Contradicting Popular Opinion
A.K.A.
An Enquiry Concerning Winning Friends and Influencing People (or barring that, annoying the shit out of those around you).
intro
So, it is another scattered brain week here at CPO. So rather than kill a movie you love, I figured I’d help you out a bit. You see, it is summer movie season as of… well… I guess now.
Yes.
That very second at which you just read that sentence.
Anyways, Summer Movie Season is like Lent, only people go to theaters on Fridays instead of eating fish.
And every Friday is pretty good.
And it usually has very little to do with Jesus.
And fewer Peeps.
And instead of hunting for Easter Eggs, you hunt for a hint of intelligence in standard blockbuster detritus.
As you can see, it is another scattered brain week here at CPO. So rather than kill a movie you love, I figured…
We did that already?
Oh.
And now, a man with three buttocks.
Where were we?
Ah, irritating people. You see, there are two types of people in this world. Those that enjoy making Snakes on a Plane jokes, those that want to kill the first type of person, and those who have no idea what Snakes on a Plane is.
THREE! Three types of people in this world.
We here at CPO feel it our duty to facilitate discussion on this most important of topics. We shall spread around many bad jokes, so that you too may win friends, influence people, and annoy the holy hell out of those around you.
SNAKES ON A MOTHER-FUCKING PLANE
We have less than 3 months until the release of what will undeniably become the GREATEST FILM this side of Citizen Kane and Road House, namely, Snakes on a Plane. Snakes on a mother-f*cking plane, yo. Earlier in the day, I was so excited that I wrote this haiku entitled “Snakes on the Plane of our existence”:
Samuel L. Jackson
Snakes on an M-Fing Plane
August from New Line
I don’t know if August really counts as a season… It needs a little work. Maybe
The Hot Summer Sun
Anticipation Rises
Serpents on a Jet
That’s a little better, I guess.
What? Snakes on a Plane?
Fuckin’ A Snakes on a Plane
Summertime blossoms
At any rate, I have made it my duty, to spread the aeronautical ophidian love as much as possible. With the help of countless others (mostly Kyle, the Medici waitress), Contradicting Popular Opinion has constructed a way to not just make this film a franchise, but an entire industry. So, for your consideration, here are some of the ideas that we have come up with:
Films
1. A horde of deadly cobras attack a New Orleans college Campus as the threat of Katrina lingers: Snakes at Tulane
2. A fourth wall busting movie in which the filming of The Phantom 2 is ground to a halt by a series of tragic events, escalating to the point where the male lead is devoured by giant boa constrictors: Snakes Eat Our Zane!
3. An all-racer remake of a classic Alfred Hitchcock Noir: Snakes on a Train
4. A documentary on a day in the life of a plumber in Waukegan: Snakes for a Drain
5. A big screen adaptation of the classic Richard Harris song, “MacArthur Park”. It’s title? Cake in the Rain (They don’t all need snakes you know?)
6. The world is overrun by zombie copperheads in Snakes Eat Your Brain!
7. Conspiracy theorists discuss a secret society of limbless reptiles which are responsible for numerous American conflicts and has even sparked a war: Snakes on the Maine
8. Black Mambas terrorize a mid-sized city in Snakes Take Spokane. (You might have to pronounce that one wrong…)
9. Tarzan vs. Pit Vipers. They steal his woman, so this time… it’s personal! Snakes Capture Jane
10. Serpents terrify humble Midwestern farmers by invading their silos. Snakes in the Grain
11. Just five words for you: Snapping Turtles on a Hovercraft.
12. A courageous family of anacondas survive Noah’s flood: Snakes in the Rain
13. A team of bushmaster comedians take turns performing a Chris Rock stand up act: Snakes Bring the Pain
14. We return to the Shawshank Redemption to reveal the untold story of the role Coral snakes played in Tim Robbin’s prison break: Snakes Aid Dufresne
Television
1. A modern update of “I Love Lucy” in which Lucy and Ethel are replaced by ball pythons, and constantly ruin shows at Desi Arnez’s club: “Snakes Better ‘splain!”
2. An all water mocassin panel discusses various aspects of William Shakespeare’s Hamlet: “Snakes do the Dane”
3. Here is the pitch for this one: it’s like “Golden Girls” except Betty White and Estelle Getty have been replaced by adders. I call it “Snakes with a Cane”. Bea Arthur is already attached.
4. How about a show that helps asps with issues of alcohol dependency? “Snakes Can Refrain”
5. Julia Louis Dreyfus befriends deadly a krait and a fer-de-lance in “Snakes with Elaine.” If Julia is busy we might be able to get Kelsey Grammer.
6. An all new special from a controversial stuntman/ magician/ entertainer: “Snakes on a Blaine”
Outro
With these proven techniques, you too can amuse/annoy your friends/enemies.
Is it hard out there for a pimp?
Mark Bombadil got pissy when I said, “friends don’t let friends play Tekken.” He later called me a genius, but that was for different reasons.
Lucard talks about somebody who would be thoroughly defeated by Rockman.
The Handbook never responded to my X-Men column, they never pimp me when they use my letters, and occasionally spell my name wrong. Rat-f*ckers.
Eric S. did not co-write my column on the U of C.
Gloomchen like Phil Collins, but thankfully doesn’t talk about it here.
Nick manages to write these things without the benefit of any football. Weird…
Now if you all are good, maybe next week I will color code the pimps. Maybe.
