Oh good lord. It’s timOh good lord. It’s time? Time for Monday Night Raw!?! Time for the Raw is War!?!? Time for Jumanji to beat up an old man? Time for Triple H to decide on a theme music? Time for a Cena turn? Find out tonight on Raw.
Quick note to the fans of my Monday column Gaming Zen. It’s going on hiatus for a week or two while I deal with finals. Please forgive me. I might also be taking a slightly longer hiatus from live Raw reports after that depending on what my summer schedule looks like. We’ll see. We’ll see. Oh, I’m Tom Pandich. Keep it here all night where I’ll keep you informed about what’s going on with Raw if you need to go take a shit or save a baby or something.
We start out with fireworks and here comes Edge with Lita. Lita looks pretty damn hot tonight. On Wednesday at WWE.com, the main event for Backlash was announced, Triple Threat, Edge, Cena, and the Hs for the title. Edge tells us just that in a few more words. Edge talks about winning the belt at Backlash, being the highest rated superstar on Raw, and so forth. Edge says that the champ is here and apparently, he is. Here comes Cena with the crowd about 60-40 behind him.
Cena gets the usual post music boos and Cena thanks Edge for the introduction. Cena says Edge won’t go home empty handed and he gets a decent hoe chant going for Lita. Cena sets the record straight for Edge saying in that two week period that Edge always mentions. The first week was when they tuned in to see who took the belt off of Cena and the second time they tuned into see Edge get his ass kicked. Cena says Edge came out here to talk while Cena came out here to fight.
Edge stops Cena and rags on him for being impulsive and caring about what the fans say, what little are left. Cena acknowledges this and talks about turning heel. He says that the fans remember him as black, evil, ruthless, a little bit sexual (big pop for that), and so forth. Cena says it would be easy to turn around look everyone that boos him in the eye and say “you”¦” but no, if Cena did that, he’d be just like Edge. He then says that if the fans loved him he could get pompous, walk around with his head held high and believe everything that is said about him, even giving himself a silly nickname like “The King of Kings”.
Here comes Triple H with new music. The Hs turns around and says to the crowd that when does Triple H care about what the crowd thinks of him. Massive boos for Triple H for that. He says that you may not like Triple H but you sure as hell respect him. Cena acknowledges this and says he’s not going to let the same thing that happened last week happen this week. Cena tosses the shirt and gets ready to go after Triple H. Edge interrupts and talks about how he’s the biggest threat to the championship belt and he’ll take them both on (except this week he’s still recovering from putting Mick Foley out of commission forever).
Triple H announces two things. One, he beat Mick Foley six years ago and that like a “turd that just won’t be flushed, he’ll come back”. Secondly Triple H announces he got off the phone with “the old man” Vince McMahon and tonight it’s a handicap match. Edge vs Triple H and John Cena. Edge bitches and moans and takes off. Cena is about to do the same when Triple H offers him his hand. Cena heads back into the ring and slaps the taste out of Triple H’s mouth before taking off. Another fun promo between these three.
We come back from commercial. During the break Rob Conway came out and Triple H gave him a nice mullet punch (65% all natural). RVD comes out and it’s time for a match.
Rob Conway vs RVD: Two years ago, this wouldn’t even be headlining Heat
Shelton comes out for commentary. He challenges RVD for his Money in the Bank title shot at Backlash which makes a ton of sense”¦
In the ring, Damm destroys Conway. Five Star and it’s over.
Winner: Rob Van Dam
Everyone’s favorite jew stops RVD telling him about Shelton’s challenge. RVD says he’s a silly head. If Shelton puts up the IC Title at Backlash for the MITB title shot, they have a deal. Shelton has one week to think about it. So there we go.
In the back it’s Mickie James being interviewed by Maria. Mickie is excited about her Wrestlemania win. She says its probably her favorite Wrestlemania win. She just wants to go home to Toronto and celebrate. Maria clarifies that Mickie isn’t from Toronto, Trish is (for the fans who can’t remember what they had for breakfast). Mickie almost flips out but instead gives Maria her first Women’s Championship title shot. Fantastic!
Commercial time but when we get back”¦ an exclusive look at Kane’s new film”¦ double fantastic!
We’re back and it’s time for See No Evil. It’s a pseudo trailer slash blowjob for Kane. People on a county jail work release program go to a hotel and Kane kills them. May 19th for all who are interested. I’m officially staking my claim to review that as I am Inside Pulse’s official shitty movie reviewer and wrestler recapper who’s shitty. Anywho, Steve Romero was supposed to be interview Kane was supposed but he’s vanished.
It’s a tag title match. The Spirit Squad is here. They’re all officially the tag champs. In the back Kane has voices talking to him saying that on May 19th “it’s all happening again” with creepy music. Kane stumbles into a bathroom and THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR IS IN THE MIRROR!!!!!!!!! Anywho, tag titles match is next.
During the break, the Spirit Squad flipped out and gave their best. Tag titles match now.
Kane and the Big Show vs the Spirit Squad (Johnny and Nicky): The beginning of a future Wrestlecrap entry
The Big Show destroys Johnny. He literally leaves hand prints on Johnny. The Big Show tags in Kane. Johnny tags in Nicky. Nicky gets further destroyed. Nicky and Johnny get a double team and almost a one count on Kane. Nicky gets a tag to Johnny who gets a small bit of offense in. He tries for an Acid Drop but Kane squishes him. Kane tags in the Big Show and he further crushes Johnny, quite literally. Show stands on Johnny’s chest shouting out to the Spirit Squad that Show has dated bigger women then them. TMI Paul, TMI. Johnny gets dumped and the Spirit Squad goes to help him up. The Big Show grabs ahold of Nicky who screams like a girl and then he gets tossed on to the rest of the Spirit Squad. The squash and then “Kane goes crazy costing them the match” after these words from our fine sponsors.
We’re back and Kane is dazed on the top rope. He eats a spin kick from Johnny and gets a tag to Nicky. Nicky gets a one count on Kane and they isolate him. Nicky drop kicks Kane outside and the Spirit Squad attack Kane. Big Show comes running around and clears house. Kane gets rolled back in and the Squad is in control. Mikey blows an air horn and Kane gets some dominated some more. Nicky puts Kane in a drop toe hold and Johnny hits a dropkick off the top for two. The two work over Kane and both hit a suplex on Kane. Kane does a sit up before getting clotheslined to the outside. Kane works over his opponents on the outside and then tosses a bunch of chairs into the ring and gets himself disqualified. Hm, there’s a first for everything. Everyone gets chokeslammed by Kane. Kane grabs a chair. The ref grabs the chair. Kane chokeslams the ref. Here comes the Big Show. The two have words and Kane and Big Show get into a shoving match. Kane puts a hand around Show’s neck, Big Show grabs back and Kane gouge’s Show’s eye. Big Show gets chokeslammed and Kane is delighted with being insane.
Winners by DQ: The Spirit Squad
Big Show stands up and is pissed off. On a completely different note, Vince and Shane visit a church”¦ NEXT!
We’re back and Steve Romero is interviewing Cena. Cena talks about how he’s best friends with Triple H and they’re like old college roommates. If either of them gets in his face, Cena will make them both tap out.
Meanwhile, back to the blasphemous WWE. Vince and Shane are at a church. Vince wants to be “checked in” and gives Shane a credit card. They enter the church and Vince uses Holy Water to do a Triple H water spit. The look on Shane’s face is priceless. Vince starts to talk to God and talks about how they have a lot in common. Creations, disciples, and even commandments. Vince gives his commandments essentially saying all of the stuff Shawn Michaels has done to Shane and Vince. To show a little compassion, Shane will say a prayer. Shane reads the prayer and stops when Vince’s prayer mentions how he has been spawned from Vince’s lifegiving semen. Vince asks for God to strike him down and then says Shawn Michaels’ partner has forsaken him. Thunder rumbles in the distance and thus perhaps one of the ten most offensive promos of all time comes to an end.
We’re back and it’s Spanish guy with “Umaga”. Finally the IWC can spell this future jobber. Speaking of jobbers”¦
Umaga vs Jobber
Umaga hits “offense” and then he puts”¦ a nerve pinch on the jobber for the win. Apparently they’re making the Masterlock look like a Sharpshooter transitioned into a Boston Crab, to a Texas Cloverleaf to a Crossface all while the person tossing on the moves is on fire.
Winner: Umaga
On Smackdown, someone big beat up the Undertaker. If I tune out over the next hour or so, please forgive me. This might be the worst Raw in the last five years.
We’re back and Carlito is in the ring. He went on a diet last week and lost 275 pounds of dead weight. Masters is a piece alright, a piece of something. Masters is not cool. Yay yay. Here comes Masters. Masters is going to beat the hell out Carlito at Backlash. Masters runs through all of Carlito’s betrayals on him. Masters says that he intentionally cost Carlito the tag titles. Carlito says that is the dumbest thing he has ever heard. Carlito challenges Masters to a Masterlock challenge. The ref comes down and Carlito has his apple. Masters wants to get the apple. Carlito tosses it up into the air and Masters catches it. Masters turns his back and eats a chair shot for his troubles. How they are thinking about turning Masters face is beyond me? The announcers are on the fence for the most part. King is pushing Carlito as a face though which is a good sign. Commercials.
We’re back and it’s time for a recap of how Chavo let Eddie down. Eddie is rolling in his grave. Not because Chavo lost last week, but because well, he’s rotting and dirt is getting into his corpse shifting its position in the ground. If Vince is making awful religion jokes, I’m making Eddie jokes dammit. Next week, Ross interviews Chavo.
Here comes Mickie!
Mickie James vs Maria: The two hottest Divas in the WWE kiss!
We go to commercial first. Maria is a sexy little minx. The match is as brutal as to be expected but lord oh lord, is Maria hot as shit. I don’t know. I love Mickie but I’m not digging the hair change. Anywho, Maria hits a few roll ups and some shoulder blocks. The crowd is all over this match. Mick kick ends it. I must say, this match didn’t have as many blown spots as the recent Trish/Victoria debacles.
Speaking of whom, here comes Trish dressed as Mickie James. Trish says she’s Mickie’s biggest fan and gives her a little smooch. Trish as a brunette is pretty damn hot too. Fuck, my mind IS BLOWN. Apparently Dusty Rhodes has taken complete control of the booking. Main event is next.
Triple H and John Cena vs Edge: I wonder where they’re going with this next week”¦
Triple H comes out first to old music. It’s official. He has wrestling music and promo music. Then Cena, then Edge. They’re jabberjawing. Edge starts out with Cena. Triple H heads to the outside. This is a tag match unlike last week which was two on one. Edge does the beating before he takes over with the beating. Triple H tags Cena’s back before taking over on Edge. Triple H is distracted by Lita and the cerebral assassin is getting his ass kicked on the outside.
Anywho, action moves back inside. Edge dominates on Triple H, hitting an Edge-o-matic for two. Edge chokes out the H’s and mounts him in the corner before Triple H knees Edge in the privates. Fagtastic! Edge and Triple H exchange blows and Triple H hits the knee drop. Edge counters with an Edgecutioner. Edge misses the spear and gets hit with a spinning spinebuster. Tag to Cena and it’s essentially over. Cena hits the throwback, the five knuckle shuffle, and goes for a FU. Triple H pulls Edge down and it’s a KICK WHAM PEDIGREE. Cena hits Triple H with an FU and then slaps a STFU on Edge. It’s ovah.
Winner: Triple H and John Cena
Cena celebrates and we’re out early.
It’s a bad night when the best part of the show is a Triple H promo. The early promo between Edge/Cena/Triple H wasn’t close to last week’s promo, but it was still the best part of the show. The Trish/Mickie stuff continues to be entertaining and Kane’s “voices” will be hilarious in the future. Having said all of that, this was a terrible show. Nothing but offensive promos, boring matches, and awful, awful product placement. This is the type of show that would turn me off wrestling for a month or two back in the day. Since I’m recapping though”¦ I’ll be here next week. Stay frosty people.
