Add Homonym Attacks! #18
Ad Hominem: Appealing to personal considerations rather than to logic or reason.
Ad Hominem Attack: An argument that focuses on a personal attack as opposed to the subject in question.
Add Homonym Attacks!: The process by which one inserts a homophone and it bites you.
(It also serves as the title to Inside Pulse’s representative column in the world of Critical Thinking, Science and Skepticism.)
BUT FIRST!
Couple of big “skeptic” stories from the past week or so. The three that I remember, and thus are the must important are as the ones that follow.
The first story came out on the 24th in The Minnesota Daily. As it turns out, Atheists are the least trustworthy group in America (at least according to the poll that they conducted). Yep that’s right. Atheists.
Based on a telephone survey of more than 2,000 households and in-depth interviews with more than 140 people, researchers found that Americans rate atheists below Muslims, recent immigrants, homosexuals and other groups as “sharing their vision of American society.” Americans are also least willing to let their children marry atheists
I understand that only about 3 percent of Americans identify as atheists, but even per capita, how much trouble are Atheists causing? “Darling daughter, I gots nothing against them peoples, just don’t bring one home!” Granted nearly 1/2 of one percent of all prisoners are atheists.
The article goes on to say,
Cole Ries, the president of the Maranatha Christian Fellowship said he does not agree with that perception.
“Atheists seem to be concerned with the human good,” he said. “Where I differ as a Christian is that I’m more concerned with God’s will than man’s will.”
Still, Ries said, “I don’t believe that anybody is really an atheist. I believe that deep down everyone knows there is a god.”
To paraphrase Penn Jillette, well that’s another thing Cole Ries is wrong about.
Of course, I’m a little uppity. So, I even have problems with the folks defending atheists.
Yet Benjamin Abrams, a member of the Jewish student center Hillel, said he was surprised people would have reservations about their children marrying atheists.
“I understand if people want to marry someone of a similar faith, but I don’t understand why it would be any different from marrying a Muslim, a Jew or a Christian,” Abrams said. “It’s another religious belief. I don’t understand why atheism would have negative connotations.”
Calling Atheism a religious belief is like calling bald a hair color.
But that is neither here nor there.
Last week we also got the HIGH-larious results of a long term study on the effectiveness of praying for heart patients.
Short answer: Prayer does nothing.
Longer answer: Prayer does nothing, unless you know about it. Then it seems to be harmful!
Seriously.
In fact, patients who knew they were being prayed for had a slightly higher rate of complications.
Now, I don’t know the reason for this thing. I suspect that it is merely a statistical anomaly. But it doesn’t make it any less funny. But I guess it’s like the bible says, “pray for your enemies; that ought to kill ’em.”
That passage is near the back I think.
Finally, we got a wonderful parody of doublethink in the form of a two day conference in Washington last week. You see, the aforementioned 85% got together to bitch about being an oppressed plurality. Yes folks, Christian were bitching about being persecuted.
I contacted the public relations agents of several lions. “No comment.”
The folks at the Democratic Underground summed things up pretty well.
Top speakers at the “War on Christians” event included Tom DeLay (under indictment for corruption in Texas), John Cornyn (a top recipient of funds from convicted felon Jack Abramoff), Sam Brownback (another top recipient of funds from Abramoff), and Gary Bauer (accused of adultery). And let’s not forget Alan Keyes, who threw his daughter out of the house because she’s gay.
The event also featured Michael Horowitz, who told the attendees, “You guys have become the Jews of the 21st century.” Presumably he was referring to the 6 million American Christians who were gassed to death in Massachusetts concentration camps last year.
Oy. Horowitz amended his comment saying, “No I just mean that you folks are good at saving money.”
Get on with it!
So in part this section is inspired by a section of Positive Atheism called “Which Ten Commandments?” They heartily reccomend stealing from this page, and so I shall.
But it was also brought about by that juggler fella. Chris Bliss is the guy in that stupid video of a juggling act to Golden Slumbers. Now, I’m not sure if in the end the love you take is equal t the love you take. That requires some double blind testing. At any rate, I hear that this Bliss guy also has an political art project where he tacks up a plaque of the “Bill of Rights” next to the Ten Commandments whenever he finds the latter posted in a courthouse. I’m the sort of whiny “establishment clause” slut that enjoys such things.
So I figure, let’s take a look at the TEN COMMANDMENTS w/o Charlton Heston. See how important they are to American law, see how they match up across religious sects, etc.
The First Commandment
What is it? Well that depends.
According to the Protestants it is:
Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
It sounds like God is saying “have other gods, but I’m the biggest and most important.”
Catholics say:
I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt not have strange gods before me.
God says, “Don’t let me see you worship the weird ones.”
The Hebrew says:
I am the Lord thy God, who brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery.
God is saying, “You owe me bitches. I did that!”
The tablets that Moses broke phrased it as:
I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before me.
But
Exodus 34 says:
Thou shalt worship no other god (For the Lord is a jealous god).
I think that the last one is the one I’d like to see in a courthouse. The Lord is a jealous god is the basis for most of our legal code. Cuz ya know, you are only allowed to worship… wait a second. Am I crazy or is something fishy here? The wording of all these first commandments allows for other gods. You just shouldn’t worship them like you worship the big G. Aren’t Christians and Jews supposed to be monotheists (AKA Atheists plus 1)? Meh, who can figure this stuff out anywho?
The Second Commandment
Jeez, this one is a pain in the ass.
The Protestants say:
Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And showing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.
The Hebrew is even longer:
Thou shalt have no other gods before Me. Thou shalt not make unto thee a graven image, nor any manner of likeness, of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; Thou shalt not bow down unto them, nor serve them; for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate Me; And showing mercy unto the thousandth generation of them that love Me and keep My commandments.
Luckily, I was raised Catholic and just had to learn:
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.
AKA don’t swear. (Well, blasphemy is bad, profanity is passable.)
Exodus 20 says:
You shall not make for yourself a graven image. You shall not bow down to them or serve them.
And Exodus 30 says:
Thou shalt make thee no molten gods.
Luckily I make all of my gods out of a cotton poly blend.
The Third Commandment
Here the Hebrew and Protestants have the same one:
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain: for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.
The Catholics already got this one out of the way with number 2, so now they’re onto:
Remember thou keep the Sabbath Day.
Exodus 34 has this to say:
The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep in the month when the ear is on the corn.
I’m not really sure what the f*ck this one is talking about. I think it has something to do with elephants and Oklahoma.
The Fourth Commandment
The Protestant and Hebrew are basically the same here too:
Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labor, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.
The Catholics say that number 4 is really:
Honor thy Father and thy Mother.
Again, the Catholic shit is the easiest to remember.
Exodus 20 says that the fourth commandment is :
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
Also easy to remember. Exodus 34 has something entirely different as the fourth commandment:
All the first-born are mine.
That came out of left field huh? That’s like some super-villain shit to say. That one makes my courthouse wall!
The Fifth Commandment
Again the Hebrew and the Protestants says about the same thing:
Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.
The Catholics already said that was number four, so their number five is:
Thou shalt not kill.
Exodus 20 says the fifth is about honoring parents, but Exodus 34 says it is about the Sabbath.
The Sixth Commandment
The Hebrew, Protestants and Exodus 20 all say, “don’t kill” in one way or another.
Exodus 34 says:
Thou shalt observe the feast of weeks, even of the first fruits of the wheat harvest, and the feast of ingathering at the year’s end.
Which is significantly different.
The Catholic have jumped ahead to not committing adultery.
The Seventh Commandment
The early Exodus, the Hebrew and Protestants all put the adultery one here. But for some reason it isn’t against the law. Go figure.
The Catholics are still one ahead and are onto “Thou shalt not steal.” That is a law. Go figure.
Exodus 34 says:
Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leavened bread.
So Wonder would be out of the question?
The Eighth Commandment
While everybody else says, “don’t steal,” the Catholics are already onto “don’t lie.” Exodus 34? Well that says:
The fat of my feast shall not remain all night until the morning.
It gets really hard to do the dishes afterwards unless you clean the same day. That’s just common sense.
Numero 9 Commandment
The usual suspects say, You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
Catholics say don’t covet the wife.
Exodus 34 says the ninth Commandment is:
The first of the first fruits of thy ground thou shalt bring unto the house of the Lord thy God.
The Tenth Commandment
The Protestants and Hebrew texts say:
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor’s.
Catholics simplify:
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods.
Exodus 20 simplifies even further:
You shall not covet
Exodus 34 zigs instead of zagging and says:
Thou shalt not seethe a kid in its mother’s milk.
So don’t boil a goat in the milk of its nanny. Again, that just seems like good advice.
Outro
So I don’t really see much relevance between the Ten Commandments and themselves, let alone the laws of man. But hey, that is just me.
And I say, if your Courthouse want to put up the Commandments, you should compromise and let them throw up the ones about seething kids in milk.
Compromise is a beautiful thing.
Back with issue 19 in two weeks.
