In Memoriam: Alex Toth. The guys in Comics should have the honor of explaining exactly why he deserves this. I’ll just say that his influence was greater than anyone would think and leave it for them to go through the details.
Twentieth Century Fox’s X-Men: The Last Stand is virtually certain to knock off The Da Vinci Code at the box office over the Memorial Day weekend, but most analysts agree that Code will attract enough moviegoers to prevent the latest X-Men movie from equaling the $85.6 million that X2 collected in 2003. – imdb.com, last Friday
I do hope those experts like the taste of leathery sole. A hundred and twenty million over the holiday weekend, huh? We Likes Our Mutants, I guess. Or else, MarvelFox just decided to go cynical on us and focus the entire film on Hugh Jackman, Sir Ian, and the Inexplicably Popular and Talentless, Undeserving Academy Award Winner Halle Berry in a bid to boil down the franchise to what makes it a hit. Okay, I’m seriously pissed about the Juggernaut retcon. He’s not a mutant, folks. But, then again, you couldn’t use his real origin, what with it being bound up with Doctor Strange’s milleu and that inconvenience of being the Professor’s half-brother. Oh, well. And don’t get me started about casting Kelsey Grammer as the Beast. This makes it official that Kelsey’s now typecast. Every time I heard Hank’s voice, I thought “Frazier in blue fur”.
Enough of that. Now, on to the personal shit. For those of you following this saga, I mentioned last week that after a year of unemployment, I had three job offers to choose from, and I’d inform you of the results of this tussle ASAP. Actually, it was resolved a couple of hours after I submitted last week. JJ blew it in his column when he mentioned the sweepstakes winner as being the US Army. No, I’m not going back in. I’ll be working as a civilian employee for them, doing inspections as a Quality Assurance generalist. My first assignment will probably be focusing on ammunition. This, of course, means that I’m out of the food business for now, thank you, God. Next week, I’ll be moving to Texarkana (the Texas side) to start seven months of training. That’s the reason there was no Short Form over the weekend; I was down there getting an apartment. In January, I’ll be moving to my permanent duty station, which’ll be at Rock Island Arsenal in the Quad Cities. So, I’ll be two and a half hours from Chicago, which makes me happy.
Now, you’ve probably figured out by now that this job pays the least of the three that I had to choose from. So why did I take it?
1) Stability. You know these guys are going to be in business for a long time to come, and, let’s face it, they don’t concentrate on a P&L sheet. Being in Quality management, I’m sick and tired of having to justify my existence when I don’t contribute directly to the P side of that equation.
2) I was trending this way anyway. One offer that I was seriously being considered for (but not one of the three) was a position out of San Diego where I’d be a civilian inspecting Marine food facilities (surprisingly, contracted out to private industry).
3) It pays the least for now. Thanks to automatic, non-competitive jumps in salary, in two years, I’ll be making more than I would at either of the two other jobs. JJ, that’s why you should look at civilian employment with the boys as you’re getting out. Less work, a lot more pay, and they absolutely love guys who are just getting out (that’s the problem I had getting a job in food inspection; they were looking for people who were retiring or just getting out).
4) Lower immediate costs. Since I’ll only be in Texarkana for seven months, I decided to rent a furnished apartment. This means I’ll be dumping my stuff in storage here in Emporia and heading down to Tejas with my computer and clothes (yes, they even provide the TVs). That means no U-Haul. That’s what killed the offer I had in Indiana; no paid relocation. It would have run me about fifteen hundred bucks when you included the gas to get all my stuff to Indiana. And the Army will pay for the move from Emporia to the Quad Cities. I would even get into the fact that it’s cheap to live in Texarkana.
5) I’m playing CYA with this anyway. I’m on the list to be reinstated with USDA (and, in fact, just received an availability letter from them), so I’ve got that to fall back on. My employment with the Army is contingent on me getting a Secret clearance. If they read any of these columns, I’m f*cked. That being said, for some reason, I find it a lot easier to work for a federal government agency when a Republican is immorally occupying the White House. After all, I joined the Army with no problem during Reagan’s dictatorship, and I was cleared by USDA during Dubbaya’s election campaign, not to mention I got employment with Illinois during a Republican governorship.
So, what does this mean for this column? It means I’ll definitely be doing a column next Tuesday. The Short Form for this weekend is up in the air because I’m going to try to get my stuff into storage on Friday or Saturday, and I’ll be occupied with that. The Short Form for next week is also up in the air depending on a number of factors. The biggest is, of course, Net access. I’m sort of in luck with that. I’m getting mine right now through CableOne here in West Bumf*ck. Guess who the cable company is in Texarkana? The apartment in Texarkana already has active cable, but it’s basic cable only, and it’s paid for as part of the rent. I have to upgrade that to digital plus Net access, but the apartment complex doesn’t really want the bill to be in my name, since they’ll have to switch access back after I leave. Then there’s the fact that CableOne employs complete and utter morons, and I don’t want them to cancel my account after I turn in my cable boxes and modem. I have to convince them to just transfer my service to a new address out of state. This always confuses their barely-simian minds. So I have no clue if I can get Net access the moment I move in next Thursday. If so, I have to immediately start downloading the ECW special, which leads to the obvious…
I desperately need that Net access immediately for the purposes of this column. June 12th is going to be a clusterf*ck. First day of work at a new job, plus One-Night Stand, the Raw follow-up, and the set-up for ECW On Sci-Lie (not to mention the US’s first World Cup game). As an Internet Wrestling Celebrity, my attendance at these events is required. It’s the biggest story in wrestling this year by far, and I feel derelict in my duties if I’m not there to cover it. So getting this straightened out is mandatory. Now that’s pressure.
One more thing before we get on to the good stuff: I finally joined the 21st Century and got a cell phone. Yes, I lived without one for this long. However, with the multiple moves, why bother getting a land line? If I need to get a better connection than cell, Skype’s free until the end of the year. Turns out that the combination is cheaper than what SBC/AT&T/whatever is charging me for a land line. So screw it, mobile I go.
I really have to compliment Motorola on the V360. It’s a damn great phone. Yeah, it’s not as flashy as a RAZR, but it’s cheaper and more capable. It also makes me realize how thoroughly deficient we oldsters have been in educating the next generation about the benefits of piracy. After I got the phone home, a little bit of quick Googling pointed out the existence of Motorola Phone Tools, which was downloaded courtesy of eDonkey. A few minutes with my MP3 collection and a sound editor (hell, you can use Reaper for this, and it’s free and small at about one meg), and I had my own ringtones (Moto Phone Tools will also do this for you, but I was doing the ringtones as I was downloading that). A search at Pirate Bay, and I found that someone had uploaded a pissload of Moto-capable Java games, and another Google search gave me instructions on where exactly to put them in the SIM directory of my phone to make them active (the first thing I bought with the phone was a 256M SIM module for this purpose). All free, all effortless if you know what you’re doing. So why are people paying to downloading ringtones and games, and exposing themselves to the incredible amounts of spyware that’s endemic at mobile games and (especially) ringtone sites? It’s not only cheaper to pirate these days, it’s also safer. Are people that lazy that they’d willingly expose themselves to malware for the convenience of someone else doing shit for them? Welcome to the Service Economy, folks.
On to the Pimps…
THE PIMP SECTION
Lucard can’t spell Harlan Ellison’s first name correctly.
Murray does more pimps than I do. I have to try to figure out why.
Hatton‘s friends are so boring that he transcribed the whole Foley/Heyman promo.
Goober blew out his knee while driving a golf cart. I’m sorry, but we’ll go to the next pimp after I laugh my ass off.
Wallace has run out of brandy drinks.
Basilo got drunk again over the weekend.
Stevens steals my In Memoriam, the cocksucker.
Yeah, that’s pretty much all. Holiday weekend here in the US and all that.
AND THE FIRST SMALL FRY ARE SACRIFICED
As reported over the weekend, Joey Matthews was sent to rehab for violating the Drug Policy, thus prompting the break-up of MNM and Melina’s cooch (and Nitro) appearing on Raw (by the way, according to Da Meltz, they were planning on breaking off Melina and Nitro and having them go solo, but not for another two years; Joey’s drug faux pas pushed that forward substantially). But, according to rumors which have not been firmly substantiated yet, he’s not the only one.
You wonder why Gym Bunny was jobbed out in heinous fashion last week and wasn’t on Raw this week? Supposedly, he was taken off of this weekend’s shows and kept off of Raw for pissing hot. Surprise, surprise, Chris Masters is on enhancements. Like we couldn’t have figured that out. This conclusion has been extrapolated from this particular quote from Da Meltz:
Although not yet official, there is a good chance Masters will be taken off the road for an indefinite period of time. That may explain why he lost so convincingly to the STFU to Cena on Raw. No reason was given for this, other than we were told the first guess would be the correct guess.
And, of course, given the Mercury situation and Masters’ not-possible-without-chemical-assistance physique and Cro-Magnon skull structure, the conclusion has been made that he’s juiced. It’s a fair conclusion to draw, you must admit.
You know, if Masters is kept off of my screen indefinitely, I will take back everything bad I said about the Drug Policy…no, wait, I’ll hold off on doing that until Masters is fired. And until someone important to booking is taken off. You know, someone who’s getting something resembling an actual push instead of just hanging around the upper-mid-card waiting for Van Dam to leave for ECW and Carly to get another IC title reign.
I am not going to do any more speculation on this. As I said, the story isn’t fully confirmed yet, so until it is, wishing and hoping that it’s true just won’t cut it.
IDIOTIC STATEMENT OF THE YEAR…OF COURSE IT’S FROM MILORD
That gross after two weeks absolutely makes a the film a success, no if ands or buts about it. – Milord, yesterday at 1bullshit Junior
“That gross” is the box office gross of See No Evil. After two weeks, See No Evil has pulled in a titch over nine million dollars. This is approximately the same gross as one showing of X3 this weekend. It has received an 8% rating at Rotten Tomatoes. If you include promotion, distribution, and prints, it still has not recouped its minimal costs. By none of the standard measures of Hollywood is this film a success. It isn’t even a success in the “wrestlers who act in movies” category. Look at Flex’s BO figures. When The Rundown opened, I broke down for everyone why it was a bomb, and it grossed in one week double what See No Evil did in two weeks.
So why is Milord saying that it’s a hit? Because Vince is bringing back his beloved ECW, and he wants to suck up to Vince in order to attempt to regain his position and relive his glory days. What better way than proclaiming the first product of WWE’s film division a smash?
Goddamn it, Dave, be a little less obvious next time, you kiss-ass bitch.
IMPACT SOMEWHAT SPOILED
Yep, those wacky guys in Orlando had another taping. Let’s see what’s going to happen while I’m otherwise occupied over the next couple of weeks, shall we? Of course, said spoilers come from 1bullshit Junior’s Orlando-residing hack. Hey, that’s as much attribution as someone over there gets from me.
Hey, Chris Sabin goes over Petey Williams again, this time in a tag match, and this time on Xplosion. Also, during a six-man on Impact, Sabin will go over Savory Steak Sauce Boy. Uh, guys, the World X Cup is over. You can stop jobbing out the Canadians now.
Shane Douglas joins the ex-Dudleys in cutting an anti-WWE in re ECW promo, but that won’t air until the Impact on the 15th, the same night my good friend Shane takes over managing the Naturals (look, that’s not a spoiler if you’ve been watching).
Konnan starts taking his relationship with the Spanish Announce Table quite seriously. If they were in WWE, you know that relationship would end in pain.
Christopher Daniels jobs clean, and to someone not from AMW. You’ll be surprised who it is.
Kevin Nash will wrestle a midget. This will be on the June 15th Impact, so make alternate plans accordingly. The rest of Nash’s time is occupied with some bizarre relationship with Alex Shelley, the nature of which I’m not going to speculate on, but you know it’s got some basis in daddy/boy.
Your final two participants in King of the Mountain will be Jeff Jarrett and Sting. Again, that’s not a spoiler if you’ve been watching.
The following matches are therefore set for Slammiversary:
Christian versus Ron Killings, Abyss, Jeff Jarrett, and Sting, King of the Mountain Match
Samoa Joe versus Big Sump Pump. Joe’s gonna kill him; we’re gonna love it.
America’s Most Worthless versus A. J. ‘n Chris, again, for the tag titles, again.
Kevin Nash versus Chris Sabin
The ex-Dudleys versus NAO, since we all loved the first two so much.
Probably added through post-production dub: the Naturals versus Sheremetyevo, something involving the remnants of Team USA versus Team Canada, and Raven versus Zbyszko due to the ending of the KotM qualifying match and the impending arrival of Corny.
This is supposed to be TNA’s second-biggest PPV of the year? Yuck.
Anything else news-wise? Well, Billy Graham was hospitalized with a bowel obstruction, which they’re going to try to remove without surgery. All of us, of course, wish him well. After the medical problems that he’s survived, getting laid low by a bowel obstruction is almost anti-climactic. Steve Doll, whose kidneys were failing last week, is now responding to treatment and is out of ICU but still in critical condition (so says Da Meltz). Benoit and High-Quality Speaker Boy are going to be out for a while, joining the growing list of people on Smackdown who are hurt or in rehab. But that’s enough of that. Now on to something that makes me sick…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Shelton Benjamin versus Kane, Intercontinental Title Match (ND, uh…no, I have to write it out: Fake-Kane-ference): Okay, it has to be said: how many people were wishing it was Kevin Nash behind that mask, just for the sake of symmetry? Or if not Nash, then Rick Bogner? Due to my inability to suppress dredged-up memories that were long buried, let me just close by saying it was great to hear Kane’s old theme again. Between that and the reappearance of the DX theme to come in a few weeks, not to mention a certain PPV, it’s a good time for nostalgia.
And now, only after Raw’s over, do I find out that Pandich said the same thing in re Nash. You f*cking bastard. However, it was too obvious not to include, so I’ll forgive him and only shatter a few vertebrae.
Slick Rick has his own theories:
Dale Torborg? Wouldn’t be much of a stretch from the Fake Gene Simmons, and he’s about as much shorter than Glen as the wigged guy that just chokeslammed him. Not saying that’s who it will be at the end of the angle, but who knows.
Thought it would be ‘Taker, but the size is wrong.
Yeah, the size is wrong, but has that stopped WWE before? It’ll probably end up being UT before this is through, if only because they haven’t done a UT/Kane match in a while and they need something interbrand for SummerSlam that doesn’t involve ECW. However, Zarur is speculating that it might be UT, and he’s never right. We’ll see.
Jamalga over Viscera (Pinfall, Samoan Spike): Okay, let me get this straight. Jamalga comes back, and his first feud is with Ric Flair. Then, as he proceeds to move up the ladder, his second feud is with Viscera. Meaning that Viscera’s higher up the food chain than Flair. I’m confused, especially with Big Vis doing a Flair Flop in the middle of this match. Well, maybe that was just Vis’s way of congratulating Flair on his wedding over the weekend.
Beth Phoenix and the Ten-Buck Tramp over Victoria and Candice Michelle (Pinfall, Phoenix pins Michelle, X-Chromosome-Factor): Okay, it’s officially getting weird. Despite the presence of Victoria, a women’s match without Stratus and LaJames is just uninteresting. And it didn’t help that Phoenix was sloppy in the ring. Of course, it was a good day for someone named Phoenix to make her in-ring debut. Trying to conjure up some sympathetic magic and all that.
John Cena over Johnny Nitro, Non-Title Match (Submission, STFU): Gee, that suspension lasted for a long time, didn’t it? Of course, now the story’s come out that it was Joey Matthews’ impending trip to rehab that caused the switch. However, this was one prime example of why Ross should be put out to pasture permanently. He actually tried to bullshit us that this was Nitro’s Raw debut. I would have had a lot more respect for him if he said something like “Last time we saw him on Raw, he was being fired as Eric Bischoff’s assistant. But that was three tag title reigns and one Melina ago.” Fuck you, Ross, and your contempt for the audience. Of course, it could have been the backstage people whispering in his ear, in which case, f*ck you, Ross, you’re a tool.
Edge over The Big Show, Number One Contender’s Match (Pinfall, spear): Well, the leaked poster for Vengeance kinda spoiled this one, didn’t it? Yeah, the one with Cena and Edge on it, obscured by the giant “DX” spray-painted over them. Ah, who cares? If Cena’s still holding the title, Vengeance is a great place to drop it to Edge, giving Edge a long enough title reign before he drops it to Trip at…no, not SummerSlam, but definitely Survivor Series at the latest. Hopefully, it’ll be the last Cena ever sniffs of the title.
Trip over My Illegitimate Son Ken Doane, Spirit-Jack Match (Pinfall, Pedigree): Complete SE match, like we expected anything different, but it was still inoffensive. Doane and Jeter are going to end up in ECW or on Smackdown within two months, though. You just know it. And as for the apres, isn’t Trip joining the Kiss My Ass Club one of the biggest redundancies you’ve ever heard of?
Angle Developments:
Executive Ass-Kisser: So, Coachman is GM-in-all-but-name, huh? Decent choice, but not the best. I would have definitely linked into the angles on Smackdown and given it to High-Quality Speaker Boy (but with the GM title). However, I have a feeling they’re going to get around the “quitting” angle somehow, because Smackdown desperately needs him right now. So why not give Coachman the title to go along with the job? Simple logistics, actually. Until the DX situation is resolved, Vince has to remain in nominal “control” of Raw in order to play the authority figure that DX goes after. No one else will do in that circumstance. Expect this to end after Vengeance with Coachman getting fired for not protecting Vince against Trip and Michaels, and a permanent GM is appointed. Or, Coachman actually does help Vince against DX and gets the title. It’s called a probationary period, folks.
Genuine Draft: Heyman and Foley…damn, the only words that I can use to describe that are “downright vicious”. Pot jokes, charges of criminality and death, Foley on a toot, Heyman totally calm…this was a grandmaster class in the art of the promo. I wouldn’t have minded if the rest of the show had been taken up by it. And it culminated perfectly in the draft choices that Heyman received. I love how they had Foley anticipate the choice of Van Dam, which would have been an anticlimax otherwise since it was so obvious. But revealing the Smackdown draft choice as well (instead of doing it on Smackdown), and having it be Angle was utterly brilliant. This is karma for ten years ago, when ECW almost had Angle signed until the crucifixion incident. The only drawback is Angle’s health. Can he do high-impact garbage? That will be a question that can only be answered with time and the way that Heyman will book him. But Angle with Heyman’s booking behind him is a definite major plus for ECW. It makes me feel better about the whole thing, actually.
The Proud Graduate Of Dartmouth His Own Self decides to refute Paul Heyman, possibly as a result of having just returned from Philly:
On the subject of the Foley-Heyman debate:
a. Foley title shots, pre-Socko: vs. Shawn Michaels, September ’96 (as Mankind); vs. Undertaker, April ’97 (as Mankind); vs. Steve Austin, April ’98 (as Dude Love); vs. Steve Austin, May ’98 (as Dude Love). Bad point by Paul.
b. That technical-wrestling aspect was nearly always part of ECW, particulary in the Guererro/Malenko/Benoit era. Even after they left, Taz wasn’t huge on “garbage wrestling.” Angle is actually a solid addition to ECW along those lines, and I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if Angle took Benoit’s spot against Malenko in that rumored Eddy tribute match at One Night Stand.
Good idea about the substitution, El, but I still think that it’ll end up being an Eddy Tribute, and for that, you need either Rey-Rey or Chavito. Chavito/Malenko…hmmmm, I don’t feel like checking the WCW archives, but I think they’ve gone at it a few times. Angle/Malenko would be more interesting, though.
And I’ll close this off, as I start to make arrangements for relocation. As I said, I’ll be too busy this weekend to knock out a Short Form, so I’ll see you next Tuesday as I try to close off the Kansas Era of this column in style.
