The SmarK ECW Rant for April 13 2006

The SmarK ECW Rant – June 13 2006

– I don’t forsee myself doing these on a continuing basis (or the show continuing on a continuing basis for that matter) but I figured that I’d take a look at the first one via the magic of the internet, just because I heard so many terrific things about it. Like zombies and stuff. I should point out, however, that this show is the ultimate no-lose prospect for Paul Heyman — if the show ends up doing great, then he’s a genius who can do no wrong. And when the show does terrible, it’s because Vince McMahon doesn’t understand the product and took over on creative. Maybe he’s more like Vince than anyone wants to admit.

– Live (on tape) from Trenton, NJ.

– Your hosts are Joey Styles & Tazz.

– This is immediately really weird because it’s taped before Smackdown, so the ECW guys are treated as heels, and the big arena doesn’t actually fit the “promotion”. RVD and Heyman start out, and RVD is presented the ECW World title, which I guess means that Cena is going to win the WWE title back at the PPV and thus the lineage will be fractured yet again. The interview is going nowhere, so Edge comes out, with RAW graphic under his name. Oh, god, my head hurts. Edge at least “fits” the ECW style these days, as does Lita. Edge and RVD do a little mutual admiration, but Edge SHOCKINGLY lays out Rob. My god, a challenger attacking the champion a few days before his title shot? This is wholly unprecedented. He runs into the crowd, but the invasion continues, as John Cena is there as well. However, Cena gets cheered by the crowd, who apparently didn’t get the memo that they’re supposed to be booing him on an ECW show. What a mess.

Sandman v. The Zombie

Oh, see, Sci-Fi wanted sci-fi characters, so it’s a ZOMBIE. Oh, that Vince, the depth and subtlety of his humor continues to amaze. Zombie cuts a promo no worse than anything done by Giant Khali, but that’s only slightly less embarrassing than Sandman getting too reaction because WWE is too cheap to license Enter Sandman for him. I think he’s using Hardcore Holly’s music, actually. Sandman canes the crap out of him and pins him after a legsweep.

(Sandman d. The Zombie, legsweep — pin, 0:17, DUD) The dust coming off the Zombie after the canes were a nice touch, but I think maybe Vince should be a bit more grateful to Sci-Fi for putting this on their network instead of leaving him high and dry with no TV deal.

– We meet Kelly, the exhibitionist, who will take off all of her clothes tonight. Nice to see they’re just coming right out and saying it now, instead of trying to give the women personalities before they strip.

– Tazz v. Jerry Lawler

This is from the PPV on Sunday, because I guess the Sandman v. Zombie match must have been booked to go 10:00 and they had to go home early due to Zombie returning to the realm of the dead or something. That’s why you don’t book the undead for wrestling shows — they’re just not dependable. Lawler tries to piledrive Joey Styles, but Tazz chokes him out for the win.

(Tazz d. Jerry Lawler, Tazzmission — submission, 0:37, DUD) Wow, that was twice as long as the opener.

– Kurt Angle v. Justin Credible

Angle takes him down to start and neck-vices him, then dumps him off another double-leg takedown. Back in, another takedown, and Angle chokes him down and out.

(Kurt Angle d. Justin Credible, chokeout — submission, 1:45, DUD) Note to Vince: Justin used to work for you, several times. He didn’t need to get destroyed like that.

Extreme Battle Royale

It’s not just a battle royale, it’s an EXTREME battle royale. There’s a major difference. Winner of this faces John Cena at Vengeance, because Heyman can apparently make matches on RAW as well as his own show. So we’ve got Tommy Dreamer, Sabu, Al Snow, Roadkill, Stevie Richards, Danny Doring, Little Guido, Tony Mamaluke, Ballz Mahoney (with AC/DC ripoff music) and Big Show. One of these thing is not like the others. Show cleans house to start, because he’s BIG and the SHOW and the others are just ECW jobbers who don’t matter anyway. Cookie sheets and trashcan lids are used, because this is EXTREME. Remember how I was saying that using that stuff in small amounts kept it from getting stale? Well, this would be the opposite of that. All the commentary and camera work focuses on Show, as he eliminates Snow and Doring and Richards all in a row. Roadkill goes next, as does Ballz, after putting over Show’s new finisher. Which still sucks. Sabu next, but he lands on the apron and hangs on. Dreamer gets pressed out through a table by Show. The FBI attacks in tandem and gets totally humiliated, destroyed and tossed out. Big Guido gets pushed out quietly, but Sabu attacks Show from behind and wins on a fluke.

The Pulse:

This was one of the few times I was feeling embarrassed to be a wrestling fan while watching. Good job, guys. You lost me as a viewer and you can’t even watch it in Canada yet.