Stuff I Think and Shouldn't Say 44: Welcome to My Nightmare

The Weekly Music Pulse Stuff I Think and Shouldn’t Say 44

It’s becoming a trend: the Inside Pulse Music Staff are all getting married. Gloomchen was the first to jump on the bandwagon by having a small ceremony in Minnesota. Marriage, it appears, suits IP’s number one Music Lady just fine.

Turns out that one of my favorite dudes here, “Open” Mike Eagle, is off getting hitched AS WE SPEAK. Mike, who dabbles in a bit of the hip hop and has the coolest last name of anyone on the intraweb, is going have an honest man made out of him. One day, he will have a whole stable of rappers and singers under his wings, as once he tied the knot, he became “Off The Market” Mike Eagle, and he will sell 50 million Kidz Hop records.

Happiness abounds.

With every marriage that readers hear about, I get the inevitable question: Ssquared, when are you and Tracy getting hitched?

I have no idea.

Tracy and I have been together just over a year and a half. The woman is my soulmate; I have no doubts about that. Part of the reason that Ms. Ssquared hasn’t got a pretty rock up on her marriage finger (trademark pending!) has to be that I am broke. Really, really broke. I haven’t yet been reduced to stealing packets of Ramen from Rite Aid, but it’s close.

Reason numero dos: It looks like I will be getting surgery after all…but I still don’t have a definitive answer. My shoulder got totally jacked up back in September carrying what my boss refers to as the most expensive 5 pound box in Olive Garden history. The way my shoulder dislocated, you would think I was carrying boulders. It was a box of binders, alright?

What?

Apparently, I am frail.

The thing that truly prevents me from getting married has nothing to do with either of those two points. While they are good reasons that we can’t get married, yet, they won’t prevent me from doing it at some point.

See, I can’t do a shotgun wedding. I can’t walk into Town Hall and sign the papers and kiss and smile and be okay with it. My mother and sister would kill me if I did. Financially, it’s a frigging awesome idea. Who wouldn’t sign a paper to get the best sex of their life?

Why is a bride smiling on her wedding day?
It’s because she knows she’s already given her last blowjob.

I know that the day will be super special for Ssquared’s Lady, and that she will be wearing white (a farce) and looking beautiful (as always) but I have no idea what to do for a reception. Who plays the music? Will I get to hear “Lover, You Should Have Come Over?” Will the DJ think to play “The Light” by Common?

Some niggaz recognize the light but they can’t handle the glare

My biggest fear is that DJ Joey G will show up and play some lame ass (c)rap like “Baby Got Back” and all the old white people will dance like the uncoordinated shits that we truly are.

My mom and I have talked a great deal about what she and I should have our dance be, but what song: “A Song for Mama,” “You are The Sunshine of My Life,” or “In My Life?”

I told you this was big to me.

I think about the song that Tracy and I would dance to for the first time as husband and wife. I know that Etta James’ “At Last” is the perfect song, as it was playing on the radio the first time she ever laid her head on my shoulder, ever held my hand. Tracy looked me in the eyes and told me that it was one of her favorites, and I just smiled and pushed the hair from her face.

She looked so beautiful, and I would be lying if I didn’t know right then that she was the one. THE ONE. This woman has brought me so much joy through some really tough times, I would be doing her a disservice to take her off to matrimony-ville (trademark #2 pending) with anything other than her perfect wedding.

How do you know when you’re at a hillbilly wedding?
Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.

She wants a romantic sunset wedding on the beach. Seeing that I almost died in the Caribbean a year ago, the ocean freaks me out. It’s a metaphor, right? I almost died in St. Thomas, she wants to forever kill my bachelorhood up to our knees in sea boogers. Fine, it’s beautiful, I like it, let’s do it.

We’ll dance to Etta James classic song and we’ll kiss and smile and the Smith family will add another great woman to the fold. It will be a fairy tale (at which I take tons of Benadryl) and we will both get some matching/similar platinum jewelry (gold looks horrible on me) and I will settle into married life with a smile on my face.

As long as no one plays any Metallica, Limp Bizkit or any corny, corny, corny line dancing songs, I think I just might enjoy myself.

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.::.Plugging the Bitchin’ $h!t.::.
.:.Columns from the Week that Was!.:.

Greg Wind: Between the Notes #1
Kyle David Paul: Let’s Rave On
Gloomchen: Summertime Blues, News, and Views
Mathan: More Reasons Why Being Deaf Sucks/Rocks

.::.Plugging Other $h!t.::.

Masters of Horror: John Landis – Deer Woman IP Movie’s Rob Sutton examines this DVD release from Showtime’s horror anthology series. Some of the greatest directors and writers in modern horror teamed up to create this series and I, for one, am very appreciative of the faith Showtime put in. Yes, some of the stories fell flat on their face, but for the most part, this was an accurate sampling of all the things that have made horror movies great for viewers.

Night Watch – Scott “Kubryk” Sawitz reviews the first(!) movie I actually went to the theater to see by myself. I always felt a certain stigma was attached to those men who sat in the theater by themselves. Maybe they couldn’t get a date, maybe no one else wanted to check that particular flick out…who knows? I sat in the AMC theater off Times Square waiting for this movie to begin by myself. I watched a drug deal happen a few rows in front of me, and when the dealer caught my eye, I flashed a shocker at the dude. Turns out, that guy reads this site regularly, so a big shout-out to Mike (last name withheld because he sells drugs for a living) from Ssquared.

Side note: before the movie began, I was reading a book in the theater and went to the restroom, where a homeless gentleman was masturbating into the sink. Classy, right?

Got to love New York. Where else does that happen?

Nyogtha – Someone once told me that plugging Lucard is like plugging the front page of Inside Pulse itself. Lucard, for those who are out of the loop, is the IP Culture section editor-at-large whose weekly column is legendary for many reasons:

1) Alex is a good dude whose recipes got me laid a lot in college. Cooking = sex!

2) Lucard is a fantastic writer who makes me incredibly insecure about my own skills, which forces me to work harder.

3) I like Edamame and he talks about it this week.
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Ssquared’s Music Pulse Hook-Up!


The Sword – “Winter’s Wolves”

Age of Winters is one of my favorite albums of the 2006. This is a sample of what I had to say back in March:

Metal fans can enjoy the retro-70’s feel as distortion and power are pushed to the forefront, and even casual listeners will enjoy the musicianship and contagious rhythms. The retro-charm might wear thin, but the quality and skill with which the Sword perform will supercede any of your doubts. No, this isn’t your father’s metal; it’s better!

If you like hard rock and have been dying to listen to something new, check out Age of Winters.

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.:.Ryan Adams Announces Summer Tour.:.

After cranking out three studio albums in 2005, Ryan Adams hasn’t made much of a peep this year, save for a legal beat-down on some overenthusiastic file-sharers back in March. (Side-note: nothing breeds new fans like litigating your current ones, just ask Lars Ulrich.)

While it’s already halfway through 2006 and there’s not a single whiff of new Adams material, Ryan Adams and the Cardinals have announced a string of summer tour dates. Before the trek begins in full force in July, the band will play two warm-up gigs tomorrow night in New York City, first at the Arthur Lee of Love benefit show at the Beacon Theatre, then late night at the Bowery Ballroom.

The shows keep Adams on the road through August, including a stop at Nashville, Tennessee’s Ryman Auditorium, once home to the Grand Ole Opry and site of his infamous 2002 “Summer of 69” meltdown.

In a February interview with Spin, Ryan claimed the heckling trauma forced him into therapy, and that his fans are “a bunch of f*cking cocks. They come to my shows to provoke me.” It’s unimaginable that anybody in the staid, reserved crowd at Chicago’s Lollapalooza will do anything to provoke him when he wraps up his tour there in August.

06-23 New York, NY – Beacon Theatre (Benefit for Arthur Lee) *
06-23 New York, NY – Bowery Ballroom
07-20 Sayreville, NJ – Starland Ballroom
07-21 Baltimore, MD – Sonar
07-22 Norfolk, VA – The NorVa Theatre
07-23 Charlottesville, VA – Charlottesville Pavilion
07-25 Knoxville, TN – Bijou Theatre
07-27 Myrtle Beach, SC – House of Blues
07-28 Charleston, SC – Charleston Music Hall
07-29 Atlanta, GA – Tabernacle
08-01 Nashville, TN – Ryman Auditorium
08-02 St. Louis, MO – Pageant
08-03 Indianapolis, IN – The Vogue
08-04 Chicago, IL – Grant Park (Lollapalooza)
* with Robert Plant, Ian Hunter, Nils Lofgren, Yo La Tengo, Garland Jeffreys, Johnny Echols, Flashy Python & the Body Snatchers (aka Alec Ounsworth of Clap Your Hands Say Yeah with members of Dr. Dog)
(credit: Pitchfork.com)

I have lived in New York City now for a year and a half. Ryan Adams lives here, and I haven’t seen him once. Not on stage, not in person, not at all.

Ryan Adams does (not) read my column, so I am putting this out there for him:

(Ryan, buddy. Would you be willing to play at my wedding?)

Since he constantly (ignores) emails (from) me, I hope my boy(crush) hooks me up (and we can get totally hammered on my future in-laws dime.)

Call me.

.:. I’m a Modest Mouse.:.

The dates are still more than a month away, but Modest Mouse have pulled out of a brief, early August trek through California (Santa Barbara, Sacramento) and Oregon (Bend, Troutdale). According to the official Modest Mouse site, the band is currently on lockdown in a Mississippi studio with producer Dennis Herring (Counting Crows, Jars of Clay), completing the follow-up to its breakthrough album, Good News for People Who Love Bad News.
(credit: RollingStone.com)

Whoo hoo. Modest Mouse is recording a new album, which I won’t be able to purchase due to lack of funds.

I need a job.

(Hey, Ryan Adams. Call me and give me a job. Seriously, I will just stand there and light cigarettes for you. Want a shot? I’ll get that, you just sit down and look like you haven’t combed your hair in two years.

Anything for you, dude)

.:.The Man Who Taught Britney That Thing K-Fed Likes Readies FutureSex/LoveSounds.:.

Timbaland, Rick Rubin, and Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas are among the producers prepping Justin Timberlake’s second solo album, FutureSex/LoveSounds. Due September 12th, the record will be preceded by a brief U.S. club tour and the single “SexyBack,” set to hit radio July 7th. Timberlake’s last effort, Justified, has sold more than 3.5 million copies.
(credit: RollingStone.com)

Okay, I am going to come clean on some stuff.

I own every ‘N Sync album.

I own JT’s solo disk.

I am a loser, as I will probably buy this without thinking, but forget to pick up the Modest Mouse album.

(Ryan, don’t let this affect our relationship)

.:.Arctic Monkeys Bassist Officially Bails.:.

After sitting out Arctic Monkeys’ recent North American tour due to “fatigue,” bassist Andy Nicholson has officially left the band. In a statement on the group’s Web site, the remaining three members wrote, “We have been mates with Andy for a long time and have been through some amazing things together that no one can take away. We all wish Andy the very best.” Nick O’Malley will help the band finish off its summer tour dates.
(credit: RollingStone.com)

Retard.

How the hell do you quit when the band is the hottest it has ever been? Only total pussies quit due to “fatigue.” You end up in rehab. Or you die.

I feel badly that everyone in the world will forget your name, Andy, by Monday.

Except for NME. The next thing you work on will be compared to Monkeys, and you will get a second 15 seconds of fame. Then you should disappear to work with Pete Doherty on his new addiction, Jenga.

Why, what would YOU do with that much free time and no access to drugs, alcohol, or loose women willing to fulfill your every sexual fantasy?

Yes, even Christian rockers slam the groupies. Some just go through the back door. Christians like anal.

.:.Maidens…of IRON.:.

Iron Maiden will release its 19th studio album, A Matter of Life and Death, Sept. 5 via Sanctuary Records. The follow-up to 2003’s Dance of Death was produced by longtime collaborator Kevin Shirley. Maiden will support of the set with an international tour that begins Nov. 18 in Aalborg, Denmark.

Track listing for A Matter of Life and Death:

“Different Worlds”
“These Colours Don’t Run”
“Brighter Than a Thousand Suns”
“The Pilgrim”
“The Longest Day”
“Out of the Shadows”
“The Reincarnation of Benjamin Breeg”
“For the Greater Good of God”
“Lord of Light”
“The Legacy”

(credit: Billboard.com)

I added this bit because my roommate didn’t send me anything for “Forward Progress.” He might have mentioned this, or some obscure Danish speed metal act, but I had to choose.

.:.Yup, Somebody Loves You. It’s true..:.

It’s been nearly a decade since we last heard new Portishead material, but founding member Geoff Barrow insists an actual album may be emerging at the moment. Commenting on the group’s MySpace page, he wrote, “The tracks are in a right mess but sounding like [an] album for the first time in years. It’s nice to think us old gits have a few tunes in us without sounding like coffee table Zero 7 [or] Moby chill-out shit!”
(credit: Rolling Stone.com)

Always wanted to write the above header. I like Portishead, so I hope this album comes out the same day as Chinese Democracy.

The money I get from my new job working with Ryan Adams…

(Ryan, seriously, it’s been 10 minutes…call me! I love you more than a fat kid loves cake!)

…I will buy 209,000 copies of this album and make it number one on the Billboard charts. The world may not care who bought all the albums, but they will trace the transaction to a tiny record store in Upstate New York. The owner, a fat man with a lisp and body odor, will mention that I was there with Ryan Adams and Julian Casablancas…

(Julian, buddy. Totally miss you. Remember when you offered me a position with the band? I take it back, I CAN play the harpsichord.)

…and we just threw a blank check on the counter and took the 208,999 copies we pre-ordered at that location. Ryan will purchase the other copy for me as a gift. He’s a giving guy, that one.
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.::.Plugging Music Reviews: the Inside Pulse Way.:.

Check out the Archive or you can just click the individual reviews below:

The Vines – Vision Valley

Busta Rhymes – The Big Bang

Keane – Under the Iron Sea

Pet Shop Boys – Fundamental

Gomez – How We Operate

The Colour – Between Earth and Sky

(hed)p.e. – Back 2 Base X

The Dresden Dolls – Yes Virginia

Burden of a Day – Pilots & Paper Planes

Willie Nile – Streets of New York

Front Line Assembly – Artificial Soldier
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One more week without Fernandez and the Bootleg here in IP Music has got me all sorts of confused. In honor of Jeff taking some time off, and armed only with Google Image Search and a keen eye, I must find out…:

WHO DOES 50 CENT LOOK LIKE?

Daggett from The Angry Beavers!

Look at those teeth! If Fitty doesn’t look like an Animated Beaver, I must be blind!

Enough tomfoolery. I have a huge box of stuff to review and not enough coffee to get it all done this week. I have to resist the urge to tackle too much and burn myself out. Must…pace…self.

Be good, stay safe, and keep it real!

(Ryan Adams…you complete me.)

Ssquared
Ssquared @ MySpace

(P.S. If Thom Yorke is reading this, I just wanted you to know that I love the lazy eye/midget elf thing you got going on. Let’s hit the bong and talk about the stars, baby.)