A BIG COMMERCIAL
THE RABBLE NEVER LEFT
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
That’s right – we remain – we stand tall – we stand proud – we will not go gentle into this good night on This Our Independence Day….
For some reason I was in the mood to quote Bill Pullman.
Anyway – that’s right – the Monday Night Rabble and I’m in the mood for candy:
Hernandez – He’s our gummybear!
Jenna – She’s a Warhead!
Bill – A Snowcap like no other…
Eric – A Bon Bon’s Bon Bon
Nina – How delicious can one Bottle Cap be?
Jeffrey – Both Good and Plenty
Dani – My favorite Sour Patch Kid..
And me, the Candy Man himself, coocookatchoo man.
Hey – DX starting off the show!
“It is” – Bill
They have a public service announcement for us! Are You Ready?
We get a flashback to the past few weeks of DX shenanigans, Vince loving dicks. The fireworks. The loss to Eugene. The portapotty. Finally, the Spirit Squash from SNME.
“It’s like I didn’t have to watch wrestling for the last three weeks” – Hernandez
And now they are coming down to the ring – and they put the stripper footage back!
So entrada Degeneration X in San Antonio, so expect some big ol’ Shawn spots.
SIGN OF THE NIGHT #1: JESUS LOVES DX
“Hold on a second… we were supposed to wear the new shirts tonight?” – Hunter who is wearing the old DX shirts. Shawn wants us to know that you can buy the shirts on WWESHOP and in souvenir shops all over the building. As a note, the fact that they are making fun of the only reason they are out there… is again, genius….
So Shawn reads ‘WWESHOP.COM’ off his wrist-tape and Hunter calls him Miz… nice.
So Hunter and Shawn know that in the back, Vince is upset, angry, on edge…
“Where’s Lita” – Eric
Why? Because of DX of course. Hunter asks the audience if DX has really done wrong by Vince McMahon – and should they stop?
“YES!!!….. sorry.” – Hernandez
Vince and Shane want DX right here – right now.
“So listen here Shane… I mean.. Shawn… *pause* It’s live tv, give me a break” – Hunter
Trips goes for the cheap Shawn in San Antonio pop.
“Mick is in the background going, now what am I going to do tonight?” – Bill
Hunter thinks maybe if the audience wants it they SHOULD face Vince and Shane, tonight in this very ring. Shawn… somehow… makes it official.
“Can we do that?” – Hunter
“Of course we can do that.. who is going to stop us?????? *Beat Beat*” – Shawn
“NO CHANCE IN HELL” – Theme Music
Great bit so far and we’re only eight minutes in!
“Last time I checked, you two were nothing more than degenerative juvenile delinquents!” – Vince
“Who were making me a buttload of money” – Eric
“…degenerative?” – Bill
It’s apparently not about what DX wants it’s about what Vince wants. So he’s got two words…. Shane O’Mac
“Is that two words?” – Eric
So tonight Shane vs. Shawn… and Shane doesn’t seem thrilled by this.
“Shane Orifice McMahon?” – Hernandez
Shane tells the crowd to shut up JUST like Vince then explains that he has more talent than either Hunter or Shawn put together. He’s going to let Hunter sit in Shawn’s corner, so he wants to have–
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” – Hernandez
–Vince in his corner of course, which Vince is not thrilled with. So he’s going to beat Shawn in his own home town — ONE — TWO — THREE —
“..Kid.” – Me
“Don’t you mean the Lightning Kid?” – Jeffrey
So we get a flash to some Umaga beatdowns, and he will be facing Cena tonight for some reason. Hey, at least it’s something different.
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:13
Carlito is coming on down now and Todd says he’s going for the ..Cruiserweight Title?
Hopefully that’s a bit to prove that Todd sucks, but actually it’s a #1 Contender’s match for the IC title. Hey, guess who his opponent is!
CARLITO vs. SHELTON
Bell rings and a lock up to start. Headlock from Shelton with a takeover and pin for two. So the match goes on and we pause as good friend Mike aka Gavin Quest show’s up with his lovely lady Laura.
When we turn back – Shelton has Carlito in a headlock… I don’t think we missed much. Apparently I did miss a great moonsault. So Carlito fights out of it – hits the ropes – back elbow!
Then Shelty grabs up with Carlito for a front springboard – Shelton drops down for two and Carlito flips it over for three… it was actually a strong match, but we were interrupted by friends.
Now a flashback to SNME two nights ago. Cena won via DQ so Edge keeps the title… shock. Then beats Edge down hard with an F5 to the table. A good spot for a DQ match… and now Cena faces Umaga.
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:25
So Trish stops and gets hawt for Carlito.
Tonight’s this week in wrestling history:
1984 – July 23rd – The Brawl To End It All
Rock & Wrestling went against The Fabulous Moolah w/ Lou Albano live on MTV ending a 3 decade run.
Now in the ring – Candice in a ref bra and a sheer top thingy and velvety pants.
TRISH & TORRIE vs. MICKIE & VICTORIA
And we are watching this… why?
Now comes down Trish with Torrie – Trish wearing a black outfit with silver armbands which I’m hot for – and Torrie in a green number. Coming to face Victoria and Mickie James… and she’s kicking knee socks. Either way, Trish wins the Lecherous Award until we see Maria.
Bell rings for this tag match and Mickie is set in the ring with Torrie – elbows to her back and a pin attempt for two. Tag into Victoria and a textbook slam and a moonsault gets caught by Torrie’s knees – a run over and tag to Trish.
Now Trish chops down Victoria – ducks a clothesline from Victoria – goes for the Thesz, but gets charged right into the corner. In runs Mickie who charges Trish – but Trish ducks it and Thesz Presses Victoria. Mickie runs in to pick her and fails in slamming Trish down.
Trish runs Victoria into the corner and as Mickie tries to dropkick into her but Candice stops her! Victoria goes after Candice, only to have Trish hit the Stratusfaction on Trish to end the match.
Hey Maria!!! She wins. In the back, Umburto with Estrada.
“We got some splainin to dooooo” – Bill
“Would you say facing John Cena is your biggest match in your short career?” – Maria to Umaga
Estrada answers for him, refers to Cena as ‘Yon Cena’ and when Rosey finally talks it’s more or less grunting.
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:38
Mick Foley is hanging out in WWE Studios! Mick isn’t here to talk about Katie Couric and the beautiful Melina.
“Why does he mention her again?” – Eric
“They are good friends” – Hernandez
“It’s kinda like Al Snowing something..” – Me
So Mick informs us that he wasn’t trying to WIN the match last month against Ric Flair. The barbed wire bat wasn’t an ACCIDENT. (Which is a genius line) Mick wants NO rematch NEVER. NEVER EVER EVER. NO.
“Why is Lawler smiling at the Mick promo?” – Jeffrey
“Lawler smiles at everything..” – Me
“I thought Lawler couldn’t smile?” – Jenna
“No.. that’s JR” – Me & Eric
So Haas & Viscera beatdown Lillian last week.
Now it’s time for Viscera and Haas to talk to Maria. Hi there Maria!
Haas says they can explain their actions.
Viscera says they won’t.
So we get some kind of Diva thing from Smackdown – and Layla is going to win. That’s all there is to say about it.
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:46
And now – we mark for the Highlanders kids!!!
HIGHLANDERS vs. JOBBERS!
So the Jobbers run in and try and attack the Highlanders – but of course the Highlanders get counter corner with them and toss them into each other.
Finally Rory gets in the ring with Jobber – slams him head down into the corner – slams him into Robbie’s head. He tags in Robbie and the battering ram into the Jobber for two.
“Where are the sheep jokes?” – Jeffrey
“Stevie Richards?” – Hernandez
Jobber tags in Jobber and Robbie gets hit with a sunset flip – drops down and holds the kilt over his head for two. Tag to Rory and hits a drop toehold and an elbow from Robbie.
They do the Scot Drop for three!
So now Rory grabs the mic and officially challenge the Spirit Squad for the belts!
“Highlanders in DX?” – Jeffrey
“That.. would.. make.. me… orgasm…” – Me
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:54
In the back now – Highlander meets DX! Hunter wants the Highlanders to go and hang out in Vince’s office. Vince is apparently also deaf in his left ear. He also LOVES hugs and pats on his butt!
“They should ask Vince for Stephanie’s hands in marriage.” – Bill
Now Matt Stryker is in the ring. We don’t care. He has a sign in the ring that says EDGE > CENA and wants to know what it means…
“Edge PacMan Cena?” – Eric
“That’s a Pitfall Crocodile!” – Bill
He introduces John Cena for some kind of interview segment.
“Ten O Clock Interview spot!? …laaaaaaame.” – Me
“This should have been your smokebreak.” – Hernandez
Stryker wants to know if Cena knows what that equation means.
“It means that Youuuuu can be better with Bodog Dot Net!” – Bill
Cena grabs the mic out of Stryker’s hands and calls him a stupid bastard. That’s apparently not what it means. It means that Cena threw Edge through a table on SNME.
“And also he spoke in the third person.” – Me
Cena removes his shirt and throws it out.
“Live sex celebration?” – Bill
Hey – and now Umaga comes out, so apparently there IS a match… with the chalkboard still in the ring.
“A chalkboard, leave it in there… I’ve never seen that!” – Eric
John goes right after Umaga – tosses him into the corner – belly to belly from the corner – faceslam down and now just beats him down. He goes back in to hit Umaga, but Umaga grabs Cena and THROWS him through the chalkboard.
Then the bell rings… was that to start the match or end it?
OH, STARTED IT!
JOHN CENA vs. UMAGA
A chop from Umaga. Grabs Cena and picks him up, but John fights back – and a punch to his chin drops John down. Slam and a kneedrop from Umaga. Tosses Cena to the ropes, and John runs up for a DDT – drop toe hold – and goes for the STFU but Umaga hits the ropes.
Umaga gets up and a clothesline drops Cena. Umaga hangs Cena into the corner. Flying headbutt and down come Edge & Lita. Umaga goes to run and hit the butt bump – but Cena bails and goes right after Edge. Umaga runs in and tosses Cena into the stairs.
“Your facepaint’s going Umaga..” – Bill
“TATTOOS!” – Me
Umbro throws Cena back into the ring – and heads up to the top turnbuckle. He flies and misses – Cena gets up – shouldertackles – hits the blue thunder – the five knuckleshuffle – so the ref is distracted by Armando and Edge runs in, but gets caught up in the F5…. Umaga stands on his feet and kicks Cena down, hits the ThumbBop and the pin….. Umaga wins!??!?!?
“Am I the only one that thinks that since Lita’s a slut.. it’s kinda hot?” – Mike
“I miss the Essa Rios days..” – Me
“That’s when she’d do a rana off the top turnbuckle!” – Jenna
“Fuck that – that’s when she wore shiny outfits.” – Me
In the back the Highlanders are eating Vince’s food. Enter: Vince.
Rory shakes his hand – which he yells right in his ear to introduce them. They get yelled at by Vince and scratch at their beards and get told to leave. They slap Vince on the ass and leave.
“I love the Highlanders” – Me
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:12
Now it’s time for Randy Orton!
“HEY!” – Bill
“Good ol Shit-In-A-Bag Orton” – Jenna
And now here comes… Eugene? Eugene’s coat still has the green slime on it… how fantastic is that.. it’s… still on his kneepads.
“And in his hair” – Mike
RANDY ORTON vs. EUGENE
Drop toe from Randy starts the match. Randy ducks down as Eugene hits the ropes – and kicks him in the chest and then mocks Orton.
Randy goes nuts on him and a sleeperhold to the backbreaker. Orton hits the RKO and that’s that.
So Randy grabs the mic and discusses how he wouldn’t want to take advantage of Hogan’s daughter Brooke. He then gets all starry eyed and discusses her budding music career.
He admits to liking her new song.
“I also like the Spice Girls” – Me
“…and Three Count” – Eric
They flash to SNME. They show the nice RKO off the roof of the car. They show Brooke wondering what happened idiotically…
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:24
Mick is back and he gives Melina a thumbs up – and discusses Ric’s match with Big Show and how he got so hardcore, but all in vain.
Also – No Rematch!
Now it’s time for Ric Flair – who does the psyche out handshake on a fan – how mean! He’s a face.
Ric’s got a mic, like everyone else in this show.
“In case you didn’t know it and you possibly missed it, the Nature Boy got his ass kicked last Tuesday night” – Flair
“Like always?” – Eric
So we watch as Flair and Show get beaten and bloody in black and white.
So now Flair calls out Mick, repeatedly referring to him as ‘FatBoy’ – and now it’s time forrrrrrrrr…… Johnny Nitro?
Johnny – duh – has a mic. “Now you may not know this are good close friends of Mick Foley. I don’t think you get it. Have you not heard what the man has been saying. You are out of his life. You mean nothing. You aren’t getting your rematch.” – Nitro
So then Nitro hits a cheapshot and drops Flair. Flair gets up – and drops Johnny to try and set up the figure four – but Johnny kicks him out and he ends up bumping Melina off the turnbuckle.
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:36
So the whores come out. Who is leaving? Not Scary Spice, she got immunity on Smackdown. Amy’s out.. whose Amy? Aside from a real set of breasts… nothing in particular.
“She’ll have a job in three months.” – Eric
So they all cry around her – they eat ice cream – watch some Thelma & Louise and nobody cares.
Now they have a dance off.
“DANCE LIKE YOU ARE ON X” – Hernandez
“DANCE LIKE YOUR DADDY FORCED YOU TO!” – Me
“Cocoa… this is how they do it in Hollywood” – Me
In the back – Vince and Shane discuss the match. Vince has a sign on his back that says ‘I Heart Cocks’ Shane laughs at him and turns around to show a sign on his back that says ‘ME TOO’ Yep, still funny.
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:46
Are You Ready… THUMP THUMP
“I am!” – Me
“I want X-Pac to come back..” – Mike
DX is here and they have a mic!
And after the DX promo… HERE COMESSS THE MONEY!
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:55
So we’re back and Shane’s got Shawn in a sleeper – and he eats a belly to back instead. Apparently we missed very little.
Shawn hits Shane – tosses him to the ropes and throws a back body drop – then a clothesline sends Shane over the top rope and skins the cat back into the ring. Hits the top rope plancha, but Shane ducks and Shawn holds onto the apron. So he hits the second rope moonsault!? Wow.
“Spirit Squad has the night off?” – Mike
Shawn throws in Shane and hits the top rope – leaps and gets clocked right in the gut. Shane hits the thrown back elbow then nips up just like Shawn.. funny bit.
Clothesline from Shane. A second one. Bodyslam from Shane. Shane heads up to the top turnbuckle. He hits the flying elbow and gets into the corner and goes for tuning up the choir! Shane gets caught – spun around and dropped by Shawn.
Shawn hits his own back elbow and slams him down again. Now Shawn runs to the top turnbuckle, and hits HIS big elbow. Now it’s HIS turn!
J E S U –Caught by Vince– and Hunter follows Vince up the ramp as the Spirit Squad charges in and drops Shawn…
“Highlanders!! Come on Highlanders!!” – Jeffrey
The Spirit Squad grabs Shawn and beat him down – throw him up… and Shawn LANDS ON HIS FEET! That was awesome. He drops a bunch of Spirit Squad members and gets ANOTHER beat down…
“Stick a spear in his ribs… he’s done.” – Bill
On the outside Shane is beating down Trips with a chair. They bring the chairs back in and set them up face to face – but in runs Trips with the sledgehammer!
“Equal to five chairs.. the hammer!” – Bill
Hunter clears the ring and Shane & Vince bail. Once again, DX stands in the ring of dead bodies.
WINNER: SHAWN via DQ
And that.. is.. that.
“Fun show.” – Hernandez
“I still say I’m Robbie” – Jenna
“Began with DX.. Ended with DX.. Good Times” – Bill
“Highlanders and DX.. please.” – Jeffrey
“Sick and tired of seeing DX go over” – Mike
“Little too much diva search.. I want more Highlanders” – Nina
“Little better than last week” – Eric
“Much better than Saturday Night’s Main Event” – Mike
So yeah – as you see – we mark for Highlanders – and where I would have loved to see them make the DX save at the end for the big rub – it really wasn’t that bad of a show.
— THE EXTRA FEATURES —
So first off – let me apologize to Penny who if you noticed, was absent last week, and that was because I hadn’t informed her that I wasn’t doing one the week before. So I apologize personally to Penny for being an insensitive bastard. As a note – the Rabble will NOT be going on July 31st, as we will be LIVE AT RAW! Look for the Monday Night Rabble sign… somewhere deep in the 2nd tier….
Anyway now it’s time for:
P E N N Y C A N D Y W I T H T H E R A B B L E
So on the heels of being impressed by Flair on ECW last week, *yes, the world ends at midnight*, I thought I’d just fire off a few thoughts on random wrestling subjects since Baseball is pre-empting Raw on TSN. I’m actually GLAD Raw is moving over to The Score in a few weeks. They play Smackdown every Thursday, Twice, and it NEVER gets pre-empted, not even for Hockey!
So with no RAW on my TV, please enjoy the following collection of PMS fuelled mini-rants.
– If they want to hear Cena cheered they need to turn him heel. The Smarks will cheer him JUST to annoy all the hurt marks who boo him for going bad. Smarks are predictable like that.
– ECWWE (and no Eric, I didn’t get that from you. I’ve been saying it since the first One Night Stand) is beginning to look like it may have a shot at succeeding, if Vince can find an audience that doesn’t care what the call letters are. As long as old-school ECW fans still exist, the product will be pissed on. Although I take back what I said about him Reviving ECW only to milk it for all it’s worth then destroy it. Now I think his goal is to make ECW a success without Paul’s input and done HIS way so he can say the Vince MacMahon ECW is better and more successful than anything that Paul Heyman ever did.
I think Vince deep down knows that if Paul Heyman had been a smarter BUSINESS man, ECW would have eventually overtaken WWE. Paul’s booking, regardless of what ECW haters may claim, was almost always spot on and puts pretty much 90% of Vince’s ideas since, well, EVER to shame. Vince doesn’t need to destroy ECW. He needs to destroy Paul.
– The DX stuff HAS been funny the past few weeks, but where is it going? They’re obviously not adding Cena. There have been NO seeds planted for any of the Vincler Youth to pull a face turn to join DX. And DX has pretty much done nothing to create any fued possibilities outside the SS except Osama, er, sorry, Armando, and EVERYONE could see him fighting to keep astraight face during the voiceover belches. Hell Jamie had to turn around so the camera wouldn’t see him fighting to not laugh. But seriously, where is there for the DX Reunion to go?
(Quick interruption. Raw just started nowat 7PM and jesus h F**K are they ever schilling those shirts like Main Street whores.)
– I know it’s a RAW column but I have Off-RAW rants.
– If Jarrett actually does a proper build-up and job to Joe, I will give Jame a boob pic to post here. I promise. Because I just DO NOT believe Jarrett will cleanly put Joe over or make him look strong. This much was proved by Jeffie letting his good buddy Steinerwhiner no-sell Joe. Which makes them BOTH lucky Joe IS a good worker who does as he’s told, because GOD KNOWS if Joe got pissed off enough to NOT follow orders, (Say it with me now) Joe’s gonna kill them both.
– Wow, Finlay’s little bastard got Finlay a belt? My god who’s booking Smackdown to let someone who’s actually worth shit in the ring get the US Belt, despite being saddled with a midget crack addict? Hey maybe that’s it. Maybe Smackdown’s booking team ARE all on crack, which is probably what it takes for Primetime Soap writers to figure out how the hell to WRITE this.
(Well we know Grisham won’t get a better announcing opportunity anytime soon. Since, you know, he obviously can’t tell the brands apart if he thinks there’d be a Cruserweight match on RAW. Then again they’re rarely on Smackdown either.)
– As much as I absolutely JBL, he’s doing probably the best heel commentary on WWE tv in over a decade. GOD I hate having to praise that fat drunken hazing bastard.
– And finally, for the love of God will somebody PLEASE explain Ken Kenneddy’s massive over-ness to me? What is his appeal? I really don’t get it. And yet Matt Hardy has to job to him like a bitch because Johnny Ace STILL needs to emasculate Hardy to fulfill his petty need to bully his grudges rather than let good talent get over.
(Frankie is groaning at how clearly obvious it is that Mickie, Trish and Victoria are having to carry Torrid Wilson in the tag match. But it WAS funny when Candace as Ref threw Mickey out. And Who did Cena piss off in the back to get stuck with the Black Hole of Heat-Sucking Uga-Booga?)
Well that’s my bit. Til next week I’m Penny. And I get my bit in on time. *drags James off to tie him to her floor so her 8 week old kittens can torment his ass*
And now – other places on Inside Pulse to go visit!
Manolis hits us with some comic indy news!
Bambi Weavil tries the music scene out and reviews The 303s
Steve Murray reviews Louis CK’s stand-up comedy.
John Cavanagh gives us all the movie news we didn’t know we need!