while his only other outlet is some frantic drama involving Gail Kim and Jackie Gayda that must have seemed like a good idea to somebody at some strange moment in time. Then again, so did Steve Guttenberg. I hope that the younger people reading this are capable of fully appreciating the art of The Gutten. Were we to get him in the same room at the same time with Judge Reinhold, I do believe we would be facing a total protonic reversal. Segueing badly back to the match, we’ll also have Abyss and Rhino continuing their brawl with the venom and fury of Itchy & Scratchy unleashed in the offices of the RSPCA. I’d much rather they simply had a rematch from Against All Odds since, against all the odds indeed, I wound up preferring that to the Joe/Styles/Daniels bout. Nobody writes songs about the second cut, since it just isn’t deep enough. On top of all this, for no discernible reason that I can fathom but welcome nonetheless, lies Ron Killings. It’s hard to imagine anybody having a career quite so rollercoaster as Killings, who went from being Road Dogg Black to unemployed to World Heavyweight Champion to overtalented stable hand to loose end. All in the span of just five years too, which is rather impressive. Still, he is long overdue for a push and would make for a good sparring partner for Jarrett while Christian, Brown and Sting all get to play at the top end of the card. The winner of this one doesn’t really matter much, since I don’t think it is elimination rules, but I’ll randomly plump for the heels.
Not A Good Idea By Any Stretch Of The Imagination:
The James Gang & Bob Armstrong vs. Latin American Exchange
I have no idea who Machete is, I have no interest in airports, I haven’t cared about the James Gang since long before the Rockabilly days, and I certainly do not want to see pensioners wrestling. Well, outwith the realms of comedy. Hell, I’m not even going to watch this match so I’m just going to move onto…
Never Shagged Stacy Keibler vs. Never Shagged Pamela Anderson:
Lance Hoyt vs. Matt Bentley
…ah. What an odd world, that it could contain non-related people who would care about this match. Oh well, not long until Lockdown.
TOP 5 BETTER THINGS TO DISCUSS THAN THE OSCARS:
1. Anything
2. See #1
3. See #1
4. See #1
5. See #1
ANTI-NEWS:
“I refuse to play your Chinese food mind games!”
SHAWN MICHAELS was seemingly originally meant to be fighting Shane McMahon at WrestleMania XXII rather than Saturday Night’s Main Event. However, since Marissa McMahon is due to give birth to her and Shane’s child on the 3rd of April, Michaels wound up getting booked to face Vince McMahon at Mania instead. I should probably point out that ‘McMahon’ is Marissa’s married name, she isn’t an open-minded cousin or anything like that. Apparently she appeared in The Scorpion King as a bird merchant, which gives any drunken students reading this another excuse to watch that movie again. Oh, don’t think you won’t.
The wishful and egotistical thinking of pitting an almost entirely spent Shawn Michaels and a sixty year-old man in a singles match at the biggest wrestling event of the year has already been widely discussed. It does, however, lead to a couple of more substantial topics – Shawn Michaels’ future and the still-vacant General Manager position on Raw.
If reports are to be believed, Michaels will be drastically cutting down his schedule after Mania and only turning up for a couple of matches per year in addition to other, random appearances (similar to Mick Foley’s current deal). Of course, these reports come from the same sources that claimed Michaels was permanently retired in 1998, that he was not going to work full-time in 2002, that he would be doing Rockers Reunion house show matches in 2005, and so on, so take them with a pinch of salt, a pinch of parsley and a liberal sprinkling of black pepper. Assuming that he is actually going to curb his in-ring activities – possibly with an illegitimate defeat to Vince so he can milk the Mania crowd for a post-match standing ovation – this should by no means lead to him taking on the General Manager role, nor should anybody want him to. Face it, we’ve had eight solid years of ‘symapthetic, plucky babyface’ standing up to the evil might of an ‘overwhelming authority figure’, usually a McMahon. The last thing that Raw needs is to go back to this once again, especially after the money match will have already happened, and especially since General Manager Michaels would not even involve any active wrestlers in this little feud. Besides, from the sounds of things it isn’t just the bumps that Michaels wants to get away from. It’s the travelling schedule. He has had a decent four-year stretch to repent his sins (at least in his eyes) and give us some more classic matches (Angle, Benjamin, Jericho). Now he can head back to Texas for a life of leisure with his family and pop up every six months or so to participate in a pre-approved program with someone of his choosing. With a bit of luck, he might even finally come over to Smackdown (though we’ll forever be denied that classic Guerrero/Michaels match).
All of which still leaves a General Manager position open. Personally, considering they have been getting by without one since early December and that Vince’s ego is incredibly keen on turning up every so often to make big announcements and/or a nuisance of itself, it seems a little strange to even bother having one now. Still, it’s inevitable that they will, though the identity of the subjugated wee bugger is being kept under wraps for now – mainly because they haven’t actually settled on one yet. Shane and Stephanie are both preoccupied with baby matters, Linda and her stuffed-walrus personality will be enough to lose viewers on a regular basis, while Vince’s random appearances have to be seen as ‘above’ both General Managers, both brands, and the entirety of God’s Kingdom, which rules out any of the McMahon family. That narrows it down to four contenders – the one that was, the one that would have been, the one that could yet be, and the one that could not. In other words – Eric Bischoff, Dusty Rhodes, Jim Ross and Christopher Nowinski.
Bringing back Bischoff would make a mockery of most of what has happened on Raw over the past four months but, hey, most of us have been doing that anyway. The drawback to this is that it means there has been absolutely no progression whatsoever, since we would very quickly wind up with Bischoff getting riled up by Cena and sending random heels after him. We all know how beneficial that proved to be last time (Christian quit, Jericho quit, Angle left Raw).
Dusty Rhodes was originally meant to be the new GM before the self-interests of Vince started twitching yet again, so chances are good that the Polka Dot Prima Donna shall wind up getting the role in the Mania fall-out. Since he is a lock for the 2007 Hall of Fame and will shortly be getting the fully-fledged DVD retrospective treatment, it probably makes sense from a business point of view. It certainly won’t make any sense in general, since people can hardly understand a word the fat bastard says. The last time he turned up was on an Unlimited segment during the Homecoming show, where he perplexed the world by spluttering away and compared himself to a semi-colon. Honestly, I have no idea why people are so enamoured with Rhodes. He was useless as a colour commentator in WCW, useless as a whatever-they-call-their-General-Managers in TNA, horribly inept as a booker throughout the majority of his career, and has not been particularly relevant since the ’80s. They ditch Jim Ross for aesthetic reasons, then bring back Dusty? Why no, that does not make sense…
Speaking of the One-And-A-Half-Eyed Man, the sole reason for giving him the GM role, now that the initial uproar against his removal has died down, would be to try and appease Steve Austin. We all know that Austin will be there or thereabouts at Mania time in order to induct Bret Hart, but that is purely a matter of respect between the participants in The Greatest Match Of All Time (and I’d be interested hear if you agree) rather than an amicable settlement between Austin and WWE. Likewise, though he is still making some random action movie for the WWE films department, that was agreed long ago and will make too much easy money for either party to pull the plug on it, particularly as it remains free from affecting the on-air product or disrupting backstage politics. Getting Austin back on board via the introduction of GMJR would allow WWE to take two steps forward towards their real goal, Hogan/Austin, after the three steps backwards they took late last year. By this point it isn’t even a case of saving such a match for Mania, they would quite happily jump the gun and arrange it for SummerSlam if possible. Hell, they came near enough to 700,000 buys for Hogan/Michaels. It isn’t unreasonable to think they could top a million for Hogan/Austin. Not that bringing JR back as an onscreen character, if he even still wants to be one, would be any guarantee of it happening, but it would at least indicate how much WWE would want it to happen.
And then there is Christopher Nowinski who, for some strange and unknown reason, is still employed by the company despite not having wrestled since the 2003 Royal Rumble. He isn’t listed as being on either roster on WWE.com, but he does some public appearances for the company (cue several disappointed children expecting Cena) and was one of the many possible GMs teased on Raw back in December. It became quickly apparent to most people that seen the first season of Tough Enough that Nowinski had the potential to be a middling wrestler at best, but that he had the charisma, wit and vocabulary to become a very entertaining non-wrestling figure, whether as a manager, colour commentator or authority figure. As of yet, WWE has not let him do any of the above despite having several very good opportunities to do so (not ditching Lawler, introducing Palmer Cannon, any of the monosyllabic and manager-less on the rosters, any of the online shows, etc.). If they give Nowinski this opportunity they can not only fulfill their own vague notions of making Raw seem youthful and attractive (try not to laugh, they do believe this), whilst actually doing something original for once – or at least as original as the tired authority-figure angle can possibly be.
All of which means we should be getting JR or Dusty by April. Joy of joys.
Hell with it, just scrap the Women’s Title, fire the skanks and make Trish Stratus the GM.
*****
“I’m sensing something very Canadian about this place.”
THE JUNIORS have all been released from their WWE contracts, which comes as no great surprise to anybody with the ability to think sensibly. I was just surprised that they had employed six of the wee buggers. At the rate WrestleMania is going, perhaps they would have been as well to have three of the Juniors fill up the Smackdown half of MITB. Then they could all go and pin Matt Hardy afterwards. Well, except for Super Porky, who would be eating Matt’s packed lunch. I’m betting Hardy is a pitta bread sort of guy.
Or, in the height of awesome, they could keep Super Porky around and have him become The Boogeyman’s demented midget sidekick. Worms are kosher, right?
And…
That’s it.
Seriously, there is a complete news void this week. The only other topics were a false Destination X spoiler about Lex Luger supposedly turning up (he won’t), random speculation about Goldberg’s TNA future (ain’t happening), and some baseball team giving replica X Division belts to their players. Whoop-de-f*cking-doo is the appropriate response. Of course, last week I had the column finished and posted before Marty Jannetty threw more shit at the fan, so I had to go back and add a little bit more about him. Eyes peeled, etc.
TOP 5 JOEL SCHUMACHER MOVIES:
1. The Lost Boys
2. Phone Booth
3. A Time To Kill
4. Flatliners
5. St. Elmo’s Fire
WHERE WE END…
– JEREMY LAMBERT talks a lot about hockey in his wrestling column…
– CLARK & SPEICH discuss Worst Manias Ever but somehow don’t mention WMIX…
– DAVID BRASHEAR points out how Jeff Jarrett beat up some women and won the war…
– PAUL SEBERT offers Crisis Counselling for people generally confused about DC Comics…
– JEFF RITTER continues spreading his nightmare…
– MATT BASILO jumps ship from Coke to Pepsi and ponders the latest from Lost…
MSN: Zomig
AIM: KingKongBurnside
IAIN BURNSIDE is currently scratching himself, but not there, never there…
