TNA: In The Zone for 7/6/06
I hope you few that read this had a better day than I did. I never claimed to be a “journalist” who had “integrity.” Those people can keep their personal feelings out of things, and if they have a bad day, they can plaster on a fake smile and plow through whatever topics they have to write about. Well, this week you are all going to get my reflections on TNA through my shitty ass attitude. Are you guys down with that? Well, I guess it doesn’t really matter, huh? If you were going to read In The Zone, you were going to read it no matter how surly I get. Look at it like this, if I am REALLY awful, you can read along and laugh about how miserable I must have been while writing it. Conversely, if you too had a shitty day, you can follow along with a “preach it brother” in your hearts.
This week we begin our show in the back with Jeremy Borash. He gets to interview Captain Charisma Christian Cage in front of Sting’s dressing room. Quad C has some funny stuff to say about man-crushes and stuff, but the real story here is that we are starting off the show IN THE BACK WITH JEREMY BORASH!!! What the hell is this shit? Are we, or are we not, watching a wrestling show? Excuse me, but I want to see wrestling on a wrestling show. I fully understand the need for promos and interviews, but lately we have spent far too much time in the back. Soon we will have a whole episode of TNA impact that takes place in the back. Maybe we can have an “In The Back” PPV? Wouldn’t that be fun? Every segment could be a promo about what the wrestlers intend to do at the NEXT PPV.
Anyway, Quad C was cool here.
Match Numero Uno: Sonjay Dutt versus Homicide. I’m glad that they are finally doing something with LAX. Up till now they have been a waste of TNA airtime, and since we still only get one hour a week, even their usual five to seven minutes is too much to give up. I’m really glad to see Homicide get to strut a bit. Both these guys can really go. Of course, my main complaint here is that we can’t just get a match out of these guys. Of course there is going to be all sorts of interference. Homicide looks like a chump if he can’t win on his own. He is too talented for that shit. I haven’t seen much of Hernandez, so I can’t say the same for him. I used to be a Konnan fan back in the WCW days, but man, learn a new catchphrase at least once an F’n DECADE!!!
As far as Dutt goes, he has been thrown back in the jobber role. It’s amazing that LAX’s whole gimmick relies on us believing that they are being de-pushed as a result of discrimination, and then a guy the caliber of Sonjay gets to do the job.
So great match, terrible ending, and no one comes out looking good. Except Slick Johnson. He runs in, and tells the ref that LAX cheated, and gets the ref to reverse the decision. Wow. That’s a new one on me. Of course LAX isn’t happy. Ron Killings shows up to stave off the latin-post-match-beatdown. So we start to set up a six-man tag… Who else has LAX messed with lately? Monte? Nah, he’s too busy elsewhere. Maybe we can get a Latino who is on the face side of things. Please not Shocker (smacking myself in the head). Please not Shocker (smacking myself in the head). Please not Shocker (smacking myself in the head). Please not Shocker (smacking myself in the head). Please not Shocker (smacking myself in the head).
In the Up Next bumper, Christy Hemme says that we are going to see TNA exclusive footage of Scott D’Amore confronting Jim Cornette about the decision to split up Team Canada. Well shit. It seems that the guys at TNA beat out CNN again. I know ESPN and Mtv had news crews on the scene, but TNA is just all over this shit. They have the EXCLUSIVE!!!
It seems that Eric Young is still worried about being fired. Good. A little fear drives your work ethic, huh? Now, don’t think less of me. I mark for EY. He is the best character of Team Canada. Petey might be a better wrestler, but EY is the shit.
We get more training footage of Shane Douglas and The Naturals. I’m digging this, but it needs to be moved forward now. Enough is enough. These guys need to start beating ass. They are young, talented, and have a great look. If TNA is going to play the Franchise as a motivator, great. Just don’t have him interfering in Naturals matches. Let them win on their own, so that he can say, “I told you that you could.” To do otherwise DESTROYS this whole angle, and shits on the memory of Chris Candido.
Next up we are treated to a shoot promo by Rhino. He tells us the whys and hows behind his turning down the offer to join the new ECW. Good for him. I think it’s pathetic that Vince fired him for being to extreme, and now he wants him back. The guy broke a lower pot in public. Whoopty Fuckin Doo, right? Wrong. Vince had to make an example out of him. Rhino drops a lot of F-Bombs and G-Damns in this promo. Gee, you think he might be a little bitter? Nah, he doesn’t do this for the money. He does it to make a difference. What difference are you gonna make, Rhino? For me, the difference is that you have your pride. You didn’t crawl back. You told them to take their new, soulless ECW and stick it up their collective asses. Good for you.
Next up is another Monte Squash. This week he beats up Kenny King (who doesn’t get an intro). Kenny started out on WWE’s Tough Enough, and according to them, he wasn’t. I like the kid, and have no problem with him jobbing to Monte. My problem lies with the lack of build up that Monte’s Sqashees have gotten. If you are going to do this, let Kenny win a couple of matches. Let him get some momentum. Then his loss means something. This was just another squash. Monte doesn’t look good beating up a guy that loses all the time. The same goes for his victories over Chasyn and Norman the last couple of weeks. You know, I wanted to see a streak versus streak match till Monte hinted at such a thing this week. He wants to accuse Joe of padding his streak. Monte, there’s a pot and a kettle on the phone for you. Now I want to see something different. I want to see Norman Smiley, Kenny King, and Chasyn Rance grab some leftover bats from Sting’s room and beat the crap out of Monte. See how he likes getting squashed. These guys need something. Just like Rhino showed that he had his pride, I think these “enhancement talent” need to get theirs. Every dog has his day, Monte. You may be a lion on the Serengeti, but a pack of hungry dogs can take down a lion.
Wow. I didn’t realize how strongly I felt about that. By the way, Monte Brown Killed Kenny!!! YOU BASTARD!!
We once again go to the back to let Borash interview Jarrett and Steiner. I didn’t listen, sorry. I am so over Double J.
Next up, Eye Spy Paparazzi Broadcasting shows us Humiliation 101. The Body Bag. These bits were much funnier when it was pure Shelley. Nash just isn’t hitting the notes right. I like the addition of Devine, though. What I don’t get is the fact that Nash is using X-Division guys to wage a war against the X-Div. It just doesn’t make sense. Look at the silly monkey.
We go live, and Nash, Shelley, and Devine have a filled body bag. Nash claims that it is Bin Laden in the bag (new column idea. In the Bag. I can rant for several pages, and then tell you who Nash has tied up bondage style), but we all know better. Yup, it’s Sabin. Joy. Jay Lethal comes out to make the save, and Nash bails. We find out that what Sabin and Lethal got from Cornette was a match against Shelley and Nash at Victory Road. Whee. Three of those guys can really go.
Once again in the back, Borash has Samoa Joe. I loved this promo. Joe was started out calm and eloquent, and moved into areas so dark that it made me shiver. Joe said words to Scott Steiner that I will quote here.
“I’m going to make your children cry. They’re going to cry because daddy can’t hold them anymore.”
That may be the greatest thing I’ve ever heard in professional wrestling.
Main Event time is here. JJ and Steiner versus Sting and Quad C. This would be a great match, except for two things. JJ and Steiner. Sting may have put on a little weight, but he’s still f*cking Sting. This guy IS pro wrestling. He was born to do this. Quad C has this in his soul. All Jarrett has is his ego and a one trick gimmick (his guitar), and I literally WEEP when I think about what Scott Steiner used to be, compared to who he has become.
A little heel style action from Quad C wins he and Sting the match. Nice. Post match beat down is interrupted by Joe. Seems to be a lot of that going around lately. Next week we get Tea3d and Jay Lethal versus Team Canada to see if the Canucks can stay together. Awesome.
For that promo, and for the fact that he takes shit off nobody, Samoa Joe is In The Zone.
Wow, writing is cathartic. I feel much better now.
If you read this, drop me a line, even if it’s just to say FU.