SUNDAY:
Okay, so I have to apologise once again for skipping last week’s column. I did try to get it done, honestly. The first failed version started after a lengthy drinking session on Friday but it made precious little sense, even by my usually nonsensical alcoholic standards, and so I scrapped it the day after. Maybe it was the fact that I tried writing it in bed on the laptop. Honestly, there’s nothing lamer than waking up the morning after to find the only thing you’ve pulled is a bloody computer. I did manage to include the frankly awesome sentence “Gobble gobble gobble go the sphincters of the internet” though, which has to be worth something. Unfortunately, I think it was in the middle of a rant against Ricky Gervais. Anyway, the second failed version got a lot further on a far sober Saturday afternoon – only for the computer to crash, wiping it from the face of the Earth altogether. By that point I had long since stopped caring, especially since there was absolutely f*ck-all in the way of wrestling news worth talking about. Yes, that includes Lockdown. Hell, there’s a reason why only two staff writers bothered to contribute to the Roundtable for it. I think I can sum the general consensus up neatly in this accuracy-in-advertising PPV offer that TNA may as well resort to using: “Please rush me my obvious outcome and premeditated disappointment. Whilst waiting for my order to arrive, I shall take a little nap. Please wake me when Joe gets the main title.” I’ll still download the damn thing, of course. It’s purely in the interest of research. After all, certain questions must be answered, like:
– How much morbid pleasure can be obtained from watching Sabu, the man with a less attractive physique than even Michael Jackson, get thoroughly Joed while competing with a broken arm?
– How much alcohol do I need to consume to be entertained by a pensioner having a rigged arm-wrestling contest with a shoe-wearing, not shoe-throwing, Konnan?
– Since my PC keeps overheating and having to go off and lie down for a little bit, coupled with its perpetual confusion over a wireless connection not actually requiring a wire, not to mention the fragile state of PWTorrents, how long will it take me to download the f*cking thing anyway?
– Will they really go ahead and pin the black guy in the main event? Screw the ‘Gold-berg’ chants; let’s hear some ‘Vir-gil’ noise from Florida’s worst…
– Will Daniels finally grow a pair and start to make some demands so that he can finally get a decent character and storyline going?
– How pathetic does a person need to be in order to waste their time creating this site?
And so forth.
By the way, to save me from skipping yet another week due to drink/apathy/lameness, I’m going against my belief system and blogging it this week. Don’t worry, I’m not about to start unleashing angst and in-depth observation on the state of bowel upon you all (or whatever these Worst. Blog. Ever. types do). This is just an easy way to let me ramble on about daily developments in wrestling without getting too bored by it all and half-assing it. If it works then I might try using this as a permanent new style for the column. Wait and see. BAITED BREATH banana banana.
Inside joke.
Um, yeah.
The only non-Lockdown related story today appears to be Palmer Canon getting fed up of JBL’s hazing tactics and flying home from WWE’s European tour after giving notice to the company. Unremarkably, the world continued to turn after this announcement failed to shatter the Earth. Truly remarkably, WWE officials are apparently mad-keen on convincing Canon to change his mind and stick with the company. Presumably they find it essential to have an onscreen figure that can provide cheap inside jabs about how “the network” doesn’t “get it” and winds up forcing nonsensical developments like the Juniors Division and The Boogeyman upon the audience, even though they all come from WWE’s writing staff anyway. It’s like having the Queen in Snow White smash another mirror over her face because the magic one doesn’t think very fondly of her. Nothing about Palmer Canon truly matters. His latest role, the first one he’s had for a good few months, involves The Miz but is hardly essential to Mizanin’s chances of success since Teddy Long already provides all the authority that is needed for the wee shite to rally against. Besides, hazing has been and always will be a part of wrestling. Vince McMahon can try and tart up WWE with as many well-intentioned corporate initiatives as he likes, but this is still carny-town and there will always be a Bradshaw or a Holly or a Hunter around to welcome the newbies in the time-honoured harsh manner that they feel is appropriate. If Canon can’t take it or counter it then that’s his decision but let’s not make a big song and dance about it. JBL’s goose-stepping and Meanie-shooting were worthy of punishment but short of some startling revelations about the finer details of Canon’s treatment, this seems like nothing to get particularly worked up about. Compared to the specific, though unconfirmed, rumours of What Randy Did, this is as insubordinate as a baby shower.
Also, certain people of a less-than-clever nature seem to be getting in a tizzy about Stacy Keibler’s salary details. It seems she was paid $200,000 for her involvement on Dancing With Stars yet only made $125,000 a year from her WWE contract. Considering that 90% of her WWE “work” consisted of turning up, smiling, waving and showing off her anatomy, I fail to see how a six-figure salary can possibly be seen as a letdown. Hell, the biggest bump that she has ever taken was an RKO – one of the safest finishing moves in the entire business. Let’s not even get into the finer details of travel expenses and fatigue, since with someone like Keibler they are irrelevant. If you want to talk about hard work then go and talk to a nurse. Just stop disgusting me by acting so disgusted about someone receiving nearly a quarter-of-a-million dollars for a f*cking dancing contest. These celebrities are crazy enough to make me want to tap out.
TOP 5 DUMBEST HAIRCUTS IN TNA:
1. Alex Shelley (might as well have ‘BROKEBACK’ shaved into the back)
2. Ron Killings (scary black men do not suit brightly coloured ribbons)
3. James Mitchell (as subversive as Status Quo and almost as receded)
4. Kip James (no mirror in the world camp enough for him)
5. Chris Sabin (breaking ground as the first American Chav of wrestling)
MONDAY:
I find myself a little bit interested to know that I’m keen enough to keep this thing going for a second day but that I can’t possibly remind myself to go out and buy a new toothbrush. Wrestling – more important than true dental cleansing.
At the moment Lockdown is at 20.5%. Remarkably, the wireless connection has remained convinced of the fact that it actually has a network to connect to and has yet to wander off in the huff. Praise the wee man, an’ a’ tha’. Avoiding Lockdown spoilers makes finding the wrestling news of the day harder than usual. The returns of Christy Hemme and Low-Ki have already been spoiled thanks to a couple of dopey individuals far keener to talk about TNA than anybody without a J in their name has any right to be. Time to go for the bleary-eyed, ignore-the-obvious reading style favoured by obsessive compulsive politicians the world over and see what’s happening outside of Universal Studios…
Okay, there’s something so very wrong-but-right about John Cena, Prototype-cum-Stereotype, celebrating his birthday in the ring with all the (other) babyfaces after the end of a house show. Had he done this in New York or Philadelphia then I think we can all take a pretty safe guess at the audience reaction, but this happened in Cardiff so they were probably grateful for the attention. What babyfaces are left to celebrate with him anyway? Carlito would have given him a bowl of apples and then sulked in the background for the rest of the night, since he is so clearly a Kitchen Partier. RVD would have given him something special Cena would have had to ditch anyway if he was to make it out the country. Big Show would have given him an empty KFC bucket with a sheepish, apologetic look on his face. HBK would have given him nothing but a series of questions designed to figure out his chances of being arrested for sleeping with Charlotte Church.
And as you all know and have hopefully already tired hearing about, ECW is angling for a Fall and Rise of ECW DVD in the near future by possibly returning to life before the end of the year. So far Sandman (how very anti-Wellness), Sabu (almost not quite dead yet), Balls Mahoney (rush me my apathy), Francine (rush me my chastity), Lance Storm (retired) and Justin Credible (go away) have been in talks with WWE over possible new three-year contracts, which would have to be renewed every twelve months. If and when it gets off the ground, it is thought that Rob Van Dam (duh), Kid Kash (sure), Super Crazy (no Psicosis?), Johnny Swinger (who?) and Al Snow (Head ain’t funny no more) will be a part of the group too. Joey Styles would be the announcer, with Jim Ross returning to Raw, and Paul Heyman would be an on-screen authority figure as well as the behind-the-scenes creative figure, assisted by Tommy Dreamer as a road agent type.
Despite having no confirmed details about how ECWWE might actually work, the usual idiots have started frothing at the mouth, hitting themselves with trashcan lids and chanting “Easydub! Easydub!” until their mothers wake up and put them back down to sleep with a gentle, though alarmingly tender, kiss. It might be an online thing, or they might get their own crappy TV timeslot somewhere. It might get its own grotty bingo hall tour, or they might just tape matches before Raw and/or Smackdown. It might be separate from Raw and/or Smackdown storylines, or it might wind up as a faction on one or both of the shows. It might replace OVW wholesale, or it might be little more than a name change to the existing set-up for marketing reasons. At the moment it looks like they’ll run some WWECW house shows in small arenas or bingo halls or IKEA car parks or whatever is available shortly after the PPV, whilst going for the quasi-dark match taping route for online broadcast, with the better part of OVW fleshing out the legally-cleared remnants of ECW proper. If this means they’ll actually start using C.M. Punk then maybe some good can come out of it. Of course, it is far too early to make any sort of predictions as to how this will play out. I still haven’t entirely written off the possibility of this being a long con solely designed to raise the buyrate for the PPV (and don’t think it won’t work). Can WWE possibly launch a third brand whilst ensuring the quality of the other two? Could Stephanie restrain herself from blocking or simply stealing Heyman’s booking ideas? Would ECW2 really be any different from the McMahon-funded days of ECW? How many lame fantasy booking ideas are we to be subjected to by The Intranets in the coming months?
Ah well, at least it’s something new to ponder.
By the way, how come everybody has mentioned Team 3D being in TNA and unable to join this venture but nobody has mentioned that WWE still owns the Dudley name? If they were to unveil some new Dudleys then not only would that be vaguely in keeping with the original Dudley myth but they would instantly become the biggest heels on the show…
Continuing the day’s theme of stories that sound more important than they actually are, Brock Lesnar, a.k.a. Biggles, has settled his lawsuit with WWE. He isn’t coming back to WWE anytime soon, and most likely he still won’t be allowed to compete in TNA until the original length of his no-compete clause expires in 2010, but he will be able to make a move into the MMA world and won’t face any reprimand for his Japanese wrestling bookings. Annnd… that’s it. Be still my racing heart.
More seriously, Hardcore Holly has been having a shitty time of it since a staph infection put him on the shelf last August. He’s had surgery on it, wound up contracting MRSA that messed up his elbow joint, went back into hospital for extensive antibiotic treatment, before eventually getting to continue the course at home along with regular blood tests and extra medication to counter further irregularities in his blood. You can click on the link above to go to his website and send best wishes if you like. Even if you don’t like, you could probably prove yourself to be a decent person and not make any wisecracks about him for a while. Good on you. All the best, Bob.
31.5%. Bring it on.
TOP 5 ALBUMS TO COME OUT LATELY:
1. Bruce Springsteen – “We Shall Overcome: The Pete Seeger Sessions” (triumphant nostalgic experiment)
2. Gnarls Barkley – “St Elsewhere” (irrepressible cheeky soul)
3. The Raconteurs – “Broken Boy Soldiers” (the new, and decent, Yardbirds)
4. Yeah Yeah Yeahs – “Show Your Bones” (another vote for music over fashion)
5. The Zutons – “Tired Of Hangin’ Around” (at least three choice cuts)
TUESDAY:
Watched Lockdown. Too tired to go into specifics. Overall – slightly impressed. Styles is f*cking nuts. Daniels needs a title push. Fruits of the forest ice cream. Nice.
For some reason hearing Mike Tenay use his warp-ten hype-voice to scream the scorching revelation “What a shocker here at Lockdown – Christy Hemme’s got an envelope!” had me in stitches for a solid two minutes. Particularly since Don West had switched from his Seriously Baffled face to his Act Confused face. There is such a subtle difference between the two that if he actually knew what he was doing then it could be called an art form.
Other random questions that need to be answered by somebody who had a decent sleep:
Were Team 3D trying to get hired for ECW2 during that interview?
How bad does Zbysko have to dress to make Borash look fashionable?
Who the hell gave Tenay the “Professor” nickname? He gave such dazzling insights as “adding him to the X Division roster brings added depth to the division” and “nobody has been pinned thus far”. Well f*cking gee, do you think??
Why bring back Kicky when they could have gone meta on us and got Curry Man? Or Mister Sparkle!!
How much more pathetic can Konnan’s career get?
Why can’t people try and vary the lame duelling chants by yelling something like “Shut the f*ck up!” after the first one?
Could Sabu actually work a match without a chair?
Does the phrase “Super Angel’s Wings” sound familiar to anybody else? I think it might be the title of a Japanese soap opera or something.
Why did Killings do a cartwheel in the middle of taking a bump?
How demented does Steiner have to be to think that walking up to Sting, bending over, looking straight at him and waiting for five seconds constitutes ‘taking a punch’?
Before I get some much-needed sleep (and fingers crossed I actually hear the alarm tomorrow morning) there’s probably just about enough consciousness left to have a run through the latest issue of the Observer and see if there’s anything interesting going on…
– Cena might be dropping the belt to RVD at the ECW show. Or maybe not. Cena or RVD might be dropping the belt to Flair at Vengeance, which will be in Charlotte this year. Or maybe not, though it is definitely in Charlotte. Cena or RVD or Flair might be dropping the belt to Triple H at SummerSlam. Or maybe Unforgiven, but he’ll definitely be getting it at some point over the summer. For such searing insights, please contact Mr Meltzer.
– Orton treats women like shit because there are a lot of stupid women that a) like Orton and b) like being treated like shit (two points to file under Sad But True). If they reject him, he goes a wee bit cuckoo ga-ga. All this is probably true (and if Orton was hassling the woman he’s said to have been bothering this last time then hell mend him and his limp cock) but hardly news as such…
– Triple H and Burt Reynolds will be advertising Miller Lite together! If there was ever a more choice combination to star in Dude, Where’s My Car II then I’ve yet to hear it. I remember Burt Reynolds being completely smashed off his tits doing the ring announcing at WrestleMania X. Poor guy didn’t know what the hell was going on. He was probably drowning his sorrows at Luna Vachon being the hottest woman in the company back then. Well, unless you count Alundra Blayze but, really, who could? I suppose Vince must have pre-booked some choice hookers for Burt. Or even just forty minutes alone in a room with Dink. Burt was great fun staggering around in the ring, ad libbing with the skill of a third-rate Affleck. “An’ inma pinyin wan o’ tha gratesht tacknicall rasslers in thewurld tud day – Bret Ha… Hitma Bret Hart!” It must have kept Bret warm on those cold winters’ nights in 1997 to know that Smokey was on his side. Or was he the Bandit? Or am I thinking of Burt Lancaster? I’ve never been particularly good with Burts. It’s just one of those odd names destined for ‘blind-spot’ status. Like Bort. Only with a U. By the way, I’m missing a Judge Reinhold film on the telly to type this up. The medication must be working.
– Paul Heyman wants to bring back Mordecai on a developmental deal? Yeah, there’s nothing more extreme than a tall albino with a big staff. Unless you happen to be in Thailand.
– Ken Kennedy’s father died a couple of weeks ago.
Nothing like ending on a downer.
Fuck it, I’m half-assing today but the other half of my ass just doesn’t care and, since it is my favourite half, I’m unapologetically showing bias towards it and going to rest it and its lesser companion in bed.
I don’t know how all you blog nuts can keep this stuff going on a daily basis.
TOP 5 REASONS FOR A WCW REVIVAL:
1. Because Lex Luger is running out of food stamps
2. Scotsman might finally be convinced to review WCW Thunder
3. The Big Wiggle should not be confined to just Orlando, Florida
4. There are still some colours of the rainbow not to have their own nWo faction
5. Tank Abbott could finally get his world title reign
WEDNESDAY:
Another wonderful day of excessive tiredness… even worse, it was that horrible sluggish form of tiredness that makes you into some form of pseudo-zombie whose mind is tuned to Static FM and whose eyes recoil in burning horror from any natural light as though they were immersed in a chlorine vat. Things perked up a little bit in the mid-afternoon, however, since I discovered the joys of adding espresso to hot chocolate.
Here’s an artist’s rendition of the effect:
Fry coffee? Who the hell would want to fry coffee?
Ah, roll on season five. Actually, roll on out the boxsets of The Simpsons so that I can stop at season 10 and avoid the chaff by immersing myself into the nourishing wheat of Futurama on DVD at long last.
I can be surprisingly strict on my DVD purchases at times. I have to be, because at other times I wind up with things like The New Guy. There are many things I would do to watch a scene of Eliza Dushku trying on various bikinis, but watching some third-rate Tobey Maguire (and second-rate Elijah Wood) prance about for an hour and a half is not one of them.
Oh, and I seen Santa Claus this morning. Well, only in passing. He was stopped at the traffic lights while I went round the bend. He drives an SUV and it needs to be washed.
You see now why I avoid blogs for the benefit of mankind. Onto the wrestling news with not a moment to lose…
Sabu has signed an almost-ECW contract. Good for him. I’d love to see the section about insurance and liability.
Jim Ross has posted some predictions about the Backlash matches, which is akin to Hugh Jackman saying “Hey, do you reckon that uptight bloke with the laser-eyes will die in the third film? I like Oklahoma!” I’ll do a proper preview of the show either down below or in the Roundtable or some place anybody pays me to do one. Winamp has gone from The Proclaimers to James Brown to Fozzy. Talk about crashing and burning… Anyway, you can look for Cena, God, Shelton, Kane, Mickie Stratus, Carlito and Flair to win. Someone says God is going to be Mordecai. At times like these there’s nothing to do but stick your fingers in your ears, close your eyes, and sing “Sympathy For The Devil” as loud as you can.
The ECW comeback has been in the works ever since last summer, though since it was reported on a Canadian sports website nobody bothered to pay the blindest bit of attention. Bret Hart used to write for them. I bet Burt Reynolds read it. I want to start up a Spin City style sitcom, only based at the offices of a wrestling promotion. Burt could be the Mayor McMahon type, Bret could be Marty McFly, Bob Orton could be the fat guy nobody talks to, Juvi could be the weird speechwriter, Kamala could be the gay black guy, Lance Storm could be the soulless vacuum that is Martin Sheen’s offspring, and Krysti Myst, Jasmin St Clair and Matt Hardy could be the women that are contractually obligated to be in the cast for half the pay.
Smackdown Your Vote! Because nothing says ‘politics’ like Friday night telly on UPN!
Some people are getting their undergarments in a twirl because TNA is putting Samoa Joe into the Sting/Jarrett feud at Sacrifice. He’ll be teaming with the brunette washout, while Steiner will be suplexing people relentlessly on behalf of the blonde washout. Perhaps the overreaction crowd could contain their senseless vitriol until after the PPV, when we’ll see just where they’re going to take Joe. There’s really no reason why they couldn’t use this to build up to Sting/Joe as the culmination of Sting’s contract rather than a Sting/Jarrett singles match.
The WrestleMania XXII DVD will come with the Hall of Fame induction ceremony, the recent Saturday Night’s Main Event, and a bunch of other assorted crap that you should really not have the time to watch. Or you could buy the No Way Out DVD. You could buy it… for Eddie…
Stacy Keibler will make her final WWE appearance in Fresno, California on the 7th May. It will be in a Save Mart, which is strangely fitting since she’ll probably be going back there for a job interview this time next year.
Breaking news update panic mode! Sabu has not signed a contract with WWE, or even with ECW. He has actually given them a verbal agreement. In wrestling terms that’s about as valuable as Virgil.
The rambling saga of Sanitised Extreme Championship Wrestling continues, with USA Network apparently running a “WWE vs. ECW Head to Head Special” on the 7th June (although it could be the 6th July since the unsettling American manner of listing dates sometimes throws me off). They’re also trying to book the old ECW Arena for a show later that month, plus more shows in Detroit, Chicago, Boston and a bunch of other places that have probably never experienced me. It’s also possible that the glorious AM Raw replay slot – 2am on Saturdays – might be given to a new ECW show, since the timeslot for June is listed as “to be announced” by USA Network. For f*ck’s sake, how much can people possibly read into microscopic inanities?
Ah, hell, if everybody else is doing it then I might as well jump in. This does of course mean FANTASY BOOKING DANGER ALERT BANANA BANANA. Proceed at your own risk.
Okay, so RVD beats Cena at the PPV and wins the WWE Championship. All that has happened on-screen prior to this is basically the same as what happened last year, with various uptight WWE workers taking out their frustrations on the ECW contingent (and presumably challenging them to some matches on that Head-to-Head Special). The day after the PPV, Cena opens up Raw with a little promo to bitch about losing his title and about being placed in a tag match alongside RVD for the main event (doesn’t really matter who… let’s just say HHH and Edge). They have Maria outside the arena, waiting on RVD arriving. The problem is that he just doesn’t turn up. There’s no phone call, no representative, no contact with him whatsoever. The main event goes ahead as a handicap match, still with no RVD. The commentators can play up the fact that the lynchpin of the company, the WWE Champion, has gone missing. WWE.com can follow this up. Shortly after Raw finishes, a new, official, ECW website goes online. There’s a video on it with Heyman chatting to RVD. They let everyone know about the “Extreme Revolution” (as they are apparently-maybe-could-be going to call this movement) and, yes, they go ahead with the Shane Douglas tribute and have Rob dump the spinner belt. He smashes it up and Heyman awards him with a replacement title belt – one customised to match the style of the old ECW belt. RVD announces that he is now the ECW Champion and very kindly tells Vince, Hunter, Stephanie and the rest of them to go do certain lewd things to themselves. The websites can have a mini-feud over the next few days, with WWE.com being officially bewildered and effectively in damage control, while the ECW one is more honest, frank, direct, and ahead of the game (so to speak). On Smackdown, however, RVD turns up and starts recruiting the likes of Kid Kash, Super Crazy and Psicosis to ‘the cause’. They won’t let Mysterio leave Smackdown since he makes too much money – though if he’s still champion a confrontation between him and RVD is a must – but there’s no harm in having Benoit go off to ECW for a few months. Some of the WWE mainstays get pissed off about this and challenge the ‘deserters’ to a match later on, only for RVD to interfere and cost them the victory. At the start of the next Raw the wrestlers go on strike. They’re pissed off at the lack of organisation. The McMahons have been pissing around with Michaels (now gone, presumably) and not bothering to take an interest in the brand as a whole, which let RVD bugger off with the belt and embarrass WWE. They demand a new GM be appointed to ensure such things don’t happen again. Coincidentally, there is one appointed that night – and it will probably be Dusty, so get used to the idea. He notes that Raw refuses to recognise RVD as WWE Champion since he ‘gave his notice’ and so the title is declared vacant. This leads to a tournament, which leads to Flair/HHH at Vengeance in Charlotte, which leads to a 17th reign for Flair. Later in the show we can have another brawl as RVD’s bunch turns up to ruin another match, only for some Raw guys to make the save, only for the non-WWE ECW guys to turn up, only for more Raw guys to turn up and join them, switching allegiances and causing all manner of havoc. Then Styles can tell Coach to go fist his aunt’s withered cunt – or something equally unscripted – and join his people in the ring to celebrate.
Yes that all sounds very sketchy and kind of dumb but I’m too tired to write it out properly. Big paragraph too. Anyway, the bottom line is that it gives Flair one last title without having him beat any reigning champion, whilst also giving the fans one genuinely emotional and memorable moment. He can drop it to someone else (Triple H, obviously) a month or two later, with that special someone (Triple H, naturally) holding it for a lengthy period to atone for the numerous switches so far in 2006. It also gives us the memorable moment of having RVD finally get the big one by beating the detested Cena, segues nicely into having him as the figurehead and champion of the new ECW brand, and doesn’t have him lose any credibility as a result. Hell, he can even go about bragging over how he is an undefeated WWE Champion.
Or whatever.
Here’s the one and only Kevin with some more ECW related info from a local indy show by something called NCW:
“The main eventer this time around was to be the Blue Meanie, but was replaced with Balls Mahoney at the last minute. There was a report going around that Meanie had lung surgery. That’s not true — he did show up and sat in the crowd. I asked him about the lung surgery, and what really happened was he got hit by a car. He looked to be in pretty bad shape — walked with a cane, had some teeth knocked out (though that could have been from before) and was on a good amount of painkillers and probably more.
I talked with Balls, too, about this ECW business. He said, barring the outcome of his trial (he was selling autographs for bail money, I felt bad for the guy) he will be under contract with the WWE beginning June 1. Everyone else, he said, is getting signed May 1, but his got pushed back because they didn’t want to invest in someone that may be in jail for One Night Stand 2 and the rumored resurrection of ECW as a promotion.”
Try to ignore the humour of some guy saying he talked with balls. Pronounce your capital letters correctly in casual conversation. Pencil in Mahoney for either a WWE contract or a prison term. Make your own minds up about which is worse. Similarly, you can decide for yourself whether or not Meanie was hit not by a regular car but by a white stretch limousine with bullhorns on the hood.
Anyway, thanks for the e-mail Kevin.
TOP 5 SCOTTISH MONARCHS:
1. David I
2. Robert I
3. James VI
4. Malcolm III
5. Mary I
THURSDAY:
What a day, what a day. I kick ass at work enough to get transferred to a swankier division while my mum has such a crappy time at her work that she winds up almost in tears (it takes extraordinary stress to get her upset). Peculiar times, alleviated by curry and a Tim Burton movie. You know, that one with Johnny Depp in it? Yeah.
Joey Styles, whose career path is crying out for a melancholic Burton interpretation, is going to do play-by-play for Heat this week since The Coach is still in Europe. Styles said on the officially sanctioned WWE.com interview that “I will be much less restrained on WWE.com’s HEAT than I am on television’s Monday Night RAW. WWE.com fans will hear more of the old Joey Styles, the Extreme Announcer. With my luck, my sarcasm will get me banned from WWE.com.” Furthermore, Michael Cole was interviewed over his recent promotion to managing editor of WWE.com, which was going quite well until the interviewer started probing for potential Smackdown bias in Cole’s future website endeavours. All of these pre-approved rebellious almost-shoots spewing from WWE lately are doing my head in. Then the people who buy into all of this come along and kick me in the nuts. Mine is a squandered sanity.
Ratings! Read ’em if you’re bored, over-analyse ’em if you’re American!
Following on from Keibler’s final WWE appearance being at a warehouse store, Batista’s big return will take place at a flea market. No, seriously. It’ll be for Maryland Championship Wrestling on the 7th May. Allegedly. I can’t imagine WWE being thrilled about him being on a card along with TNA talent like Chris Sabin. Then again, MCW are also advertising Spike Dudley as being on the line-up, which is interesting since Spike Dudley technically died on the 5th July 2005. The bigger picture here is that Batista could be back in action for Smackdown in time for the Great American Bash, which could actually provide the PPV with a somewhat respectable buyrate for once in its measly, non-NWA existence. Did you know that DAVE collects lunch boxes? His favourite one is the Green Hornet.
You should read that last link, it contains such brilliant DAVE quotes as “the day JBL rubs soap on my ass will be JBL’s last day.”
It now seems that the main event of the WWE/ECW special will be a 20-man battle royal. It also seems that the show will be sponsored by Kane’s movie. That’s awfully generous of him. I’d have expected him to sponsor pussycat shelters for all the cute kitties. There is room in this world for Kane to address the serious problem of the 19th May whilst in a room full of adorably fluffy kittens and I hope that we can somehow find it before it is too late.
John Cena’s movie will come out in North America on the 13th October, which makes me perfectly safe across the Atlantic. The rest of you need your inoculations. Other movies due out that day include The Grudge 2, which apparently takes a different path from the original Japanese sequel and also distances itself from the American original by practically ditching Buffy; Marie-Antoinette by Sofia Coppola, which stars Kirsten Dunst and has the women/gay audience that are traditionally lusty enough to cheer for Cena; Sunshine by Danny Boyle, which certainly gets my vote; Flyboys, which sounds like the sort of thing that could make Ted Turner squeal with pleasure; and Infamous, which is a flick about Truman Capote destined to be remembered as “that other flick about Truman Capote”. There’s not really anything else big enough lined-up for October that should stop The Marine from breaking even on its $15 million budget. I look forward to hearing stories of drunken, belligerent wrestling fans paying money to go and see it in the cinema just to heckle Cena on the big screen. Not that I, as a drunken and belligerent wrestling fan extraordinaire, would do such a thing…
RVD did an interview with The Sun newspaper, a.k.a. the cheap and sleazy British rag owned by a boob and featuring daily bare boobs, which mostly dealt with ECW. There’s nothing much to report, though Rob is clearly angling for a match with Triple H at the PPV rather than Cena (or Edge… how quickly we forget…). They’ll have an interview with Benoit up next week, which will mostly cover the same ground and add further fuel to the potential fire that would be Benoit joining ECW2. I guess if WWE superstars were getting interviews on the websites of major U.S. papers then it would be seen as a good thing but damn, it’s embarrassing to know that wrestling fans in the U.K. are viewed as being on the same level as readers of The Sun. At least they’re trying to raise WWE’s U.K. profile now. There’s even a billboard at the end of my street showing Shawn Michaels kicking Hulk Hogan in the head. They should do a billboard with Mordecai and Burt Reynolds, that’ll draw the masses in…
Oh, and Palmer Canon has indeed been granted his official release. Well, at least JBL saved him from having to pay for colonic irrigation.
I’d write more but Teenage Fanclub’s “Discolite” demands my attention.
TOP 5 PEARL JAM ALBUMS:
1. “Live At Benaroya Hall” (their best gig ever, acoustic and for charity)
2. “No Code” (limited rock but no filler and all themed)
3. “Ten” (you know why this is)
4. “Vitalogy” (more hit and miss but oh such hits!)
5. “Riot Act” (growing up angrily)
FRIDAY:
Nope, didn’t happen. Here’s some Melinass instead:
Note Steve Austin is in the front row, lapping it up (or at least considering it).
TOP 5 STUPID SUPPOSEDLY FASHIONABLE ITEMS OF WOMEN’S CLOTHING:
1. Thongs (yes, that’s where the poop comes from, great)
2. Mini-skirts (in Scotland? Dumbass…)
3. Smart-dress short trousers (you are not a 1950s schoolboy)
4. Fringes in large quiffs (if Stefani went bald would you do it too?)
5. Small dogs like Paris Hilton (can we get a ‘cum receptacle’ chant started?)
SATURDAY:
Yeah, yesterday was too drunk to be bothered even looking at a webpage let alone writing about the wrestling news found on it. That would be a far better excuse if I didn’t have a friendly rum and coke sitting beside me at the moment but, hey, a new Pearl Jam album is cause for further celebration – particularly since I managed to get it early. Yes, I still actually buy new albums from time-to-time. The only other bands that I seem to bother doing that for are Oasis and R.E.M., which surely puts me into contention for Geezer status – and about time too.
I do still buy some other albums, but only older stuff that’s been marked down to a more reasonable price. After all, why pay any more than a fiver for something as cheap and tawdry as a CD? Actually, I bought an old Springsteen album today for a fiver. See? Geezer. And proud.
Fuckin’ kids,,.
Speaking of kids, it seems that Randy Orton’s mysterious violation of WWE policy was witnessed by Tom Pritchard and that Pritchard was the one who called in the heavies. Or the McMahons. Or the heavy McMahons, like Stephanie. Not the Brand New Heavies though. Boy, were they ever a waste of time. Not sure what happened to them, but they probably followed the example of M People and the Lighthouse Family by becoming just so boring that the world tired of them and allowed them to wither away.
Of course, Pearl Jam still aren’t boring.
Moral dilemma – do I splurge on Reading Festival tickets to see Pearl Jam or do I splurge on a trip to New York? And do those of you unfamiliar with splurging feel slightly intimidated by that sentence? Oh, I hope you do…
Bret Hart’s ex-wife, a.k.a. “that withered fat Canadian thing”, is trying to get a sequel to Wrestling With Shadows made to show what happened to the Harts in the aftermath of Montreal. Meanwhile, Bret is off in Italy with his new hot wife, lathering one another with suntan lotion and splurging on veritable bliss whenever the opportunity is presenting. I wonder if Blake Hart is still a big Shawn Michaels fan. I bet you Bret buys him leather cowboy chaps for Christmas then kicks him in the nuts, then puts him in the Sharpshooter and speed-dials Hebner to get the official decision.
Hey, Bret has a lot of spare time on his hands and a lot of faulty wiring in his neurological system. Don’t hate the player, hate The Game’s best mate.
That was a pun, you see. I took a wrestling-related phrase and spun it around to feature another wrestler within the context of the individual being discussed. Like this one guy at work who looks like Hurley from Lost? I remarked that “oh, maybe he’s just lost”.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, how I laughed… on the inside… frowning at the world and the fat man blocking the pavement…
Speaking of fat men, Rhino could yet become Rhyno again since his TNA contract expires in July and WWE will be recruiting anybody they can lay their chubby hands on for ECW2. Yes, we could literally be seeing a bidding war for Greasy Von Stubby-Thigh. Conveniently, he will be fighting Jarrett on TNA’s house show at the ECW arena.
Wait a minute… ECW comes back… Pearl Jam start rocking out again… Chili Peppers bring the funk back… Smashing Pumpkins reform… Sting headlines a PPV with games of war involving a roofed cage… Clerks comes back to the cinema…
Exactly who in the hell decided that now was a time for a ’90s revival?
If they have a ’00s revival in the future, will it just consist of regurgitated crap from the ’80s and ’90s?
Ebenezer was a geezer… no, no, I daren’t.
You know what’s weird? Being in Megabowl and having a male stripper turn up to perform his routine. True story.
In an untrue story, rumours have JBL beating RM for the WHT at JD, with RVD using the MITB to face JBL at the ECW PPV rather than JC or HHH for the WWE belt. Sitting here peacefully on a bright sunny day, raising my glass to take a sip of my beverage as I nod sagely in time to the beat of my current only song in the world, I sigh and whisper to nobody in particular – “…bollocks”.
Of course, I just want him to face Cena so that he can wear this shirt.
However, the ECW2 tapings are meant to be taking place alongside the Smackdown tapings, while the ECW2 show will replace the Smackdown B-show, Velocity, both on WWE.com and on international TV. If this is the case then having RVD switch his title aspirations from Raw to Smackdown would probably make more sense, since the ECW2 guys will more than likely form an on-air stable to feud with the Smackdown roster for at least a little while – with JBL already established as a genuine foe for anybody affiliated with ECW. Of course, since this isn’t going to start until after the PPV there’s no reason to think that RVD couldn’t simply be drafted over to Smackdown in order to recruit for his “extreme revolution”. Or there’s the fantasy booking bit I wrote up above, which has RVD becoming affiliated with both brands and could easily let him segue into a JBL feud over feudal Velocity rights or whatever without too much hassle.
In other words – go away, dumb people.
Bring forth the clever women, wherever they may have gone to…
Hogan Knows Best will be back for a third season. I refuse to watch it unless they get Randy Savage involved, or I manage to get the channel that carries the show. Hogan ain’t interesting enough to eat into my torrent bandwith.
Kurt Angle – injured! Again! Rush me my surprise! His King of the Ring opponent, Booker T, himself only a hop, skip and jump away from getting another injury, will now progress straight to the final. His opponent will most likely be Lashley, since Finlay would be rather misplaced and Benoit would just make everyone miss Angle that much more. Losing Angle so shortly after losing Orton, not to mention Mysterio needing time off for surgery, does add further credibility to the idea of shoving all the ECW guys onto the Smackdown brand… just not to the idea of JBL getting the title…
But, I could be wrong. Like that time I went to Vancouver without being gay.
Anyway…
OTHER STUFF YOU SHOULD READ ON THIS PARTICULAR SITE:
Mark Neeley, for being brave enough to watch Great American Bash ’05 more than once…
Michael Fitzgerald for doing his first-ever video review on a show nobody’s ever heard of…
Jeremy Lambert for thinking that the first person to beat Joe will be C.M. Punk…
Bambi Weavil for being, like, all female and shit…
Eric Something for overreacting about Star Trek… he’s also probably sobbing over the fate of Sarah Jane and K-9…
I’m meant to link to some Sports column somebody wrote too but I’ve completely forgot the name of it, so feel free to just head on over to the Sports section and see if you can find out which one it is…
Manolis Vamvounis for hating the latest issue of Fantastic Four even more than I did…
Michelangelo McCullar for not going over the top about the new Prince album like most reviewers did…
And, yeah, send me an e-mail complaining about news items I reported as though I had anything to do with them. Those are always fun.
Or KingKongBurnside on AIM.
Death to Bill not Ted. See you next week.
