Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc., 06-06-06

In Memoriam: Jason Ackerman and Sara Rydman. If you’re going to go
out, go out in style. I’d say inside an 8-foot helium balloon is
pretty stylish.

Hello there, plebians. Eric’s away trying to figure out his job
situation, and with the site featuring more tumbleweeds than active
writers, I stepped up to the plate. No silly “getting to know you”
garbage, just going to do what needs to be done.

Here I thought the U.S. was nuts when they (supposedly) re-elected
Bush. But then Peru had to go and be like “nuh-uh, girlfriend, we’s
crazier than you!” Alan Garcia has become Peru’s president once more,
some sixteen years after he left office with Peru bankrupt, the
country getting pounded into paste by insurgents, and having to flee
the country because of the widespread corruption he caused. Yet the
Peruvians chose him over Ollanta Humala, who was running with
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez’s blessing. Hmmm… maybe getting
the blessing of a borderline communist was a bad idea. Good luck to
Peru, as you’re going to need it.

However, I will say that Peru was screwed no matter which way they
voted. Of the two evils, I’d have gone with Humala, who at least
hadn’t proven he was a two-bit crook looking to benefit only himself
and his party members. But hindsight is 20/20, and after he’s chased
out of the country again, the country’s cash in the back of an
unmarked van headed to the Bahamas, maybe the people of Peru will say
“Well, that sucked. Shouldn’t do that again.” Oh, who am I kidding?
They’ll probably just re-elect him sixteen years after that, ad
nauseam until the asshole keels over and dies. I give the general
public no credit, because they’ve proven to be idiots time and time
again.

In other news that the U.S. general public is ignoring, Palestine is
this close to civil war. On the surface, this is about
Palestine recognizing Isreal. In all reality, it’s about Mahmoud
Abbas, the Fatah president of the country, clashing with the Hamas
majority over… well, just about everything. Hamas, being of the
“crazy militant” genre of Islamics, is just waiting for Abbas to try
and pass a referendum so they can blow up everybody that doesn’t agree
with them. Abbas, meanwhile, is playing the role of stubborn mule,
not backing down at all to the majority government.

Why should we care? Well, if Hamas starts blowing shit up, the U.S.
is going to send in troops to quell the “uprising”. Though how a
majority government can be an “uprising” is beyond me, but whatever.
This will lead to yet another war for us to fight, spreading our
troops and our finances even thinner, and making it really easy
for some group of nutbags to say “GAME ON” and attempt to drive Israel
into the sea. When that “group of nutbags” is Iran, that attempt
could lead to a full-scale world war. Sound crazy? Hey, so does
convincing people that Iraq was part of the terrorist attacks on 9/11,
and our government did a pretty good job of that. Here’s hoping that
cooler heads prevail.

Though I am going to invest in a company that makes Haz-Mat suits just
in case. Might as well make some cash during the nuclear fall-out.
Nuclear fall-out? What a perfect segue into the pimps!

THE PIMP SECTION

This weeks Pimp Section is brought to you by Pantera.

Dan Hevia is Becoming lazy with his column.

Tom is Far Beyond Driven to go crazy.

Lucard proves he has Strength Beyond Strength by playing 30 spooky
games and writing about them.

Burnside is a Cowboy From Hell who is anti-EVERYTHING.

That’s all the pimps because I’m sick of typing code.

BECAUSE… YOU’RE A FUCKING MORON

WWE will announce that Kurt Angle has issued an open challenge for
the ECW One Night Stand PPV.

The challenge will be issued for anyone who fights in a “four sided,
six sided, or eight sided ring” to come face Angle at the PPV next
weekend in New York City.
– Big Johnson, June 4th on PWInsider

Notice the date that this was posted. Notice that in every recap from
Smackdown, it’s noted that Kurt Angle made the challenge. Notice that
Big Johnson will forever be known as “Tiny Johnson” for his apparent
ignorance of this fact.

Does this mean that we don’t have to watch the shows anymore to report
on wrestling? Because if the guys who are being PAID to watch the
shows are apparently not doing it, we, who make nothing while being
Widro’s boy toys, shouldn’t have to either. I mean, I’m not watching
WWE, but I’m also not part of the wrestling section, so it’s OK on my
part. But to have a paid professional so obviously ignoring what he
is paid to do? Ugh.

From now on, I say we just make shit up. Do an entire RAW recap
without ever watching the show. Create an alternate reality where
fairies and unicorns battle for supremacy atop magic mushrooms.
Reveal that Kurt Angle has broken his trapezeous minisculous, and will
be unable to compete in the 2018 Olympics. If we’re just making shit
up and not watching the shows, go hog wild. A goldfish left Lincoln
logs in a small boy’s sock drawer; that’s the story of Jesus.

Thanks, Tiny Johnson, for informing us that something is going to
happen that happened already, you useless prick.

THANKSGIVING CAN’T COME ANY SOONER

With Paul E. being pulled from OVW to write the ECW shows, the WWE
decided to give the book to the most qualified person they could find;
Greg Gagne. Hold on a second… BWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Phew! Man, I
needed that; it has been a long weekend.

I hope to god that Greg books better than he wrestles. But then
again, he does have that great pedigree, having watched his old
man book the AWA straight into the ground. I can’t wait until the
Turkey on a Pole match makes it’s grand return to professional
wrestling.

Though, really, it’ll be easy for Greg to make OVW and DSW as close to
the AWA as possible; whenever anyone starts getting over, WWE will
call them up, which is as close to stealing talent as you can get.

That’s all the news? Well, there has to be something decent on Raw, right? Oh… crap.

THE SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Carlito over Shelton Benjamin, Non-Title Match (Pinfall,
Back-Cracker):
It’s interesting to note that the Pittsburgh fans
got distracted mid-match. Philly fans would have been rabid for this
one, as Shelton hit everything crisp, and Carly actually didn’t
embarrass himself. Carly does have to find a third move for the
kick/running knee-lift combo, as that weak-ass clothesline doesn’t
impress anyone. Pretty decent first match.

The Big Show over Triple H (DQ, Spirit-ference): Wow, I never
knew Vince’s office was right at the entrance ramp. That’s the only
way that Triple H came through the ramp that fast. The match itself
was angle-advancement, which makes me oh so happy. Not that
Triple H versus The Big Show in a legit match would have thrilled me,
but at least it wouldn’t have been so… stupid. Yet another reminder
why I don’t watch WWE anymore.

Eugene over Matt Striker (Pinfall, 5-Point Clothesline): Thank
god Eric is gone, because I’m pretty sure he’d have an aneurysm. The
retard and Hacksaw? It’s like they’re booking the show just to spite
Eric. On the plus side, the aftermatch attack by The Samoan Who Isn’t
Joe made me happy, as anytime Jim Duggan gets splattered is OK with
me. The only other positive was Striker’s awesome between-ropes DDT,
which didn’t mean dick since he didn’t even get an enterance. Hey,
Reason #324 why I don’t watch WWE anymore; wasted talent!

Lance Cade over Kane (COR, Dumbest Ending Ever): The only way
this can redeem itself is if the fake Kane turns out to be Brian Lee.
I don’t even want to talk about this bullshit.

Johnny Nitro over Charlie Haas (Pinfall, Schoolboy): Thanks for
your time, Charlie. Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord
split ya. Not only did Haas leave his wrestling ability at home, but
he injured someone who wasn’t even involved in the match. Nitro,
however, can bump like a madman. A freakin’ 450 sell of a
monkey-flip? When is your contract up so TNA or ROH can scoop you up?
If only Melina hadn’t of f’d up the ending and left Haas pounding on
Nitro for what seemed like four years. Ah well, it was a shit match
anyway.

Beth Pheonix over Victoria (Pinfall, Michinoku Driver): The
match was nothing, but it turns out that Beth needs jaw surgery
afterwards, effectively killing the Beth/Mickie angle. Which,
actually, was a good thing after seeing that craptacular Michinoku
Driver. Oh, and JR, YOU’RE A FUCKING IDIOT. You’ve f*cking
called Michinoku Drivers before. Now you call it “a sort of
slam”. Don freakin’ West is better than JR at this point.

Angle Developments:

Extreme Cont(r)act: Wow, who would have thunk it. A contract
signing where one of the participants gets mugged. And hey, what do
you know! Sabu can still blow spots! Cena did get in a good line
with the “autograph” comment, but otherwise this was by-the-numbers
contract booking.

We Didn’t See No Evil: That can be the only explaination as to
why they’re still trying to push this pile of shit. Instead of
running these promos, we could of had another five minutes of
Carlito/Benjamin. Thanks, Vince, for whoring movies during valuable
wrestling time.

Kurt Angle is ECW, Mick Foley is a Whore: Jesus Christ on a
pogo stick did they go overboard with the promo talent here. Kurt
Angle stole the show with his “hairy prostitute” comment towards Lita,
though Edge was such a dick that I almost came. Seriously, don’t let
any of these guys wrestle ever again. Just have them cut promos on
each other every week from now until they die. Hell, I didn’t even
mind Randy Orton hitting the RKO on Angle, as it was pretty damn
crisp. Now just make sure he never gets a mic while on Percodan, and
we’ll be set.

Highlanders?: What ever happened to “there can be only one”?
Stupid gimmicks, ho!

Old Versus Crippled: So, Jerry Lawler accepts Tazz’s challenge
for One Night Stand. Hey, it’s official! One Night Stand is going to
suck ass! WOO!

Kiss My Ass, Vince: That’s pretty much what you’re going to
have to do after making me watch two hours of Triple H looking like
Lemmy Kilmister. But, seeing the positive in this trainwreck; Shane
rubbing his nipples while staring at his dad’s ass? GOLDEN!

Hopefully Eric will be back next week so you don’t have to suffer
through yet another lackluster fill-in. Sorry for ruining your
column, Eric!