AND WE’RE WATCHING WRESTLING!
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO JACK BAUER?
WHAT ABOUT SYDNEY BRISTOW?
LOOK SOME PLACE ELSE….
THIS IS:
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Welcome to the Monday Night Report that is growing bigger than Hurley on Lost. The report that is more honest than O’Reilly and more legible than O RLY. The report that doesn’t tell you if we have jobs.. we probably don’t… we’re probably just a bunch of ne’er do well’s living la vida loca on a stolen laptop in the middle of the hood.
First off – The Monday Night Rabble is brought to you by:
Inside Pulse – Your home for Pop Culture and home of the Rabble.
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MondayNightRabble.Com – Where the Rabble & Rabblecast will always live.
Second off – Thank you all who took the time to email me and the Rabble to let us know how much we mean to you. The comments were 95% positive – and apparently we are the place to be for your snarky Monday Night Review… so why am I prattling on and not reviewing? I DON’T KNOW!
And here are this week’s deviants:
CHRIS – Selling children’s kidneys for blow
ERIC – Stealing hubcaps to support his Mountain Dew habit
DANI – Her last husband wouldn’t eat his mushrooms
HERNANDEZ – Stealing the airwaves with the RabbleCast!
JENNA – Jaywalking… with knives
BILL – Creating fake Magic cards and $2 bills
..and me.. your second degree host – James Hatton
Vinnie starts us off – “Last week – my son..”
“…died.” – Bill
Apparently all that saved him was his superior conditioning and his superior genetics. Since it was an accident, he wants a public apology from he who perpetrated this act – Triple H. A sincere apology. Otherwise, there will be vengeful retaliation.
“AND YOU WILL KNOW my name is McMahon!!” – Bill
Also we have a five man handicapped of Spirit Squad vs. HBK
We have John Cena vs. Chris Masters in a Masterlock
Right now though we have a thingy in the ring and here comes Mick Foley!
“Guess who is in the back?” – Hernandez
“Sandman?” – Me
“Miss Elizabeth?” – Chris
“…Paul Heyman.” – Hernandez
Foley wants us to know that he is not a bad guy. It’s ok to cheer him, and ‘boos’ aren’t necessary. He’s a human muppet and it’s GREAT to be here in Las Vegas! He gets the cheers. “Even though it’s NOT great to be here in Las Vegas…” He gets boos.
“Mick you almost had it..” – Dani
“He’s been upset since Roy got bitten by a tiger.” – Bill
He earned his money – didn’t win it by dropping a quarter in a Slingo machine. He earned it much like his guest tonight… Edge!
SO here they come – and where we discuss how awesome Lita is… no I’m kidding – he gets to the ring.
“We had the greatest hardcore match in history!” – Foley
“We built this city!” – Chris
“Jefferson Foley?” – Me
So Foley wants to give Edge a present. He presents him with the old Hardcore title!
“24/7!!!” – Dani
“Well this is how they get the ECW title back” – Chris
Edge cries a bit and discusses with Mick how he can’t accept the Hardcore title. It’s Mick’s right. Foley is not ok with Edge giving the belt. He thinks Edge deserves it. Mick thinks Edge deserves it. There is only one way to resolve this.. tonight.. one more time!
Edge has got a better idea – and he has Lillian Garcia announce them as JOINT holders as the Hardcore Champion.
But wait! Here comes Paul Heyman!
“This is the only state that it’s legal – so I find it ironic that I see live prostitution in the ring.” – Heyman
“I DIDN’T DO IT!” – Bill as Lita
“Lita, I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to YOU Mick Foley. You see, Mick Foley, you are a prostitute. Here you are, a legend, a man who gave his blood sweat and tears to entertain” – Paul
“His ear” – Eric
“His teeth” – Dani
“An accumulated half hour of memories..” – Hernandez
“You prostitute the fan’s love and admiration for Edge and Lita. Hey Lita, you prostituted your name. You prostituted your legacy, but I’ll be damned if I allow you to prostitute the name of Hardcore. Why don’t you Mick, tell me what it’s like, to look in the mirror and see in the reflection – a shell of your former self.” – Heyman
Do you know what Mick sees when he looks in the mirror?
“A failed author..” – Bill
He sees an action figure. A WWE star. An author who will have a new book in Spring. And Paul is a cog in the wheel.
“Paul DOES have the power to make a challenge. I’m involved in this little project called ECW: One Night Stand. My suggestion to you, is that at ECW: One Night Stand – you co-holders of the Hardcore Title and introduce you two to a hardcore experience that neither of you could ever deny.” – Paul
“The most dangerous match ever… unprotected sex with Lita.” – Hernandez
So Mick says no – but Paul is laughing. He makes a crack at Edge and Lita – and Edge accepts the challenge. And as Edge and Mick go after Paul – here comes FUNK AND DREAMER!
“How’s he going to make it to the match?” – Chris
“How’s he going to make it to the ring?” – Me
So Dreamer tosses Edge down to the ring. Funk throws Foley into the stairs. Edge and Foley bail to the outside as Funk charges with the barbed wire bat and Dreamer has the kendo stick. Dreamer screams to the audience.
“WHO ARE YOU!!??!” – Hernandez as the audience.
“They have stuff wrapped in other stuff.. oooo” – Bill
COMMERCIAL (One – 9:21)
Hey look – another Diva search on WWE… crap… people have been asking if I’m going to do another RAW Diva Search…
Maybe. Write me and we’ll talk.
Now here comes RVD with his case.
“I bet he’s airbrushed” – Dani
AND SO HE IS!
And this is going to be a rematch for the IC Title.
RVD vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN
I-C-Rematch
Lock up – side headlock from RVD – toss to the ropes – and RVD shoulder checks Shelty down and as they get to his feet – RVD kicks Shelton to the side. RVD suplexes Shelton with the roll on top for two count.
RVD picks up Shelty and eats an elbow – and as they get to their feet – RVD catches Shelton’s leg – does the step over kick. RVD then goes for the Rolling Thunder and a MISS!
Shelty bails to the outside and…
COMMERCIAL (Two – 9:28)
We’re back and Shelton has RVD in a chinlock – RVD fights out of it – and Shelton tries to pick him up for a slam but RVD falls down for two. RVD leaps over Shelton for a sunset flip for two. Shelty pulls RVD into a lying wrapped chinlock and we are in another hold spot. WHEEEEE!
RVD – whaddya know – fights out of it – and as he’s running away – Shelton pulls his hair head slam down.
“..RVD.. neck bump” – Hernandez
“They should have a Rock Hudson match – first one to full penetration wins.” – Chris
HEY RVD gets tossed to the corner – and Shelty misses a splash OUCH! RVD hits the high kick off the top rope – then a pair of clotheslines and a side kick for two.. Although we missed it..
“THANKS FOR CUTTING AWAY TO THE FAT KID!” – Hernandez
RVD hits another Rolling Thunder for two.
“Is that ever enough?” – Eric
“Isn’t that a rollercoaster?” – Dani
So RVD hits the ropes – Shelton grabs him in a samoan drop – and somehow.. SOMEHOW bumps the ref.. BADLY.. and the ref is watching as Shelton charges RVD.. RVD hits the Van Daminator… the ref watches it…
“LAME!” – Eric
“I called this whole match.” – Chris
“That’s not against the rules – look in the rulebook under RVD” – Hernandez
Now RVD is upset due to the DQ and climbs the ropes..
“ROB DON’T BE A FOOL!” – Bill
“Hit the ref!” – Eric
WINNER via DQ: SHELTON
“And the referee with that very controversial decision” – JR
“..yeah.. controversial.. I’m going to call my senator” – Me
So in the back ZZ Top is here.
“Do they tour with the WWE now?!?!” – Dani
So Vince introduces Candace and we get a cheap pearl necklace joke…
“Is there ever a good pearl necklace joke?” – Chris
“No, I think we have to go with a map of Hawaii joke nowadays” – Me
“Ooo an old Jay Mohr bit, good one.” – Dani
“Hey, Joe Shmoe 2 did the pearl necklace joke and it was good…” – Bill
COMMERCIAL (Three – 9:40)
We get a replay of Trips’ hit to Shane..
“The most vicious maneuver ever – a sledgehammer covered with a hand!” – Hernandez
“That’s because his bones are made of adamantium” – Bill
And now our 9:45 apology spot! Here comes Vinnie Mac and he explains that the man coming down hit his son with a sledgehammer.
“Test” – Hernandez
He asks Triple H to come on down….
…and waits…
…and
“THE KING OF KINGS”
“Lemmy?” – Hernandez
“How come when I hear this music I think Guitar Hero?” – Dani
“Because that’s all I do?” – Me
“All Motorhead songs sound the same?” – Dani
So Trips gets to the ring. Vince thinks Trips has something to say. Vince reminds Trips of something Shawn once said to him. He should act his age, and move on – and ever since then Shawn’s life has been a living hell. So he wants a sincere apology or else there will be swift, vengeful retaliation. So he wants to hear those two words.
“Suck it?” – Eric
“Good call.” – Me
“TWO WORDS?” – Says Trips
“TEASE!!!!!” – Hernandez
“You want two words? That works out great, because I’ve got two words for ya..” – Trips
“I’m sorry” – Eric
“I’m sorry” – Trips
“I said it!” – Dani
Vince accepts his apology. Only if, after the Spirit Squad destroys Shawn, you come out and..
“Crucify him” – Bill
Bring out a sledge hammer and crush his skull. Trips extends his hand – they shake – and Trips holds the hand for a longer moment “We definitely have an understanding..”
“I like that Shawn’s not watching in the back.” – Chris
COMMERCIAL (Four – 9:51)
Hey this weekend See No Evil opened to an astounding 4 million dollars! Ironically, I know more people that saw that in theaters than Da Vinci Code that did 40 million… I think I’m hanging with the right people.
Todd introduces Kane.
“Look how mad he is about the receipts” – Chris
“May 19th” – Kane
“Was a bad day for receipts” – Chris
“Was the day my family was burned in a fire…” – Kane
“Continuity!?” – Chris
So he’s got a match later… but first…
“My night has begun!” – Bill
“..the master cheese” – Chris
“YOU CAN’T MOCK THAT… THAT’S…. THAT’S…
POWDERED TOAAASSSST MAAAAAN!” – Bill
“..i hope he locks in the master schlock..” – Chris
“He’s been complaining about his lack of success last week” – JR
“..maybe his lack of talent?” – Chris
So Masters comes down to much enjoyment by us!
So the crowd is screaming for Cena!
“The Las Vegas loves the Cena!” – Me
“No the Las Vegas hates the Masters!” – Bill
Cena is stunned due to the audience…
“Why is Cena so angry? He has to wrestle Masters” – Chris
CENA vs. MASTERS
WORLD TITLE MATCH
Lock up to start. Push to the corner and a cheapshot from Masters – who begins to punch and club down on Cena… Cena throws Masters to the ropes – elbow to his head, and a slam down for ONE.
Cena throws Masters – kick to Masters and a set-up for the FU – but Masters drops and clotheslines Cena down hard! Masters throws Cena over the top rope – brings him in and then hits the vertical suplex for two. Masters poses giving the Clan of the Cavebear hand motion which I guess is the signal for the Masterlock…
He fights to get it in there.
“STOP THE MADNESS – CENA’S HAVING A SEIZURE!” – Eric
“Put your wallet in his match” – Chris
Cena charges the ropes and both bail over the top…
COMMERCIAL (Five 10:03)
Hey we’re back and Cena is punching Masters.
“HEY WRESTLING…… Oh.. nevermind” – Bill
Cena clotheslines Masters down a few times – flying crossbody – a boot to Masters face and then hits the STFU and in record time – MASTERS TAPS!
“We found Masters weakness…. wrestling moves..” – Me
WINNER: JOHN CENA
Hey wait a second though – here comes RVD?
RVD wants Cena to savor his time with the title because he has a chance for the title whenever he wants…
“..and Cena doesn’t..” – Me
RVD is not going to use the case here where he could be screwed out of it by the WWE… he wants it at…
“The Quik Chek down the street” – Me
He of course wants it at One Night Stand – and Cena seems stunned! WHY!??! So they go nose to nose – and they go fist to fist – Cena hits a nice front slam! Out of nowhere here comes Masters!?!??! Ok – so Cena throws him over the top. RVD tosses him the case and a badly dropped Van Terminator drops Cena.
The crowd boos…
..wait a minute..
People have been cheering for MONTHS for RVD and ECW.. and the one night RVD makes his stand… Cena gets the cheers? We live in a weird world.
COMMERCIAL (Six 10:12)
Maria in the back with Carlito! Carlito wants Maria to cheat at cards… it’s the most adorable thing ever… not to mention Carlito is hiding an ace in his hair.
So Snitsky is waiting on a Showgirl – he takes a mint-
“Oh god that was a roofie” – Me
who happens to be… Golddust…
“What are you doing Snitsky” – Golddust
“Looking at your six chins…” – Chris
Carlito and Maria walk off discussing how what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
“Dustin – how far you’ve fallen” – Eric
Trips and Shawn in the background – Shawn goes nose to nose with Trips… Shawn wants to know what was up with Trips’ apology. Trips feels that Shawn is being Holier Than Thou. Shawn calls Trips a sell out and bails.
“Who was that in the background?” – Bill
“I don’t know” – Eric
“I think it was Umaga’s jobber waiting for his turn..” – Bill
COMMERCIAL (Seven 10:19)
In the ring is… Murdoch… who is making fun of See No Evil… umm… ok…
BOOM!
OH! Here comes Kane! I get it now… oy.
KANE vs. MURDOCH
..why?..
SO Kane punches Murdoch down – throws him to the corner with a short clothesline.
Murdoch pokes him in the eye and clips the leg – goes to hit Kane but gets chokeslammed.
WINNER: KANE
Kane then chokeslams him again.
“Hey why not again???” – Bill
Ok there is actually a ONE MORE TIME chant… which is pretty amusing as Kane goes in and does it .. AGAIN!
PYRO!
The Kane Mask now talks to him.
“…but… the movies out… it bombed… why is this happening?” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL (Eight 10:25)
This Week in Wrestling History – May 27, 1996
On that night – Scott Hall appears in WCW
“Has a drink… and goes home.” – Hernandez
Hall invades WCW beginning the NWO.
Now here comes Torrie… with her new theme music… and her dog has a hat stapled to his head.
And now – here comes Mickey James!
TORRIE vs. MICKEY
Breasts
Lock up to start – headlock from Mickey, but Torrie clips her leg down and rolls her for a pin for two.
“Slipping a finger in there” – Bill
Torrie gets Mickey to her feet and Mickey rushes her to the corner to break it – and then chops Torrie down. Punches to her gut and then sends Torrie to the other corner. Torrie leaps over and rolls up with a cradle for two. Torrie hits a clothesline and a dropkick – followed with a neckbreaker for two. Torrie actually showing some skills… where did they come from?
A hotshot from Mickey followed by a bunch of punches and a kick. A real high end DDT from Mickey and that’s that.
WINNER: MICKEY JAMES
“Is this a squash match night?” – Hernandez
Hey here comes Trish – who introduces Raw’s newest DIVA. Beth Phoenix.
Mickey bails and then gets clotheslined by Beth. They fight it out on the outside.
“Somebody released the T-Virus into the back and that’s what we got” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL (Nine 10:35)
In the ring is Viscera.
“OH MY GOD.. WHY?!?!??!” – Me
“Because the show couldn’t be worse..” – Me
“Because he couldn’t fit on Heat this week” – Hernandez
“I quit, good bye..” – Eric
“EDDIE EDDIE” – Me
Okay so Viscera asks Lillian to come to the ring.
“THEY ARE CONTINUING A STORY THAT ENDED 6 MONTHS AGO!?” – Me
“No they are continuing a story that didn’t begin 6 months ago!” – Bill
SO Lillian addresses that the last time they were in Vegas – The Godfather had him leave with a bunch of hoes. He explains that if Lillian goes with Visc, he won’t have to eat so much, he’ll come home and eat her home cooking.
So he goes to a knee and asks her to marry him.
“OH MY GOD!!! HE… GOT TO ONE KNEE!” – Bill
Hey – ARMANDO ALEJANDRO ESTRADA interrupts this travesty to make it a bigger travesty… he then sets up the match nobody asked for.
UMAGA vs. VISCERA
……..
As Umaga gets to the ring – Visc punches him and they head to the outside.
“It’s not the hits in this match that hurts.. it’s the body ripple effect.” – Hernandez
So on the outside Umaga beats the hell out of Viscera.
“Viscera’s leaking butter all over the ring..” – Me
“That’s not butter – that’s lard” – Jenna
“I don’t believe it’s not butter” – Bill
So Umaga hits the dropping headbutt. Armando breaks the cigar. Viscera eats the thumbdrop of doom.
“So the breaking of the cigar is akin to Miyagi giving the nod?” – Chris
In the back – the Spirit Squad. They seem happy…
“WE’RE GONNA GET OUR ASSES KICKED!” – Chris
So the SS find Triple H and explain that Hunter must wait until the signal. They give a ‘Yay destroying HBK’ cheer and Hunter watches on annoyed.
SIGN OF THE NIGHT: SIGN 3:16
Shawn runs on in with a chair! Vince though interrupts him… and relieves the ref of duty, and makes him take Shawn’s chair with him.
THE SPIRIT SQUAD vs. HBK
Tram POP O Line!
So the Spirit Squad attacks Shawn – like a pack of dogs.
“Or Dominoes” – Hernandez
So they gangrape Shawn Michaels in the ring.
“This is like watching gay snuff” – Chris
They toss Shawn a good 10 feet into the air and even Vince winces.
“AWW crap there goes my premium” – Me
Now each one takes turns hitting him with legdrops and knee drops and a couple standing moonsaults.
“Shawn’s leather pants protect him” – Chris
Double suplex.
“So when’s Trips coming out?” – Chris
“It’s 10:58.. I say at 11:02..” – Me
They set a human pyramid up – and Mitch leaps off them badly. So Shawn gets held and as they run in with a chair – Shawn ducks and tosses one over the top. Then another. Onto the trampoline – ouch. So Shawn grabs the chair and clears house! He hits the flying elbow right onto Nickie.
Now he’s tuning up the choir..
J E S U S C H R I S T – WHAM…. another SS stands.. WHAM… another stands and MITCH stops it by snapping the leg with the steel chair. Nice shot actually.
So the SS now go back to clearing out Shawn – they rip off his pants and now work on his leg… including a nice DDT to his leg – not bad. They set his leg into the chair and it’s time for some leg Pillmanization!
Kenny hits the top turnbuckle and Kenny flies like a master – and HITS the chair! OH MY GOD it was fantastic.
Vince screams into the mic and calls down Trips! (11:03.. I was close)
Trips heads to the ring.
“IF we could have a commercial break – there would be one” – Dani
The SS pick up Shawn for Trips. Kenny watches on as the other four hold Shawn.
Kenny takes the Sledgehammer from Trips – Kenny’s about to charge in, but Trips steps in the way. Kenny charges in anyway – and Hunter spinebusts Kenny – neckdrops someone else – tosses another out…. Triple H goes nuts and clears house! Hits a Pedigree onto Kenny.
Vince and Trips have a staredown from the ring to the top of the key.
Do we get a crotch chop before the end?
No. No we don’t.
“Hot ending for a shitty show” – Me
“Very hot ending for a very shitty show.” – Chris
“Shitty show for such a hot ending” – Bill
“Good and shitty for a show ending” – Jenna
“Shitty Shitty Bang Bang for a Show Show” – Hernandez
“I don’t have one.” – Eric
Okay well I think that’s it. Here though is Penny!
Well, once again Hockey has pre-empted the live Raw for an hour and I’m left running behind. Actually, it’s after 7 as I type and Hockey is STILL on. I f’ing HATE Hockey.
Oh well.
I know the Rabble is a Raw-centric column but having no Raw to write about, let’s toss up a few notes from Judgment Day.
– Melina & Jillian frankly put on a genuine MOTN candidate. They went longer and performed better than anyone expected from this match. They got the crowd heavily into the match. They punished each other brutally, and they showed that Mickey, Trish, and Victoria aren’t the only true talents in the WWE. And why? BECAUSE of Mickey and Trish. See, Mickey and Trish have been putting in efforts that frankly put half the men to shame for months now, and have thus raised the bar for other women to outdo the men. This match was easily better than JBL/Rey and UT/Khali, arguably better than the CW match, and at least on par with Benoit/Finlay.
– My wife noticed some pretty stiff punches in the post-match MNM implosion. One wonders if Nitro legitimately pissed Mercury off, or if they secretly decided to not hold back to make it look better.
– I am honestly and utterly amazed that Taker not only sold for Khali, but put him over, and cleanly at that. I’m just utterly baffled. Did Mark piss off Stephanie somehow? this just boggles me. It seems obvious to most of the IP Smarks that Khali has a very limited shelf-life. Hey maybe that’s it. Maybe all the things about judgment Day that don’t make sense in WWE terms are Steph trying to piss off the smarks. She IS that petty. I mean, matches the IWC were sure would got a 10 minutes or less treatment went 15 or more
and those involved got to show their stuff. Outcomes that were a foregone conclusion to the ICW… weren’t.
All in all, Judgment Day outdid every WWE PPV so far this year except Wrestlemania, which to be honest, only stays higher for Edge/Foley and MacMahon/Micheals. Why can’t Raw be this good?
Til next time, I’m Penny, and I made Hyatt cry.
OK kids – again email me to let me know whether you want another DIVA contest.. G’nite…
