I AM THAT I AM
I think I mentioned this in this column around this time last year, but there are few things that I love more than watching “The Ten Commandments” on ABC every spring. Part of the reason for that is that being that it is broadcast the week before Easter every year, it, for me, is a signal that I have successfully survived another brutal, 6 month long Chicago winter. A bigger part of it is that the movie is just friggin awesome. The pure grandeur, and epic scope of the movie makes it, for me, the zenith of Hollywood filmmaking on its grandest scale.
So I was very dismayed to learn that ABC will be showing a new 2 part miniseries called “The Ten Commandments” this year. I am not sure if this means that the miniseries will be shown in lieu of the original classic, but if that is the case, somebody is going to pay. I have read news clips describing the new miniseries, and it promises to be “more realistic” than the old film, and portray Moses as something of a crazy man, who speaks with God and with burning bushes. I don’t want a crazy Moses. I want the walls of water. I want the staff turning into a cheesy looking snake. I want Charlton Heston and Yul Brynner in all their loinclothed glory, and if this makes me a big flaming homo, well then, so be it, I guess I’m just a big flaming homo then.
I realize change is good at times, but this, my friends, will not stand.
QUARTERBACKS OF THE FUTURE
The teams at the top of this year’s NFL draft in need of a QB are in luck. Not only will they have Matt Leinart and Vince Young to choose from, but Vanderbilt’s Jay Cutler has emerged as a darkhorse who scouts feel might be the best of this year’s class.
If I’m a GM, I feel I can pretty easily draw parallels between these 3, and 3 guys that are already in the league. If you want to know who among Leinart, Cutler, and Young would be the best person to entrust the future of your franchise to, I pose this question:
Who would you rather have as your quarterback?
A. Carson Palmer (pre-knee injury)
B. Daunte Culpepper
C. David Carr
If you’re asking me this question, my answer would be I want Carson Palmer, which, translated into terms of the 2006 draft, means that Leinart is the right choice. You probably won’t sink the ship taking Vince Young either. He’s a large, athletic QB in the mold of Culpepper (not Michael Vick, Young is not as fast on the field as Michael Vick is), who, given an elite receiver to work with (like Culpepper had with Randy Moss), could be very successful. Hey, don’t the Raiders have a pretty high pick this year? And don’t they have the actual Randy Moss?
As for Cutler, you can take every single one of the draft day darling quarterbacks that have come out in the last 5 years, and keep them. I don’t want them on my team. Kyle Boller, David Carr, Aaron Rodgers, Alex Smith, keep ’em. Give me somebody that has shown they can actually play and win in a meaningful game against competent defenses.
THE NEW SONG IS
“S.O.S (Rescue Me)” by Rhianna. It’s that Tainted Love song. Not only is it on the radio every ten minutes, but I went to the Bulls game on Friday night, and they played it TWICE.
I ALREADY KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT FALL
Most of the dust has settled, and the NFL free agent chips have fallen where they might. In the past three weeks, yours truly has been diligently reporting all the comings and goings for each NFL team. Now that we know, for the most part, who is going to be playing for whom next year, I think I can assess what condition your favorite team is in. We begin this week with the denizens of the NFC East.
NFC EAST
NY GIANTS
Rushing Offense- 2005 4.7 yards per carry, 2nd in NFL
The Giants won the rugged NFC East last season on the strength of a career year posted by running back Tiki Barber. As long as Tiki stays healthy, the running game should be strong once again in 2006. The offensive line will return intact. The only concern is, how much of a toll did toting such a heavy load take on Tiki? He’ll be 31 next season, and that plus the fact that his 5-10 frame doesn’t exactly scream durability raises concerns. The Giants might have done well to acquire a viable backup to spell him, but they haven’t thus far.
Passing Offense- 6.74 yards per attempt, 5th out of 8 teams in AFC/NFC East, 28 sacks allowed, 7th best in NFL
Again, the Giants should have been focusing on adding some offensive weapons to take the load off of Tiki Barber this offseason. Instead, they are crossing their fingers and hoping Eli Manning takes a quantum leap as a quarterback in his 3rd NFL season. There were a lot of decent receivers in this free agent class, and the Giants landed none of them. They’ll have to hope that Plaxico Burress can rebound from a disappointing first season in Gotham, and that Amani Toomer can continue to be productive in his 12th season in the league.
Rushing Defense- 3.9 yards per attempt, 13th in NFL
The Giants were pretty strong against the run in 2005 (unless you count DeShaun Foster going yay-yo against them in the playoffs), and should be again in 2006. There haven’t been any significant gains or losses in this area, but the team would miss linebacker Nick Greisen if he were to depart, he is still an unrestricted free agent.
Pass Defense- 6.17 yards per attempt, 4th best out of 8 teams in AFC/NFC East, 41 sacks 9th in NFL
Other than Tiki, the Giants’ ability to pressure the quarterback was the biggest reason for their success in 05. Michael Strahan and Osi Umenyiora aren’t going anywhere, so that shouldn’t be any different this year. The secondary will be very different though. Will Allen and Shaun Williams are gone. In Allen’s place are Sam Madison, who is 32 but has 31 career picks. There will be an open casting call to fill Williams’ safety spot, and new signees Quentin Harris, RW McQuarters, and Jason Bell will all get a look.
Kicking- 83.3% FG% 11th in NFL
Despite his much publicized case of the yips in the middle of last season, incumbent Jay Feely is a solid kicker and will be back in 2006.
Overall-
While division rivals Dallas and Washington made a lot of noise this March, the Giants will once again pin their hopes on Tiki Barber this year. That worked out good last year, but to hope for a year like Tiki had last year to repeat itself isn’t a very good business strategy. The Giants will be competitive because they are very strong on both the offensive and defensive lines, but at this point it looks like 2 division rivals have passed them.
Will the Super Adventure Club Reinvigorate Tiki?
WASHINGTON REDSKINS
Rushing Offense- 2005 4.2 yards per carry, 11th in NFL
If it isn’t broken, blah blah blah. That’s the philosophy the Skins took with their running game in this free agent season. Clinton Portis is one of the premier backs in the league, and should again be very solid this season. It doesn’t hurt that the team has one of the top offensive lines in the league, and it’s intact heading into 06.
Passing Offense- 6.95 yards per attempt, 3rd out of 8 teams in AFC/NFC East, 31 sacks allowed, 11th best in NFL
Last year the Redskins’ passing game was a one man show. QB Mark Brunell’s options were Santana Moss, Santana Moss, Santana Moss, Chris Cooley, and Santana Moss. That’s going to change this season. Antwaan Randle El was a high profile free agent this March, due to his strong performance in the Super Bowl. The Redskins landed him, but they also swung a trade for Brandon Lloyd. Lloyd somehow managed to get 733 yards and 5 TDs on an awful SF offense last season, and at 25 years old he’s only going to get better in the next few years. If ancient QB Mark Brunell can stay healthy and productive, the Skins should have a dangerous offense. If he doesn’t, they’re in trouble. Backup Patrick Ramsey was traded to the Jets and second year QB Jason Campbell is currently listed as the backup.
Rushing Defense- 4.1 yards per attempt, 20th in NFL
This is a problem area for the Redskins. They signed one of the better run stopping safeties in the league, Adam Archuleta, to try and solve that problem. Andre Carter comes over from SF to play linebacker, but he’s seen as a pass rushing specialist, and he will be a liability against the run. A lack of ability to stop the run could again be an Achilles’ heel for this team in 06.
Pass Defense- 5.77 yards per attempt, Best out of 8 teams in AFC/NFC East, 35 sacks 20th in NFL
The Redskins’ secondary is underrated, and it was a big part of their success in 2005. Corner Walt Harris is gone, meaning last year’s first round pick, Carlos Rogers, will be working without a safety net this year. Archuleta replaces Matt Bowen, who brought a lot of energy, but isn’t the caliber of player Archuleta is. The team hopes Carter brings some bite to a pass rush that didn’t get the job done last year.
Kicking-
John Hall was very good when he was healthy last year (85.7%). As long as he keeps his nose clean the Redskins don’t have a problem here.
Overall-
No team has come farther offensively since this time last year than the Redskins have. What only a year ago looked like an inept unit now shapes up as one of the best in the NFC. They’ve also added a Pro Bowl caliber player in their secondary (Archuleta), and have upgraded their pass rush by adding Andre Carter. I’m still worried about their run defense though, and it will be what keeps them from advancing any farther in the playoffs than they did in 05.
Can the Redskins Take the Next Step?
DALLAS COWBOYS
Rushing Offense- 2005 3.6 yards per carry, 27th in NFL
If you can’t run the ball, you can’t win in the NFL. If you don’t believe me, look at the Cardinals, or last year’s Eagles, or yes, the Cowboys. The Boys have 2 running backs in Marion Barber and Julius Jones, which, of course means, that they don’t have one. Now they say goodbye to the flagship of their offensive line, million time Pro Bowler Larry Allen. But, sometimes the best way to have a strong running game, is to make the opposition fear your passing game, we’ll get to that in a second.
Passing Offense- 7.27 yards per attempt, 2nd out of 8 teams in AFC/NFC East, 37 sacks allowed, 16th best in NFL
The Cowboys signed TO. He makes their offense much, much better. Duh. If his tenure in Philly is any indicator of how his time in Big D will go, the first year will be golden, then all bets are off. Drew Bledsoe and Terry Glenn were a dangerous combination last year. With Owens on the other side in 06, it should be insane. The Cowboys brought TO in because they want to win the Super Bowl, this year. Now, the onus falls on Drew to get them there. He’ll have to be better than he’s ever been, or he’ll be gone next year. At 34 years old, on his 3rd NFL team, it’s finally time for him to be great. Can he do it?
Rushing Defense- 4.2 yards per attempt, 25th in NFL
Much like their archrival Redskins, the biggest problem the Cowboys have is that they struggle to stop the run. Much like with the Redskins, I’m underwhelmed by their efforts to remedy that problem. DT LaRoi Glover is gone, so the pressure will be on last year’s big acquisition, Jason Ferguson, to be a stud on the defensive line. They’ll also need LB Akin Ayodele, signed from Jacksonville, to continue to improve.
Pass Defense- 6.24 yards per attempt, 5th best out of 8 teams in AFC/NFC East, 37 sacks 16th in NFL
With all the talent they have on defense, the Cowboys should be a lot better than they are in this area. They have faith in the players they have on defense, as they should with talent like Roy Williams and Terence Newman in the secondary, and a potential monster of a pass rusher in DeMarcus Ware. But they all need to be better, because last year the results were mediocre, and that won’t get the Cowboys to the playoffs.
Kicking- 70.6% FG% 30th in NFL
The kicking game was a disaster area last year. The Cowboys spent big bucks to land former Colts kicker Mike Vanderjagt, who hit 23 of 25 last year despite missing a HUGE kick in the playoffs. He’ll be the answer at this position for Dallas though.
Overall-
As I mentioned earlier, anything short of the Super Bowl will be seen as a failure in Dallas this year. You don’t invite Terrell Owens into your teepee unless you want to sell your team’s future down the river for a shot at winning right now. That makes Dallas the perfect destination for TO, because if they don’t win, Bill Parcells won’t stick around anyway, so what does he care? When all is said and done though, the Cowboys still struggle to run the ball, and they struggle to stop the run. Shaun Alexander would run all over their asses in an NFC Championship game, so they’re not going to the Super Bowl, ergo, this season will be a failure.
The Master Motivator Should Motivate Himself to Not Have the Body Of a 55 Year Old Woman
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
Rushing Offense- 2005 3.9 yards per carry, 16th in NFL
Andy Reid did a bad job coaching this team last year. They made no effort to run the ball despite having one of the most dangerous offensive weapons in the game, Brian Westbrook, as their running back. They spent the money to retain OT Jon Runyan, and Westbrook, in theory, will be returning from injury this year. The potential is there to have a good running game, all they have to do is run an NFL offense, not a WAC offense, and it can be done.
Passing Offense- 6.29 yards per attempt, 6th out of 8 teams in AFC/NFC East, 42 sacks allowed, 21st best in NFL
Last year was a big depantsing for Donovan McNabb. A year after he was being heralded as one of the elite quarterbacks in the NFL, the team disintegrated around him before an injury mercifully ended his season. He’s got a lot to prove this year. Reggie Brown and Greg Lewis are a talented young pair of wideouts, but the team should have done better than Jabar Gaffney to add to them. As much as the Eagles throw the ball, they should, you know, have some good receivers to throw the ball to.
Rushing Defense- 3.7 yards per attempt, 10th in NFL
The run defense was a bright spot in a dismal 05 season, despite losing elite DT Corey Simon when they wouldn’t pay him what he thought he was worth. There aren’t a lot of big names on the front seven (except for DE Javon Kearse, who is extraneous to a discussion of run defense), but they got the job done last year, and will be given a chance to do again in 06.
Pass Defense- 6.61 yards per attempt, 7th best out of 8 teams in AFC/NFC East, 29 sacks 26th in NFL
This area was a mess last year, and knowing that they are going to face potent the passing attacks of Dallas and Washington twice apiece this year, more should have been done to upgrade it. What the Eagles did do was to sign DE Darren Howard to be a bookend to Kearse. Howard had only 3 ½ sacks last year, but had 11 in 2004. If he can rebound, and is not in irreversible decline (and at 29 years old he shouldn’t be), he should be able to help upgrade what was an anemic pass rush last year. The Eagles have good players in their secondary, and hopefully a stronger pass rush will keep them from looking as bad as they did in 05.
Kicking- 72.7% FG% 29th in NFL
David Akers was hampered by injuries last year, and when he was well enough to kick, he wasn’t very good. He’s been good throughout his career, but he’ll have to return to form or else he’ll be kicking elsewhere very soon.
Overall-
Was last year a TO induced bad dream for the Eagles, or are they really in decline? I’m going to go ahead and pick option B. From where I’m sitting, they are clearly the weakest team in this division, and they’re kidding themselves if they think getting McNabb back will make it all better. Andy Reid may be a good offensive mind, but, the way the black cloud of unhappiness hangs over this team despite the fact they’ve been good for most of the decade, you get the feeling his people skills aren’t so good. Maybe it’s finally catching up with him.
McNabb Will Need Some Magic To Save the Eagles In 06
AND THE WINNER IS….
In my mind, the Redskins are the favorites in this division. They did the most to upgrade their areas of need. They’ve vastly improved their depth at wide receiver, and they’ve picked up 2 defensive players that could be All Pro if things break the right way. I still worry about their quarterback situation though, but the QB has always been an interchangeable part in Joe Gibbs’ offense, so I think Mark Brunell can be adequate for this team, while he might not be for other teams.
Don’t count the Giants out. If football games are won and lost in the trenches, then the Giants will be winning a lot of games. They run the ball well and stop the other guys from doing the same. That’ll get you at least 8 wins.
I’m really hoping the Cowboys fall on their faces. Not because of TO, but because nothing would make me happier than to see Jerry Jones fire that big fat blowhole Bill Parcells. It won’t happen, he’ll quit (again) before he can be fired, but the Cowboys won’t win the Super Bowl this year, and it’s now or never for this team. There’s a lot of sizzle here, and they’ll put up a lot of passing yards, but how’d that work out for the Cardinals last year? The success or failure of this team rests on whether Julius Jones can become a top shelf NFL running back, and right now I’m betting he can’t.
And then there’s the Eagles. Last year wasn’t an aberration, and it wasn’t all Terrell Owens’ fault. There are too many question marks on their offense for them to compete in this division. They’re a last place team.
IT’S HARD OUT HERE FOR A PIMP
That’s it for this week. Next week we’ll look at the AFC East. We’re going to stick with this format until all the divisions have been covered. Of course, we’ll have an interlude in late April to break down the NFL Draft. Although I’m warning you right now, the draft is a lot less important than free agency, and I’ll treat it as such. Mel Kiper I ain’t.
Until next MONDAY (which is where you can find me from now until the start of the NFL season), check out these guys!
Aaron Cameron fends off angry Mets fans.
Ross has MMA.
Rokk lists the 10 fights all fight fans must have in their library.
Raul has a nice tennis column.
Patrick explains why TO is better than you.
Steve is the only man to successfully combine ice and asphalt.
See ya next Monday!
