Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc., 07.11.06

In Memoriam: June Allyson, one of the last of the Old Hollywood Stars. And a damn good performer to boot.

In Memoriam II: the Western Open as it should be. It should NOT be named after a certain German car company. It should NOT be played in September, but in July. And it should NOT be taken away from Chicago every other year. The PGA of America are ratf*cks, treating one of only two tournaments whose history extends into three different centuries that way. Congrats to Trev, though, for finally breaking through like we knew he could, and doing it with Tigger breathing down his ass. Grace under pressure, bud.

And the entire world is wailing Why Zizou Why? ever since Sunday night. Well, folks, let me tell you why we were the happy recipients of the Most Famous Head-Butt In History (and Flair must be pissed about that):

Because it was f*cking cool, that’s why.

It’s as f*cking cool as 7/11 (for us Americans) finally landing on a Tuesday for me so I can make Pakistani jokes if I wish to. It may end up being the single coolest thing that anyone does in 2006, unless someone puts a high-powered rifle bullet through Dubbaya’s skull. “But it may have cost France the World Cup,” people are whining. Oh, for f*ck’s sake. Look at this weekend. A Frenchwoman won Wimbledon. A guy who lives in France with his French wife and French kids is the star of the movie that had the biggest opening weekend in history. They couldn’t win the World Cup too. If that had happened, who knows what the French may think? They may actually start to believe that, like, they can win a war or something. They’re already the most egotistical nationality on the face of the Earth, and you want to add another World Cup to their list of accomplishments? A World Cup that was won in Germany, no less? Get real. It’s good that they lost the game (and, yes, I did watch it).

Yeah, I knew exactly what Zizou was thinking. This was his last international game. You tend to let loose a little. That’s what Elway did during his last Super Bowl. You do things that you really wouldn’t consider doing because, hey, you don’t have to pay the ramifications for it in the future. Also, let’s face it, the Italians are annoying. Even to the French, who invented the concept of “annoying”. The opposing player probably deserved it, and a lot more. There’s also the curiosity factor to contend with. When it comes to overselling, the Azzurri make Curt Hennig look like the Undertaker. Wouldn’t you be curious what the guy would do if you nutted him? He might start forcing himself to gush from every orifice and go into grand mal right on the pitch.

There was also one other thing that entered his mind: he did it for the team. This World Cup was turning into a repeat of ’98: Zidane and the rest of Les Bleus. He obviously couldn’t take himself off during his last international game (even though the French still had a subsitution, I believe). So, what can he do to get the focus on the rest of his teammates? Get himself tossed. And if they’d have pulled out the match? Every other player on France would have said, “Nous l’avons fait pour Zidane”, thus giving him the reverse rub. Egos satisfied all around, and considering that we’re talking about Frenchmen, that’s the most important factor of all.

So, yeah, what Zizou did is cool by me. If I were in his shoes, I’d have done the same thing and let the spin doctors and the sports shoe companies worry about it afterward…and speaking of sports shoe companies, what are the odds that we’ll see a Fila commercial during South Africa 2010 that has Zizou head-butting someone? Hell, if they can pull Pele out of mothballs to garble some German…

Ah, nothing really doing on any other front (except that after my practice run on Monday, I want this job that I’m currently in the running for), so on to the Pimps…

THE PIMP SECTION

Lucard explores the irony behind the phrase, “Ding, dong, the witch is dead.”

Vinnie‘s on Monday now, so I can pimp him for a change.

Hevia spits venom in regard to ECW.

Ol’ Big Balls and Daniels had one day’s head start on me in regard to Zidane. And Daniels and Hulse are both cocksuckers.

Another cocksucker is Goober. Anyone with intelligence knows the AL MVP is named “Jim Thome”.

Paul is not a cocksucker, but he talks about some of the more annoying ones.

Basilo continues to cover shows that I don’t watch.

SO, ANYTHING OUT THERE?

Nothing, really. There’s lots of small stories out there, but they’re really only worthy of cursory mention. Yes, Bisch is now a free agent, and, yes, he should extort TNA for some money, because f*ck knows that lack of Bisch is the only thing separating Impact from being a one-hour Nitro at this point. Trish’s contract is up next month, which means they’ve got one more major PPV to get out of her, and they’d better not waste it on a mixed tag. The fallout from Weedgate continues, as Van Dam and Sabu had big pushes that were neutered as a result. It’s so desperately boring out there that Burnside can’t get together a proper Anti-Pulse and concentrates on comparing and contrasting WWE’s revenue in various areas. When you have to start talking money in order to have something to talk about, you’re in desperate times.

And speaking of desperate, I’ve having problems coming up with another good segue…damn, this f*cker’s going to end up under ten thousand bytes of raw text. I rarely go that low, but I’m really uninspired right now. The Dog Days aren’t supposed to be until next month. However, Raw is sniffing people’s crotches and humping their legs on a regular basis now, so let’s see what kind of desperate bullshit they’ve flung at us this week…

THE SHORT FORM

Match Results:

John Cena over Shelton Benjamin (Submission, STFU): Actually, I concentrated more on reading Scooter’s rant on the Road Warriors DVD, which was far more potentially entertaining than anything in this match. Very surprising that Edge waited until an actual pinfall before intervening to set up the SNME match. This match could have used a run-in.

Melina Perez over Trish Stratus (Pinfall, rollup): Well, Melina kept up with Trish quite well, and Trish wasn’t doing too much carrying. Plus, the win was exactly the right decision to keep this going. Unfortunately, it’ll still be leading to that mixed tag match involving Nitro and Carly, who should be having an independent feud of their own for the IC strap rather than being hooked into this. It also leaves very little for LaJames to do with the Women’s strap (until Beth Phoenix is healthy enough to compete). Oh, well, guess we have to live with it.

Andrew Rosin, though, can’t live with the announcing:

Nice work by Lawler and Ross on the Melina-Trish match. Acting like Melina hasn’t wrestled before when she went for the Women’s strap vs. Trish at Survivor Series just last year? That was super announcing.

Ross and Lawler long ago reached Put Out To Pasture phase. And yet people defend them. Those people should be ashamed. Right, Bambi?

Rory and Robby over Matt Striker and Rob Conway (Pinfall, Rory pins Conway, Scot Drop): Well, still nothing impressive about the Highlanders. I don’t think a feud with Striker is the right way to approach this. Turning Striker face and making him their manager/mentor/educator, now that has possibilities. The old Pygmalion routine always goes over with audiences, and so would Striker in this case. Which certainly isn’t the case right now.

Viscera versus Charlie Haas (ND, Lesbian Garcia gets beaten up for her troubles): And so, as KC Evers (no relation) noted to me, we have a new tag team, apparently formed on the basis that the two teammates got dumped by the same woman. That’s almost certainly not a first for wrestling, but it is fresh enough to be interesting. But wither Val? Back to singles for him? If so, is it at enhancement talent levels (Given him jobbing to Orton, the answers to the last two are “yes” and “yes”)? And will Charlie ever get teamed with a white heterosexual? Stay tuned for more developments.

It’s at this point (well, after the Flair segment) that I fell asleep. Considering what happened, I’m happy I did so, because, reading the recaps, I don’t think there are words for me to describe this. So I’ll cut it off at this and end this one, thank you.

Angle Developments:

Irresistible Force: A promo segment involving Flair, Foley, and Heyman? That’s something so powerful that it even pulled one of the biggest known dead weights in wrestling, Paul Wight In Heel Mode, in its wake. Wight was somewhat effective in presenting his challenge to Flair for ECW’s show this week. However, he still doesn’t have his heel mode down despite a decade of trying. He wanted to have a little fun with Naitch in there, but knew he had to play the badass and was visibly restraining his playful nature. Give him points for trying, at least. Flair on an ECW show is enough of a freak show to warrant that.

I’ll close this up by saying this: right now, the voting is swinging tremendously toward putting ECW on Sci-Lie into the Short Form each weekend, but two of the dissenting votes are coming from The Proud Graduate Of Dartmouth His Own Self and Aussie Bureau Chief Brett Wortham. Those particular voices do ring louder than most. Maybe I’ll try it this week and see how it goes. Until then, see ya.

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