Hi everybody! Welcome to your wrestling power hour. You will have to excuse me if I am a little distracted today, but the NFL draft is starting at the same time, so my attention will probably be divided.
The Official World Wrestling Entertainment Intro to start. The black and white footage lends an air of venerability to a product that brought us simulated necrophilia.
They must not have much in terms of action for the show, because we get the full intro along with the opening pyro. Maybe it is just to show off the fact that the show is originating from Jolly Ol’ England, home of the Bridish. Our main event is Shane verses Shawn, with God being dropped from the match. The Almighty probably refused to put the Masterlock over if Masters did a run in.
Here comes Edge along with the Dick Ashtray known as Lita, dressed to ramble on for a few minutes. They aren’t the most comfortable looking couple. Edge says that evidently there is some sort of three way match this Sunday, which will involve Edge and two other men. Guess that is why it’s called a triple threat match. We get a video recap of Edge pinning Trip in the handicap match last week, then pinning Cena after Cena had a 30 minute match against five other men. Very impressive wins indeed. The crowd boos away at Edge, but begins to cheer as your king of kings, Triple H, makes his way to the ring with his official promo music. Joey points out that, while Trip did tap out to Cena on the biggest stage in wrestling, he did get the pin fall victory over Cena during a handicap match. That more than makes up for it. The Triple H chants start up as he steps in the ring. Last week Trip wanted to send a message to Cena. Probably easier to just hit him up on the Sidekick yo. The mention of Cena brings a chorus of boos from the crowd. On Sunday, Trip’s only goal is to become an 11 time world champion. He will go through anyone, which must have been Cena’s cue to make his first appearance of the evening. Well, that and his music hit. The crowd just about boos Cena out of the building. Cena charges the ring and immediately starts attacking Trip, which allows Edge and his sex hole to make a quick exit. See, this is supposed to make edge look smart because he is conserving himself for Sunday. Cena beats Trip out of the ring and right when Trip is about to hop back in to continue the fight (taking off his shirt for the ladies) the Squad appears. The Spirit Squad. The Coach tells us that we have got to love these guys. The King replies with venom, “No, I don’t gotta love these idiots.” The Squad wastes valuable show time doing a horrible cheer to announce a five on three match, with the Squad taking on Cena, Edge, and Trip. Yippee!
Be forewarned, they are running the date May 19 on the bottom of the screen throughout the show. Kane is gonna getcha!
A commercial for next week’s RAW can’t spoil this show because of the pay-per-view. Take that you bastards!
Meanwhile, in the NFL Draft, the Texans have proven they have no idea what they’re doing by selecting Mario Williams, an iffy effort defensive end out of NC State. They could have had Reggie Bush out of USC, but now they can enjoy the number one pick in the draft again and again over the next five years. Good for them.
Oh crap, RAW is back on. RVD is headed to the ring for what looks like some three on three action, where he will team up with Carlito and Charlie Haas to take on Shelton Benjamin, Matt Striker and, damn it, Chris Masters. Well, at least only RVD got an entrance. We immediately jump into the middle of the match, where RVD starts off by hitting a standing hurricanrana on Shelton and a kick to send him to the outside. RVD and Haas clear the ring of the baddies, and then the pothead flips over the top rope to the outside, landing on Striker and Masters. We skip ahead again, this time with Haas in control of things. Hey, the crowd popped for Haas! The beard really as done wonders. After some heel shenanigans Carlito gets in the ring and hits the back cracker on Shelton. However, this allows his former bosom buddy Masters to lock on the Masterlock. Haas is able to break that up, but Striker breaks up Haas’ pin attempt. This allows Shelton to hit his slam, but RVD is on the top rope and nails the IC champ with a leaping dropkick. A rolling thunder surprisingly gets the pin and the win. That was a great five minute preview for a match that would have been entertaining if the transitions had been put in so that it made sense.
Commercial for the Triple Threat match. Basically, they all think they deserve the belt, and they all think they are going to win. Good for them.
Back at the draft and New Orleans is on the clock. They must be fielding trade proposals. As a Niner fan, I am hoping they can trade up to get Bush, thus stopping Alex Smith from becoming a bust for at least another week or two. Well, it probably wouldn’t help, but I can dream. Tennessee is up next, so the whole quarterback fiasco is about to start.
Time for the WWE Rewind, which is the Coach trying to make out with Candice. Viscera interferes, telling Coach, “What you were thinking about doing to her, how about I do that to you?” He then splashes Coach. Coach is into some freaky stuff.
HBK is out, with the McMahon’s already in the ring. Wait, isn’t this the announced main event? Can the main event happen in the middle of the show? Joey refers to Shane as, “The product of his [Vince’s] omnipotent semen.” Now that is how you want to be introduced. Shane and Shawn trade punches. Shawn stops when he sees Vince, which makes me wonder why he can’t stop like that every time they throw him into the ropes. Shane tries to attack from behind while Shawn is distracted, but is thrown to the outside for his troubles. HBK heads to the outside, and the two McMahons take advantage by bashing Shawn’s head into the steel ring post. Back in the ring, Shane hits some forearms to Shawn’s back. Shane slaps on a reverse standing headlock, and then drives his knee into Shawn’s back. That gets a two and Shane goes for another rest hold. Of course, this means Shawn is on the comeback, hitting chops in the corner. Shane reverses Shawn into the corner and puts on the Torture Rack, then drops Shawn to the mat and gets a two. Shane goes up top and misses the moonsault. At least it looked good. Both P.O.O.S. (Product of Omnipotent Semen) and Shawn up and begin trading punches, with Shawn taking control. Shane throws Shawn off the ropes, but Shawn hits the flying forearm and then does his jump up. Shawn puts Shane down with punches, and then heads up top. Vince hops up on the apron as a distraction, so HBK punches him off. Joey screams, “HBK just drilled Mr. McMahon between his evil eyes.” It looked like he punched Vince in his evil mouth, but whatever. Shawn finally hits the elbow drop on Shane and then tries to set up for the Sweet Chin Music, but Vince pulls him out of the ring. Shawn wails on Vince for a bit and puts him on the announce table. HBK goes for the elbow drop, but Shane crotches him and pulls Vince off the table. Vince NAILS Shawn in the head with the ring bell (it actually rings when it hits) on the outside, allowing Shane to set Shawn up on the announce table. Shane-O-Mac hits the elbow off the top rope, which finally wakes up the crowd, who begin to chant “Holy Shit” and “ECW.” The revival has legs! The fans want it! Ok, it actually looked like he hit the table, but it was close enough. After that Vince goes on his little anti-God tirade, screaming, “I told you Shawn, God’s not here tonight! God has abandoned you. On Sunday at Backlash, God will be a chicken!” Well, I suppose God could take the form of a chicken if it was necessary. Vince finishes it off, “Praise be the name of Shane Brandon McMahon!” Brandon? Vince yells Amen a few times and we are all left to wonder how long it will be until the Christian Coalition starts forcing the few advertisers they have left to pull their spots.
Back to the NFL Draft and Tennessee is on the clock. Is it Matt Leinart, or is it Vince Young. The pick is…Young. Guess that means Leinart is a Raider. Hey, that means the 49ers can select Leinart like they wanted to last year!
Oh yeah, RAW. They want you to go see their house shows. Please go. Triple H has a tour bus fuel tank to fill.
Here comes Mickie! Wait, she actually looks like Mickie! Still hot, put not Single White Female hot. She starts, “Ok, ok I’ll admit it. I did just get a liiiiiiiiittle bit carried away, didn’t I?” She is priceless. Mickie admits that maybe she did go a little bit too far in trying to become Trish Stratus but, after last week, she knows exactly who she is, that being Mickie James! Her voice reminds me a little of Luanne from King of the Hill. Here comes Trish Stratus, still in Mickie James mode. King comments, “When I see Trish like that, I wanna give her a good seeing tube.” Wait, isn’t she a little old? She might have pubic hair, which is not cool with the King. Trish and Mickie do the old jinx thing, saying the same thing at the same time. Finally Mickie flips and throws some punches, which leads Trish to miss a chick kick, which leads Trish to try again and actually hit the chick kick, which leads to the end of the segment. This is still the best feud they have. Mickie is hilarious. Hopefully she doesn’t go the route of Victoria after this feud is all said and done.
The King cuts a promo for the five on three, which now the unofficial main event, while the HBK match that happened ten minutes ago was the official one.
We get a video package for the God match at Backlash. I hope that HBK wears a large cross during the match then, when it looks like he is going to lose the match, he grabs it and calls up to the heavens, which brings down a bolt of lighting that strikes Vince in the genitals. That is how you end a feud.
The Jets are on the clock, trying to choose between Leinart or the tackle D’Brickashaw Ferguson out of Virginia. It looks like they are going to go with the tackle, meaning Leinart will continue to drop. This is terrible. I actually find myself agreeing with Michael Irvin. Though I actually think the Chad Pennington era can be saved, it seems the Jets don’t, so Leinart should be the choice.
Back in the land of WWE, Triple H gets his second entrance of the night, this time with original “ass kicking” music. Edge is already in the ring, which shows his place on the food chain. Styles on Trip, “He honestly believes the championship should always be his.” What, can’t you buy Trip as the World Champ at age 65? The Champ…is…here, getting his second entrance of the show as well. I think the crowd wishes he had only received one. Oh, the Squad is already out as well. Those spunky cheerleaders start by introducing themselves to the triple threat participants, leading the three to attack them. The world title contenders argue over who should start the match, and Trip gets attacked from behind as we go to a break.
Nashville Star is next! Find out how Cowboy Troy will give verbal cunnilingus to Wynonna this week!
We are back for more action packed excitement! Wait, I was mistaken, as Edge is in the ring. He slap tags in Trip, who looks none too pleased. Trip smashes a Squader in the corner and then slams the little guy down. Trip pulls an old DX crotch chop out and then hits the knee to the head. Kenny breaks up the pin attempt, which allows Trip to hit a hard tag on Cena. Cena goes for his cradle suplex and then punches Kenny in the head in the corner. The ref gets distracted and the other members of the Squad attack. Cena is stuck on the outside and all four of the Squaders on the apron attack. Kenny rolls Cena back in and gets a two count. A new Squader is tagged in and hits the flip onto Cena for a two count. Cena is put in a headlock which slows the match down horribly. The Champ starts to punch his way into a comeback, but an eye rake stops that. Why is Cena selling for these guys? Another one gets tagged in. Mikey it looks like. Mikey goes for a cheap shot on Trip, allowing Cena to get a little offense in. Mikey heads up top, but he gets hit in the gut by Cena. Trip makes the blind tag, and he will definitely not sell for these losers, so he kicks all their asses. Trip sets up for a Pedigree, but all five Squaders gang up on the Son-in-Law to put a stop to it. Cena goes to help, allowing them to set up the FU and Pedigree on the couple of members of the Squad left in the ring. Edge decides he has had enough of this crap and walks off, leaving Cena and Trip in the ring to attack one another. Edge smiles on the ramp, and that is that.
They tried their hardest to sell Backlash and they did a decent job for what they have. Once again it was the HBK/McMahon segment that dragged it down.
See you next week, when we may have a new champion, Shelton may have the Money in the Bank briefcase, and God may show up. But, probably not.
