Weirdness abounds…I might have a job, believe it or not. I did do an interview in a hotel lobby on Friday morning with a chemical company to be a combination health inspector and salesman (yes, they do go together in that industry), and I’m going to be going around with one of the employees on Monday on his route, but I haven’t been offered anything concrete yet. Maybe I’ll have something for you on Tuesday. In the meantime, screw the cable installation thing. I don’t need the hassle.
Now, what to do about this column. As I said last week, the reason this column came about in the first place was that Scott stopped covering Smackdown, and we needed a high-profile column regarding the show. Of course, I’m one of the few people with as high a profile as Scott on the site, so it was a good fit, since I was down to one column a week and didn’t feel like I could discuss the events of the previous week’s Smackdown or Impact without the Tuesday column losing immediacy (you know how I feel about that). So, the Short Form was born. When ECW came about, I discussed extending the Short Form to include that show as well as Impact and Smackdown. I said no because Scott was recapping it. Now we’re in the same boat again. Scott’s had his fill of it and given it up. So do I pick up the ball?
My instinct says no. Remember, immediacy is a particular fetish of mine. It goes back to the halcyon days of 2000, when I started writing for websites. Every wrestling site had daily news reports, and I didn’t want to step on anyone else’s news, so I concentrated on what stories hadn’t been covered, preferably the ones that appeared the day before. I’ve had to modify that since, due to the way we cover stuff here, but there’s still that need for immediacy and exclusivity in my mind. I’ve ditched the exclusivity, of course, since we have multiple people covering every show from every angle (it’s even worse on news stories, when I write up something on a story that’s up somewhere else but hasn’t hit our site yet, only to have Fingers post a blurb in a news break), but the immediacy bugs me. If I make the Short Form Triple Threat every week, I’ll be covering a Tuesday night show in a column that usually goes up sometime between Friday night and Saturday afternoon, depending on when I get Smackdown downloaded and viewed. The situation gets worse on weeks like next week. Do I do a Fatal Four-Way Short Form covering ECW, Impact, Smackdown, and SNME, which would go up sometime on Sunday afternoon? Putting a five-day-old show in my column is like me inspecting and approving five-day-old meat that’s been sitting out on a counter. The fresher, the better for you.
So I want to throw this out to you. Do you want ECW covered in the Short Form? Would you mind seeing something that old in this column? Or are you willing to disregard it in order to see what I have to say about it? Please, write in and tell me, because I’m split on this.
Now, on to the fresh shows…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Booker T over (in order of elimination) Super Crazy, Psicosis, Kid Kash, Jamie Noble, Simon Dean, Sho Funaki, Scotty Go Potty, FudgePacker, Paul London, Brian Kendrick, Mister Finlay, Matt Hardy, and Mister Regal, Number One Contender’s Battle Royal: Not much you can say about this. They’re caught in a bind right now. They need to get the belt back on DAVE. They don’t want a face-face match-up with Rey-Rey. High-Quality Speaker Boy is still too hurt and is having too much fun on the mic. The thought of Mark Henry, World Champion induces projectile vomiting in both the audience and “creative”. If they give it to Singh, the audience deserts in droves. So who can they use as a transitional champion? Booker, of course. They’ve done a magnificent salvage job on him since the beginning of the KOTR tournament. He’s now a legit contender for the world title. It won’t redress the fact that they should have given him the strap three years ago, of course, but at least it’s a nice gesture. And, boy, will he go to town with both KOTR and the world title. I can’t wait for the promos.
Scotty and Bucci weren’t able to get a room, apparently
Tonight, the unexplored tragedy of Mexican-On-Mexican Violence…
No, preventing the Worm won’t get you on my good side, FudgePacker
London and Kendrick know who their main competition is. Sorry, Jamie-san.
Regal and Finlay do their part in eradicating twink porn
FudgePacker over Super Crazy (Pinfall, Kenton Bomb): Well, it turned out to be better than I expected. It was going in the direction of a total squash before it was actually given time. Of course, Super Crazy did a good portion of the carrying. It would have been a lot better, though, had they avoided the Angle Advancement Ending. But I think we should be grateful that it’s Super Crazy having the angle and not FudgePacker. Crazy deserves everything positive that he can get. And, yes, holding him out of ECW is considered a positive.
Ken Kennedy: annoying people on both sides of the Rio Grande
Dalip Singh versus Chris Chavis (ND, Disembodied-Taker-ference): Damn High-Quality Speaker Boy for making the Indian-On-Indian Violence joke that I had ready for the caption. I guess it was so obvious, though, that it had to be said, and this is Smackdown, Land of the Obvious.
Khali showing off his Benoit-like offense
Vitesse over Psicosis (Submission, reverse hammerlock with face in crotch): Okay, so we get a repeat of the earlier Super Crazy match in re interference. However, this time, the shoe was on the other foot in regard to who I give a shit about. I haven’t cared about Psicosis since the High Summer of WCW Cruiserweights. But Vito, that’s a different story. I can understand why he’s going to town with this. He’s been pigeon-holed as a tough guy for so long that to do something that gives it an interesting twist is like your first hit of crack. He’s also getting over with this so much that it’s hard to deny him his enjoyment, even if he does go over the top a bit. Hell, we’re all loving it, so we can’t dislike him for it. But how long until the boredom sets in? That’s always the danger when you do something like this, even if you disregard any possible damage that may come if the angle goes on too long. Hey, look at Perry Saturn and Moppy.
This week’s fetching ensemble
Kid Kash and Jamie Noble over Scotty Go Potty and Sho Funaki (Pinfall, Noble pins Scotty, double-team clothesline): Instead of praising the three guys in this match that I like, I’ll try praising the guy I don’t. Is it time for a reevaluation of Scott Taylor, like the one we did over the last couple of years regarding Bob Holly? He may just be one of the most underestimated tag wrestlers of our time. All of the talent has been submerged because of his use as an enhancement guy, the fact that he’s a small guy in WWE, the f*cking Worm, and the fact that he was paired so long with the dead weight named Brian Lawler. He’s a good worker, he’s come back from a bunch of nasty injuries and hasn’t lost a beat, he consistently gets over at the midcard level…have we unjustly written him off? I’ve got to think about this.
Insert kamikaze joke here
Bobby Lashley over Novocaine Helms, Champion On Champion For Neither Belt Match (Pinfall, Dominator): Well, the quality of Lashley’s squashes are moving up in the world. Scant comfort, of course, but let’s see how he handles himself in that Triple Threat. If Regal and Finlay don’t have to carry him that much, it’s going to reinforce a lot of opinion about Lashley’s potential being fulfilled. That match will make up a lot of minds out there, possibly including mine.
Sacrifice your cruiserweight champion to get your US champion over? No problem by me with these specific guys.
The big stuff for GAB is already set, so I’ll go with one observation:
The Art Of The Sale: Three years ago, John Layfield was still being pushed as a near-illiterate drunk. Now he’s one of the most erudite commentators WWE’s had since Gorilla was still behind the mic. Yes, obvious to note. What’s not obvious to note, and I don’t think anyone has, is that High-Quality Speaker Boy has been using his position to help push everyone on the roster, and not in an annoying way. His pimps for other talent are highly calculated and at the perfect level for each guy. You believe him when he says he’s impressed with Wrestler X or Y. The positive rubs he’s been giving to Lashley, all the while saying that he hates Lashley, work (just the comparison to Rick Rude alone…). Could it be that he actually has enough cred, among both marks and smarts, that if he says someone’s good, we’re more apt to believe him than any other commentator (including Joey)? It’s a bizarre thought. Even if it wasn’t working, I’d credit him for trying, but it is working, and that surprises me greatly. My nickname for him is, of course, a pun. He’s turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy with every week. Bravo.
And now High-Quality Speaker Boy will give us his rendition of an aria from Turandot
Memo to Tony Blair: Fuck Gordon Brown. Here are your successors. They’d straighten things out quick.
Welcome back. We missed you.
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Homicide over Sonjay Dutt (Pinfall, Hernandez-ference); Sonjay Dutt over Homicide (DQ, Hernandez-ference): Hold it, Homicide versus Dutt? I like both of these guys? I have to pay attention to this match? Glad I did so, actually. Until the bullshit first ending, it was damn nice. Dutt showed why he deserves any positive push he can get, and Homicide was able to keep up and show everyone why the ROH types were so high on him. Unfortunately, it’s this type of opener that scares me. The show can only go downhill from here, especially with Big Sump Pump involved in the main.
“Air India Flight 137 is now on final approach…”
Monty Brown over Kenny King (Pinfall, Pounce): No comment necessary, of course. They’re just lucky I like watching Monty beat the piss out of guys.
It’s Thursday Night Blackdown!
Sting and Christian over Jeff Jarrett and Big Sump Pump (Pinfall, Sting pins Jarrett, Christian frog splash): Under other circumstances, a main event featuring four of the five guys in contention for the World title would at least prompt one interest. Not in this case. We all know there’s only one man in that title picture to care about, and he was the absentee. The participants in this match engender emotions ranging from benign apathy (Christian) to outright hostility (Big Sump Pump). Therefore, the experience was FF-worthy. Even worse, it’s ultimately irrelevant given the stipulations for the main at Victory Road. We all know what happens there anyway, and the victory doesn’t involve any of these guys except for Jarrett, who’s next on the list to Get Killed. What a waste of everyone’s time.
Guys, really, I appreciate the effort, but I still don’t care
Everything’s set as usual, so it’s caps only again…
What is the Batphone doing on Tenay and West’s announce desk?
The TNA office staff have nothing better to do than f*ck around with Photoshop, I see
Some people will do anything to be the center of attention, like Chris Sabin
Oh, I’m outta here. I’ve got some decisions to make and you’re not a part of that, so piss off.